jeff
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 148
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Post by jeff on Aug 23, 2009 23:31:36 GMT
Really starting to realise just how awkward I can be. It's so frustrating.
It's not like I get anxiety when I'm in a crowd or with lots of people, and when I'm with people that I know well I'm fine. But when I'm talking to people I don't know all that well, I just literally freeze. It's not that I feel threatened or intimidated, because I don't, but the instant I'm there all I'm thinking is "oh god, oh god" worrying that I'm not going to be able to think of anything to say, and with a huge forced grin on my face.
I think people actually get quite annoyed at me for it.
What can I do about this? Can you have therapy for this sort of thing?
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 24, 2009 2:49:57 GMT
Oh yeah! Well, you don't have anxiety in crowds, lucky you! I am usually so damn formal and would never relax. 'Tis not possible. I wonder if I will ever manage to conquer some social situations OR if I even care enough anyway. I don't smile much. When I think I am, it's usually a passable attempt at neutrality. How much of a block has this put on your social life? It is important to remember that this is a state of mind and no matter how much you hate it, it is not your fault, even if your forced smile dazzles people in the sunlight.
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djaa1978
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Post by djaa1978 on Aug 24, 2009 6:24:46 GMT
You possibly might have a mild form of Social Anxiety. I can more or less function in society but I do get my own weird social awkwardness in different ways. If you want to know more about social anxiety check this out. www.social-anxiety.org.uk/I have also done a video blog on a you tube
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 24, 2009 10:14:25 GMT
Oh yes, I have been through all of that anxiety stuff. I am still trying to seperate what is one thing and what is another.
I watched your vid. You are brave or mad lol, and I think or edge towards the former. Well done. You have still done far more than I have in life, which does not say much for me. I must admit that when I started realising how many people had issues in this world, I sort of adjusted my outlook and rank in this world positively lol. Does that make sense that understanding the reality is a good step to readjusting oneself?
I worked in a petrol station for 13 years as till operator, tanker receiver etc and a few other dogsbody duties, cash counting etc.
Hugs and social cues hmmmm. You must be batty lol. OOOooooooooooooooooh, I can really associate with what you say. Those 8m 17s went so quickly..
Give me a comfort zone yay! and I will still be there 5 hours later.
My particular example is the One nightclub/pub visit at age 30 where I went with friends (well, perhaps "well developed acquaintances" as I am not sure if I actually ever get the true bond feeling that one should obtain with a good friend. Anyway, needless to say, I just stayed by a pillar. I was with 2 martial arts people and 5 other people so I knew it would be very safe.
However, I would never go to a nightclub again as I see the potential for danger is really too high and for me it's just pointless as I don't really like music, I don't drink and I don't like the general attitude of these places.
To cap all that s£$t off, I witnessed two incidents. Imagine the panic of fighting in a nightclub, all those bodies moving, can't hear s£$t, so it's like a form of sound deprivation. It is quite maddening to note that in that place, there could have been 10 fights, no more than 10 feet away on, say another side of a barrier and no one except those watching, involved would know about it... It's ridiculous in my opinion. This fight broke out near our midst and fortunately the two ninja's lol pushed the people apart. It was at that time I realised that unless you are prepared to find out, at some point, that a friend of yours, or someone else' or oneself, that a glassing is not very nice, then you had better stay out.
I don't know about security procedures now, but if ever there was a need for an id tracking system , it is in those places, so that trouble makers are named, arrested, evaluated for alcoholism issues and giving subsequent treatment therapy before they either kill someone or themselves.
A bit dramatic yes, but that's me lol, ======over calculating.
To be honest, I don't particularly value myself, but to lose my life to some drunken scumbag, who does not even remember it the next day and GETS away with it, is truly a total and utter discraceful waste of life.
I served many drunkards during my 13 year job and I could tell that they had no idea what they got up to when they had the reached the mind blank point.
I have no respect for those people to be honest, whether or not you are reading this. Alcoholism should be treated as one of the primary problems in this world and I am not sure if they had any idea what 24 hour drinking in this country would do..
Only the emergency services and those affected by alcohol-fuelled incidents will know the score for sure.
