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Post by Sue on Jun 27, 2009 5:48:13 GMT
Hi all So glad I found this website - I've been looking for a site that can provide support for the spouse of the ADD sufferer. Been married for 5 years and together before that for 4 years - the last few years have been an emotional rollercoaster and at times I have feared for my sanity and question why I'm in this marriage. Living with someone with ADD is not easy and you can rarely win an argument even one that defies normal logic. Educating myself about ADD has been helpful - it means that I know he is not doing things to upset me but that it is just the way he is due to ADD, ie overspending, lateness, disorganisation. He is on medication, has coaching and has good and bad days. The past 4 years he has found it difficult to function on and off and relied on me to be the breadwinner. I'm a strong, positive person but I've been ground down by this experience - suffering from stress, depression and anxiety which has been affecting my job for the past 6 months. Obviously, can't stop working to recover as I have a huge mortgage and responsibilities. He is a great dad to our 2.8 year old and I am hanging on in there for his sake. We don't argue as much as before as our toddler is very aware of his environment and I also try not to get involved in every drama that comes his way for my own sanity. It saddens me that someone as talented and intelligent as my husband has so little self-esteem and belief. It's hard to stay hopeful or think long term. Glad I can vent on this website as it is difficult to explain ADD - it has taken me 8 years to get to this understanding. My previous strategy was "yes you have ADD, get medicated and get on with life" - this didn't work! No amount of shouting/nagging is going to motivate an ADDer into doing something. Believe me I tried and failed. I was in denial not about his ADD but the fact he could operate in the same way as other people! To all spouses - stay strong, educate yourself and a lot of the time you have to zone out what they are saying or not react - they don't always have a filter on when they speak! Good luck Sue
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Post by twix on Jun 27, 2009 10:12:25 GMT
Hi Sue, glad you have found us and hang on in there, but look after yourself too.
I never have a filter on when I speak lol its always getting me in bother at work, my friends are used to it I think.
A certain amount of motivation can be achieved by encouragement but I used to get really upset from my ex-husband shouting at me because he was shouting at me for stuff I couldn't help. That would then make things worse by making me less motivated and feeling worse about myself. Anyway that's not meant as a criticism but more to try and explain.
Anyway nice to meet you.
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Post by Sue on Jun 27, 2009 20:30:45 GMT
Hi Twix
Thanks for the advice. As I said shouting doesn't work - took me a long, long time to realise that! Encouragement/praise has had some effect but it's very easy for me to do this with my toddler (seems more natural and I have no expectations except for him to be happy) but much harder with husband - I just expect him to be able to do things automatically. Now I realise that these so-called easy tasks are difficult for ADDers and vice versa.
We went to Relate - did not help substantially as it is the ADD driving us apart and the therapist was not an ADD expert. She said hubbie had to change his ways - easier said than done! I'd have more chance of winning the Euro lottery!
So have been steadily adjusting my behaviour, eg remind hubby to do something multiple times (extremely tedious) and telling him we have to go somewhere 30 mins before we actually need to go as by the time he's found keys, wallet, glasses, shoes, coat etc we are usually late. We now have a table in the hallway and key cabinet and key locators attached to all keys which emit a beep. These are small things but have cut down the number of arguments when we are trying to leave the house.
The hardest thing I am finding is that I feel I am now a parent to my hubbie! How do you deal with that?
Thanks Sue
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2009 23:29:58 GMT
Hi Sue,
Thinking of you !! I too am 9 years into a marriage with an as yet un-dx guy - we are going to Bristol Clinic in 2 weeks - hope I can last out that long. I agree it is so difficult not to shout and get annoyed at someone who we had hoped would be our partner - not another responsibility - but I have yet to learn how to do it.
Gina Pera's book 'Is it You, Me or Adult ADD' has really given me some comfort and there seem to be lots of tips as to how to redefine our relationships. In the meantime, know that you are not alone - any chance of you joining a support group for ADD partners - I'm going to start going - along with taking time out to re-find yourself and take pleasure in spoiley things just for you?
