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Post by Katie on Jul 16, 2009 13:35:59 GMT
Dear All - Firstly can I say how glad I am to have found this site and forum. This is early days for me in thinking that my gorgeous, lovely, wonderful husband could be ADHD and it helps to know there are others out there. I love my husband very much, we have been married 4 years, but at times I find him very difficult to live with.
For some time I have been wondering if it is a question of personality or something else. He can be quite a Jekyll and Hyde character and sometimes I just don't know where I'm at with him. Despite this, I know him to be a kind, generous, empathetic person to whom I mean everything.
His mother has often joked about his hyperactivity as a child and on how difficult he was to handle. She watched a programme about ADHD and said 'O my god, it's John!'
His father was very similar in character to him but caused all sorts of problems in his life culminating in dodgy scams, adultery, bankruptcy and divorce. His children including my husband refuse to have anything to do with him.
My husband is very active and works excessively (in my opinion!). He has all the hallmark symptoms of ADHD and now that I'm thinking he could be ADHD, alot of his behaviour makes much more sense to me when framed by the condition. I have told my husband of my thoughts and he's even done the WHO 6 question test with me which seems to indicate that he is ADHD. He admits himself it would explain alot.
Our problem is exacerbated by the fact that I'm diagnosed bipolar (!). I was diagnosed 6 years ago, I do not work and I try very hard to manage my illness and maintain my responsibility to my husband to stay well. I find the 'roller coaster' of ADHD, if that's what it is, extremely difficult to cope with. I have become very frustrated sometimes, I've lost my temper and even come to blows with my husband when I've tried to explain to him how I'm feeling and he's not listened or dismissed me or got angry with me.
Sometimes I barely recognise myself and I do not like the person I am when feeling that way. Where I feel my life needs to be fairly steady to cope with my disorder, his just seems to fly in the face of all my efforts. I feel more and more that I have to detach myself from him to stay out of the way of him for fear of being caught up in the wake of his activity and disruption. Often I try to keep up with him but my life seems to be lived on his terms and I often say 'I can't keep up with you.' On bad days I just think he's a selfish, thoughtless, ignorant man and I should leave.
My husband is self-employed, having declared himself 'unemployable', and works incredibly hard. He also promises all sorts of things to all sorts of people and is constantly running around trying to keep up with it all. I feel like I am the last on the list.
Things do not get done around the house and he constantly forgets what he's said or agreed to, including spending time with me or helping me out at home. I find it very difficult to have a conversation with him, or to make a plan with him, or to make a decision with him, or to have any kind of routine because of his impulsivity and seeming lack of regard. You can see where I'm going with this!
An area of great worry for me right now is his business paperwork. He cannot keep anything in order or keep accounts or records of any kind. I have taken on as much responsibility of this as I can but even if I ask for his help he puts me off or says he's tired etc etc. Until now I have put it aside and thought 'he's a grown up, he's got to be responsible for himself. If he wants to be self-employed he has to learn to do this'. Now I'm beginning to think it's really an impossibility, but I am the one left to deal with the mess. Or should I let him make a real mess of it, fail to submit his tax return, get fined, or worse. He has already been declared bankrupt through excessive spending on credit cards and financial irresponsibility in his previous relationship. I was left with the fallout from this and supported him throughout.
He often wants to do things in a dodgy kind of way and by the most complicated route possible. I like things straightforward in order to minimise stress. I have a feeling that he doesn't want to do anything about his accounts or to pay tax at all. He has said that if the MPs and banks are all swindling, then why shouldn't he? This of course is a great worry to me.
I have thought that I must speak with his mother about what I believe, and also to a GP perhaps. I've noted the new service starting up in Huddersfield soon which is reasonably close to us though not our own NHS. I have also thought that I should go to the Citizens Advice or similar to get help with his mass of paperwork before the tax return deadline in October. He has said many times that he wants to grow up about these issues and take more responsibility but as yet nothing has happened. I'm not sure if it is even possible.
So. It seems I've written quite a lot, even in itself this has helped. I love my husband very much and want things to be alright between us. He has already asked me 'not to make a project of him' as I've suggested helping to get him more organized. I wonder what is best to do next?
