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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 9:13:21 GMT
It is just so unfair My parents will look after my older boy (they always have). To be fair he is quite easy to look after provided he has a laptop and some DVD's. He generally stays at my parents a couple of nights a month (his choice). My little one is now nearly 6 and has never stayed over. Suddenly over the past month he has started sleeping through the night ;D so thought it might be a good idea to suggest him staying over at some point in the future. He is always asking me why his brother is allowed and he is not. Basically my Mum said NO! She said he is hard work and needs too much attention. She said at her age (74) no person would look after such a child, especially not a child like Z. She then went on to say that when they watch him for me for an hour last week he was a nightmare. He wouldn't watch the telly or play onthe computer ie he wouldn't sit quietly like my older son. Am I right in thinking this is a little unfair? I know my mum is older than some but thats not my fault. I feel so unsupported by them. they do reluctantly baby sit about once every 4 or 5 months but we must be home by 11pm or there is hell to pay. They also give my older son pocket money, but not Z. What they hell should I do? One of the most annoying things is if I tell her someone else is baby sitting (this is very rare) then she starts questioning me and saying "I'm not happy about someone else looking after them". What does she expect me to do? With all my older sons medical problems and Z's difficult behaiour I must be allowed a break at some point in my life. Do other people with ADHD kids get support from grandparents? I know my Aunt (my mums sister) takes her grandchildren away on holiday with her. My mum thinks she is a sucker
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Post by roland on Jun 29, 2009 9:55:01 GMT
Hi mrsmuddle,
I really feel for you, because you do deserve a break, but I'm wondering if your younger son would actually enjoy staying with your mum anyway since she prefers quieter activities.
And apologies if you've already looked into this, but I'm wondering if your county council has support for carers such as a sitting service or extra help when you need a break? And again sorry if you've already tried that.
I don't think it's fair that your mum gives pocket money to one and not to the other, I know from my own childhood that I was very quick to spot inequalities like that and felt very hurt by them. Have you asked her why she doesn't give pocket money to Z? Is it because she feels Z isn't old enough yet or something like that? Or has she simply overlooked it?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 10:06:05 GMT
Hi Roland, I do speak to our social worker about support every time I see her..she is looking in to it. I perhaps I need to nag her again. Somerset is really bad for things like this. You are right I am sure Z wouldn't really enjoy it but its the principle isnt it. Plus the fact they dont try to make him enjoy it. They were the same with me as a kid, no park, no games, no attention. Thinking about it, they did used to do loads with my older son when he was Z's age. They started giving my older son pocket money for eating well as he used to have a really phobia (which I got him out of ). I told them at the time I wasn't happy as Z was being left out. THey said they would address that when the problem came up. Now they give T £5 per week and Z £1 if he notices. Families, what a nightmare. Thanks for the reply. I'm feeling like I'm being a bit of a brat over this LOL. I guess I will never change them but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. Take care x
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Post by lily on Jun 29, 2009 10:19:02 GMT
Hi Mrsmuddle
I dont think youre being a brat at all. I would feel upset by this if I was in your position too.
Would it help to speak to your parents and try and communicate your frustrations to them about this? Because they may not be aware of how their actions are hurting you and maybe if they could see that you were unhappy they would want to try and change that?
I also got treated differently by my family when I was younger and I definately noticed it at the time. I dont want to scare you or anything by saying that but I know you said you were aware of it too. My immediate family were fine but it was aunts, uncles, grandparents etc. who treated me differently to all my cousins and they still do to this day and it really winds me up.
Why dont you try and visit your parents with your son and see how he acts around them? If he behaves well he should at least be given a chance by his grandparents in the future.
My neighbour volunteers a few times a week by having children at her house so that the childrens parents can have a bit of free time for themselves. She looks after children ranging from having downs syndrome to life limiting illnesses and she loves it. I would hope that where you are there must be a similar service at least?
