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Post by boo on Aug 30, 2009 9:21:23 GMT
i have just dropped off my son to a skate park and on route picked up his new 'best friend'. i really feel for him sometimes cos he drifts in and out of groups of friends and never seems to really gel with any of them for any length of time. he is quite intense with friends and i think sometimes he seems to be too much so and then the friends kind of back off from him and so he jumps to the next and the next and the next, each one his new best friend for the moment. he is very insecure and tries really hard with friends but it just seems to have the opposite effect and i see the pattern over and over. im sorry i am just rambling here, on the one hand its good that he makes new friends easily but then they move on as quickly as they appear. he sort of has some friends that he goes back to and hangs out with but they exclude him and dont phone him when they do things as a group and stuff and it gets him down sometimes, then he'll latch on to a new friend for a bit. i asked why he thinks sometimes the 'group' dont include him and his reply was cos i'm stupid and annoy everyone, i know i do cos they tell me so. it breaks my heart sometimes.
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 30, 2009 9:40:47 GMT
Yeah, I remember my school "friends" except they were really only acquaintances and they never really liked me, I think. School is just too chaotic an event and something I would never ever want to have to go through again.. All you can really do is tell him that most of those people will never be true friends as at that age they are just likely to affiliate with whoever suits them best. They're own loyalties will change at the drop of a hat. Once the drugs are available, kiss them goodbye if, you do not partake. Schools' really do a poor job of showing kids how to treat each other respectfully. Oh, and those teachers also set a poor example of strength and respect. I went to a religious school (catholic) wow and I learned a few things about people there. Faith or otherwise, there are still plenty of scum who will no doubt use the faith as a shield of protection from the ignorant masses when they grow up. Firstly, some priests, unsurprisingly, need a £$£$£$£$ good kicking for sure. The film catholic boys really does spring to mind. Those perverse adults hiding behind their "faith" My incident was of this particular "man of the cloth" giving communion at assembly with all that turn and offer the other cheek and shaking hands with your neighbour baloney. I walked off without putting the bread into my mouth and he sort of pulled me back. My first instinct was like, wtf! Nowadays, I think I would probably like to check his house out for either child porn or torture equipment of some type as this man of the cloth was quite aggressive for a man of peace.......... I also remember the shout monster teachers who, when their lost their cool, and believe me, most of them did because they were a right bunch of unstable men who had mental issues for sure, would just shout as loud as they could . I remember this idiot who was a short, round, choirboy man thingy who started shouting at a pupil who was being a bit naughty in assembly. When I look back now I think he really needed a smack in the mouth and a lesson in how to teach respect for others' Then of course there was the ex army major who thought caning (not allowed in those days, much to his disappointment I expect) would be very appropriate hehehe. What a pathetic old bully hahahahaah. Anyway, that's my opinion lol. Until schools' operate in a totally different manner, they will be as crappy and intolerant as ever. I suppose these days you should teach courses in drug taking and knife fighting. Oh, and just to clarify my faith stance, I am agnostic because I see a large universe of incalculable possibilities. I also don't believe that anyone needs to go to "places of worship" to maintain their faith. Phew..
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Post by boo on Aug 30, 2009 10:36:00 GMT
so, fond memories of school then andy ....
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Post by laura on Aug 30, 2009 11:10:26 GMT
hi boo
that just sounds so familar for myself and son.
he likes to play with other children but sometimes acts silly and just gets bored really easily so he finds it hard to make strong connections because some children just dont know how to take him and he gets upset really easily also.
hes got 1 best friend but hes very attatched to him and copies everything he does, wants everything hes got and doesnt seem to be able to think for himself when hes with him. and sometimes i think his friend finds him too much. my son gets really upset when his best friend has been playing with others with or witiout him.
it makes me so sad when he comes home from school sad because he says hes lonely and has no friends. however his teacher says he seems to have jots of friends and plays with everyone but does get upset easily. hes generaly a cheerful happy boy, bit of a dreamer and very enthusiastic about some things ;D and only 5 so im hoping it will get better for him
i flitted between friendship groups at school never staying with a group for more than a few months. not because they didnt like me, i just didnt feel like i fit in anywhere and found it hard to keep in contact with people. i didnt really make any real friends until i was about 15 and then it was only 2 people which i am still friends with now and they love me for being me and still ring me even when i forget for weeks, i love them both ;D
ive had many people come in and out of my life the last 7 years or so but none have ever stayed like my two best friends.
i like the saying "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,"
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Post by .... on Aug 30, 2009 12:29:18 GMT
Make new friends but keep the old, One are silver one are gold.
I didn't make friends until I reached High school so I don't find it too odd that my little one doesn't mix entirely well with others. But once I moved into High school and college I realised that though I didn't 'fit in properly' with any of the circles I moved in, I moved in more of them than most. And though its painful that I've never fit into one or the other of the bubbles its been an amazing experience to be at the place they all meet!