Thanks
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2009 13:45:28 GMT
Hello Katie Keep on with being tolerent - hubby would be more amenable on medication but it can be stressful getting to that point.
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Post by redneck on Jul 16, 2009 15:44:35 GMT
I agree although it must be so hard for you both. My o/h is also adhd and OCD/compilsive hoarder and TS and I am adhd and our child is adhd and ODD (not surprisingly) - this sounds like a huge difficulty but the more I read and the more I think about it, I think praps it is actually easier for us because we all know where we all come from? So whilst I am not the disorganised type (learned behaviours) and my o/h is ... we meet somewhere in the middle - actually, no, I am a doormat LOL!! BUT you obviously love him totally and that's good Big question : does HE think he is adhd? You say you must speak to his Mother,but have you spoken to him about it? RR Oh! so sorry, got carried away and forgot to say WELCOME
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2009 17:27:16 GMT
Hi Redneck - yes I have spoken to him about it. He seems quite open to the idea but also finds it highly amusing. He already calls it Anno Domini High Definition or Antelopes Donkeys Hippos and Dragons. That's just the way his head works I guess. However, having a meaningful conversation about what we can do to manage it is another thing. Hence the 'don't make a project of me' comment. *sigh*
I am currently wading through acres of discarded receipts, bills, late payments etc that make up his 'business records'. Trying not to panic re his tax return.
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Post by andy12345 on Jul 17, 2009 5:37:50 GMT
I know another "business man" who is like this, Katie The details strike me like an epic spacecruiser floating through the universe. It's such a shock initially, but in reality I am totally nonplussed. I think that all roads lead to rome on the adhd business person symptom list. Is never organised but has all of the "tools of the trade" Every shiny new toy you can imagine to make him more manly, directorly, efficient (hah) Whether it be gps, pda, laptop blah blah, loans to refinance and make things "easier to manage", piles of receipts that never get submitted, total lack of consistency, communications, appointments, even after 18 years as a "director of 2 companies" with his wife (who probably should be the director) and of course other miscellaneous shinyshiny things. Lack of diplomacy, respect, outbursts etc. When I think about it, he is clearly ADHD, probably mainly inattentive. He has a rose-tinted spectacle idea of his performance and every positive thing that happens in the business only serves to give him the ability to ignore the highly obvious negative failures that stress everyone involved. I would rather have 1 real, substantiated, replicatable, reliable, reputable success in business than 20 unclarified/uncertainties of if/but/maybe/umming ahing. With the 1 real certainty, you can do a lot.. With 20 if/maybe's it will come back to bite one on the ass at the worst time. He gets his long term hyperfocus and he's off and a new mission/pathway with lots of energy. It is all total bullshit tbh. These dysfunctional business people just destroy things eventually. He will never change until clarification and compatible medication, perhaps like your husband. Has he used excessive financing time and time again to "put all the old debts into one easily manageable payment" ? (manageable for you of course as he does not have to handle it) Does you husband show hyperactivity now in abundance or only occasionally? Does he talk 90 to the dozen, rattling out words like bullets from a sten gun? Can he sit still I think, when it comes to anything that has a mental stigma attached to it, there are 3 types of response. 1) The afflicted will totally deny and practically be scared/repulsed of the idea that they might have a problem. All attempts will be rebuffed. The only solution would probably be severe emotional blackmail, threats of divorce etc. 2) The afflicted will be neutral and can perhaps be slowly veered into the direction of seeking mental assistance, but slowly at their own pace, so they can come around to it in a relaxed manner. 3) The person will be self analytical and should come to the conclusion themselves, due to their self-awareness and highly critical ability, a bit like skynet from the terminator films. Fortunately, the self awareness in this case will only be slightly less destructive than skynet. I really have come to realise that so many "business people" will never make it without a good assistance (usually a female assistant as it would not work very well the other way unless the man is well balanced) My mother is an avid ebayer and deludes herself into thinking that ebay pays its way. I consider her to have strong symptoms of ad/hd -mainly inattentive, like me. I really do feel so sorry for you. You can clearly see how the "executive functioning" area of their brains do not function near optimally...... It's