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Post by laura on Oct 20, 2009 13:04:35 GMT
i got a letter today from the headmistress at my sons school, about his(my) lateness, it says they work closely with the education welfare service and that i could get a penalty notice if he continues to arrive late!
how can i explain that mornings are the worst time of day and if i got up at half 6 id still probably be late because i flit around, cant prioritise, cant find anything, havnt got things for packed lunch ect
i have no dx of anything apart from anxiety/deppression so dont like mentioning add because if it turns out thats not what it is and im just incapable ill look stupider than i already look!
i feel bad enough as it is i dont need these letters, people waiting on the school drive ect to tell me im late, i know and i try but it seems like i cant do anything right
also while im having a rant, does anyones child do/has done this; my son lies, like the other day i saw him stand on a jigsaw puzzle box and break it, he caused such a fuss crying screaming ect that he didnt do it, it wasnt him that i started to doubt myself even tho i saw him do it! he wouldnt fix it with sticky tape because he didnt do it, even tho i saw him. he hates saying sorry and never admits to anything, even when i see him, i dont know what to do
is this normal? its not just every now and again its every time he breaks something/does something wrong.
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 20, 2009 14:41:20 GMT
Laura, I can only comment on the lying part. I think that some people, regardless of age will always deny things no matter how strong or obvious the evidence is. Obviously remember the adhd issue here as well. I am not DX either, but I remember being scared of my father when I was young, but I actually did not have a reason to be.. Does that make sense? Anxiety/fear, mental instability, lack of mental solidarity? for whatever cause..... whether Atypical depression, adhd, borderline equivalent, it does not matter what the cause is, the brain response is the most painful part. I don't like being wrong, even now. Admitting it is always difficult, but eventually I have to acknowledge if I am wrong. I do tend to be a total politician and I go around the houses to make a point (ahem). Also remember that two adhders negotiating diplomatically or one as an adult (lol) trying to prove a point plus being 5 years old, is probably like trying to defuse an atomic bomb with a 30 second countdown, music playing in one ear, someone tapping you on the shoulder all at once. So, do I know what I am trying to explain here? doh! There is a saying "you say black, I say white" defiance and conflict are surely the order of the day and the harder you try, the worse it may get. Anyway, I hope that made some sense. (blind leading the blind)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2009 18:13:04 GMT
Laura - try not to see the lying as lying. I still find it very difficult to admit fault even when caught red handed and saying sorry just isn't in my nature. He probably knows he's lying - my advice is to tell him he's lying once and make it easy for him to SHOW he's sorry later. Don't expect the word, look for the meaning and make sure he notices you've twigged. If that doesn't work then just beat him with shoes - that's what my mum did to me
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2009 18:18:12 GMT
Try to keep a lid on his breaking stuff - it can become addictive and a way to challenge you. OMG - who'd be a parent!? I BLOODY swear by wearing contraception on all conceivable occasions
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Post by forgetnotme on Oct 20, 2009 19:09:41 GMT
hi laura just been looking on www.teachernet.gov.uk/wholeschool/behaviour/.../ews/ - and penalty notices seem to me to be for non attendance not late in the morning. go have a look for yourself. has the head had a word with you about your lateness? I think maybe she has some tick boxes and you're messing her stats up. as for not telling her that you're in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD tell her. you won't look stupid if it turns out not to be so.(how many did you score on that quiz. A hundred and something out of 120) she needs to take this into account coz maybe your little one is affected. maybe she needs to know the frustration you feel at your inability to function in the morning and that you are trying to get him to school on time. Remember it's not you who is the naughty little child you are an adult with problems and she can't keep you in at playtime. don't be scared of her. she works for you indirectly. penalty notices appear to be for those who wantonly don't make their kids go to school, seems to me that's not you. as for the lying it could be his way of getting your attention coz I'm guessing he always gets a big reaction from you. let him know calmly and quietly that you know he has done whatever it is and don't get into a discussion about it. If he screams and shouts it wasn't him stay calm and ignore it. this is the wrong kind of attention. And don't let him make you doubt yourself, you know what you see and he is just trying to manipulate you. just remember you are the adult and your rules reign. Being strong now is easier than trying to put it right when he's a big teenager. don't know if this is helpful or not. It's hard being a parent as we don't get a manual... Anyway how is uni going? hope you're enjoying it