I've started treating myself to long walks and an odd night out with the girls - sounds mundane but it is a real breath of air and believe it or not, Al (my man) is calmer too when I go out because it gives us both space and they can cope when we are not there!!!
Take care of yourself. LoL Mooney
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2009 9:36:50 GMT
Hi Sue, I drive my non ADHD wife nuts. Its not intentional and most of the time I don't see whats happening. I've upset her so much in the past with some of the hurtful things I have said that she has stormed out and gone for a walk in the rain (without a coat) or sat in the back garden crying (usually in the rain - yup, come to think of it, it always seems to rain here). There are many, many things I wish I hadn't said to her (or the kids at times) but don't come to realise this until after I have had time to cool off and think about it. I will verbally attack her after only getting half a story and getting the wrong end of the stick - its really stupid. When this happens its like smart, calm & collected part of me walks out of the room for a brew and leaves the rude, unfeeling, dumbass part of me in charge and doesn't come back until the heat is off and then makes me suffer for what I have done - if that makes any sense . Also the decisions that I will make will change with how I am feeling. There are many times I don't like being touched and hugs are definitely out of the question. Air fresheners - don't get me started on air fresheners! My wife is always tidying up after me (and the kids) and most of the time she will come home from work at 10:30pm to a bombsite and immediately sets about sorting out the mess. I know its not fair but now I'm aware of why I've got these problems and making her life hell I'm trying to change - but its really hard (and I'm losing) . My wife is a very patient & caring woman and I know am very lucky but I really don't know why she has stayed with me. Yesterday I had the cheek to tell her that she hasn't the patience and is too soft to consider a teaching assistant job working in a high school with kids with special needs. I'm an idiot.
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Post by Sue on Jun 28, 2009 20:44:56 GMT
Thanks for your support and advice - Mooney
Giddy - your post really moved me - please let your wife read it as she will know how much she is loved and appreciated. I know how hard it is to "lose it" in an argument and that comes from both sides. It is quite scary how fast things can escalate over very little.
I would highly recommend Gina Pera's book that Mooney mentioned to your wife. This is the book that turned things round for me as it is written for the spouse. I read a few books on ADD but just couldn't understand why hubbie could not get his act together afterall he had medication and coaching etc. Until I read Gina Pera's book I was waiting for hubbie to get over ADD! Seems ridiculous now! I have also had to change my expectations and understand the good and bad of ADD, although I am still working on the acceptance part.
Good luck. Take care.
Sue
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2009 22:55:21 GMT
Hi Sue,
Wow - how I empathise with you !! I don't cope well with the acceptance bit yet either and we are at the cause and effect stage - now I'm not sure who is to blame for what!! My reactions are not admirable but it seems we are the ones who have to give to the situation yet again - sometimes some support would be nice....................
This I suppose is a question for Twix really and very sorry if it sounds really thick and selfish of me but can you tell me please, when you are on medication - do you understand what you are like when unmedicated?? I can't get my husband to see what he is like at all or the stupidity of his comments - am I just banging my head against a brick wall??
Hang on in there Sue - others have found light at the end of the tunnel - maybe we will too.
Love Mooney
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Post by twix on Jul 5, 2009 18:13:02 GMT
I think I am beginning to see what I am like (I have now been on meds a couple of weeks) but I don't think I am any better in terms of stupid comments. I feel calmer in myself and more able to concentrate but I don't think its made me any different in behaviour. As I don't have an independent view I don't really know. I am not sure its the meds that have made me see what I am like I was starting to realise anyway but I think its a slow and long journey of self discovery. Sorry if that's not really clear but I am not really sure what's going on in my head at the moment. Equally this may sound harsh but in a lot of ways I like me how I am and I don't know what I want to change and what I don't. Like I said my friends accept me being blunt and I don't know if that's something I should change about me just because that's the socially acceptable norm. Don't get me wrong, I don't like upsetting people but I am no good at pussy footing about. I prefer to be with people who like me as I am and appreciate my straight forward attitude. Not sure this is helpful but I hope it is.
