Post by loner on May 30, 2020 12:32:31 GMT
Hi all. I'm new to the forum. Got diagnosed recently as an adult. I'm feeling really down lately. I'm getting my prescription refilled next week, Ive been out of ritalin for ages.
I'm a creative, intelligent, decently charismatic, good looking guy. I am ambitious and driven. I am a workaholic and must always be the best at what I do. Despite this I keep failing and lately all of the cumulative failure, bad luck, frustration, shame of underachievement, fear of the future have been getting to me. Sometimes its my fault sometimes its not. The result however is the same: underachievement and misery.
I'm sick of seeing others succeed. I'm sick of seeing my peers do well. I'm becoming ever more spiteful and jealous by the day. I hate most people now. I hate it even when someone smiles.
I used to be very eager to help others. That's because I am very curious and love problem solving and am a very hands on person. But lately I have been deliberately abstaining from helping others. Even if I can I won't help them. Because If I struggle to get ahead, I'll be damned if I help someone else.
I live with my parents like a parasite. Ive been sporadically employed with garbage pay. They pay so little that it's barely even worth it.
I failed at my first attempt at university. Got accepted to an extremely prestigious world leading university. Thanks to the poor quality of my high school education, plus my ADHD, which at the time I didn't even know existed, plus psychological trauma and lack of discipline it was miserable. Took an academic leave after a year and never went back. Now I'm pursuing another university degree. Experience makes things a bit easier but I still struggle at times. I've had to retake more than one class.
Ive been trying to pursue internet entrepreneurial opportunities and so far have made null. Instagram is impossible to grow because the algorithm favors low quality entertainment and celebrity garbage. Its catch 22: You need followers to show up in people's feed. Online stores are a pain. Ive been trying crypto but have no money now. The daunting fear that drive, dedication, trying hard mean nothing unless you somehow do things right or get lucky is setting in. The problem is, I don't know what "the right way" is. I keep trying new things to no avail.
What makes me so depressed is not that I have failed in the past, but rather that there's been so far overwhelmingly more failure than success and that the same problems persist. ADHD related or otherwise. I feel hopeless, alone, vulnerable, weak, and pathetic. I fear for my future. I have noone to talk to.
I'm afraid I will end up like my dad: a depressed, miserable, chainsmoking alcoholic. Brilliant, creative, intelligent, quick witted, skilled, but plagued with bad luck for life, all over the place and ultimately pathetic and miserable. I hate him lately because when I look at him I fear that will be my future. Even hearing him breathe, sneeze, cough, chew, walk irritates me. We're so similar it makes me sick. And whenever I ask him for advice and try to get him to talk about his youth so that I can analyze it and not end up like him, or asking for emotional support he just tells me to stop beating myself up and thinking too much.
It's funny because when I was a kid my parents, especially my worthless mother would chastise me and complain to me about how I'm clumsy, awkward and why I "can't just be normal". But now when I raise the issue of my future and my current state, they chalk everything up to me being different and tell me that I shouldn't be too hard on myself. All the while calling me all sort of things behind my back behind the paper thin walls of our home. Maybe they think I don't hear them. Likely they simply don't care. Worthless hypocrites.
I was messing around with a girl during my first university attempt. I was a mess. I wouldn't shower and wore the same dirty clothes for weeks. I didn't shave. Nevertheless, she looked up to me, complimented me, made me feel like a man. I would walk with a proud stride by her side. I took her on a single date, went too far and that was it. On that date is when she told me she was on adderall and that's one of the first times I really heard about the condition. Ever since I have been thinking about her and during some of my sleepless nights. I dread the day she gets married to some other guy.
Before the quarantine I attended the wedding of a childhood acquaintance. He's not very bright, has no higher education. He's a construction worker. Despite that, he has an apartment, a car, is doing well for himself and was marrying a good looking girl. I was sitting there looking at him with his bride and I started suffocating.
This wasn't my first or last panic attack. I get one every time I become acutely aware of my failures, bad luck and fear for my future. It usually happens after a minor frustration or after witnessing someone else succeed. It also happens when an issue at hand is the subject of my lifelong struggles. The last time it happened was about a week ago. I started suffocating and afterwards embarrassingly weeped uncontrollably for a few minutes.
My worthless mother keeps pushing antidepressants on me. I'm tired of explaining that the root of the problem is ADHD related underachievement, shame and frustration.