almost like a lack of conscience, but I suppose it could also be considered literally a brain that has not completely matured, however. Unfortunately, you may love your husband, but you may already feel that he may not love you, although it is just the ad/hd possibility (and maybe some other co-morbids) that may give you that idea. The novelty seeking value cannot be underestimated, but in my friend's defence, I think it took a long time of "pre-marriage breakdown" issues before he got shall I say frustrated with basically a lack of female contact. Does not make it right though. Of course, it's not his fault mentally, but his body still has to take the rap for what he has done. I personally have come to the conclusion that perhaps it would be beneficial if all business people wannabes should be pre-assessed for adhd and other ailments that could affect their capability to take the "helm" of a business without unknowingly running it into the ground and displacing employees/investors/family alike. I can hazard a guess, that things will become more volatile over time and you have already seen his childlike tantrums when you are "in his way" If things play out as I expect them (I note his father's behaviour as you described) then it WILL come to ruin and you will probably end up in debt if you are not already. To get his attention, it is likely you will need to drag your heels to stop him in his tracks and basically threaten a walkout of everything. I personally, never intend to own a business, as I really don't like the up's and down's. I know, however, that if these people are put into the right place inside a company and carefully checked up on, they can do well, but THEY won't be satisfied of course.... PlanetDave makes some good, simple points. I am sure you have realised that the way to ensure harmony and peace is to be as soft with him as cotton wool and let him flow undisturbed. The trouble is, that won't change things. If you can see where he is failing, it is quite painful to just be quiet for the sake of it and hope things change, is it not? Unfortunately, my post is certainly lecturing, but it does not stop it from being an ALMOST (* disclaimer) certainty and you have certainly seen the evidence mounting.
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Post by redneck on Jul 17, 2009 12:04:11 GMT
Hi Katie Always Dreading Heavy Discussions ...... is my o/h version haha!!! As for all the bills, tax returns tec ... welcome to my world .. my o/h was self-employed running a business for 5 years - actually I say "running a business" - he sold stuff. I did everything else ;D I guess that';s the same for you? My o/h is also incrediby talented and artistic, this means he tends to be a bit "airy-fairy" - that is not a criticism in fact it is very endearing but it can DRIVE ME MAD!!!!! We did indeed end up in debt - a very long story but we are on the other side of it now. Katie, I totally empathise with you, if you ever want to PM me and have a joint whinging session, please feel free .. RR ps We have been married 13 years and his ex-wife divorced him for "being untidy" (Ive seen the paperwork LOL) hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Not much of a woman that one eh? ?
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Post by andy12345 on Jul 17, 2009 13:16:54 GMT
omg redneck, that is epic. Reason for divorce- untidy!!
Well, I can see that I don't need to say anything else. I am sure redneck has plenty of techniques to offer you, Katie.
One fleeting thought. I have always told my doctor/therapist/psychiatrist etc- "I can learn in my own time- to a level- but then it's just too tricky in my way of thinking. However, if I miraculously learn something that can earn me money o.O, I am not aware of any businesses that support people with ad/hd or the symptoms, for obvious reasons...
I do wonder whether or not working in a gadget place like firebox.com or iwantitnow? etc etc would be great fun for a person like me who seems to do better when on a novelty seeking journey... .
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2009 11:06:36 GMT
Thanks for your replies again. It seems he is taking things on board as he's talking about things quite openly and a few things have started to come out about how he's felt throughout his life that make me feel even more sure ADHD is his condition. I think it will by Approach 2 from andy that will work best. I will also have to try to stay on top of things and hope that we can work better together. I have been given the number of a good accountant who can help with his books and tax return so fingers crossed for that and the future. My husband is very good at work, he always gets a lot of referrals because people are happy with the job he's done and I think the fact that it changes regularly keeps him interested and is a good thing for him, as long as he can finish the job. I think this is where is hyperfocus comes in, although it doesn't always leave alot of room for things at home. Still, I must look to the positives and try to contain the negatives. Thanks again.