In terms of leaving the house (a big problem for me) my ex used to wait in the car for me which was a lot better than him nagging me or being under my feet as that would send me into a spin and make things worse and take longer.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2009 18:25:49 GMT
i'm with you there twix!
-we should have a whole thread on trying to leave the house!!!!!
my family could tell you some stories about me trying to leave the house, i'm bloody awful at it!
"i'll just be 1 minute, i've just got to quickly wash my hair, brush my teeth, build a wardrobe, --i'll be right with you!"
-MM ;D
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Post by andy12345 on Jul 9, 2009 21:50:22 GMT
Hmmmmm, leaving the house.
Day monday, time, 1pm Phoned relative - should be leaving about 3pm configure new printer, test letter printing, test envelope printing, do preliminary first phase of room tidy in preparation for the epic, never to happen total cleanse. Faff around. Eventually leave at 4pm to arrive at 5pm............and that's just me and only me. No kids, no partner to worry about, no tablets to take, nothing to pack...I ask you, it is truly chaos..
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2009 18:10:33 GMT
hello everyone, its so good to finaly find a place where people understand. my husband hasnt been diagnosed yet but theres no doubt hes got add. hows this for just one symptom, last year i started to make a note of how many pairs of reading glasses he was going through, from january when i gave up in early june he had gone through 27 pairs!! his latest impulse buy is an effin caravan i ask you, jus the very thought of going away together causes me to have nightmares. the constant interuptions drive me mad and everyone we know sais the same thing to me "we love him to bits but no way could we live with him"i have purposefully let my passport go out of date because i know if it was still valid i would run away. he quite litteraly swears every other word, cant concentrate for more than a few seconds, is forever losing his keys, glasses, wallet, and the horror that is the mobile phone, every single day he loses it somewhere. on a more possitive note, he has an allotment where he has won prizes for his fruit and veg and hes a brilliant dad to our 2 sons, 22 and 31 and lovely grandfather to our only grandchild. if there is ever an olympic event for shouting he would win gold every time and if there was one for swearing he would be the world champion. our eldest son is also add also in the process of being diagnosed, stop the world i want to get off. that feels great, a good rant is just what i needed. hes obviously out of the house right now or it would have been almost immpossible to sit here and write this much all at once, he would usually have interupted me about 5 times!!! thanks for the site who ever thought it up.
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Post by boo on Jul 15, 2009 19:34:36 GMT
Kriss 27 pairs of glasses do you ever find any of them? lost things in this house quite often turn up when looking for other lost things ......i cant tell you how many times we say 'oooohhhhh, thats where that went, i was looking for that last week/month/year' ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jul 15, 2009 19:51:31 GMT
27 pairs of glasses! I shouldn't laugh.... sorry... can't help it :-) My hubby lost his glasses and I've never managed to get him back to the Opticians to replace them... I really should drag him there one of these days. His biggest problem is losing money.... it just seems to fall out of his pocket... or else he's spending it and not owing up... who knows!
I really sympathise about the caravan..... we had one last year which he bought on impulse.... then decided he didn't want it any more so he bought an old welfare (sunshine) bus, which is now outside the house looking kinda messy! His GP agreed it was probably helpful for him to have a project, cos he's been very depressed.... but this is one very expensive project..... we're going away for three weeks in august... in our bus.... all four of us.... hmmm!
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Post by sherry on Jul 15, 2009 21:57:49 GMT
Hey I spent 35K on a motor home, lived in it for three months and then took 18 months to sell it for 24K, how is that for impulse buying. As for spending money, it falls out of my pocket onto ebay lol!!!
