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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2009 19:13:09 GMT
Today, for the second time in a few weeks, I walked out of work. By that I mean I just went to the kitchen, picked up my things, grabbed my bike, and left. I work in a shop and there were 5 other people in today. It's fairly likely they noticed.
What caused it, I hear no-one ask? What immediately preceded it was someone asking, in a pretty insistent but not unreasonable manner, if I'd go and do some work. Justified in my actions? No.
I'm now at home while my two babies, for which I no longer provide anything, sleep upstairs, and my girlfriend is on the phone to my mother who asks why I don't just start thinking of someone other than myself. Good question, perhaps, although it's also a very fucking annoying one. I rang her myself about half an hour ago and she speculated that I might like to try a little harder, like everyone else has to. I think I already try pretty fucking hard. I try hard to pluck up the enthusiasm to go to work, and not stand around with a face of thunder, to get any task done without just standing looking at a pretty elementary job as something insurmountably difficult. I try hard not to give in to my overwhelming lack of physical and mental energy. Try hard not to respond to everything like a petulant child. Sometimes I don't manage it.
I've got an appointment at a mental hospital in Hammersmith on Friday. I'm only half expecting it to be of any use.
I'm fucked, everything's fucked. I fucked it.
Apologies for the language, but I'm to childish to express myself otherwise.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2009 19:14:23 GMT
Too childish. I mean 'too childish'. Fucking idiot.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2009 19:41:17 GMT
You sound just like me I am trying to find stuff outside work to make up for boring jobs have you tried anything like this. I am also trying to do some basic training voluntary work to eventually get into something that interests me. You sound really razzed off as I often do hope things pick up for you.
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Post by annie on Sept 15, 2009 20:00:35 GMT
Hi troubleinparadise
Would be good to have the paradise but less of the trouble!!
First of all today was a bad day but don't beat yourself up about it- easier said than done I know, but you know you are doing your best - if it doesn't work out and come together, you can only say you did your best.
You've got an appointment coming up at the Hammersmith Hospital, so make that your focus. You want to go to that appointment with clear ideas about what you want in terms of outcomes. If I read you right you believe there is an explanation to your difficulties i.e. undx Adhd. To get the best outcome you have to prepare yourself for this appointment. There are some things you need to do, like filling in the Adult Adhd checklist, getting down on paper your difficulties from way back - what was school like, what's your employment history. All of this your psychiatrist needs to be able to thoroughly assess you - if he doesn't want to know this then perhaps he is not someone who has the skills to assess Adhd.
Roland has a very good checklist about what to take to your 1st appointment and I'm sure someone will be able to point you where it is on the forum.
I think you are on the first step to getting yourself the help you're entitled to but you may have a battle ahead. The people on this forum are in a similar position - some have battled their way through, others are still in the battle - but all of them are more than happy to put their pennyworth in if it helps you get to where you want to be - an explanation of why those everyday things are so difficult!
Keep us posted and most of all don't give up - you owe it to yourself and the rest of your family.
annie
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2009 22:50:31 GMT
Couldnt agree more with annie. Been there and did that lots of times t'in'p, and never seem to learn from it either. Recently though since Ive started exploring what the Hell is wrong with me I have started to improve things in all areas of my life. Dig in there just now mate. Go back to work and explain that you were having a real bad moment and didnt want to cause a scene. Then get to the appointment. One step at a time mate.
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Post by boo on Sept 15, 2009 23:24:03 GMT
hey TiP, sorry to hear youve had such a hard day today. i think its safe to say, we have all had days where we just wanna hit the rewind button, so your not on your own. oh yeah, and in my book a fucking idiot is not someone who f* up (cos we all do that), but the one who f* up and really just doesnt give a shit! (and you dont qualify there i have done the petulant child, i am still the petulant child some days, but its being able to recognise that and act on it that makes the difference and allows us to move forwards. annies advice is spot on, you need to gather together what you need ready for fridays appointment. make it clear that you need some help and support and want to make things better, for you and for your family. most of all good luck, let us know how you get on. and i agree with madscot, couldnt have put it better sending lots of luck and good wishes boo
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2009 4:33:03 GMT
i feel like doing this all the time and everytime something bad happens its get nearer to me actually screaming at my work mates/managers and storming out. i actually walked out of class because everyone around me was having a conversation and i was just sitting there this has happened to me too many times so i just walked out and i never do things like that.
