Post by Reepicheep on May 11, 2022 10:58:22 GMT
My partner of a year and a half, the only real boyfriend I've ever had and 50 times the man I ever dreamed existed, never mind would be with me, has ended things. It feels very out of the blue, we had our first fight then he cried and said he had to think. Once he spoke to his therapist yesterday, he told me he had to end it. I felt he wasn't as sure as me but I thought that he at least felt the same in that it was worth working through any issues together. I feel like he''s given up at the first hurdle, but now see he was struggling all along and I didn't register how he tried to express that. I feel so cruel and useless. He deserved so much better than being made to feel it was one sided and his struggles and attempts to express it ignored.
It wasn't even a fight at all really, neither of us got angry, I just kept talking for hours while emotional and feeling he didn't get it on a tense subject - how I may die with no covid restrictions and getting out in the world again, but feel I need to try. I guess I wanted him to show he cared and got how hard that was for me, but I barrelled on without giving him space to speak, panicking more because I thought he was being quiet with indifference. I now get that it's his was of listening which he felt was supportive. I knew on the day that keeping talking messed things up more, though I only now grasp the intensity he experiences verbal overload and how often I caused it. I just felt in the moment if I kept taking I'd say the thing that made him understand or care, I felt he didn't, even though that contrasts his actions. I have kept going before with conversations about my friendships and past work before, when it seemed like it didn't make him happy. I felt it was dislike not serious struggle and I thought well I should try to talk about myself not just our interests so I know he likes me. I think it was ok in text but not in person, but I really struggle to make a point with brain fog.
He just can't cope with being put in a depressive place by the way I overload. I thought it was negative subjects or not being interested in me, not the way I did it. It's too late and he doesn't want to try me workig on it. I looked up so many strategies this week and finally had therapy set up already because I knew I had much to work on, but the wait was so long. Had the assessment a few days ago and starting in June. I also was recommended no antidepressants and told I can't get ritalin or anything, then the assessor told me to get antidepressants, so they're arriving soon. I needed other resources and clearer communication to not hurt him like this and wanted them anyway, but its so unfair that it's too late and I will never know if he would be with me if he wasn't stuck with me at my worst point after hell years with nothing else to lean on, not even working on communication as he needed. If he wouldn't be left broken by having the break my heart. He says he is so sorry. He was surprised and impressed how I reacted, but damn I just want to cry to him forever asking why I'm not worth the struggle. I won't and I know what it is to have limits but it feels so unreal that he could care and walk away this way. I never found it hard to listen to him talk and wanted to know everything, do anything to make his day better. I know I failed so much, but it seemed so clear before that overall I made him so happy in a way he would never be otherwise. I thought I could fully be myself because the good we shared was enough.
I don't know how to live with this and was already struggling so much before I met him, I know it's not healthy and tried not to ever express it that way or make him feel responsible but I do feel like I would have killed myself if not for him. Work, health, family, friends, the pandemic, past relationships all blew up in horrific ways in 2020 and I've always struggled with thinking I'd prefer to be dead than struggling so much. I carried on for my friends who now rarely reply and family who yell at me or cut me off. I know the problem is part me, but I was working on everything I was capable of as best I could despite how it kept piling up. It was just that everyone had their own struggles and no capacity to believe my issues or make time for contact. I feel they won't care if I'm gone as much as they'd struggle with keeping me in their life.
Suddenly I got talking to him and all the core values I dreamed of sharing with someone and never expected to find in any man, never mind all in one person were there. He was also the funniest person I ever met and I felt made me feel like my funniest best self, we both appreciated the kindness and understanding and joy in nerdy things and sharing films. He understood that I had depression, as he too was quite at the brink when we started talking. I feel he is now out the extreme place he was in by a mile which he says is thanks to me supporting him, though he's still fragile. We both knew that it was not ideal to get in relationships at peak depression but then he talked it out with his therapist and we decided that the alternative of missing out on a person we found so great was not the right way.
It's been challenging but certainly wonderful and I knew I was in love and had to find a way to make any issues workable and help each other feel cared for and happy. He helped me, seeing him has been the only thing I feel good about and he has given me reason to get better and head to a future I want to share with him.
He is very likely autistic and I thought I may be too, but mainly think I'm definitely someone with ADHD and I'm diagnosed with FND. So I get a lot of time blindness, brain fog and struggle a lot more than I ever used to with the bad place I'm in leading to anxious babbling and losing track of thoughts and what I'm saying.