Anyway, RANT OVER. Hope you did not fall asleep. I like to think of anxiety as perhaps a thought process that really is just over analysing things too much. Just looping again and again with no positive outcome, causing this constant second guessing and brain insanity syndrome. My cousin simply calls the blend of adhd/anxiety/phobia/off the cuff remarks, hyper sensitivity==== - brain screwup syndrome.... What can I say, it seems to fit me.
Well done for that vid and those body language signs speak volumes lol. :S
Have you had a full endocrine analysis by the way? I wonder if some issues of anxiety can be confused with hormonal issues. Of course, if you have adhd it would probably be all over the place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 24, 2009 11:28:33 GMT
jeff
im a bit like that somtimes more down to dont have any common interests and somtimes i just find them boring.
I think i need like high stimulating conversation and if i dont think anyones gona listen to my opinion just wont bother and just want to leave.
Does alchahol take the edge off for you some times works but bit of a rough method.
In my experience somtimes practice makes perfect maybee try to find group that you realy not bothered what they think and at ease to talk and then maybee progress.
This idea is from when i did tele sales after a few weeks i was much more fluent at chat and able to direct my agenda in coversation.
Supose you could even do this on the phone if it was a better option for you.
Andy
I used to go to club were guy had gone missing and turned up in canal i didnt know used to go in the dark corners with new uni freinds and have ago at locals for playing mind games on freinds. crazy
I avoid are high street its full of red necks never been their totaly sit go to town and then just go for food and a drink even then got to stay way from cheap ones as can get trouble but somtimes just ask to move tables in a calm manner.
i think what put me off was when going to well known bur flei club they said have you got any drugs as not bothered just looking for knives and i just thought i cant be bothered with this anymore.
You should value your life just think how dull this forum would be without Andy 12345 sorry dont know the rest. Goana get loads of people saying what do ya mean dull without andy cheeky £%$&^&.
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 24, 2009 12:37:51 GMT
Lol, I am humbled by your honest comments. I shall now contribute further to the forum by adding my immense knowledge of the other topics that I know about............ Patient, are you not? Well now, if you got this far you may have twigged that I don't really know anything else of use. Well, that's not true, but it would be off topic and my info has become obsolete sniff sniff.
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Post by laura on Aug 24, 2009 19:27:44 GMT
jeff ive had problems with social anxiety and when i found out about it (as i had been previously diagnosed with deppresion) i read as much as i could and that helped alot, i went on ebay and bought a couple of books. Overcoming social anxiety and shyness by gillian butler is a good one
brain freezes arghh!!! then you get so caught up about having nothing to say that you lose track of the conversation and it starts all over again, and silences i hate them i always feel like i need to fill them and get really uncomfortable
ive also been seeing a councellor and having CBT, and i am taking seroxat which does help a bit.
How do you find eating out/bowling/pubs ect? i dont really do any off them at the mo
i thought once id got the anxiety out of the way everything would fall into place but it didnt and then i found ad/hd
oh and i smile all the time, i think its mainly habit and people cant tell what your really feeling if you smile also people seem to warm to you a bit better.
ive now started to realise that if i get anxious with people its usually because i cant be myself with them, like i have to think really hard about what i want to say just so theyl like me but then i cant think of anything to say. so if i dont click with a person now i dont bother, ill be civilised and nice to them but... i cant remember what i was going to say now, im sure it was going somewhere! ;D
djaa1978 i watched your video your so brave, it was great, i really identified with alot of what you said its so helpful knowing others are experiencing similar things
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Post by magicnick1990 on Aug 27, 2009 10:15:51 GMT
Well I hear you.
I am less anxious but very awkward.
Again, with mates that I know well I'm ok, like everybody... Or they wouldn't be your mates lol.
I have very few mates now though and with one in particular... Known him for about seven years but a lot of the previous humour seems gone and it's very awkward trying to drum up conversation about nothing.
It all depends on the type of person I'm speaking to. I can be very good but yeah the biggest problem is thinking of what to say. My biggest issue I feel is too much self-awareness. Where as a lot of people will just say something if they think it's funny... Which I used to... I usually won't anymore because I just think "What if I say this and nobody laughs... I'll look like a twat". But then whenever I do people do laugh and I know I'm funny, it's just... Low self-confidence.
It's just the constant feeling of looking like a prat. Everyone has it but it's heightened in more intelligent people usually due to more self-awareness. Not all as I have met intelligent people who don't seem to realize they are cocks. But I am so internally aware of every thought that I may think of something and decide it sounds too much like I'm trying to sound cool or cocky and it'll make me cringe so I won't say it.
