Post by rapidassistant on Aug 7, 2022 23:23:30 GMT
Hi, I have just joined the group,
Although I have had no formal ADHD diagnosis, I've read up extensively on the subject over the last year or so, and listening about all the symptoms - such as difficulty concentrating, 'zoning out' of conversations, chronic procrastination, bursts of high concentration and "brilliance", organisation problems and intense emotions etc.etc., it's been like reading my life story (I am 45), and I am now convinced I have the condition. My question is however on RSD - because a number of life events has led me to believe that I too have this condition.
I have always struggled with rejection and took it personally; in a positive sense, the fear of criticism has driven me hard to AVOID being criticised or rejected - I worked too hard at university, graduated with a brilliant degree, was top of my class, by the time I left I ran into all sorts of problems because employers were looking for more than academic qualifications. All I got when I applied for jobs was an endless torrent of rejections - and people with lesser academic performance were getting offers from big prestigious companies left right and centre. It was at this point my life began to fall apart - I was 23, and I started to fall into a big pit of depression because it seemed all my efforts were for nothing. All my chips were on one final company I got an interview for and I was convinced that I got the job, then I was rejected. This tipped me over the edge and I smashed up my bedroom in a fit of rage as a result, causing a massive fallout with my father which we never really recovered from. Ever since over the last 20 or so years, , I've had what I would call a patchy career - limping from one job to another - but I'm slowly realising that potential ADHD symptoms were at the root of my under performance. It has hit my self esteem badly. I went from being a top performer at school and university and everyone thinking I was "great", then feelings that I've let everyone down. in middle age with a fair to middling career.
Relationships and friendships have sometimes been a struggle too - when I started dating people, I couldn't cope being "blown out" - and would lash out at them as a consequence. Sometimes my romantic interests were forced to cancel meet-ups and weekends due to external circumstances that were beyond their control at the eleventh hour (work commitments, family commitments, or just plan bad luck things happening etc.). Again - I would somehow perceive these events as "rejection" of me - and I'd go into the most intense "downers" - often shutting the other person out as a sort of "punishment" (as I saw it), but it was also a sort of self preservation mechanism that by pulling the shutters down on the person that was associated with the memory of me being rejected. I can see now I was being a horrible person - but some accused me of being a "snowflake", "selfish" and "a spoiled brat that just wanted his own way" - yet I still had trouble with my conscience, as I am naturally a kind, loving emotionally intense person that wants really strong emotional connection, but yet can't cope with this connection being taken away.
I can't describe the feelings when these rejections happen - but its scary. I can literally feel physiological changes occur in my body - my nerves tingle all the way to my feet, and it literally feels like my entire world is collapsing when it happens. as I have said - I have had emotional outbursts (either anger or intense sadness) which I just couldn't control, or keep within - often ending in me bursting into tears, and then it taking a day or two for me to "reset". My response has always, as I've said - been to "shut down", and just blank out the thing or person who caused the rejection.
The thing is - and I know this has been a long message - is it ADHD/RSD that's the problem - and should I seek treatment? This is the first time I have spoken openly about things - and I really want to know I am not "broken" in any way.
Although I have had no formal ADHD diagnosis, I've read up extensively on the subject over the last year or so, and listening about all the symptoms - such as difficulty concentrating, 'zoning out' of conversations, chronic procrastination, bursts of high concentration and "brilliance", organisation problems and intense emotions etc.etc., it's been like reading my life story (I am 45), and I am now convinced I have the condition. My question is however on RSD - because a number of life events has led me to believe that I too have this condition.
I have always struggled with rejection and took it personally; in a positive sense, the fear of criticism has driven me hard to AVOID being criticised or rejected - I worked too hard at university, graduated with a brilliant degree, was top of my class, by the time I left I ran into all sorts of problems because employers were looking for more than academic qualifications. All I got when I applied for jobs was an endless torrent of rejections - and people with lesser academic performance were getting offers from big prestigious companies left right and centre. It was at this point my life began to fall apart - I was 23, and I started to fall into a big pit of depression because it seemed all my efforts were for nothing. All my chips were on one final company I got an interview for and I was convinced that I got the job, then I was rejected. This tipped me over the edge and I smashed up my bedroom in a fit of rage as a result, causing a massive fallout with my father which we never really recovered from. Ever since over the last 20 or so years, , I've had what I would call a patchy career - limping from one job to another - but I'm slowly realising that potential ADHD symptoms were at the root of my under performance. It has hit my self esteem badly. I went from being a top performer at school and university and everyone thinking I was "great", then feelings that I've let everyone down. in middle age with a fair to middling career.
Relationships and friendships have sometimes been a struggle too - when I started dating people, I couldn't cope being "blown out" - and would lash out at them as a consequence. Sometimes my romantic interests were forced to cancel meet-ups and weekends due to external circumstances that were beyond their control at the eleventh hour (work commitments, family commitments, or just plan bad luck things happening etc.). Again - I would somehow perceive these events as "rejection" of me - and I'd go into the most intense "downers" - often shutting the other person out as a sort of "punishment" (as I saw it), but it was also a sort of self preservation mechanism that by pulling the shutters down on the person that was associated with the memory of me being rejected. I can see now I was being a horrible person - but some accused me of being a "snowflake", "selfish" and "a spoiled brat that just wanted his own way" - yet I still had trouble with my conscience, as I am naturally a kind, loving emotionally intense person that wants really strong emotional connection, but yet can't cope with this connection being taken away.
I can't describe the feelings when these rejections happen - but its scary. I can literally feel physiological changes occur in my body - my nerves tingle all the way to my feet, and it literally feels like my entire world is collapsing when it happens. as I have said - I have had emotional outbursts (either anger or intense sadness) which I just couldn't control, or keep within - often ending in me bursting into tears, and then it taking a day or two for me to "reset". My response has always, as I've said - been to "shut down", and just blank out the thing or person who caused the rejection.
The thing is - and I know this has been a long message - is it ADHD/RSD that's the problem - and should I seek treatment? This is the first time I have spoken openly about things - and I really want to know I am not "broken" in any way.