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Post by roland on Sept 16, 2009 8:04:00 GMT
Hi troubleinparadise, Welcome to the forum and, tinp, I've been there and done just the same. With me it was a steady and quiet building up of frustration until a crisis point was reached when my boss made a perfectly reasonable request (from a retrospective perspective), and I downed tools and stomped off home. Actually I've done it more than once in the past Anyway, I'm only saying that to let you know that you are not alone, and that you are probably, all the time, being far too hard on yourself. And as Annie said here is a link to information about what you need to do to get ready for your appointment (I'm assuming that you're trying to get an assessment for ADHD): www.aadd.org.uk/faqs.htmlWhile the FAQ says GP, the information it contains is also relevant for any mental health professional. Good luck, troubleinparadise, and please let us know if you need any other information and keep us updated
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2009 14:06:42 GMT
I feel for you I walked out when I had apanic attack, three months ago from the second best job i ever had then had to fight my way back in using the fact i had anxiety and dyspraxia which was my diagnosis at time.
Then got hauled over the coals cause i never disclosed it
Been off sick since they are frigthned to tough me in case i sue for disability discrimination. They said they will give me one more chance when i return the middle of october, so hipfully concerta will have kicked in then and ill come to turns with it all and get a grip.
I too feel as though ive screwed things up all mky life am im a failure, but like you cant help it
You will get the diagnosis you need hang on in their, and hopfully things will sort them selves out dont listen to family they have no idea what its like for you dont let them get you worked up, they dont understand
Good luck with Friday Vicky
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2009 17:29:54 GMT
I've walked out of jobs too!.. i would tell you how many i've walked out of, but even on this forum, i'm actually too embarrased to say!... -I don't have kids, but i did let other people down, like the colleagues that were depending on me, and most importantly, the girl i was in love with. (i think if i'd found out about ADHD one year earlier, maybe we'd still be together now!) Anyway, it's 100% not you being selfish, maybe it's being impulsive, being frustrated, having a low self-esteem, and many other things too! but not selfishness! So just to annoy you, here's a cheesy American quote from General Colin Powell; "None of us can change our yesterdays, but all of us can change our tomorrows..." -Makes you feel sick doesn't it, but it's actually quite true! ;D -matt
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2009 18:58:18 GMT
I like that Matt, more eloquently put that my version ;D
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Post by laura on Sept 17, 2009 11:34:19 GMT
sorry to hear your having trouble, i can soo relate to it, i walked out of one job a few years ago cant remember why now but i think it was because i was soooo bored and got the usual your selfish, everybody else manages.. blah blah blah from family. my last job i walked out twice, once when i was told id have to multitask! not an unreasonable request but it just tipped me over the edge i stared crying and left, after explaining my difficulties my manager was ok with me. the 2nd time i walked out was on my second to last day, and i went and told my mamager i was bored and had lost all my JJB enthusiasm ( i dont think i had any to begin with) so i wouldnt be coming back. sometimes honesty is not the best policy, but it just comes out! and again got the same crap from family and friends about never sticking with anything blah blah blah (i just switch off now and imagine theyre say blah blah ect and it helps) i agree with everyone dont give up! you can do it, im seeking dx and its seems so hard but i know itl be worth it in the end i hope todays better for you
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2009 10:23:49 GMT
Yo there. For those that are interested, which my wayward sense of perspective anticipates to be both everybody and nobody at all, here is an update.
Firstly, a big thank you for your responses. It's very reassuring to hear that others have felt or done the same.
I'd actually walked out of the same job a few weeks previously, but I got cold feet and they were open to my returning. Second time, perhaps obviously, it was a little more permanent. And I've done it before - in fact to a greater or lesser extent it's kind of how I've left every job, band, group, any kind of assemblance or frequenting I've been involved in.