Your mind going blank is very strange though. Always happens to me with the vast majority of people. I think it's them not us lol. Because last year I met an interesting guy and coversation flowed like water. He was interesting and I'm interesting and right from the get-go we'd stay up all night debating and having 8 hour conversations and never run out of things to say. Conversations got better and more rich and more interesting.
And I'm not posh or snobby, neither was he, it's just all to do with intelligence and how high you can take the conversation. And what's good with a relationship like that is you can just talk forever about anything, bring up anything and take it to a deeper level. Then if you get bored of that you can wind down and talk crap.
But with most people this is reversed. It's a struggle to get most people to talk on an interesting or deep or revealing level in any sense. Most people actually enjoy mindless bollox. And by that I don't mean silly subjects I mean... Completely generic chat you'd have with a stranger like the football league scores, "what you've been upto" and "the wife". FUCKING YAWN.
Lmao me and my mate actually do this thing like roleplay taking the piss out of people like that like
"DOWN THE FUCKING PUB AGAIN, AVIN' A PINT WITH THE LADS. I FUCKING HATE THE WIFE BUT AM STILLL GONNA GO BACK TO HER TONIGHT N PUT UP WITH THE BLA BLA BLA... FUUUCKING NAG IS ALL SHE DOES.
I WORK ALL WEEK AND GO HOMME TO THAT, THE FUCCKIIING WIFE, FIFFTEEEN FUCCCKING YEARS"
lmao just like groundhog day. Like imagine all that in a really strong exaggerated Welsh, like a miner. It's just hilarious people like that. They're robots and they don't know it. They go in circles, say the same things, complain about the same things and never change anything.
Oops, rambling again. I meant to post a small reply but the cogs in my head wouldn't stop turning, another 15 page reply I think.
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 27, 2009 17:27:32 GMT
Dr Nick and Mr John, You have 2 names, is this 2 reflect a jekyll and hyde dualism? I agree that sometimes you have to chat with people of your own intellectual level. Sometimes though, intelligence really does seem to get in the way of doing things. It does seem that a lot of people manage to change themselves even though they are always going on about their probs. I was mostly the same until last year when I realised I was a right weirdo lol. I reckon I should be almost "normal" in about 10 years. I have done the long conversation bouts as well. Sometimes, though, they really do have a pointless outcome and I wonder why I even bothered, don't you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2009 18:57:49 GMT
I have just read all this and thinking out loud as we and i always do as i am spontanous MF. One thing i read about ADHD is if your not appreciated in a group or setting then leave it and go and find one you are. I say this as at the mo im in a rite rut but in the past i have been top dog Mr pop just think it depends if you are round like minded people who appreciate you. I think youve got to be selfish and do what works for you and find your nich off train spotting PVC wearing sushi eating freinds or whatever so there you go. Go forth be happy and if they dont agree Fuck em they dont have to have F all to do with you and you will realy miss them boo who.
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Post by andy12345 on Sept 3, 2009 19:59:36 GMT
You giving me the eyeball, smiley?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2009 20:09:42 GMT
ye have you seen that add for driving whilst on drugs thats me nackered quiet amusing thoe
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Post by laura on Sept 3, 2009 20:09:45 GMT
that cow looks evil! ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 3, 2009 20:18:37 GMT
Cows are evil they have killed people they like ram raid you they were talking about on news other week and were saying it was down to dogs but its not always. farmers know how to handle them like very asertive push them away and give them a punch if they dont. Now you mention it does look a bit mooooooooooooody. I like thoes adds for the milk cant think of the name were there all dancing around. Anyway talk about changing the subject be happy find you niche.
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Post by laura on Sept 4, 2009 17:43:03 GMT
i know i heard about that too, the woman that was killed by cows, didnt they stamp on her head? i always manage to hear the weird and wonderful news but not the real life important stuff
i saw the drugs advert yesterday there eyes are freaky but i had to laugh ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 4, 2009 17:51:36 GMT
ye another one is the wasps they all start to sting now as there dying me little girl got stung today.
the only problem with this text talk is i always forget what am going to rite has anyone tried to talk and type think i might look into.
but that is as forgot to take meds again
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Post by andy12345 on Sept 5, 2009 2:36:06 GMT
Also, I think they consume fermented fruits that have fallen onto the ground. So, is there a fruity thingy near you or are they just getting a buzz out of attacking you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2009 16:13:20 GMT
no my lot away in wales didnt happen hear, but no, no fruit here
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Post by laura on Sept 5, 2009 18:14:46 GMT
for 4 years running i got stung by a wasp in september, it became a bit of a joke but literally every year for 4 years in september, when theyre just dying off and probably think, 'fuck it, its now or never!' ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2009 19:53:28 GMT
i've got a wasps nest outside my bedroom window!
