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Post by boo on Oct 25, 2009 18:24:18 GMT
heya, as someone who has ummmmm well, pretty much no social life, i cant really help. i tend to make stupid excuses on the rare occasions that they come my way, even though i would love to be more socially active, what gives there?
haydreamer, is there anyway you can un-cancel?
or are you definitely in a not going frame of mind. was it just the dread of it, or have you mentally talked yourself out of it completely?
oh and ps. whether you un-cancel or not, you are not a pathetic no hoper, its hard getting out there when you feel like that. i dont think people realise just how hard sometimes.
big hugs from me, you'll get there, maybe not tonight if its not to be, but never say never girl xxxx
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 25, 2009 18:48:23 GMT
Chrysallis, if your friend is not in a stable job on his own, I don't think he has much chance of changing and can you imagine the impact of dependents to look after!!!!!?!?!!?!?!?!?!? Haydreamer, Hey you can't be the waffling monster. That's my job. If you want to argue, just look at my post count...... Your life sounds strikingly familiar. I bet it does to a lot of other people, from this site or othewise, as well.
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Post by haydreamer on Oct 25, 2009 19:42:25 GMT
Big hugs Boo and Andy, (if u like hugs that is!) ;D I know Boo im not a no hoper ect,(maybe a little! ) just sometimes, life is so complex sometimes, it often feels like things are uncontrollable, well, not going, not in frame of mind,rather than mentally talking myself out of it) But, have to give myself credit, have a social outgoing nature normally, just a blip!! have done a similar before-so I know I CAN do these things!! ah well, I will be hanging on to those friends who know me the best well, enjoy your eve, have a date with X factor and georgeous Simon Cowell, (NOT)!! Andy, i surrender- u win the waffle monster award, congrats! ;D I'll find another job, the occasional rant monster?? yes, I find your life scarily similar, xxxxx chao 4 now!!
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 25, 2009 20:04:50 GMT
I'll tell you if I like hugs if I ever get one. Maybe I should take up wrestling?
It's all a state of mind, remember that! At the moment you can only hope that medication will enhance your targeted ambitions, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. Take it easy, otherwise, like everyone else I should imagine, you will just wear yourself out.
What is society anyway? Is it not 80% people looking to get an advantage or satisfy themselves? 20% left are fed-off.
Oh, I am so cynical, still I can be because I don't fit in.= with the normality/average crowd.
Hheheheehe, I just hope one day all of this £"£$ changes for the better, for everyone.
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Post by .... on Oct 25, 2009 20:34:35 GMT
Hi haydreamer, my friends have labelled my occasional outbursts as 'bridget jones style auto-rant's'? I'd pass as comedy standup when I lose my temper over the occasional thing though I guess. Anyway I don't know about you, but I'm a terribly social creature - I'm just lousy at getting started with new people? A nice looking chap (trolley full of meals for one) tried to start a convo with me in the supermarket last sunday. I looked at him like he was from another planet.. and headed off to the spirits aisle to get brandy for the kid's mincemeat recipe! What is wrong with me? ?? (Been seperated for 4 years now and have it in mind that I'd like to step out of my bubble and date at some point in the future. Am always complaining I don't get any practise!) And you might be right about my friend's instability Andy but I can see why he thinks the lack of responsibility in his life is damaging.
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 25, 2009 22:34:55 GMT
I don't think that anyone here, would benefit from the extra stress caused by the "responsibility" of relationships or having to raise children, one of the toughest tasks in the world to do correctly, if they can't even handle their own lives. A percentage of parents for instance, in my opinion, are nothing more than "people who happen to have children" but maybe they have issues... o.O
In their defence, who educates them to be parents? Their parents, school, government, the internet or common sense?.
I would never ever x 10000000000 consider that taking on the burden of having kids would make me a more efficient person, which is what I "think" was the potential aspiration for chrysallis' friend.
If you and he agree that a stable partner may give him mental reinforcement and "that feeling of connectedness", subsequently leading to a calmer, more compatible frame of mind, therefore leading to a feeling of stability and leading on to........... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz where was I???.....the desire for kids, then great, but it is not nice to have children without really being sure about that "feeling".
