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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 14:09:33 GMT
Hi guys , i am totally sick of adhd and i havnt even got it. My partner of only two years has, and we are waiting for a diagnosis . i am and have been totally convinced my partner has this for a few months now but doctors arnt very helpful and when e had an appointment with the second one , ( we have seen three , ) we were practically frog marched out of the surgery for wasting the doctors time. my partner is 42 and his son is 8 and was diagnoised with adhd last year . listening to my partners family and friends , ( very few left now) it seems obvious hes had it all his life it was just never diagnosed as a child . He smashes things up , mainly by accident and has poor short term memory. He can be so badly abusive , im still upset at being called a c**t on xmas eve all because i mentioned the mirror he had just put up was badly on the piss , even though i said it nicely , which he was still being abusive towards me on the way to me visiting my sisters grave !! He blurts out innapropriate comments towards everyone and to be honest causes some downright awkward situations. Yet again another one that has resorted to self employment but really i run the show , thats when he hasnt destroyed all of our stock through impatience or neglegence. Driving . oh the driving , white van man im talking about , never signals , speeds , wheel spins either in a rage or mind is elsewhere. We only have to hold pot for a few more weks but i dont know if we will as his attitude is very cold and flippant and i dont even know if he loves me , i feel im flogging a dead horse. what infuriates me is he knows all this is true as people have spoken about it before to him , he just makes a joke of it and calls it adhddddd or hgvvvvv and all sorts of other childish names . i have three girls , teenagers from a previous relationship and as a result of his jealousy tantrums they havnt seen thier real dad for months and hence , they hate this , so today i contacted thier dad and said they could go stay for a few days , and guess what ? my partner is now sulking again. sulks but also constantly shouts out , " dont mind me , im not your real dad and never will be so dont bother asking me for anything !! " i feel like my spirit has been broken , even the dog is depressed as its not allowd off its bed whilst my partner is around , he says the noise of it clip clopping around does his head in. why oh why does it take so long to get seen , i even slapped him round the face the other night for his incessive verbal abuse , he doesnt know when to stop. does anyone have any tips on how to get seen quicker?? so sorry for the negative ranting ive done but its better than going on anti depressants until he gets seen . love to all x
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 15:01:54 GMT
sorry about the spelling , not easing typing whilst in floods of tears .
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 17:23:17 GMT
hi Bev, i'm sad to read about your situation, you are clearly putting up with a lot at the moment. i hope you don't mind me saying, but i think you should try and seperate your partners behavior into;
(1) behavior that is caused by ADHD (2) behavior that may stem from other problems (such as low self esteem/depression etc) (3) behavior that is just his personality!
if i could quote some of what you've said...
"he has resorted to self employment but really i run the show" "Driving, never signals , speeds , wheel spins either in a rage or mind is elsewhere." "He smashes things up , mainly by accident and has poor short term memory." -my guess, is that these 3 are a direct result of ADHD.
"being called a c**t, all because i mentioned the mirror he had just put up was badly on the piss , even though i said it nicely" -Lots of people with a low self esteem, are over-sensitive to criticism, so that may be the cause of his outburst.
-but these things... "he was still being abusive towards me on the way to me visiting my sisters grave!!" "his attitude is very cold and flippant and i dont even know if he loves me" "as a result of his jealousy tantrums they havnt seen thier real dad for months" "shouts out, "im not your real dad and never will be, so dont bother asking me for anything!!" "incessive verbal abuse , he doesnt know when to stop"
-this kind of behaviour is not caused directly by ADHD, and no ammount of ADHD medication will stop it!...
He has no right to speak to you and your children that way! He has no right to come between your children and their father! You and your children deserve to be treated a lot better, and i don't think you should put up with it!
sorry if i'm speaking out of turn, but i hate when people act like arseholes, and use ADHD as an excuse!!!
