Post by brightshinygoldfish on Sept 10, 2021 11:47:48 GMT
Hi all,
Just joined specifically looking for threads on this topic but as I couldn't find any:
-
Has anyone else experienced gaslighting in an NT/ADHD partner relationship?
-
I am curious to know as it seems like it would be a common experience.
Background for those interested:
I have ADHD. My partner does not.
I moved to the UK to live with him following a long long-distance relationship. After about a year here, I realised I likely had ADHD and sought diagnosis and treatment. So this was a surprise to us both. I was diagnosed at 31 after having trouble in my Masters programme. We are not married and we don't have children though we are certainly considering both.
What I have found, not just in this relationship but in some of my past ones as well, is that while I can be quick to anger (thanks ADHD) and am no way a "perfect" partner, my anger always has a reason.
After my diagnosis I have been trying very hard to work on my symptoms and he is generally understanding. Though I do think he could stand to research it further, I don't necessarily want to force it on him.
One of the biggest issues we experience is in our fights/disagreements.
We already experience the world so differently that disagreements/miscommunications/misunderstandings seem to be an almost daily occurrence. I'm trying to look into healthy ways to discuss these issues but in the meantime, I tend to prefer distancing myself in these moments because I can feel myself getting defensive and angry and I know that responding when I'm in that state is a bad idea so I will often remain silent or if I can manage it, I'll try to say that I am unable to talk at the moment but would be happy to return to the issue later.
Here's where the potential for gaslighting comes in:
I have learned that I cannot trust my memory due to ADHD. However, I worry that he takes advantage of my uncertainty and when we get back to discussing the argument, he will state events the way that he portrayed them. The issue is that that is not how I remember it going but as I usually cannot remember exactly how it did go, I cannot refute his statements either.
So in the end, he ends up being in the "right" and I am the one who is quick to anger for "no reason" and needs to change.
While I don't fully believe this, I don't know what to do to alter this dynamic.
I don't want to discuss things when I know I won't be able to stop myself from saying something that will truly hurt him or our relationship (I am capable of being incredibly destructive in these instances) so not saying anything and taking a break does seem like the best thing to do until I can overcome my emotions and talk more rationally.
But.
If I cannot remember what happened to start the fight or why I got upset in order to explain it to him, then his version of events becomes the only version of events. He does not need to change, I need to change.
I refuse to believe that in a relationship with two people, that it's always one person who is at fault.
So, has anyone else experienced something like this and does anyone have advice for handling it?
I've considered journaling but it takes so much time that I don't always have.
In the meantime, I want to seek a couple's therapist who specialises in ADHD but that's easier said than done.
Thanks!
Just joined specifically looking for threads on this topic but as I couldn't find any:
-
Has anyone else experienced gaslighting in an NT/ADHD partner relationship?
-
I am curious to know as it seems like it would be a common experience.
Background for those interested:
I have ADHD. My partner does not.
I moved to the UK to live with him following a long long-distance relationship. After about a year here, I realised I likely had ADHD and sought diagnosis and treatment. So this was a surprise to us both. I was diagnosed at 31 after having trouble in my Masters programme. We are not married and we don't have children though we are certainly considering both.
What I have found, not just in this relationship but in some of my past ones as well, is that while I can be quick to anger (thanks ADHD) and am no way a "perfect" partner, my anger always has a reason.
After my diagnosis I have been trying very hard to work on my symptoms and he is generally understanding. Though I do think he could stand to research it further, I don't necessarily want to force it on him.
One of the biggest issues we experience is in our fights/disagreements.
We already experience the world so differently that disagreements/miscommunications/misunderstandings seem to be an almost daily occurrence. I'm trying to look into healthy ways to discuss these issues but in the meantime, I tend to prefer distancing myself in these moments because I can feel myself getting defensive and angry and I know that responding when I'm in that state is a bad idea so I will often remain silent or if I can manage it, I'll try to say that I am unable to talk at the moment but would be happy to return to the issue later.
Here's where the potential for gaslighting comes in:
I have learned that I cannot trust my memory due to ADHD. However, I worry that he takes advantage of my uncertainty and when we get back to discussing the argument, he will state events the way that he portrayed them. The issue is that that is not how I remember it going but as I usually cannot remember exactly how it did go, I cannot refute his statements either.
So in the end, he ends up being in the "right" and I am the one who is quick to anger for "no reason" and needs to change.
While I don't fully believe this, I don't know what to do to alter this dynamic.
I don't want to discuss things when I know I won't be able to stop myself from saying something that will truly hurt him or our relationship (I am capable of being incredibly destructive in these instances) so not saying anything and taking a break does seem like the best thing to do until I can overcome my emotions and talk more rationally.
But.
If I cannot remember what happened to start the fight or why I got upset in order to explain it to him, then his version of events becomes the only version of events. He does not need to change, I need to change.
I refuse to believe that in a relationship with two people, that it's always one person who is at fault.
So, has anyone else experienced something like this and does anyone have advice for handling it?
I've considered journaling but it takes so much time that I don't always have.
In the meantime, I want to seek a couple's therapist who specialises in ADHD but that's easier said than done.
Thanks!