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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2010 0:15:22 GMT
Hi, I am new here and struggling to make sense of life with my partner of 5 years. I am waiting for the book with the same title of my post to arrive but in the meantime I am getting to the end of my tether! I am not sure that all my relationship problems are down to Adult ADD, however I am pretty sure that my partner is not able or willing to take responsibility for any of them, ADD or not!
I feel totally bewildered at his lack of empathy, ability to see when he has made a huge error with behaviour that most people would know needs looking at, either apologise or not apologise, but to just "forget" or not see the consequence to me. I cannot have a conversation with him, that does feels "real", he looks past me, responds to my words, sort of, the similar topic but a great big elongated response that seems like the inside of his head and not really a conversation linking to my words.
We cannot plan anything, manage bills or talk about things together without him either being really vacant and passive in which case I am left making the decision, or not and more often than not he will get involved later, dominate and undermine the decision, plant - he joins in late, or not at all and I feel totally alone and used, even though it "looks" like we are together, there is almost nothing that meets in the middle.
He cannot seem to see it, when he does he looks really depressed, hurt and like a small boy,but the next day he has forgotten and its back to the regime that he is sure makes us "happy". He is successful financially working for himself, is very uptight and controlling about his day and manages to remind himself to do all he needs to with work - almost obsessively.
in the relationship he leaves things to me, needs to be told what to do, never suggests, if he does he takes over, talks over me, ignores my reality and again I feel very lonely. If I act like a mother to him or a secretary it works - he is 46 and recently told he was on the specturm for ADD, but mildly, he doesnt seem to accept that he has problems relating and I am not sure it is the ADD or his upbringing (dominant mother, whom he was close too, but seems to resent, lack of his own person) He will use ADD as an excuse at times but still no sign he understands that relationships are two way and this one seems not to take my needs into account.
If he gets behind with his schedule and misses meals etc he blames me, if we chat and I suggest he contribute or I mention anything remotely personal that he could do, he loses it, justifies himself, acts hurt, throws abuse but says I am abusing, we cant talk, he eventually runs off with an immature sulk or tantrum, even if I then approach or recognise his complaints the next day and try to address the problem, he just wants to move on and comes up with a brush off remark.
The psychiatrist said medication was not necessary, CBT and mindfullness training would benefit as partner has signs of anxiety and obsessional control behaviour with work. My partner is happy when he is not confronted on random behaviour and outbursts and put downs and slights - when this is mentioned that I am infact alone in the relationship he goes "mad", very immature. A platonic relationship that focuses on his needs is about it, all plans, words, thoughts etc have never come to fruition and he talks about the same things over and over.
Thanks for listening, dont know if anyone has wise words about what to do if your partner cant see their behaviour, intentional or not is hurting. I think the answer is, you cant do anything and might have to leave, i just find it hard to accept someone cant see this themselves and shows no need to resolve etc
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Post by Atticus on Apr 20, 2010 8:56:11 GMT
Sorry to sound blunt but... ...you are with him why?
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Post by sirrah on Apr 20, 2010 13:07:26 GMT
Sorry to sound blunt but... ...you are with him why? (I don't speak for everyone with ADD, some do a lot better in all walks of life than others and I don't want to seem like I'm tarring everyone with the same brush.) My guess is, he is a dream guy "sometimes", and was especially so during the honeymoon period, right? The more commitment and decisions come into play, the more complicated the relationship gets. Relationships take work, ADD or not. I think when ADD is playing a role, the person is much more likely to avoid dealing with that work. People with ADD are much more easily overwhelmed and often deal with it by being rigid and dismissive. Not an excuse, by any stretch of the imagination. A lot of these things are just really bad habits, weak coping mechanisms we've never managed to let go of. The key hurdle you're going to have to get over is him accepting responsibility for his actions (and inactions) It's a great idea that you're picking up the book "Is it you, me, or Adult ADHD?" - I've heard it's really good and I'm going to get myself a copy soon. In my opinion, the role that ADD is playing here has likely been downplayed and medication is definitely worth considering. The first thing most people think when they read a post like yours is "run a mile!!", but you obviously love the guy, right? that kind of advice isn't going to help you. Yes, you have to seriously consider your own well being. Nobody can, nor should, put up with this kind of life forever. And blind hope isn't going to change anything... But sometimes it's worth holding on, and working at it. As long as you're BOTH doing so. You must get him on board, I hope the book helps you understand how to do that - because even though I've walked in your husbands shoes, I can't really say what it was that finally made me wake up and smell the coffee. All I know is, years of "nagging" wasn't it! Maybe an ultimatum is in order... but I can't say if that'd make things worse, in all honesty. On the one hand, the best way to make someone realise something is to be faced with the consequences, but pathetic pride can really get in the way of that....