-matt
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 18:09:03 GMT
Hi, im impulsive lack confidence, spend too much, can be rude when critised or forced into things, say things when angry (yes loads). But my partner has stuck by me for 8 years and we are stronger more in love and toether more than ever. Cause everyday i try and treat him with respect and never take the mick purposfully or go out way to deliberately hurt him or anyone. I would give him my second kidney or bone marrow, id do anything for him. Would never cheat or lie to him, and i tell him i love him everyday and we never go to bed on an argument, no matter what life throws at us.
What am I getting at? adhd affects people yes but stops us being loving or caring no. Deliberately going out of way to make your life misery is bang out of order, he cant blame everything on adhd. Until he accepts his adhd, his limitations and focuses on the positive things he will n3ever move on and drag you down to, like alcholics or drug abusertsa who dont get help. On ly he can turn his life around and if he wont do it for u he isnt worth it. I have to try everyday and i do it not for me for my wonderful family and the man i love (mushy i know but the truth)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 18:19:16 GMT
I'm concerned for you Bev...Are you sure you can be with him through another few years of this? Not sure the meds on their own will cure him without a lot of additional therapy, if he'll accept that, & work hard at controlling his temper?
Is this the best place for your kids, do they see him behaving like that, or do they get on with him? Could you step back & let him decide himself to take this seriously?
I'm sorry for you, he should appreciate you trying so hard to help, its very stressful trying to get the initial referral..xx
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2009 18:45:02 GMT
Yes I agree with Simmone, he is lucky to have you, and he should understand that, i know how lucky i am. Sometimes we have to put our own feelings and thoughts aside to care for others we love and respect. Hang in there. Get him to read on here so he can find some inner peace.
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Post by .... on Dec 27, 2009 21:39:08 GMT
Hi Bev. First things first.. Nice to meet you and Merry Xmas/New year to you ;D I hope there have been some good moments across the holidays for you and your fam, inbetween the strife you're having. There is some good stuff on this forum that might aid getting on the ladder toward diagnosis, lists and nice guidelines (that hopefully someone more organised than me will direct you to). However and I hate to say this to you cause I think it may not be what you hoped to hear, but I think Matt may have a good point about figuring out which parts might be ADHD and which aren't? Your post describes, almost identically, my now-ex-husband (not-known to be ADHD, tho our youngest defo is) and how things were for us about halfway through our marriage . If things are similar to how they were for us.....I'm guessing you are spending alot of time feeling like you are on eggshells? And beating yourself up everytime you accidentally trigger his behaviour? My ex and I managed to get help in the end and had about 3 gd yrs before separating. But nothing changed until he really accepted that he had a problem.
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Post by andy12345 on Dec 28, 2009 4:08:54 GMT
If your husband is "consistently" an arsehole without any drugs/alcohol etc, it probably shows more of a personality disorder similar to borderline or narcissistic or Antisocial. These "could" be additional to ADHD, although in some cases, I "suppose" it is possible that one a triggering of a mood swing of enough momentum occurs, who knows how arsey an Adhd type can be?? You should watch some Russell Barkley presentations, links are on this site. Let's also not forgot the old "familiarity breeds contempt"(or conflict) After enough years, people in a contemptous relationship are ready to bite at a moment's notice. (hmmmmmm, or is that adhd?) Hopefully, these are not obsolete descriptions. www.bullyonline.org/workbully/npd.htm Narcissism. www.bullyonline.org/workbully/bpd.htm Borderline www.bullyonline.org/workbully/apd.htm Antisocial Also, there is...... en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PsychopathyYou need to learn the differences to understand. EDIT - you managed to slap him around the face without repercussions... Hmmm, there is hope.......
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2009 20:55:32 GMT
Hi there,
So sorry to hear about your problems - to which I can relate. I guess you had a crap Christmas too - most of mine was spent in tears because of the years of putting up with ADD denial by my husband. Even though we have a dx because of the Bristol problems we still do not have any meds......... now trying to find an ADD coach to see if we can improve things ourselves - well I say we - I mean me.......