I'm vulnerable and have been very isolated and hurt by the lack of care other show to safety, but even though he couldn't travel out of his hometown barely before, he drove hours to see me so I wouldn't be unsafe on public transport. I tried to make up for this huge effort I couldn't reciprocate by making sure he felt I understood the gravity and appreciated him, I got lots of his favourite safe foods and treats he might like, I knew he struggled with limited interests more than me so went with the more specific films he chose and got really into watching him game. He seemed worried things like being very specific about routine or food or likes was a problem, I always reassured him not. I thought he meant it the same way when I was apologetic about lateness or babbling/interrupting, but I think he felt pressured by my being emotional about it. I'd rather he yelled and I had a chance to fix it, he did say a bit but never in a 'lets talk way'. I just didn't grasp it wasn't just a small problem or preference.
I knew I had a huge issue with being on time and he got distressed I didn't come to the door in time, (on one occasion I was still in the shower and the first time we met i panicked for 20 minutes) which I know is unreasonable and often thought no one could be with me for. I thought it was sort of ok as he was the first person that accepted I didn't do it on purpose when I got emotionally apologetic one time, he grasped it was my wiring and it wasn't a sign I didn't respect his time. Still he needed routine and didn't like waiting so I thought I mostly got a lot better once I got more comfy with him and didn't panic about him seeing me without a shower and make up either. So I knew it was an issue that would seriously affect us and since I've tried to fix it my whole life I know that may be always the case. But he doesn't do outings at all, so I thought it would be ok just to mostly keep on top of answering the door asap. I see now he felt it unsustainable, understanding it won't fix feeling bad from it.
I think the main thing is I just interrupt and barrel on and get emotional. I thought I reigned it in ok considering I'm so down, so I feel maybe everyone hates me for this and I didn't even get it. I don't say here is the set plan for a subject and point I want to make and the reaction I need. Now I know that I feel I can do better, I do still feel like it may never be good enough but I'll never know. Its awful yet one more slip up may make him feel so bad he can't bear it. He has to give up us being the happiest thing in his life, because I don't know how to talk or be easy to be around or regulate my emotions. It's so unfair, I can't bear it.
I know it's right to work on it all and was ready, I started walks again just before and eating a bit better. Now I've barely eaten or moved. Why or how to work on relationships when I have no real connections, why get better for a life without him. I have never felt it's worth the struggle that just keeps increasing. I want to kill myself more than I can stand, but I just can't because how would he feel finding out and feeling responsible. I can't keep living this horrible life or cope just for the sake of someone that dumped me! I want to fix it with him, but I will just hurt him more and he wouldn't consider trying.
I need a way out. Can anyone help please?
It wasn't even a fight at all really, neither of us got angry, I just kept talking for hours while emotional and feeling he didn't get it on a tense subject - how I may die with no covid restrictions and getting out in the world again, but feel I need to try. I guess I wanted him to show he cared and got how hard that was for me, but I barrelled on without giving him space to speak, panicking more because I thought he was being quiet with indifference. I now get that it's his was of listening which he felt was supportive. I knew on the day that keeping talking messed things up more, though I only now grasp the intensity he experiences verbal overload and how often I caused it. I just felt in the moment if I kept taking I'd say the thing that made him understand or care, I felt he didn't, even though that contrasts his actions. I have kept going before with conversations about my friendships and past work before, when it seemed like it didn't make him happy. I felt it was dislike not serious struggle and I thought well I should try to talk about myself not just our interests so I know he likes me. I think it was ok in text but not in person, but I really struggle to make a point with brain fog.
He just can't cope with being put in a depressive place by the way I overload. I thought it was negative subjects or not being interested in me, not the way I did it. It's too late and he doesn't want to try me workig on it. I looked up so many strategies this week and finally had therapy set up already because I knew I had much to work on, but the wait was so long. Had the assessment a few days ago and starting in June. I also was recommended no antidepressants and told I can't get ritalin or anything, then the assessor told me to get antidepressants, so they're arriving soon. I needed other resources and clearer communication to not hurt him like this and wanted them anyway, but its so unfair that it's too late and I will never know if he would be with me if he wasn't stuck with me at my worst point after hell years with nothing else to lean on, not even working on communication as he needed. If he wouldn't be left broken by having the break my heart. He says he is so sorry. He was surprised and impressed how I reacted, but damn I just want to cry to him forever asking why I'm not worth the struggle. I won't and I know what it is to have limits but it feels so unreal that he could care and walk away this way. I never found it hard to listen to him talk and wanted to know everything, do anything to make his day better. I know I failed so much, but it seemed so clear before that overall I made him so happy in a way he would never be otherwise. I thought I could fully be myself because the good we shared was enough.