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Post by andy12345 on Jul 18, 2009 18:12:00 GMT
Option 2- Oh good, there is plenty of hope and potential then. The fact that he is GOOD at what he does, is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig bonus. From your latest comments, I understand now that he would seem to be quite happy to work as long as he does not have to do anything else. I can severely empathise with that feeling. I sometimes feel so burdened by my lack of progress personally that it's like an assault on my mind/body. The great thing about this site and the members is that it's clear to see that it helps to share and understand the symptoms and how they affect life. The only teensy bit of concern is with regards to the comment "as long as he can finish the job" argh. Has he ever failed to finish a job without getting nudged on course? Would he actually risk money and reputation by failing to finish or does he always manage? It's certainly not over yet lol Be happy with each other and get the process running.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2009 9:17:52 GMT
Hey Andy - I think you're right, work is good but everything else is a struggle. He does finish his work jobs although it usually takes a few visits back to the customer to really 'finish'. At home it's worse. Things get started before others are finished and he quickly loses interest.
What I find hard is handling his mood. He is very erratic and often quite short with me, or just plain nasty if he's questioned or challenged. The hardest thing for me is dealing with the stress and strain of it when he seems incapable of seeing how it effects me and upsets me. I worry a great deal that I will become ill again (I have done very well in the past few years) and don't want to go back there. This leads me to distance myself from him and fantasize about leaving. Not great really.
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Post by andy12345 on Jul 20, 2009 12:33:57 GMT
Omg, this post is soooo long. They don't make sentences like they used to. (it's all over the place, so good luck reading it)
Now, I am just letting you know that I might have missed some issues that you wrote about, due to my attention span and ability to skim. I think I get the idea and I can fill in the blanks.
OOps. missed this bit....
He has already been declared bankrupt through excessive spending on credit cards and financial irresponsibility in his previous relationship. I was left with the fallout from this and supported him throughout.
Hmmmm. sometimes, talking to the ex might be a good idea, especially if you have exactly the same issues and I can see that it's all happened before,
...
Now, let's clarify things. I suffer from the classic mood swings, usually under "anything" that my old grey matter "considers" to be a stress (whether it's challenge/rudeness/humiliation/awkard situations/awkard questions/delicate situations. Some would call it a borderline personality disorder but BPD and/or ad/hd is much more likely.
That's when I become dysfunctional and am more likely to blurt out undiplomatic comments or even storm off. However, I want to add that I have so far never got to the point of attacking anyone. For me it's all strictly verbal. Last violence for me was when I was 14, 20 years ago during a pathetic school fight stirred by others, which I never would have invited otherwise.
Now, I have explained to the people around me, why I have these issues, so that's good. The more I become aware of it, the more I learn to control it (or is it maturity of brain lol), but the old spark is still there, waiting for any perceived slight/humiliation. Apart from that, I am extremely apathetic and so laid back when in my comfort zone lol, like a cat. A pansy, some might say.
Now, relating to your husband. Okay, the "unfinished tasks" issue is there, even for money earning. I have no doubt he makes the careless mistakes. See the issue here......He likes to uphold a reputation in business, but is not capable/worried to uphold a reputation with you? I can bet that the harder he tries, the more difficult it is. Seems to me that ad/hd symptom (i presume ) of "paralysis analysis etc" and the blocking of one's willing to do things is really a blocker of ability to thrive/live and do things.
I would hazard a guess and say that he is as nice as pie if there are ZERO obstructions in his way? You need to correct me if necessary. We are all learning.....
I suppose the fails at home are a classic happiness/energising boost with a new "mission" but then when the difficulties/intricacies occur, bang, that's "boring"
You could say that people with AD/HD are sometimes like cats, for obvious reasons.
Now, has he been short/erratic/nasty with you since the start of relations or did you have to become a bit of a "nag" in his opinion (definiition of nag to an ad/hd'er = anything that stops them flowing)
Do you have animals and how does he treat them?
Only briefing touching on autism......not really my strong point. What about the chance of partial aspergers syndrome/autism spectrum disorder? Does he ever do the right thing/apologise/try to apologise/try to rectify situations/ever comfort you? He may have an additional disorder of being unable to understand emotion?
