Post by witsend on Jul 14, 2019 14:15:04 GMT
Hi everyone,
I'm really sorry if this post offends anyone, I'm feeling so angry and resentful and hopeless tbh. In the past few years we've come to realise our son struggles with many things, memory, organisation, focusing and the school has put him forward to see the psychologist to address these issues and recently found low-IQ. Since me and my husband have noticed these things my husband kept saying how our son reminded him of himself. We're both pretty sure he has adult ADD, my son may have, but we also think our son has a range of other issues too that my husband doesn't display (tics, dyspraxic like issues).
I'm just feeling so bad about how things are between me and my husband and things seems are getting worse over the years as we've gone from a couple with no children to a couple with 1 child then 2, both working, and trying to save for a mortgage, which I think will never happen.
Over the years he's always been forgetful, distracted and not completing things, he can be hyper focused and other things. Before we thought of ADD I used to get so upset and annoyed, things that'd happen include: losing things, work computers, wallets, bank cards (my own), booking things on wrong days, forgetting things (passports) so we nearly miss flights, losing all the jobs he's had since I've known him (every job in 10 years), forgetting to pay fines, credit cards, arrears adding hundreds of pounds to our already large overdraft and credit cards. Then there's the stuff with the children and home, I basically do it all, or it won't be done/forgotten, kids clothes, meal planning, homework, child care issues/sorting, pet care, cleaning, organising the house all while working too. In the early days he would always say 'I'm tired', 'I'm too busy', 'I'm always trying to make everyone else happy I forget things it's only natural'. Because of this it took me a long time to broach the subject that maybe he wasn't taking responsibility for how he can manage things - this view has continued for so long.
Since then, I've looked through forums, we've spoken about ADD so many times and he says he knows there's an issue but I still can't help thinking, he thinks it's not that bad (actually I can quote him as saying these exact words - he thinks all men are generally like this). Over christmas I said I couldn't do it anymore, I would prefer to live alone with the children and manage my life and their's without a third child (sorry, I know this is offensive but he just didn't get it), then it seemed a light bulb went on, he said he understood and would get help. Now months later he seems to have forgotten this - is this ADD that he forgot even though we've spoken about it loads, he went back to thinking things were okay then ended up falling into arrears, missing payments and other things. He went through a redundancy last year and was out of work for 6 months, because he didn't sort out benefits in time and child benefit (which we can get from his home country as he's not from GB) we lived on one wage and got further into debt (not to mention he forgot to tax and insure the car at this time - despite being reminded by me)
If someone could wave a magic wand and have me living in one home with the children and him another I would want this, I'm tired of doing so much, feeling like I can never be relaxed, laid back or free from the stress of what may happen/he might forget. I don't ever see this changing, is there anything that will actually help, like medication? I do try and separate the symptoms from the man, he's a kind, caring person and loves me deeply, but my feelings are changing and I really don't think he'd love me in the long run if this is all I really have to say - is there a way back for us?? I've tried to suggest reminders, I've put important things to do on the fridge door, I've left out kids clothing in clear sight for the next day, nothing seems to work. All this I've said to him...
Thanks so much for reading x
I'm really sorry if this post offends anyone, I'm feeling so angry and resentful and hopeless tbh. In the past few years we've come to realise our son struggles with many things, memory, organisation, focusing and the school has put him forward to see the psychologist to address these issues and recently found low-IQ. Since me and my husband have noticed these things my husband kept saying how our son reminded him of himself. We're both pretty sure he has adult ADD, my son may have, but we also think our son has a range of other issues too that my husband doesn't display (tics, dyspraxic like issues).
I'm just feeling so bad about how things are between me and my husband and things seems are getting worse over the years as we've gone from a couple with no children to a couple with 1 child then 2, both working, and trying to save for a mortgage, which I think will never happen.
Over the years he's always been forgetful, distracted and not completing things, he can be hyper focused and other things. Before we thought of ADD I used to get so upset and annoyed, things that'd happen include: losing things, work computers, wallets, bank cards (my own), booking things on wrong days, forgetting things (passports) so we nearly miss flights, losing all the jobs he's had since I've known him (every job in 10 years), forgetting to pay fines, credit cards, arrears adding hundreds of pounds to our already large overdraft and credit cards. Then there's the stuff with the children and home, I basically do it all, or it won't be done/forgotten, kids clothes, meal planning, homework, child care issues/sorting, pet care, cleaning, organising the house all while working too. In the early days he would always say 'I'm tired', 'I'm too busy', 'I'm always trying to make everyone else happy I forget things it's only natural'. Because of this it took me a long time to broach the subject that maybe he wasn't taking responsibility for how he can manage things - this view has continued for so long.
Since then, I've looked through forums, we've spoken about ADD so many times and he says he knows there's an issue but I still can't help thinking, he thinks it's not that bad (actually I can quote him as saying these exact words - he thinks all men are generally like this). Over christmas I said I couldn't do it anymore, I would prefer to live alone with the children and manage my life and their's without a third child (sorry, I know this is offensive but he just didn't get it), then it seemed a light bulb went on, he said he understood and would get help. Now months later he seems to have forgotten this - is this ADD that he forgot even though we've spoken about it loads, he went back to thinking things were okay then ended up falling into arrears, missing payments and other things. He went through a redundancy last year and was out of work for 6 months, because he didn't sort out benefits in time and child benefit (which we can get from his home country as he's not from GB) we lived on one wage and got further into debt (not to mention he forgot to tax and insure the car at this time - despite being reminded by me)
If someone could wave a magic wand and have me living in one home with the children and him another I would want this, I'm tired of doing so much, feeling like I can never be relaxed, laid back or free from the stress of what may happen/he might forget. I don't ever see this changing, is there anything that will actually help, like medication? I do try and separate the symptoms from the man, he's a kind, caring person and loves me deeply, but my feelings are changing and I really don't think he'd love me in the long run if this is all I really have to say - is there a way back for us?? I've tried to suggest reminders, I've put important things to do on the fridge door, I've left out kids clothing in clear sight for the next day, nothing seems to work. All this I've said to him...
Thanks so much for reading x