I do still worry about my youngest daughter tho. I don't mind that she doesn't make long standing friendships. But she has been known to be sat on the sofa beside her elder sister quietly before suddenly punching her in the head or biting her quite hard. I watch in disbelief. And then ask what the 'eck that was in aid of? and she'll be all sheepish and sorry and explain she just wanted to get her sis's attention. Or you'll say why the hell did you bite your sister? And she'll reply because I love her and then become terribly upset because she knew she'd done wrong. It was worst during a spell of the teachers manhandling her quite badly and the only thing I could think was because people were communicating with her physically rather than verbally that it'd set a pattern.
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 30, 2009 13:18:11 GMT
Oh, teachers manhandling eh? Another trait of the education system.
It's not all bad, but it's always a small percentage that really gets away with bad things that makes a much bigger impact than those who don't harm anyone. Typical.
Punching someone in the side of the head?! Biting!?! argh.
I bet your jaw just dropped when that first happened?
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Post by .... on Aug 30, 2009 18:22:30 GMT
Its a little bit difficult. Means I have to dole out punishment when she was trying to communicate something nice, just in the wrong way.
In contrast it is very upsetting when her daybook comes home saying she's kicked someone at school outta temper. Last term she smacked a girl in the face and its such inacceptable behaviour, and when I found out why she did it it made me really worry she'd never have any friends........
Bear in mind the little terror can't put things to the back of her mind - if someone speaks to her in class she CAN'T help replying, and isn't capable of waiting until the teacher isn't looking. ' Sat in the school hall. Next to a girl she'd seen in the park over the weekend. The girl says I'm going to the park today'. Daughter says 'so am I, but stop talkin we'll get told off'. Little girl says 'shall we get our mums to take us at the same time'. My daughter says ' sure, stop talking to me tho'. Other girl says 'we can get ice cream from the van there if you're allowed'. My daughter says ' STOP talking to me, but okay sure'. The other girl says 'Cool, I really like us being frien..' BANG. My little one has smacked the poor kid in the face! She's noticed the teacher watching, Knows she won't be able to stop herself from replying and therefore getting detention or the like - loses patience and gets told off anyway; for hitting a kid who thought she was brilliant two seconds beforehand.
The little girl was fine, and wasn't badly hurt by the incident thank god. But I expect she was a little confused by the whole thing. Odd thing... she still quite likes to hang out with my daughter when we're in the park.
So I'm guessing that things might work out okay for all our kids in the end, like the rest of us - we all end up surrounded by people who can live with the worst parts of us rather than those attracted to the best parts of us.
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 30, 2009 19:02:20 GMT
Chrysalis!!!!!!!!
Your daughter's behaviour is scaring me to death! She is so precise during a conversation...... Knows what she should be doing, knows what is going wrong and then urgh smack!?!?!?!!?!?! I have not read anything like this before.
What are her official diagnoses?
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Post by boo on Aug 30, 2009 19:54:02 GMT
i like the saying "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime," laura, i like this saying i have never heard it before. i just typed up a long reply to this managed to lose the lot i will re-reply but i need to go and have a 'garden break' first.
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Post by .... on Aug 30, 2009 20:22:00 GMT
Don't worry Andy lashing out at others in school is a fairly rare thing for her, and I tend to come down fairly hard on her about it (alongside teaching her ways to control her temper).
The things everyone else has said about their little ones making and keeping friends are reassuringly similar, if heartbreaking. She hates that she can't always control her impulses and now she is older she knows what some of her triggers are and they make her cross, hence the previous incident. The really sad thing is that she usually turns upset inwards as opposed to lashing out, and the lack of secure friendships then really lowers her self-esteem.
[In answer to official diagnoses....... Her school wrote to our GP when she was 6 or 7 requesting referral to investigate potential ADHD. We thought taking her to the paediatrician was a complete waste of time and were astonished when she was Dx Combined type ADHD. But we didn't know much about it at that time, now it makes a lot of sense. During the usual arguments with school this year the new SENCO raised concerns about some tests she'd done and they've started implying she ought be investigated to rule out APD and ASD. The paediatrician is waiting untill the Speech and Language therapist completes a full assessment nxt mnth.]
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 30, 2009 22:11:54 GMT
Those co-morbids make sense... and time will tell.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,
You seem to have 735 posts............. (faints)
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Post by boo on Aug 31, 2009 17:56:55 GMT
i think its hard seeing my son going through it, cos i was exactly the same at his age, and never did master the art of friendships i just hope he can boldly go where no boo has gone before him ps, dunno what youre talkin bout andy
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Post by andy12345 on Aug 31, 2009 19:20:37 GMT
When I posted, your thingy on the left side showed 6 stars, senior god with 735 posts. That's why I posted..........
Now, it's gone.........................
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Post by laura on Aug 31, 2009 21:42:46 GMT
i hope my son can too, we seem to understand each other really well although when he gets to a teenager ill have no clue ive never been a teenage boy! hopefully he'll be able to get the help i didnt. so finding this will hopefully be breaking the cycle, or creating a more informed cycle
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