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Post by .... on Oct 20, 2009 20:19:31 GMT
Hi Laura, Am sorry to hear about said penalty notice! Worried I'll be getting one one day! I hope uni is going well too, I know autumn half term is tricky when you have kids cause the uni's don't have that break. (Uni was a life saver for me in a way, because getting the kids to school was upto the childminder ) My little one has improved on the lying front a great deal in the last year thank goodness. Someone told me to imagine what behaviour made sense if you have 4 seconds to live? And to treat her accordingly. When impulsive she doesn't think beyond that amount of time. So I taught her to let me count to three before I let her answer my questions. If you've four seconds to live lying to get out of trouble makes so much sense you see! If she has to think before she answers lying stops making sense. But incidents like the one you described used to be commonplace to us. Hang in there. x
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Post by boo on Oct 20, 2009 23:02:32 GMT
Laura, with your son, is he quite clumsy generally, did he just get all excited and tread on the box? do you think he really might not have realised he did it and that was why he protested so much, maybe not of course, but mine did sometimes and really just got caught up in what they were doing they didn’t notice ‘unimportant’ things like a squashed box. And my DD was always very clumsy bless her, (and still is tbh you would not believe how many glasses and plates etc we get through here) i never really got cross over anything that wasnt intentionally broken (and I’m not trying to say you do, so I hope it doesn’t sound like that), however it took my DD some time when she was much younger to admit to breaking things, even though she had no cause to be worried about a telling off, or anything other than help to clear it up ,lol. my son also took some time to 'realise' this too, although generally he is not quite so clumsy as my DD (but i always think that they feel bad enough themselves without me adding to it) i think what i am trying to say is , could it be your lad truly didnt realise, or if he did blatantly lie, then if you think how quickly he probably denied all knowledge without even thinking about how obvious the lie was or anything further than the immediate words of ‘it wasn’t me’ which probably just ‘fell’ out of his mouth without his brain engaging first (adhd or not, I’d say thats pretty common amongst 5 year olds), and of course, once the lie is out, it cant be taken back, thus meaning in his world, he had to just protest and protest or else he would also be 'in trouble' for lying and so it just escalates to a 'stand off' (never good) does that make sense? personally the way I would deal with it, I would let him know accidents happen without actually saying it was him, but letting him know that if we do things, even by accident, we should always ‘fess up, (to mum anyway), and offer to help him stick the box back together (or pick up the pieces or whatever), he'll realise soon enough he can come to you with the broken stuff for you to help fix it all back together anyway, saying sorry he has done it, mine did softly softly catchy monkey sometimes I know it might feel like you are letting him get away with it, but a) sometimes it can be as much about picking your battles and b) it will help him to learn that we all have accidents and its what we do about it afterwards that counts. course if he wilfully broke the box the scrub everything I just said and give him 20 lashings, that should do the trick ;D
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emily
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Post by emily on Oct 21, 2009 11:37:42 GMT
im always late taking the boys to school! il have everything planned and sorted, be ready to walk out of the door and then BAM something ruins it all! im trying though!!! as for the lying, my boys are rubbish liars! you can tell by their facial expressions! its quite funny!!!!!!!!