Read Gina Pera's book Is is You, Me or Adult ADD and this will give you some comfort but it will not take it away. I have spent hours trying to reason with my husband as to why he is the way he is and his abusiveness/forgetfullness/indifference etc etc but he cannot see it and just blames me for everything. The only thing you can really do is take the reins and go - tough but the only way to get sanity for yourself. This may well be your best route and then you can meet each other to date or whatever if you still want to see him - so you only get the nice bits without having to haul him along as well - life only gets tougher as we get older - give yourself a break and be nice to yourself.
You can PM me if it will help give you support.
Love Mooney
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2009 1:42:39 GMT
I CAN ANSWER THAT IN ONE WORD...GO.....
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Post by phil on Jan 4, 2010 12:02:19 GMT
As usual Andy a wealth of information the sad thing is i can relate to alot of it, right my condition whatever it is now is not what it was as a child- As a child i used to go into rages smash my mothers gaff up kick doors off hinges then into adult hood i did not smash things up i was more physically violent towards people. going back to i believe it was 2004/5 on boxing day i was at my brothers house as i was snowed in on christmas day so we went to my brothers on boxing day for crimbo dinner. my sister was there and caused an argument over her present we got her. this resulted in my son balling his eyes out. my wife said take us home and i did. i was extreamly pissed off and hurt. not over the arguement more so hurting my son, you can do what the f*** you like to me but hurt one of my offspring and i feel the pain. I had the keys to my sisters house and the plan was to hide the car around the corner lay in wait for them to come home and beat the s*** out of her for what she did and her boyfriend for not intervining and saying look it's christmas you're being out of order! but i could not wait they where taking to long, so i went off on one with the house! causing 3K+ worth of dammage! My probation officer said i lacked empathy! i could'nt empathise that my sister had her gaff smashed up! i believe empathy is the root cause to this prediciment i empathised with my son and still believe to this day that he did'nt deserve the abuse he encountered. Bev: i'm going to go against the flow on this one and say help you're partner. you don't know what state of mind he is really in and obviously it seems like he is in a bad way! trust me i'm verbally abusive to friends, family, and total strangers. my view on this is you're partner is under a great deal of stress. with work. the children. 99.9% of the time i'm abusive to my wife because of other factors some times she brings it on herself by calling me lazy! or her lacking foresight future events cropping up that cause me stress. ask you're partner at a good time when he is actually listening to you- how do you really feel inside? is anything worrying you or stressing you? have you tried mood charts? chances are he is like me in the way i'm guilty and remorseful for my actions but seldom show it outwardly i am caught in a snare. trapped. and on the horizion there is only one way out of it unless i can get help. but this help is a longtime coming! and anything can happen in the wait! my son has A.D.H.D and it looks like my other boy and girl are going to be diagnosied as A.D.H.D. i got another son but he is only one but i can see family traits already!
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Post by andy12345 on Jan 4, 2010 17:36:51 GMT
....................you have big issues, but the best thing is that you know this and you are trying to achieve peace and resolution somehow.
There is always a trigger for most behaviour. The fact that you can write in a balanced way, putting yourself in a bad light, shows that you are trying to become "a better person.
Unfortunately, the others' don't allways realise this and they carry on with the wind-ups or the triggering events.
I can see that you have a hard time letting some things go. There is no doubt really, that £3k of damage against your sister WAS overkill.
It seems, once your brain turns over..........it's hard to stop. You have to look at yourself at your best points. If, under normal circumstances, when everything is going fine, you are fine and at peace, then that's good.
If, however, you are just antagonistic, oppressive, etc, control freak etc all the signs of anti-social etc, then ouch...
Personally, I don't think you are, otherwise I doubt you would put yourself in a bad light so obviously.
