Freshly diagnosed but feeling a bit lost

[Deleted]

I'll give a short version and a long version of my story as I've just realised how long my post is!

Short:

Did anyone else feel a bit lost after having been diagnosed as an adult with ADHD? I feel worried about being judged and a bit, sort of, who am i now and what next?


Long version:

I'm 29 and I've been the way I am since as long as I can remember. Even longer than that, in fact, or so my mum tells me. I decided to approach my GP a couple of years ago after I'd read about ADHD and it had felt like I was looking into a mirror. I was having all sorts of trouble in my day to day life and I needed know if I was non-adhd and just a bit, hmmm, different ;D , or if it was this adhd thing. I had some psychodynamic counselling, which was helpful but didn't get to the root of the problem, and eventually got a referral to the Adult ADHD Clinic and the Maudsley Hospital (I feel very lucky to live only a few miles away from it). I had an assessment which my girlfriend was present at and the psychiatrist said she had no doubt that I have adhd (with tendencies towards depression/hypo-mania) and that I slipped through the net when I was a kid (I don't think there was a net to slip through at the schools I went to!). I got given Concerta there and then, and was given the responsibility, within limits, to find out my own optimum dose and to choose when to medicate.

So, all sounds great, ey? And it should be, only I'm now feeling quite confused. First I just though "I was right, I knew I was right and it's been confirmed", and I felt no shame in it. I decided not participate in the perpetuation of the stigma surrounding mental health, and so I told some of my friends. It's been a week since the diagnosis and now I feel like the rug has been pulled from underneath me. I suddenly have identity issues. It's bizarre to have gone 30 or so years, developed loads of coping mechanisms for situations and my behaviour and to then to be given a reason, or at least a partial reason, for many of the underlying issues and to be told 'you are this'. I'm suddenly filled with self-doubt, like I'm a fraud or something, and maybe a little resentful at the fact that it's taken this long to get to where I am. Confused, basically. Who am I?!

Also, I got a bit of ribbing from my friends, and I can take it on the chin, but I do wonder what people associate with terms such as 'adhd' and 'ritalin', especially when associated with an adult. My attitude/defence mechanism for being "hectic" and a bit odd was always along the lines of "if you don't like me, I don't care, I am who I am, f*** off" and I'm now having trouble applying that attitude. Maybe it (or I) needs to change.

Did anyone else with an adult diagnosis experience anything like this? I thought nothing would change about how I felt about myself, but it obviously has, at least for the time being. Btw, I should say that I don't think these feelings have anything to do with the new meds, it's more existential in character.

Phew, long post! Hope I aint bored you all

[Deleted]

Bless ! Dont worry too much as its just the transition period and it affects everybody differently ! You know yourself better than anyone you just need to learn to trust yourself !
I was diagnosed Dec 2005 aged 47years and am so grateful as the meds have completely changed my life !
Not everyone understands ADHD so I ask them to watch the add and loving it film which if they care about you they will ! If not then you know what to do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sending you Love Light and Angels x
Sheena x

[Deleted]

Hi Sheena. I think you're right, just a transition and I'm getting my head around it now

Funnily enough, yesterday I felt loads better by the end of the day which coincided with me upping my Concerta XL dose from 36mg to 54mg. Less transition anxiety, better concentration, and much less leg twitching etc (aaaannnnnnd......relax! Aaaah!). As an experiment I went back to 36mg today and guess what? Anxiety's back. Think i've found a short term solution if nothing else.

So what's this film you mentioned?

[Deleted]

Hi the film sheena mentioned is on u tude its very good. I totally agree with the transition process and how you feel I feel like it to. Though mine is more to do with my low self esteem combined with adhd.
Im mixed up still and its 8 months on after diagnosis, but determined to get there, you will too.
Hugs

[Deleted]

Mark read the short one sorry cant do long texts

I am a year in I found there is sooo much attention on the negatives, got me in a right state, panic.

thing is there are people with this who do ok the reason things in life may be wrong maybe just bad luck or combination try not to blame everythink on ADD like your doomed to fail.