I don't know how to live with this and was already struggling so much before I met him, I know it's not healthy and tried not to ever express it that way or make him feel responsible but I do feel like I would have killed myself if not for him. Work, health, family, friends, the pandemic, past relationships all blew up in horrific ways in 2020 and I've always struggled with thinking I'd prefer to be dead than struggling so much. I carried on for my friends who now rarely reply and family who yell at me or cut me off. I know the problem is part me, but I was working on everything I was capable of as best I could despite how it kept piling up. It was just that everyone had their own struggles and no capacity to believe my issues or make time for contact. I feel they won't care if I'm gone as much as they'd struggle with keeping me in their life.
Suddenly I got talking to him and all the core values I dreamed of sharing with someone and never expected to find in any man, never mind all in one person were there. He was also the funniest person I ever met and I felt made me feel like my funniest best self, we both appreciated the kindness and understanding and joy in nerdy things and sharing films. He understood that I had depression, as he too was quite at the brink when we started talking. I feel he is now out the extreme place he was in by a mile which he says is thanks to me supporting him, though he's still fragile. We both knew that it was not ideal to get in relationships at peak depression but then he talked it out with his therapist and we decided that the alternative of missing out on a person we found so great was not the right way.
It's been challenging but certainly wonderful and I knew I was in love and had to find a way to make any issues workable and help each other feel cared for and happy. He helped me, seeing him has been the only thing I feel good about and he has given me reason to get better and head to a future I want to share with him.
He is very likely autistic and I thought I may be too, but mainly think I'm definitely someone with ADHD and I'm diagnosed with FND. So I get a lot of time blindness, brain fog and struggle a lot more than I ever used to with the bad place I'm in leading to anxious babbling and losing track of thoughts and what I'm saying.
I'm vulnerable and have been very isolated and hurt by the lack of care other show to safety, but even though he couldn't travel out of his hometown barely before, he drove hours to see me so I wouldn't be unsafe on public transport. I tried to make up for this huge effort I couldn't reciprocate by making sure he felt I understood the gravity and appreciated him, I got lots of his favourite safe foods and treats he might like, I knew he struggled with limited interests more than me so went with the more specific films he chose and got really into watching him game. He seemed worried things like being very specific about routine or food or likes was a problem, I always reassured him not. I thought he meant it the same way when I was apologetic about lateness or babbling/interrupting, but I think he felt pressured by my being emotional about it. I'd rather he yelled and I had a chance to fix it, he did say a bit but never in a 'lets talk way'. I just didn't grasp it wasn't just a small problem or preference.
I knew I had a huge issue with being on time and he got distressed I didn't come to the door in time, (on one occasion I was still in the shower and the first time we met i panicked for 20 minutes) which I know is unreasonable and often thought no one could be with me for. I thought it was sort of ok as he was the first person that accepted I didn't do it on purpose when I got emotionally apologetic one time, he grasped it was my wiring and it wasn't a sign I didn't respect his time. Still he needed routine and didn't like waiting so I thought I mostly got a lot better once I got more comfy with him and didn't panic about him seeing me without a shower and make up either. So I knew it was an issue that would seriously affect us and since I've tried to fix it my whole life I know that may be always the case. But he doesn't do outings at all, so I thought it would be ok just to mostly keep on top of answering the door asap. I see now he felt it unsustainable, understanding it won't fix feeling bad from it.
I think the main thing is I just interrupt and barrel on and get emotional. I thought I reigned it in ok considering I'm so down, so I feel maybe everyone hates me for this and I didn't even get it. I don't say here is the set plan for a subject and point I want to make and the reaction I need. Now I know that I feel I can do better, I do still feel like it may never be good enough but I'll never know. Its awful yet one more slip up may make him feel so bad he can't bear it. He has to give up us being the happiest thing in his life, because I don't know how to talk or be easy to be around or regulate my emotions. It's so unfair, I can't bear it.
I know it's right to work on it all and was ready, I started walks again just before and eating a bit better. Now I've barely eaten or moved. Why or how to work on relationships when I have no real connections, why get better for a life without him. I have never felt it's worth the struggle that just keeps increasing. I want to kill myself more than I can stand, but I just can't because how would he feel finding out and feeling responsible. I can't keep living this horrible life or cope just for the sake of someone that dumped me! I want to fix it with him, but I will just hurt him more and he wouldn't consider trying.
I need a way out. Can anyone help please?