Anyway, as I said, this is an update, for all my avid readers, of which there are many and, simultaneously, none.
So, I had my appointment at the Claybrook Centre (at the back of Charing Cross Hospital which, naturally, is in Hammersmith. Hammersmith Hospital is, as you'd expect, between Kensal and Acton). After a succession of fairly irritating questions (whether they irritating because they were pointless or because I'm irritable, perhaps we'll never know), and some perusing over the notion of wasted time, we reached a moderately satisfying denouement where the promising spectre of an appointment at the Maudsley (the great illustrious Maudsley) and discussion of drugs ensued.
Selfishly, the doctor (nurse/counsellor/therapist/?) is away this week. Next week, I imagine as a priority for her, we resume events.
In the meantime, posthumously re my job, after I left I texted my manager and my regional manager. I may have mentioned before that I had heard nothing from them. I still haven't. And until I rang head office yesterday, I had heard nothing at all from anybody in the company at all. I wondered, witheringly, if perhaps they hadn't noticed I'd left? Having spoken to the head of HR, I now know that they have noticed, and they believe that I owe them some money. They may rifle my pockets if they wish, they will find nothing there.
I texted (my favoured method of convenient but confrontation avoiding communication) somebody I used to work with, and got a reply late last night, in which he announced that he was as drunk as a shark, notoriously inebriated beasts that they are. He also informed me that everyone one was sworn to silence, and that the manager had advised that it was a legal matter, and that they doing it by the book. By 'it', they mean me. This left me in a flumox of rejection and neediness, manifested in some ways as anger, short temperedness, and a desire to drink everything. Merrily, I didn't do that, preffering instead to do some washing up (guilt provoked) and play the mafia game on facebook (addictive timewasting).
God I go on. Enough for now. Hope you're all well.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2009 13:53:35 GMT
and they believe that I owe them some money LMFAO, I remember some company trying to do this to me, claiming they spent money on my training. Mwuhahaha. What is that all about? Tell them where to go mate.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2009 16:52:30 GMT
Hi `trouble`d in paradise :-), I`m new around here, but like many others I too walked out on jobs... For example I lived in Suffolk, and was working away in Winchester many moons ago... I had worked all day, and had a disagreement with a t*wat` I had to work with....I left a nightclub in a huff, got my sh*t from the digs, and due to having no money yet, (first week) I hitch-hiked home!! Took 13 hours, I dozed in peoples cars on the way, and the blisters caused me not to walk for a further 2 weeks!! I want to ask you a simple question....... HOW did they ask you to do some work? ?? I have an Intollerance for being Told what to do, and only really respond to `would you....`, `do you mind doing...`, Can you....` IT MAKES A DIFFERENCE to me....... hope this is of a little help, or at least is supportive... See my thread titled `at my wits end`.... If you really down, google a poem called the DESIDERATA... It may make you feel a little better, Its my `code` to life... Peace man, 6GhzBrain
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Post by Mouse on Sept 27, 2009 19:02:51 GMT
Oh well... at least you remembered to take all your stuff with you. I walked out of one job but had to go back because I forgot my purse... no-one had even noticed I'd gone in the meantime.. so I sat bck down at my desk..
I think those jobs where you are so fucking bored that you want to scream and the slightest wrong look or wrong word can send you off on one.. means that they definitely aint the job for you. I know that every job where I have felt like this has been pre-diagnosis - once I knew I had ADHD I was able to s top making the same mistakes.
I think a lot of adders find the wrong job v stressful and wrongly believe that doing a boring or simple job will fit the bill, remove the stress, pay a bit of money, etc etc, but what actually happens is that t hose jobs are not fulfilling. And not just not fulfilling, they are not fulfilling i mega way and so are more stressful than the jobs we thought were stressfull before we blew our tops.
I used to think that a simple job would be the job of my dreams and solve my problems - getting dx and meds is the way forward.
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Post by laura on Sept 27, 2009 20:53:45 GMT
lmao ;D so did you just stay at the job? and thats so true about boring jobs, you give me hope tho that it wont always have to be like this
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2009 12:22:27 GMT
well said mouse! ;D
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