Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2009 15:58:22 GMT
Has anyone noticed since diagnosis and medication that they handle stress far worse than before? I always used to handle stress by I s'pose comatrmentalising it and choosing to 'forget' bad stuff, now I have an amazing ability to prioritise meaning I cannot actually 'forget' bad stuff only focus on it to the point Im in bits almost every day.
At the moment I'm so focused on my unborn grand daughters future I am unable to focus on anything else meaning the fantastic new routine i gotten into has fallen by the wayside, I don't know wat to do, i spoke to a solicitor who said I have to go along with social services, they have a job to do and its nothin to do wiv me, blah, blah, blah and it i spose it makes sense but at the same time I have to support my son and feel really low and can't seem to get it together.
Cleaning seems depressing and totally pointless, because Im so stressed i jus want to not think about this for maybe half an hour but Im unable to I can feel my heart rate soaring at the injustice of social services decisions over my head, deciding my role in my granddaughters life ( I can only see her at a contact centre) wivout informing me and am so angry i cud burst but at the same time i wish it wud all go away and i cud get back to the mundaneness of ordinary existence, then feel guilty for almost wishin my granddaughter out of existence.
I feel like crying but cant theres jus this pain in my solar plexus all the time, an aching for the normality i know we may never have and all the time im reminding myself 'how well im doin and i shud only judge myself by my own standards no one elses, im really gettin on top of it all', but i dont believe myself, then i get the ache and am reminded of wat we cud lose, why does it hurt so much?
Im trying to say the right things all the time becoz its too important to not, and its hard, SO hard, why is it SO HARD? I'm over whelmed and feel like its all on my head, I'm so frightened for my son, if they decide his little girl is to be put in care as an ADHD sufferer himself, i fear it cud be too much for him at the same time if they asked for me to step in as a parent for the child id have to decline and hed never forgive me, but I'm tired of jumping through hoops for social services, i dont even know if this post is making sense becoz none of it makes sense to me and i cant cope with it all, but dont want my failings to send my granddaughter into the care system At the same time I cannot express my fears to my son or his 15 year old girlfriend as they are as frightened as myself if not more.
Actually i dont know wat anyone cud advise or do to make this better i guess im just ventin i jus am sick to death for thinkin on it all the time and wish it wud go away, but i have to face it, i have to remember meetings and appointments concerning it and on top of that remember meetings and appointments concerning my own children and social services treat me like shit, patronising and damn right rude, we have no right to reply and the feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming, its clear we are treated a certain way becoz of our 'class' A class Ive obtained through a disability I neither asked for neither cud hel, and im sick of feeling like having to explain my existance!
At the same time I have to write this, since medication my life has improved 100 %, up until this point i was considering college to study (get this) social work, I am on 5 mg of equasym twice a dayand feel the dosage may need to be upped as Im feeling less in control than i was wen meds started and more prone to procrastination I have apointment in that regard on 30th, I dont know wat to do at the moment thou, everything wud possably be fine if i cud trust myself to shut the f*** up most the time
but its always there, in my mind and IM goin nutso, talkin doesnt seem to help and my focus on it increases if I actually do keep quiet
At the moment I'm so focused on my unborn grand daughters future I am unable to focus on anything else meaning the fantastic new routine i gotten into has fallen by the wayside, I don't know wat to do, i spoke to a solicitor who said I have to go along with social services, they have a job to do and its nothin to do wiv me, blah, blah, blah and it i spose it makes sense but at the same time I have to support my son and feel really low and can't seem to get it together.
Cleaning seems depressing and totally pointless, because Im so stressed i jus want to not think about this for maybe half an hour but Im unable to I can feel my heart rate soaring at the injustice of social services decisions over my head, deciding my role in my granddaughters life ( I can only see her at a contact centre) wivout informing me and am so angry i cud burst but at the same time i wish it wud all go away and i cud get back to the mundaneness of ordinary existence, then feel guilty for almost wishin my granddaughter out of existence.
I feel like crying but cant theres jus this pain in my solar plexus all the time, an aching for the normality i know we may never have and all the time im reminding myself 'how well im doin and i shud only judge myself by my own standards no one elses, im really gettin on top of it all', but i dont believe myself, then i get the ache and am reminded of wat we cud lose, why does it hurt so much?
Im trying to say the right things all the time becoz its too important to not, and its hard, SO hard, why is it SO HARD? I'm over whelmed and feel like its all on my head, I'm so frightened for my son, if they decide his little girl is to be put in care as an ADHD sufferer himself, i fear it cud be too much for him at the same time if they asked for me to step in as a parent for the child id have to decline and hed never forgive me, but I'm tired of jumping through hoops for social services, i dont even know if this post is making sense becoz none of it makes sense to me and i cant cope with it all, but dont want my failings to send my granddaughter into the care system At the same time I cannot express my fears to my son or his 15 year old girlfriend as they are as frightened as myself if not more.
Actually i dont know wat anyone cud advise or do to make this better i guess im just ventin i jus am sick to death for thinkin on it all the time and wish it wud go away, but i have to face it, i have to remember meetings and appointments concerning it and on top of that remember meetings and appointments concerning my own children and social services treat me like shit, patronising and damn right rude, we have no right to reply and the feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming, its clear we are treated a certain way becoz of our 'class' A class Ive obtained through a disability I neither asked for neither cud hel, and im sick of feeling like having to explain my existance!
At the same time I have to write this, since medication my life has improved 100 %, up until this point i was considering college to study (get this) social work, I am on 5 mg of equasym twice a dayand feel the dosage may need to be upped as Im feeling less in control than i was wen meds started and more prone to procrastination I have apointment in that regard on 30th, I dont know wat to do at the moment thou, everything wud possably be fine if i cud trust myself to shut the f*** up most the time
but its always there, in my mind and IM goin nutso, talkin doesnt seem to help and my focus on it increases if I actually do keep quiet