For me has been a chance to really look at self and change if not dx may just still be banging head against wall just try not to get bogged down in gloom. Loads to celebrate we are like the mac to the pc mac processes graphics, music, better and pc does maths better, borring and macs are way moore cool and intresting. He says working on a cheap PC LOL

[Deleted]

mmm...yes, freshly diagnosed and feeling a bit lost. Yes, thats how I feel.
I haven't told many people but only one person has taken it seriously and that was my husbands sister. My husband is still sceptical and fails to see the extent it has on life. Someone I really expected would understand didn't. She sees all problems in life as being caused by your enviroment and people around you and is entirely sceptical about biological causes. Anyway, I think time is needed for things like this to sink in...

[Deleted]

lol i would say we def are a mac I have just also been diagnosed 2 weeks ago.. last sept when i found out i may have it i brought and read Gina's book you me or add i read it back to front its like a bible - killed at first to read it scared the shit out of me.. it does look like most go through a transition phase i went from manically wow !! this is it i know what it is now after years of going round in circles to crying for what i had lost, what had happened, all the why questions... i slipped through the net too hyper as child the 70's as we know it was unknown then...

Why didnt they pick up on it before? After years of counselling and psychology, not coping, depression, circles - short answer the nhs are untrained its still relatively new, a private counsellor flagged it with me i KNOW now if i had waited and stayed on the nhs waiting list i would still never know if ever - silver lining YOU KNOW!! now you can learn about YOU, you will know who you are thats such a positive some people never ever get there...

Re: past - at some point when you are ready you have to close that chapter of the book and move on to a new beginning which is prob a bit scary at first - but very exciting... music sounds different films are different watch some films with adhd people in them you will be able relate to them try Robin Williams Patch Adams, you are no longer going round in circles why why why ?- learn as much as you can about adhd, how it works once you have shall we say uploaded the program your mind will be free to learn new things, live up to your full potential and accept yourself for you (watch the Matrix

As far as other people go - i have told alot of people, mixed views some are wow i thought just kids got it, to sceptisism (remember its elevations of what traits everyone has too its slightly different), people who dont understand may not be able to process and take it in (as soon as you talk about EF and neurotransmitters some people cannont process it - you can - you know, you may find yourself educating others its quite a fascinating subject if you want to look at it maybe the way you view other peoples knowledge may help???

The Gina book if anyone hasn't read it was amazing i have highlighted and keep going back to numerous parts of the book its given me the insight

You are on concerta is that an mph? i am on esyquam its going well however i am itching alot and its bringing up in various places then going small scabs i wonder if i am allergic to it or it nedds time to sink in - the meds shouldn't affect your personality - its there just slow you down and focus you its should be a relief if you are physically and mentally hyper

You are not a fraud - my advice would be upload the programme it only gets better

[Deleted]

This is all very encouraging! I am feeling better about it this week. I think part of the issue is that it suddenly feels like it's on my shoulders to make the changes I want. I know it always was, but perhaps I was expecting some immediate change? Things have changed, I'm physically calmer (I know the meds have finished their days work when my leg starts bouncing around again!) and I am able to concentrate for longer, but the Concerta is only an enabler - it's now down to me to make the changes I want. Exciting and daunting!

Mandamoo - yes, Concerta is mph and it seems to be working well for me thus far, except that it stops working a little too early for my liking. Only side effect I've noticed so far is a dry mouth. Oh, and I now need to sleep more than 5 or 6 hrs a night, which is gonna take a while to get used to but I'm sure it will be good for me in the long run! Perhaps you need to speak to your GP if you're getting unpleasant side effects?

[Deleted]

oh, and also 39abc and Mandamoo, I have noticed that there are huge gaps in other peoples knowledge. Of course there will be, who would research beyond their own idea of adhd unless they thought they, or someone close to them, was suffering it? Even close friends who are definitely 'on the spectrum' (in my opinion ) have a very narrow minded idea about what it's all about.

The general consensus (forgetting about the complete sceptics) seems to be that I need the meds simply to help me concentrate, like that's the sole function of the it, but that's not the half of it. I think the ability to concentrate will come from the removal of the physical hyperactivity and brain-noise. It's difficult to explain to people without feeling like I'm baring my soul, and I've spent years dampening my true behaviour so a lot of people don't really know the true me.

[Deleted]

it is nice to filter out the external chatter and noise.. today i was hyper - yes when they wear off i am hypr again, less subtle somedays more noticeable others howver is this what it feel like to be normal ??!! yes you have to take it in your hands - dont let it control you take control thats empowering its a great start one step at a time dont expect too much, being calmer and reading a paper in the mornings is amazing to me others are shocked thats their 'norm' !!