Of course, initial phases of relationships seem to be designed to bring people close together, which seems to be a phase designed to solely produce babies, according to some scientific ideas.
I would rather, totally be out of any such social loops, until I decide that some things are needed for essential human functioning and embrace a trial of that sort of thing OR my bodily ailments are successfully dealt with or rectified to a healthy degree......thereby encouraging me to take the aforementioned step.
Anyway, that's far too much babbling from me. My brain is hurting so it's time to fade away....
Dammit, I was going to type a couple of lines only........and well you know.........
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Post by haydreamer on Oct 26, 2009 9:42:28 GMT
Hi Chrys,
I am a bit of an odd creature, it's a state of mind or perhaps more of being in the right frame of mind, I usually am pretty good at making small talk with strangers, like when walking the dog. The weather, how old my dog is blah blah.....
Yet when it comes to be in an intense around the table with strangers, I home in on a person to spend one-to one conversation with, sometimes, I do really silly things like avoid people in my town, even if I know them, ie don't feel like chit chat-I run away!! I love being sociable and am sociable by nature, but it al depends on how I feel at the time, I AM CONSISTENT AT BEING INCONSISTENT, that's me to a tee!! ;D I think i suffer with mild form of social anxiety, not always a useful thing to have!!
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 26, 2009 14:20:22 GMT
(thinks of the number of times he avoided ex-customers at the supermarket)
Again, these things just seem so familiar and I am betting now that anyone who reads the posts on this thread will think....."uh-huh, that sound like me goddamit!"
It's always the quiet ones.....that perhaps are thought to be calm and collected but in fact are just quiet because they are trying to keep the castle drawbridge shut on their internal maelstroms.
I have got pretty bored of doing the old "how are you, I am fine routine" in public.
It's just really pathetic because it is not possible for me to really be interested. It's just another trick to appear normal/average and therefore to avoid the questions and squirming around of awkard interrogations.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2009 16:52:09 GMT
I think after reading most of this that going to pubs clubs partys can be hard if out of the loop.
I prefer to meet people in jobs, clubs, vol work so if you mess up its no big deal as its not like a 30 sec window, by the way I can so understand that one beat yorself up on missed opportunitys but thats not helped by ADD and its not just in relationships, jobs etc.
Then once youve got people you genuienly get on with and trust you can go the pub have a laugh and then a club have a laugh and the next thing your going out on your own and chatting anything up in a skirt LOL or pants, .....but its just like baby steps and have some fun.
hope dont sound like am preachin again just while am in relationship I have still found myself in a rut and am considering some of this myself.
Was looking at photos and was just so angry feel like Ive been under a rock for years and life is passing me by and now I've taken stock and I'm doing somethink about it so if anyone fancys a beer in Liverpool you can stay on my dads boat in Albert Dock just not all at once, LOL
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2009 17:19:46 GMT
Haydreamer, i understand what you mean, i can't work myself out at all...
I'm bubbly & sociable on the one hand, on the other i'm a social phobic. Avoiding nights out & feeling way too self-conscious to go anywhere apart from friends houses. Its driving me nuts, i know some really good people but they just give up trying to get me out, even going to a meal is too much. I'm fine 1:1 & in some 'moods' i can handle a group of nice folk, but other times its a no-no! Its soooo frustrating, i'm fed up with myself! Yet deep down i know i'm a nice person!! I just want to be relaxed around people, is that too much to ask!!!