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Post by laura on Oct 21, 2009 18:34:54 GMT
hello, thankyou everyone i spoke to the headmistress today and she was really nice, ;D she asked how she could help me and mentioned in the past she has rang people to kind of spur them on/make sure theyre up. so shes going to ring me every school morning at 8 to make sure im up and on the way to getting ready! its worth a try, my mum used to do it for me but it didnt work im hoping this will tho, i also metioned i was going to write a checklist to help me prioritise and keep me on track in the mornings and she said if ill bring it in shel laminate it for me i also mentioned i was worried about my son and she said they had noticed him and had some concerns that he is not progressing as well as he should when i asked why even when asked the other teachers didnt seem concerned and she said its because hes a lovely little boy, anyway shes going to set up a meeting for me with the senco woman to discuss tae after the holidays. i just had a really crap day yesterday so that letter was just the icing on a horrible cake. unis ok, boring and i want to do an art course now but i need to stay with this for a while because no doubt ill change my mind, but im going to look into it anyway, but not make any impulsive decisions! ;D i sent my student finance form off late and have had to send additional evidence twice and have now got to send some more because i didnt send the right stuff, so itl be probably another month till i get that thanx for the advice about my son, its great as all i seem to get here is why dont you smack him? or shut him in his room? shout louder ect and thats not how i want to do it, it doesnt work or youl just scare the s**t out of your children! i think i need to be more patient, try to be more patient he did stand on it on purpose, i said dont stand on that ull break it, then he looked down and stood on it! so ill get the whip out and he is clumsy, drink/food spillages galore, he only has plastic stuff, but i dont mind, dont make a fuss just clear it up. we are both as bad as each other so i couldnt tell him off
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2009 18:37:48 GMT
Laura i'm sorry to hear about your son's school. Its so difficult to know what to do?? I'm in same boat, wondering whether to say something at parents evening tomorrow night. I'm struggling big-time with the school routines; especially the homework timetables?! Its worse than being back at School ourselves! School-runs are hideous, i'm always late too, never really my fault, just seem to attract bad-luck at choosing busiest routes etc! I think you should consider explaining that you are waiting to further your diagnosis, but here are the problems you have..See if they can come up with a solution? Does your school have a drop-off zone? They're great, sadly ours doesn't but for slightly older kids, reduces faffing around parking. Not sure about the porky thing, i wouldn't be massively concerned, my son does it now & then & gets into trouble, job done, he's growing out of it slowly.. Simone x
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Post by laura on Oct 21, 2009 18:45:05 GMT
i think we were writing our posts at the same time
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Post by boo on Oct 21, 2009 21:01:47 GMT
patience, yeah thats something i needed more of, it never did come naturally to me (still doesnt, you'll be shocked to hear NOT) why do i look back and feel that everything was a rush and a blur and utter chaos. hmmm standing on the box that purposefully huh, yep remember that well, both from my own childhood and my kids, they still havent quite grown out of that either, actually neither have i come to think of it glad to hear the headmistress was helpful though, but i wonder how many she could have on her 'alarm call' list at any one time, i have visions of her phoning a great long list, and if your at the bottom, you could just blame her for the late call ;D
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Post by forgetnotme on Oct 21, 2009 21:16:32 GMT
well done laura so pleased you saw your son's headmistress. hope it works. good that they will keep an eye on his progress my favourite trick was to have a clock that was set at least 5 minutes fast so that I always had extra time to get out. seems really stupid but even though I knew the clock was fast I would still follow it. any strategy in a storm.
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Post by andy12345 on Oct 21, 2009 22:37:56 GMT
Ah, the old clock trick eh?
I always thought that was a load of carp, but if it works......well Good!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2009 9:14:47 GMT
Thats really nice of your head!! Brill, job done laura, i'll let you know how my meeting goes lol
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Post by boo on Oct 22, 2009 17:29:13 GMT
hey simone, how did you get on. did you mention anything?
hope it went well x
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Post by laura on Oct 22, 2009 20:14:10 GMT
i hope it went well simone its nice to hear simlar stories it makes all the difference, thankyou for sharing the headmisstress didnt ring me this morning! she was short staffed and forgot. it was nice going into school late and her saying sorry to me tho, not the other way round! ;D
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2009 17:41:08 GMT
HAHa thats classic!! A head forgetting bless her!! Thanks Laura, sorry i forgot to let you know how it went, i did explain how things are for me to ds's senco, ds is going to have further tests & knowing about my adhd was important i feel. There were no suggestions when i explained how much i struggle with the kids HW tho. Well we'll have to keep plodding on LAura x
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2009 21:28:15 GMT
Hi mums
Does your schools have in place PSA's (Parent Support Advisors) it's a service that's getting introduced into nearly every school in the country, bit like parent support programmes. The PSA can help with school problems, intervene on health and other issues that you may come up against. They are good at letter writing and helping fill out forms etc, etc if you need them to. They work for the parent and not the school or other services, so may be worth finding out if PSA's are in your area.
Hope this helps?
Honey xx
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