How does he conduct himself in public. Is he aggressive, neutral, or passive unless sparked off? Does he bitch about people? Is he rebellious for instance? So many questions...
The important thing is how does he behave when there is nothing blocking him, when things are stable. If you let him come and go for days, does he do any random bad behaviour towards you or neutral people? You have to find his baseline, when he is at his best to see how his general persona is. ad/hd can be medicated but some other issues may be harder.
There is no need to answer most of the Q's, but you can certainly think in your head whether he had more than ad/hd. You have the information of the world at your fingertips..
Anyway, option 2 shows a good chance of things.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2009 14:03:48 GMT
Katie - your description is of a pretty typical ADHD male that can't see the destructive effect he's having on the relationship. I used to be like that. I predict that diagnosed and lightly medicated he'd be enormously easier to deal with - and your life significantly improved. There's just the small matter of getting him diagnosed It's worth having.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2009 22:47:40 GMT
Hi Katie - sorry not been in touch earlier but life is somewhat busy.
Hang on in the forum - it will give you such strength - ready Gina Peras "Is it you, me or adult add" and it will hopefully help you to give yourself a bit of tlc - believe me you need it!! Surprisingly the o/h's can cope if we leave them alone and please ourselves sometimes.
I do so understand about how you feel - the loneliness and hurt are difficult to deal with - my husband is usually rude and talks to me like one of his employees (ex employees that is, as he lost the company.........). The result is that I have changed completely and turned into a bit of a banshee which really doees not help matters as it just fuels the fire when we row (most days). The double whammy of adhd is that it is us that has to change (accept that the adder cannot help the way they are and we must allow for it) along with taking the hits and carrying the burden, especially financial, of grown up life.
Somehow - and I have not yet learned the skill - we have to steer matters through without rocking the boat. Question is - who supports us??
Thinking of you and keep your chin up - do send a PM if you want to compare notes.
Lol Mooney
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 22:14:19 GMT
Hi Katie (and all!) I could identify with loads of things in your post, Katie.That's me in one of the first threads in this section ("hello to all" in November 2008) .. I haven't been on the forum for many months now. I found your post very moving and heartfelt.. I think you should be very proud of yourself. I feel I'd lost my sense of identity over the years (20 years living with my husband). I felt so confused. Is it me? Is it him? What's going on? I'd contemplated leaving several times in recent years (even just running away.. God knows where). I felt overwhelmed and bewildered. My husband can be very kind and loving and then he can be so cutting and hurtful (verbally)... I was going to say cruel but I hesitate to use that word it seems a bit too strong. He has caused me a lot of hurt and upset (often came as a surprise to him because he couldn't believe I could be so upset and was really fussing over nothing... AAAAAArrrrgggghhhh!!!!!!) Anyway, I feel I've turned a bit of a corner recently. This has only happened in the last few weeks. Things did change slightly (for the better)when we discovered about ADD (last September) then we seemed to go into a lull and things seem to be shifting again now... again for the better. I've been reading Gina Pera's book and have to agree with Mooney's comments. Hard to read at times (I think I cried much of the way through reading the second part). My husband is in the process of seeking a diagnosis .. he's on a waiting list for a new adult ADHD clinic in West Yorkshire (Wakefield... maybe that's nearer to where you live Katie?) It started up in June this year. He can't wait to be seen and I can't wait either .. although I know we might have to for a bit yet. Undiagnosed ADHD (which we are 99.99999999% sure that it is) has caused a lot of damage in our relationship to the point where I almost felt like I detested my husband. Very sad... because really he's a top bloke. Anyway, I'm hanging in there... he ain't getting rid of me that easy Take care Katie, Mooney and all kind regards Di
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2009 6:41:12 GMT
sorry for the long and winding post.....
but....
i've been the male in this relationship....
my problem was never work though, i was good at that bit, my problems was and still is that i lie about my failings to those who care for me. my relationship eventually fell apart because i could ( and still can't) never open up to those i care for.
the weigth of the world is on your shoulders because you can't be the man you want to be and in my personal opinion you will always crumble like this.