Boo i want to tell you to go out, but know you must be beating yourself up about it today?? Try to make a point of saying yes next time, even if you change your mind, to give yourself an option?? I'm terrible for doing that trick ,but i can umm & arrr for a few days at least before i decline LOL
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Post by haydreamer on Oct 26, 2009 19:23:34 GMT
absolutely!! ;D SIMONE QUOTE I just want to be relaxed around people, is that too much to ask!!! Me: I told two close friends that I have adhd and they said well no-one would notice, you seem perfectly ok!, but I am NOT RELAXED, always on edge and internally a chaotic churning of confusion, restlessness and deep frustration, but no-one knows how I feel inside, outside I am a great actress, I am passing as Ms normal/average - apparently 'it's all in my head'', (step in family members i agree here with andy.................. Andy QUOTE:I have got pretty bored of doing the old "how are you, I am fine routine" in public. It's just really pathetic because it is not possible for me to really be interested. It's just another trick to appear normal/average and therefore to avoid the questions and squirming around of awkard interrogations. Again !! a similar experience- I find I just want to cut through all those niceities- as people are being false, how are you? ,well, if you turned round and said actually no, i am not fine, would they care, no, would they want to hear your problems no, so it's all a pretence- a cover up, of course I do small talk, but I like the bottom line of things, and that is why my friends say I am often too open and honest, I just say what others do not dare to say! ;D I am hoping that I find the secret to feeling internally calm, controlled and relaxed, anyone know this secret?? ;D xx
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Post by .... on Oct 27, 2009 0:39:03 GMT
Internally calm, controlled and relaxed? I'd like to know that haydreamer! Anybody else get freaked out watching other people act that way like they flicked a switch and it just happened? It'd take me 3 mnths of pilates, good diet, chemical help and complete avoidance of stressful environments to achieve that - and I'd lose it the second someone unsincere asked how I was lol.
I think everything everyone is saying makes a lot of sense though... Everyone wants to feel relaxed around the people they are with? It doesn's surprise me anymore when I can't do this. Cause there are people that never say what they think. Ever. And I'm supposed to interact with them like I know what they are thinking? All of my friends might say I'm as subtle as a breeze block. But they'd also all say 'does exactly what it says on the tin' about me!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2009 1:37:50 GMT
Haydreamer - every month I tell myself THIS time I WILL go to the Bristol ADD group, and every month I don't...although I'd really like to... so I can really understand the whole canceling thing. Andy wrote: ANdy, I really disagree with that. I always make a point of, for example, handing back too much change someone has given me in a shop. People never expect it - but if you do it, then maybe they'll do it next time it happens to them. On my good days I am a great believer in the little things making a change.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2009 14:57:06 GMT
I am going to make myself get out there if it kills me whats the worst that could happen?
the people am with bore me to death and I go into one so what make an excuse or just get off if you feel that bad I often do, and go home maybee the peolple your round are nice people just not right for you.
Try again another day I found this situation happened time and time again untill I was convinced it was kind of me and would never get on with people I then met a new bunch of people and was bowled over by how much of buzz I had but like yourselves at the mo am in a rite fix but am gona go out and play on my space hopper.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 27, 2009 16:50:29 GMT
I totally empathise with everyone on here, what you see is what you ge with me, and i'm te same with everyone, I sometimes say the wrong thing without realsing it, and it makes me paranoid. I lack so much self esteemits u true, I get lonely sometimes although i'm in a relationship, cause no one knows whats its like to have a vey jumbled mind, and have down days, today i feel I could just sit and cry or stay in bed and I dont know why.
I to would love to be internalhy calm and relaxed and at peace with self. My sister says having adhd is no big deal and just get on with it, she has no idea.
I no i'm lucky and fortunate in alot of ways and im gratful for what i have, I to cant figure self out. Why cant I finsh projects off or lose the weight ive put back on since beening off work, or just stick a job and be happy, cause thats what i really want.
I just want to be accepted and feel I belong.
I wish there was a adult support group in the Birmingham/dudley/wolverhamton area, I definately go, so I can meet people I may have somthing in common with, it might help me have peace.
Sorry to rant at least when I come on h.ere i dont feel so alone with this, as everyone shares similar views to me.
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 27, 2009 19:16:42 GMT
Heifa, my statement was probably a bit too loose and unspecified. I am good at that.
I am a firm believer in the old "treat as you wish to be treated" I was not suggesting that we should all go out and start being nasty. Not that I could because I am quite placid anyway, so I would not get very far.
Sigh, it's tiring for sure.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2009 0:05:49 GMT
Oh well, you know Andy, I am probably just trying to be nice and so on and so forth because I despise myself enough as it is...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2009 10:16:23 GMT
heifa
I like your cat suit were did you get it from, Ive got one bit simmilar but its not fur its PVC
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 28, 2009 15:28:12 GMT
Don't despise yourself Heifa.
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