-i've left the window open all day, and not even one of them came inside the house!
don't really like 'em being there!... but i've got no idea how to get rid of the little buggers!
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Post by andy12345 on Sept 5, 2009 21:37:33 GMT
Yeah, none of you have lived until you leave your window open all summer with a bedside lamp on.. This attracts, moths etc, but worse, wasps, especially if they have a nest in your attic.
So, I hate wasps, but I don't kill them, so I can't splat them.
Anyway, as I caught two and was about to put them back out (I had an incomplete (adhd style) netting over the window gap..another wasp came in and another.......Of course, by now it was 4 against me and I was sweating. I couldn't use nuclear weapons or anything so I had to catch each with a glass and bit of card then give them the size 0.00000000000001 boot to get rid of them.... OOOOOOOOOOhhhh, never again .This year, the mesh shields are at full strength..
Well matt, search engines are pretty good....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2009 22:04:24 GMT
The council take them but mine charge
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2009 22:32:39 GMT
Sorry to drag you back on topic. As much as I dislike wasps I've got to get this off my chest. I've always been something of a loner. Always known I don't fit in. Could never see the point of mundane, pointless conversation and people asking questions to which the answer serves as an opening for them tell you all about themselves and how good their life is. I had given up trying to understand. Everyone else was wierd and that was that. Thing is, I never understood people and I always gave a lousy first impression. I think I'm finally beginning to piece things together and understand why I am such a social numpty. First thing is that I have nothing in common with everyone else. I don't like football or any kind of sport and I have no general knowledge which makes conversation bloomin' tricky from the start. My amazing wit and comic comebacks have nipped out for a brew during conversation and I'm left completely speachless with only Mr. Lameanswer, Mr. Laughlikealoon and Madam Deafeningsilence left to bail me out. I missinterpret questions or don't understand them at all. I will say something stupid before the clever part of my brain (I use the word 'clever' loosely) has chance to review it and then gets its own back by endlessly reminding me for weeks and months (in some cases years) how much of an arse I came across to everyone (you'd think it has something better to do!). My mind goes blank, I forget what I was saying mid-conversation, I don't finish what I was saying and either go quiet or jump to another topic before realising (sometimes much later) that I never got to the point of the conversation...duh. I am impatient - I cut in ignorantly and want to get straight to the point. I take offence and get jealous very easily. I get hyper, too excitable and childish. I feel inferior to people who seem to have a handle on life. I jump to the wrong conclusions and throw all my energies at it. I am tormented even today by memories of my past - things I said, things I should have said, things I have done etc.. the instances of life that I should have and could have handled better if the clever bit of my brain had more of a say at the time. I never understood why I was. I realise now that I don't socialise at all because of self preservation. I hope to change/improve that with a little help if I ever get a piggin' diagnosis. Anyway, sorry for the drivel. Back to the wasps....
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Post by haydreamer on Sept 6, 2009 22:40:11 GMT
I used to splat spiders, this is cruel but I used to throw books at them, now, I have a nice remnder of spider splat on my ceiling, so when I lie in bed I stare up at a black streaky line of spider blood! yuk!! BTW, now i am 30 i don't do immature things like that now, just so some of u don't call the RSPCI- ROYAL SOCIETY PREVENTION CRUELTY TO INSECTS LOL!!!!