<quote>His mother has often joked about his hyperactivity as a child and on how difficult he was to handle. She watched a programme about ADHD and said 'O my god, it's John!'</quote>
my mum and dad knew of my situation but i was to proud to allow my partner into this. every day i woke up feeling less and less usfull and used to try and compensate in a way that made me more and more difficult to live with. stuff would get forgotten or ignored, things would be left until it seemed like i didn't care, i have a problem with impulse control and we would find oursleves on holiday with no money ( cos i'd spent it all on something stupid) i'd go out of my way to do something to make up for the fact that i'd not done the 'simple' things.
by the time i allowed her to know, or more that allowed her to know that i knew, it was too late and we had gone from loving each other to her feeling that she was living with a teenager who needed her.
speak to his mum,
confront him,
love him,
don't let it run until its unreconciable,
my adhd manifests itself in a way that i can NEVER see it till its too late, i get focused on an irrelavance that makes me great at my job but rubbish at my life. but if i had let me partner know, she would have stuck by me, she would have supported me, she would have loved me, and together we could have fixed it.
i made too big a mess of things for us to work through and will have to wait for my next chance at happiness. you have an opportunity. confront him, tell him that you are there with him and work together to fix the problems. dont let the gap form, don't let him lie to you about being busy, bored or not in the mood.
give him space but but don't let that space get big. if he's anything like me he craves silence in his head and work gives you that, a simple set of rules that you can follow where nobody really cares (which is to the outside world very very complex), the dodgy underhandedness that makes you question his morals and priorities and will often manifest itself as lieing, cheating and even stealing. for me this was always (or 99% of the time) done with the best of intentions via a, to the outside world, unfathomabaly intricate web of deceit.
<quote>For some time I have been wondering if it is a question of personality or something else. He can be quite a Jekyll and Hyde character and sometimes I just don't know where I'm at with him. Despite this, I know him to be a kind, generous, empathetic person to whom I mean everything</quote>
i once spent the best part of three months pretending to go to work 200 miles away from where my real job was, so that i could be close by while my partner went through a particularly diffcult time which involved the death of her twin sister and adoption of her nephew. I threw myself into the task of making her feel better which involved taking them on holiday, helping the nephew to settle into the 'family' and being 'in my mind' the best male role model i thought i could be. This unfortunately was underscored by me not having any real source of income and therefore funding the entire thing with a credit card that was fraudulently applied for. i went to the public library for 9 hours a day and read. the bonkers thing is that i could have got a decent job close by and been a real man but in my head, this was the only way. i was lucky enough that the fraud extended only as far as my father, and that in the end the £15k bill i had run up could be paid off both slowly and and with no involvement from the authorities.
i would suggest that working for and with only yourself is a really bad idea with adhd (of course only my opinion), i am really good at writing very complex sql databases, yet on my best day (once a fortnight at best) i can just about bring myself to pay the adsl bill, working in a company means i don't have to. working for myself i found that 6 months in i had a massive pile of bills, a bunch of invoices for work i'd completed that i hadn't sent out and nothing lined up for the future. not througt lack of ability, skill or tenacity, simply because i found it tough to handle any of that stuff and i could write code, and coding made my head quiet. working for someone else, especially if (i'm pretty lucky here) they know of your 'failings' is a massive relief. i work stupidly long hours beacuse it works for me, but my boss pays me decent overtime for them. i'm supposed to timesheet my time for projects, but my boss gets a nice lady called carol, who also cleans the building, to organise my shit and bill things to right pace at the right time. theres a young girl called danielle who aside from opening post for our admin team, makes calls for me and then presents me with the person i should have called on the other line. so i just get on with it. work life is easy.
personal life is, however, hard.