Now its me, my partner is being assessed friday and and then my stepson now too people think i am nuts however you can spot it in others when you are totally aware the diagnosis'es will tell and i know (you know when you know) the meds are a helping hand ill see how i go for few days more its knowing what to try next if it isn't the right meds i definitely need an mph - do you know in depth what they do?

glad you feel better 2

[Deleted]

It's definitely a weird one, you go through the motions, i cried, felt very disappointed, but now i've pieced together all the reasons why such & such happened on my past. You will heal, you need time to digest all the info, plus forgiving yourself for all the stuff blamed on you for a lifetime! It wont happen overnight x

[Deleted]

Mar 9, 2010 22:18:33 GMT @mandamoo said:

it is nice to filter out the external chatter and noise.. today i was hyper - yes when they wear off i am hypr again, less subtle somedays more noticeable others howver is this what it feel like to be normal ??!! yes you have to take it in your hands - dont let it control you take control thats empowering its a great start one step at a time dont expect too much, being calmer and reading a paper in the mornings is amazing to me others are shocked thats their 'norm' !!

Yeah, I've been reading a book all the way to and from work each day. Not only that, it's fiction. I don't (well, didn't) read fiction often, to easy to get lost and not be able to enjoy it as a whole.

Mar 9, 2010 22:18:33 GMT @mandamoo said:

Now its me, my partner is being assessed friday and and then my stepson now too people think i am nuts however you can spot it in others when you are totally aware the diagnosis'es will tell and i know (you know when you know) the meds are a helping hand ill see how i go for few days more its knowing what to try next if it isn't the right meds i definitely need an mph - do you know in depth what they do?

glad you feel better 2

I've done a lot of reading about mph and I'm aware of the role of stimulants in treatment as I used to have self medication 'holidays' (not something I condone, but it was a relief for me before I knew what was going on). Seems to be working well at the moment, apart from when they stop working around 9-10 hours after taking my dose - the leg starts twitching and I get anxious. Have been given 10mg of standard ritalin for evenings now, but it didn't really get rid of the anxiety when I tried it yesterday. We'll see what happens, perhaps it's just something I'll get used to...?

Mar 11, 2010 10:37:42 GMT @simone said:

It's definitely a weird one, you go through the motions, i cried, felt very disappointed, but now i've pieced together all the reasons why such & such happened on my past. You will heal, you need time to digest all the info, plus forgiving yourself for all the stuff blamed on you for a lifetime! It wont happen overnight x

I think you're right, it's going to be a matter of time. But also a matter of talking it through, externalising feelings and not feeling isolated etc. Glad I found this forum!

[emily]

im on concerta too!! since augustish!! im meant to be on 90mg but im a wimp and still on 72!! only because i was coming down with something when i tried my increase and presumed it was the concerta!! lol!! but il go up tomorrow!!! i havent told that many people to be honest! im quite a private person and find it hard to talk openly (to people in the flesh!!) you know what, in 5 years, half your mates will probably of been diagnosed!! and we will wonder what all the fuss was about!

[Mark in Greenwich]

I was 37

I had the i dont give a fuck attitude when I was young I suspect that is common
depression soon knocked that out of me

Freinds are cool about it, theres more knowledge in public than between doctors Imho

I have periods of what your feeling, did today, its perfectly normal for anyone btu maybe we just think about it more and it causes more than normal anxiety

be patiant, its life changing but only if you use it as a point to learn improve and go forward from, treat it negativly and it wont matter you got help
Personally I think knowing about it mans I can account for it when I get out of hand and thats always a positive

chin up

Mark in Greenwich

[Deleted]

Dear Irregular Mark
I use Equasym XL 20mg late afternoon/early evening which covers me till bed time and it works really well ! I take 54mg Concerta XL in the morning !
I have to stay medicated so I can cope with my son when his meds wear off and also I used to sing/perform and without the meds I have little or no control of my voice !

[sherry]

I have to agree with Mandmoo's version of events, thats how it was for me. You have to just sort it out in yr head, it takes time oh and don't dwell on the past, if you need to put some things to bed then do it and leave it.