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Post by .... on Sept 7, 2009 0:35:01 GMT
I feel inferior to people who seem to have a handle on life..........I am tormented even today by memories of my past - things I said, things I should have said, things I have done etc.. quote] Ain't that the truth . I have some experience of feeling inferior to the organised tidy people who know what day it is. I know I'm different not inferior, tis harder to feel it than to say it tho. I have spells of deciding I'm going to step out of the comfort zone of the very rare chat in the school playground/occasional coffee morning. I decide I'll go out and practise socialising. Its novel in a painful kinda way and lasts for about five minutes lol. Theres hope tho..... occasionally I'll meet people, usually through a limited social circle, that I can have an intelligent conversation with and who can live with the occasional conversation stoppers that I don't realise I've said out loud. Sometimes I only open my mouth to change feet..... If I walk into a room and say 'who died and made you miserable' then someone did! The people that do manage to put up with me are the ones that are worth the effort at least. I have learned some tiny things lately.......... Decent sunglasses are manna from heaven ....... When I'm queuing somewhere and feel awkward its an idea to look around at other people - you'll realise they aint' always as confident/comfortable as you think! And if you're looking at them you A) realise they aren't looking at you and B) will find they don't look at you while you are looking at them Where conversations become awkward. Asking questions is a good way to go if you can think of an appropriate topic. It lets you control the conversation a little. If lucky you can steer along the lines of stuff you DO know, and you'll prob surprise yourself with what you do know! Most people do I think. Then again maybe no one ought take advice from me. I've been separated for nearly four years and am about to start the process of trading relationships with other beings for a bike licence ;D . For everyone who has the social thing nailed....... news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/8089498.stmDavid Blunkett attacked by cow? ??
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Post by laura on Sept 7, 2009 10:07:08 GMT
giddy you could have been writing that about me! and im sure alot of other people on here ;D
once in a blue moon when i do click with someone its great but when i dont the clever bit goes out the window, my conversations usually go like this
(actual convo) other person: talking about trip to argentina me: 'isnt argentina in spain?' (conversation stops or i get ignored or people laugh general knowledge is not a strong point of mine)
other person: hi how r u? me: im fine thanx. how r u? (didnt learn to ask people how they are themselves until 3 years ago, would have siad. im fine (end of convo) Madam Deafeningsilence me: r u going on holiday? do you like the weather? ( i can never think of any other q's!) other person answers Madam Deafeningsilence sit fiddling, daydreaming praying that someone will come and take the convo away from me
or i just talk and talk and talk and interupt, change the subject ect...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2009 14:15:07 GMT
i envy people who can have long ass conversations. to this day i have never had a proper conversation, i look at people and it just comes so easy for them. i know a guy who is quite as hell and i mean really quite but ask him about any subject and he will go on forever and im like if only i could talk half as well as you can. thing is i really want to talk and have a awsome convo about things i like such as games, movies, football, stuff in the news and music but when i open my mouth nothing i say makes sense mainly because i talk too fast and try and get everthing out in 5 seconds its like a steam train nothing can stop it.
and giddy i have something very similar to what you have, i am something to of a loner i dont have any friends and i've tried to understand why and come to the conclusion that i never contribute in social gatherings. i've lost good friends by making things awkward, these are the friends i've known for years.
what generally happens is im fine for the first 5 minutes but after that i space out and wont say a word for 20 minutes. first i thought i was just tired so i tried drinking more caffine/red bull taking mulitvitamins and getting more sleep. all the caffine/red bull did was make me think more and realized i sleep for 8-10 hours anyway so i shouldent be tired!
i dunno if im just socially inept or if i do indeed have adhd but even if i do have adhd will the medication help me?
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jeff
Member posts quite a bit
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Post by jeff on Sept 7, 2009 15:11:37 GMT
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2009 19:36:30 GMT
Wow! I kinda threw it out there not really expecting anyone to relate. Thanks guys Think I might get that book myself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2009 20:03:09 GMT
I suffered from social anxiety as a young child, but I was very lucky and managed to overcome it.
I am a trained actress (theatre) so that got rid of my fear of large crowds and being "on the spot"and I took years of martial arts training which helped me feel more secure.
I'm not suggesting everyone runs off to stage school, but I always found it easier to "act" like a socially confident person because of my training. I would suggest anyone who has social difficulties try a few acting techniques.
If I feel uncomfortable around people I try to mirror their actions and speach patterns. Not to the point where it's creepy, just things like using a similar tone of voice and speaking at the same speed and volume.
I also find it helpful to play a character when I meet someone for the first time. I don't mean that I'm not myself, I just put myself into the character of someone who is exactly like me, but without all the inappropriate comments and weird behavior!
I have a partner with Aspergers who sufers from very severe social phobia, so I have had to be the one to deal with people all through our relationship and these are the techniques I use.
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