don't loose sight of the reason you love him. for me my girlriends smile could make me function properly for a week. when we eventually broke up she told me that the only thing that stoppped us being together was the lies, she tried hard but eventually she had to protect herself and her child. i loved them both and i like to think that i brought some happiness and fun into their life but eventually it was too hard for her. when your best friend and confidant lies to to you consistently (and i'm really good at lying convincingly) eventually there are only 2 options. 1. leave and make a new life. and 2 confront him with a plea to be the man he could be. i was intelligent enought to take the second option but unfortunately we'd got to the point where she could not trust me to be honest. at one point i cloned her card and took us all to dinner ,then sold my tv and computer to cover the bill and rewrote the url for her online banking so it would show a fake page with no transactions, i got away with that but she caught me twice using her card at tesco to buy shopping and then slipping the card back in her purse.
the first time she let it slide, especially as i put money back into her account. the second time it was new years eve and once the kids went out to watch the fireworks with our neighbours she confronted me.
even caught, one bit of honesty would have resulted in her helping me and continuing to love me. unfortunately i shouted at her and went to tesco for the shopping to prove a point.
she also decided to prove a point and confirmed her card was stolen/cloned in the meantime so that when i used to the cash machine i was in the full glare of 2 tescos security guard and a policeman. i was way out of my depth as i don't generally break the law so a trip to the policestation in the van scared the shit of me. that said, the really scary thing was she picked me up from the police station and dropped the charges for me to leave.
i knew she knew and she knew i needed help but i still insisted that it was all a mistake and she was fine. i made us drive to 3 different cash machines where my various credit cards got swallowed and the kids got more and more cranky cos they where no longer enjoying the new year and eventually she asked me to drive to my mums.
my mum is now used to me as is my dad and they played happy with the kids while my best friend in the whole world took me to one side and asked me to be honest with her.
even with the overwhelming evidence,
the police ( which turned out to be 2 cctv cameras)
and my mum, who can tell when i'm lying with the skill of an exorcet missile.
i denied everything, left them there and drove to a random pub, at which point i proceded to get blind drunk.
i rung my dad and 'confessed' all of this at about 4 in the morning.
despite all of the disaster i caused, she came out with my dad (i'd found a pub probably 15 miles from home) told me she loved me and that we would work it out.
unfortunately in the cold light of day, 2 children and a what was a complicated life enough plus a conversation with my parents who have over the years taken more than enough shit left her in the position that whether or not she she loved me (and as i lie at every turn, even its for others good) she couldn't continue to be my partner. i spoke to her once more a couple of months later when we talked about how even just a little truth would have made it all different followed by a conversation nearly a year later when i was doing better where she asked me to stop calling. her brother,a scary bastard with a history of both schizophrenia and gbh then rung me to say i should, if i knew what was best and certainly if i cared at all, stay away. it wasn't even meant to be threatening as he's quite capable of that without the chat but more of a plea to let he sister get on with life.
thats the last time i had any part in the lives of 3 people who respected me and loved me and called me dad. they weren't my blood just as she wan't my wife but i had an opportunity to make all of our lives better, and honestly believe that i would have had something to offer, but i'd burnt too many bridges and ultimately done more harm than good.
the moral of the story, and i apologise for the somewhat long and windy road is that you shold never let the disorder that affects us be an excuse. i did, both subconciousy and directly and i lost the closest thing i have ever had to love and respect in the process.
if you leave it too late and ignore it it will only get more and more complicated.
you have problems and so does he. make sure you work them out together. never lie, however hurtfull or hard it may seem and for all your various failings remember that you love him enough to be here now asking the opinions and support of strangers. don't let that love go, don't drift apart. don't end up hating. talk it though, however painful, you have love for each other and theres always a way as long as you talk.
best of luck,
steve.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2009 15:03:19 GMT
The personal stories that come out on this forum never cease to amaze me. I've told mine somewhere else and I'm not going to repeat it here - far too painful. But it was a joy to get it off my chest and a surprise to find so many people who both appreciated and had similar stories (and an occaisional destructive arse too : I hope everyone else gets the same out of it as me (apart from the complete arse )
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Post by andy12345 on Nov 5, 2009 0:21:20 GMT
Steve,
Even typing all of that on an anonymous forum must have been very difficult, so well done for your effort and showing that you acknowledge your own multiple failings.
Some people would just deny all until the end of the universe.
Obviously, the ADHD plays a massive part in the issues, so are you medicated now?
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