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2010 13:34:57 GMT
The question why am I with him doesn't have any positives for me since ADD was brought into the picture and reading the book is to support me in "seeing" things more clearly. This condition whips you into confusing and often fast and furious exchanges which confuse the hell out of me. When I detach i see things more clearly - there is a massive imbalance in the work being done in the relationship. Thank you for pointing out that ADD can mean overwhelm and that the work will be avoided. This is what has happened, he explains this to me, we work out how the ADD is manifesting, then....I do my bit and he remains the same, work focussed! I get the impression that at his two assessments the main focus was on the way he manages work like and understands his issues there and the "diagnosis" was that he did not need medication - it has always been my concern that relationships were not highlighted.
He has had relationships of 3-4 yrs that as you say got to the serious committed stage and ended, he was charming, exciting and full of ideas when we met! None of which materialise. His mother was a great support to him - too close, but I think supported him with some of the ADD traits, she died suddenly only 8 months after we met, he didn't process this well and I think needs and expects the same support from me.
He is not adapting, he is rigid as you say and despite me being clear and honest that it just isn't working, he starts to do the work, wants to and then we go around in a circle again.
The irony is that I work with sixth form students with learning issues and work with Autistic and ADHD students - the key thing that really made me "wake up" was that unless the person can accept their difference & own the effect on others, the support you give will turn into an abusive no win situation that drags you and them down and is not an empowering relationship for anyone.
It goes against my nature to believe that people dont want to make the best of themselves and take responsibility for things when they expect others too. I am still investing emotionally and sad to say I think it is a waste of time and if I approach it like my job, everything is Ok - but I dont have my needs met ultimately. So there is something to learn for me in all this.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 20, 2010 14:57:33 GMT
Personally I think that you have to make it clear that you need to accompany him to see a professional and that he should be open to trying medication ! If that does not work then unfortunately I see no other option to you than to leave as you cannot put your life on hold !
Love Light and Angels Sheena x
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Post by sirrah on Apr 20, 2010 16:33:38 GMT
Knowledge is really your best asset in dealing with this situation. If you go to this site (bottom folder on the left), there's a presentation by Gina Pera, author of "Is it you, me, or Adult ADD", that I'm sure you'll find interesting! (There's also various other videos on ADD on this site, including a presentation by Dr Barkley which I posted in another thread.) Also, a couple of videos that also relate to this topic. I think Dr Parker describes something that really isn't highlighted by 90% of the stuff you read on the net.
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Post by sherry on Apr 20, 2010 18:07:47 GMT
Sallyg, My relationship improved after my diagnosis, before that I was a little bit like your guy (not quite so insensitive). I have researched my disorder, used a lot of insight and worked on my relationship, which has improved. I knew I was the main problem and it was up to me to try. Relationships should be fun, interesting, loving and definately not one sided. You seem to be doing all the work, that is not fair. I have been in demanding relationships in the past and in the end I just walked because it was no fun. Some people can't be helped and some of us naturally want to help. We end up worn out from the effort and miserable. Look deep into your heart, are you really happy, do you see things ever getting better, if not then as hard as it is you must do what is best for you and leave. If he can't recognise the need to make the effort as well then he will find himself with a string of broken relationships. One day maybe he will wake up and smell the roses, but don't hold your breath. I am sorry but he seems quite selfish. Oh and the meds are not the miracle cure, they just improve your focus and concentration, pretty much everything else stays the same. We have to work at it.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 9:03:23 GMT
Thank you all for your responses. It is really helpful. I am fascinated to learn more and the videos have increased my understanding of the condition, however I have realised that I really am the only one trying to apply this knowledge in real life. My partner seems not to be able to go beyond thinking it through in an abstract kind of way and still with no real understanding of consequence to my life, his or any relationship. The video explaining "acting without thinking" "thinking with no action" and " just closing down" seems to be how he is and its difficult from a compassionate view as his potential, personality and almost everything is not really coming "to life" his limited world is working "for him", work but even then he has no plan for why or what he will do once he gets to his work goals and I suspect he will never feel that - just getting through the day appearing not to experience any difficulties seems to be the aim of like.