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Post by .... on Jan 4, 2010 20:54:49 GMT
Good on you Phil for suggesting practical things to try and help bev and her partner - some ideas there that I'd really have liked to have tried once upon a time. But I do think it should be recognised that helping someone to work past thing kind of thing can sometimes be 'above and beyond' the call of love or duty if its of a certain nature. Risks taking people for granted otherwise. Not sayin isn't worth it. But someone who decides to work through it with their partner ought be recognised for their extreme patience
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Post by phil on Jan 21, 2010 14:46:55 GMT
i call my wife names all the time i don't know if it's just become habbit? or what? i just blurt things out. sometimes it's brought on by the way shes asking me? or it seems to me shes moaning nagging or just on my case in general? and she thows things like why don't you get a job! i don't think theres anyone stupid enough to employ me! i want to work and that just adds to my stress as i can't. i live in hope that one day a doctor is going to give me a ritalin script and it's going to turn my life around. my problem is i'm too impaciant and i wanted that script years ago! but work it's self could be causing you're partner stress in it's self! hence too much on his plate and no time to think things through! i feel a little isolation helps sometimes it's good to just get away from people, and distractions. even if it's stitting in a quiet room. but if there are issues this time away will consist of thinking negative thoughts and more sh1t will pop in his head than before. you're husband could have ADHD but you must get to the core facts to why he is not letting the girls see their father it could be like you say though jelousy or there could be more sinister forces at work pumping his head with stuff and he could see the repatration of you're daughters with their father. as there first step of you and you're ex reuniting! that is the kind of thing that happens with me there is never the right time to talk then it's too late things just come flying out!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2010 20:49:40 GMT
I also did some daft things but not as bad as you describe One Idea that comes to mind if I was in that sitch may be to get a vid camera and just leave on one day when this is going on and let him watch it back. Sometimes people dont realise arnt aware how stupid they are being I didnt but I do now. I was watching a vid of us back and I made some random comment and then added like your mum and it wasnt nice and i didnt mean anythink by it but it probably hurt her and somtimes we do stupid things and dont even realise as we live in the moment we dont think, but he needs to start thinking or he is going to lose you and sometimes even when that prospect is staring you in the face you still dont realise, things really have to be spelt out to us or we just dont see it. It may take some effort to get a quiet mo and say eye contact you need to stop this or we are over, real get it into him that if he doesnt get his finger out make the effort he is gone I wish some one had done it to me casual comments or comments in a rage get brushed off as chat you realy need to get through to him if you want to work it out. Good luck may the force be with you!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2010 22:57:02 GMT
Hi bevbradley999.
I have just read your thread and empathise with you. I am a ADHD sufferer with mild to moderate symptoms. It's still a pain though.
My suggestion for getting seen sooner whic I did is toget your hubby to join your local hospital fund if you can afford it. Wait a while and then return to the GP asking for a private consultation and he should refer you.
Most hospital funds will fund a secent portion of the consultation fee. Hopefully you can fund the rest. Check the hospital fund terms though since they have a cap for how much you can claim in any 12 months.
Once you have seen a specialist it may take a few sessions until he/she is happy to diagnose you.
The down side is that once you money runs out you have to get reffered back into the NHS but don't expect speedy continuing treatment from the NHS. Depends where you live.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2010 12:54:56 GMT
My Dear Bev How did you meet and what attracted you to your partner in the first place ? How was he then ?
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2010 13:00:54 GMT
Also ring the PCT and ask for the person who is responsible for implementing the New Nice Guidelines and retell your stories to him/her ! They habve the power to kick ass and make the GP'S send referral to appropriate professionals ! Find out where you need to be referred to make sure you get what you need ! GOOD LUCK ! Love Light and Angels xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by Little Owl on Aug 6, 2012 7:02:26 GMT
I found your "recommended reading" interesting and informative. Thank you for posting the links.
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Post by Little Owl on Aug 6, 2012 7:04:15 GMT
I'm sorry I got my post wrong. My message "I found your "recommended reading" interesting and informative. Thank you for posting the links." was for andy12345.
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