Post by nm8 on Apr 12, 2022 20:11:41 GMT
I'm 44 and last year I was re-diagnosed with AADD. I was originally diagnosed in my late twenties but didn't tell anyone and didn't do anything about it. Recently my partner suggested that I get checked out again and now I'm all signed up and taking Elvanse - which for my work has been miraculous. My problem is in my personal life.
A little background. I'm relatively good looking, I'm relatively smart and I'm a good mimic. On the surface I can pretty much fit in anywhere. It's only when people what to make a deeper connection that it all goes wrong.
I've had many jobs and have been successful at them over short periods of time. To accommodate this I managed to tailor my career to high intensity, short burst projects. Ive worked in marketing, been a film producer, run an events company and been a short term PA for people in the entertainment industry.
I've got a small smattering of long term loving and loyal friends, a load of friends i've lost along the way and I'm pretty unless at making and maintaining new ones.
I've always been horrible at relationships. Most of them have ended the same way. "I don't open up. I don't let them in. I'm not emotionally present" - I always accepted that I was the problem and I did everything I could make the end of the relationship as painless as possible. At least I thought that's what I was doing. Looking back I think I just made it worse. They were trying to fix me and I didn't know i needed fixing. Truth of the matter is I that I never understood what they were talking about.
Things did get better and I've been with the same girl now for 7 years. We have a couple of amazing kids (who are the best thing in the world) and she puts up with me. We've had our ups and downs - I've had issues with addiction but we've managed to work through the bad times and put them behind us. I thought things were great. Turns out I was wrong and now the same old issues are coming up.
We had a long chat recently during which, for the first time, I realised that there's a whole 'nother spectrum to life and the human condition that I'm been completely unaware of. It's like I've been colour-blind my whole life and someone finally managed to explain what it seems the majority of the world take for granted.
She asked me if I'd ever had a connection with anyone? A connection that gives me joy. A connection that you can get lost in and yet feel found. I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about. I still don't but for the first I'm aware that I'm missing something big. The problem is I don't have a clue how to go about finding it.
I'm not blind to the fact that what I'm describing is probably more than just AADD. Honestly? I'm terrified of a further diagnosis...there's stigma and worry that I'll pass my genes on to my kids etc. Why has no one told me before. Does everyone already know? Do people talk about behind my back? It's pretty scary.
Wondering if anyone here recognises what I'm talking about or has got any advice? - I'm all ears.
Thanks for reading.