Denial is something I cannot do anything about and he does not seem to, so despite great interest in him and opportunities to help, I have decided that he really hasnt accepted much about himself and is doing what he can, but it doesnt include anything that looks remotely like a relationship and I cant live with isolation at home anymore, unless I "buy into" his world, which actually makes it hard for me to move forward in mine. Men are from mars, women are from venus - we are now not even trying to get communicating! I have told him I want to end the relationship, he has become angry, withdrawn, overwhelemed, justifying himself, trying to make it work, right, but again, not with "us" in mind, I do believe its just to stop feeling criticised or a failure, so we shall see how negoations to live our own lives pan out. I imagine he will deny this is happening too but I will try to remember my reality.
Thanks again
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 17:07:37 GMT
Thinking of you at this difficult time !
Love Light and Angels x And a BIG HUG !XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2010 17:54:54 GMT
i dont know if this is any help but my dad has adhd same as me and treats my mum in the same exactly the same way he doesnt mean it but he dont know how to behave any differently he hasnt got the reasoning there to be able to give the emotionally support to my mum its distressing for my mum exactly the same for u no doubt but what my dad dont understand is the impact his behaviour has or though he might he cant do anything about it cuz he has crap coping stragies same as me but its just a hard situation because u can say something to me dad and he do it for a cdouple of days and then it all falls apart again so i know how you feel about ya partner perhaps doing that it not helpful or supportive for you and it ent no good saying to ya self he dont mean it either because at the end of the day it you that has the consequences of his behaviour i hope things work out and is sending huge hugs it must be hard for you
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Post by sherry on Apr 22, 2010 19:05:31 GMT
Sally g,
Further to the last. I have to admit I am pretty emotionally detached at times. The thing is I know I am, so when I do think about my partner I try to make up for it. I also buy him nice stuff, treat him regular, never ever moan when he goes off doing his own thing. He seems happy enough. I think I had better go and give him a big hug now.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2010 22:43:32 GMT
Hi there,
I've not been on the site for some time but just logged in for a bit of comfort! How I relate to your loneliness and heartache. After 10 years in a marriage that has always been difficult in all the ways that you describe (and more) I have finally decided to go for a divorce.
I read Gina Pera and many other books. I got my husband through the medical system - even though it took 18 months to get a diagnosis. By the time he got medication it was too late - I was already out of his loop - he was taking responsibility for ADHD (severe) by taking the meds but unfortunately will not go to a coach/CBT or anything else so has no knowledge of how his behaviour affects us as a relationship. The meds simply help him to concentrate on his work - nothing else matters.........
Now at 55 I am preparing to start again - our marriage is also our home and work - so by leaving I am loosing everything but it will be better than the loneliness and 'the nothing'. Brings to mind the kids film 'The Never Ending Story' how true!!
All I can say is be brave, nurture your friends and your passions and be kind to yourself. Remember there is laughter and love and try to put it in perspective - we are not starving or abused and no man with a gun is forcing us against our will - even if you don't want to step away completely, then just move sideways a little and do your own thing a bit more - you may find that gives you fulfillment and somehow earns a little respect and space from your partner. Others have trodden your path and did not have todays knowledge to cope - be grateful we understand the problems!!! Here to help if you need a friend.
Mooney
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