Lily x
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 10:44:59 GMT
Hi Lily Like I said to Roland, I have badgered my social work about this and am constanly searching on the web for answers but to no avail. I have just called the social worker agian but she is on holiday. I had a good chat with my Mum about this on Friday. I was in tears. I only want maybe one or 2 nights a year just to feel like me again. She just said "I may sound heartless but I am just not doing it". She knows how desperate I am. About 5 years ago my parents stayed with my family for 3 months while looking for a new house. They reluctant agreed to one night. When me and my husband got back my Dad was waiting at the door and said "We are never doing that again" and they never did. What can I say I just hope I am there for my children more than they have been for me. Thanks for your support. it really means alot. x
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 10:51:05 GMT
Old people get set in their ways and find it difficult to process new things eg son 2 is now easy to manage. And I'm afraid fairness is not a given. It's a bit of a stretch to impose your values on another, even though they are logical/sensible. Relationships - the worst ship ever to sail the choppy seas of life I'm with you, BTW. My mum is a bloody nightmare with her has to be done like that/ we don't want this, do we routines.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 11:05:53 GMT
Thanks dave, I know, I know. You can't change people, just a that life has dealt me a huge pile of crap and a rubbish family for support. I know all these things make you stronger blah blah blah but I don't always want to be strong. I want to get drunk and have a boogie or just eat my dinner with out waiting for my little one to distroy his bed room or the older one endless rabbiting on about computer games (ASD) or having a meltdown Why is it some people get it all and others are dealt such a rough deal. I must pull myself together now ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 12:01:29 GMT
Pull yourself together, woman.
Calm down!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 29, 2009 12:08:16 GMT
@planetdave
Just what I needed ;D
I'm guessing you and my older son have a very similar DVD collection LOL!
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Post by lily on Jun 29, 2009 12:38:53 GMT
Oh sorry mrsmuddle didnt really read properly that youd already mentioned speaking to the social worker.
Im a little bit shocked at how youre being treated. I cant pass judgement on someone I havent met and wouldnt want to do that anyway but I am a bit surprised that your mum is not budging on this one.
Like Dave said unfortunately elderley people can be very set in their ways. When trying to explain adhd to my grandma she said "they didnt have all these pretend illnesses when I was your age, people just got on with it!"
Do you have any other family members or close friends who would be willing to help you out such as aunts, cousins etc.?
Or do you have the money to be able to pay for a babysitter but someone who is experienced in looking after children who require a bit more attention?
Its not fair that you cant go out and have fun like a lot of other mums do. I wish I could help you!
Lily x
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Post by redneck on Jun 29, 2009 16:34:04 GMT
Well I dont know exactly how your adhder behaves but I would say that in my experience I dont think it's fair to expect your Mum to have him? My Mum is 75 and she always looked after my adhder when I was working and she was little. BUT now she is 11, 5 feet 3 (taller than my Mum) and has fists I would not expect my Mum to look after her. Noway. My Mum would volunteer but I would not leave my adher with her, she is way too aggressive. I would however expect my Mum (and yours) to treat the grandkids the same as far as pocket money and treats and things go btw. RR
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Post by .... on Jul 2, 2009 15:58:24 GMT
Ggrrr I'm so cross I'm gonna be rude and hijack your post for a rant (in empathy) for five seconds.
Am supposed to attend parents evening/meet the tutor at the high school my eldest is starting in sept. Not one of my family will babysit for an hour. I look after my four niece/nephews for several weeks each year and run around after the lot of them regularly. Yet they rant at me if I let my ex-husband into the house. Tis barely worth it I suppose- had to beg and beg him before he looked after our two daughters for 1 hour in the last fortnight. It is degrading but better than nothing.
Anyways sorry to rant. Guess I'd better go decide whether to make a bad impression by not going, or by trying to force my little one to sit still for the presentations in the mediteranean heat!
I think you've gotten a raw deal mrsmuddle at the mo, and I really hope things get sorted so you can get a break.
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Post by Grey Heron on Aug 28, 2009 13:27:33 GMT
We can not loan our laid back youngest one out, the eldest who is spirited has had three weeks 'holiday' since the middle of July.
We would like to spend some time with the eldest without his brother. My wife has only had to manage our sons together for four weeks during the holidays, I have helped for two of those.
Goes to show the point PlanetDave makes about people being illogical.
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