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Post by CharlieLM on Nov 10, 2011 3:38:54 GMT
Hi guys, wow. I have been with my guy (who has ADHD) for well over a year now, I got him diagnosed and sorted out his whole life for him (debts etc) and when he started medication I really thought things would be a little bit easier. I wasn't expecting miracles but MAYBE he would remember to empty the bins after the 8th or 9th time I asked him or even stop waking me up whenever he decides to smash in to bed (3am today, I have to be up at 5.30 for a 12 hour shift) and start talking to me. All of my expectations have been dashed, I feel like I have a 27 year old son and I am exhausted by it. Every time I talk to him about this stuff he gets really upset and I feel like such a bad person as it is the ADHD stuff that gets me angry and upset not him. Its 3.30am and I am just completely exhausted, I don't want to be his Mum and I don't want to feel like this anymore but I love him and want to spend my life with him. I don't know what to do.
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Post by kakema on Nov 10, 2011 17:43:59 GMT
You're not a bad person. ADHDers are hard to live with. Good that you love him, tho.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2011 10:31:06 GMT
Thanks for this everyone. Has made me realise I am not alone though it does feel like it a lot of the time.
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Post by mccutcheon on Nov 15, 2011 18:44:25 GMT
wow--- reading all this has been very because it gives me even more of an insight into what my wife has been going through for the past 3 years (we've been together for 6.5 years but I was better at compensating until about 3 years ago). Some of you guys' stories are quite discouraging, because they do not always have that glimmer of hope one is looking for. But my wife and I have been through some shitty things in our six years - her ex mobbing me in college, my wife's depression and burnout, my grandfather's death, my dad's death, my burnout and depression, and bouts of either of us being out of a job - the ADHD is just one more thing we'll have to conquer together. and so far it's working quite well. the situation is this:I have ADD. My wife does not. When I got diagnosed we both started researching. I think her book is the "Is it you, me or adult ADD" one and it has been helping her - and us - a lot. I think it makes her get less angry and frustrated with me when I do ADHD things because now she understands that I'm not doing them on purpose. It also helped her to read other people's stories, see that she's not alone, and in a lot of ways, lucky, because I've made no fuss about going to the pdoc and starting meds. She's also in a forum for spouses and that seems to help as well. as for me, I've been reading (no, of course I haven't finished it yet) the "You mean I'm not lazy, crazy or stupid?" book and it has honestly changed my life and the way I think about myself. It's been a journey of forgiving myself, letting the self-hate go and understanding why I do things the way I do them. A fellow ADHDer I randomly met in the NBC store at 30 Rock recommended it to me and I can only try to pay this forward by recommending it to other people. It really has changed my life. I started on meds recently and they seemed to help and took a lot of the explosiveness out of our relationship. A lot less fighting, a lot more calm. Hell, if I can stand myself better it's easier for everyone else as well. Sadly, the Ritalin had a bad rebound effect for me so I'll be trying Strattera next. But I'm confident that I will find medication that works. After all, ADD is highly treatable. As for other factors: I've done 1.5 years of therapy, from after my dad died and I burnt out until about two weeks ago. So I guess I've done a lot of the "working on myself" part way before I was dx with ADD. I'm pretty sure that helped as well when it came to dealing with it, because I had already regained some of my self-worth even before I knew why I was missing it in the first place. Another thing: my wife and I talk about it A LOT. It helps us to check in with each other, trade info from the books we are reading etc. and she even helped me get organised once I had learned to admit that I needed help with some things. (she needs help with other things, everyone needs help with something.) so to sum up:- ADHD is a disability, it is not your fault nor is it anyone else's. Hence you really shouldn't be ashamed about it. On the contrary, be happy that there is a reason for all your crazy. - take some time to get used to the idea that the ADD is and always will be a part of you. and yes, you may need to go through some stages of grief as you cry for years lost and chances missed - know that ADHD is incurable but highly treatable, so --> meds are your friends - research for the ADHD partner (You mean I'm not lazy, crazy or stupid) - research for the non-ADHD spouse (Is it you, me or adult ADHD) - talk about it with your partner - ad nauseam! it will help you understand each other better - consider therapy or coaching (normal couple's therapy is not advisable since not all therapists are informed about ADHD) - learn to ask for help when you need it - and very important: learn to love yourself again (as cheesy as that may sound) & never lose your sense of humor sorry for the length of this post, but maybe it'll help someone or someone's partner.
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