Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2010 16:45:44 GMT
maybe someone can help me out with advice or information, if you've been through the same thing yourself...
I'm in a longterm relationship with my boyfriend, who is 22, for almost a year now, I love him and wish to keep it that way for a very long time. He's been diagnosed with ADHD when he was a small child and I've talked to him and also his parents about this and know that it affected his childhood and teenage years in many different ways... but to the present... what scares me now is that I want to be there and help and support, only I'm not sure I can do this alone and without advice.
He's a very creative person, playing various instruments, very interested in a lot of things, easily excited about even the smallest things and I love all those things but
there are downsides too,...
it seems hard for him to focus on things and he loses hope and motivation very quickly... this has influenced his job situation and as a consequence constantly brings him down because he's not sure what to do with his life (which I think you don't have to know at that age but...) it seems like all the possibilities are too much to take on and that it keeps him from sitting down and pursuing something, even if it seems important to him... he talks about nothing else but majoring in camera and then he loses hope and motivation and keeps blocking his own path.
he always seems to find something to bring him down and render all his ideas irrelevant to work himself into. this, plus my still waiting to get accepted into college has brought us to living off money from the state.
to and outsider this might seem lazy but I know it's not and I want to be there to give him the strengh to do what he wants to do, because I know he's not happy doing nothing, even if he pretends...
only I can't just go and tell him to get his head out of his ass because I know it's not the issue but I also don't want to treat him like he's got special needs and walk him through life... I know people who are always led by the hand only have one hand left to do stuff...
so I don't know how to do this the right way... reminding him he can do anything he wants, but I want him to find his own strengh to do all these great things he has in his head...
another thing is that it also affects our relationship. we live together and so we share a great amount of time throughout the normal everydaylife.
but it's hard for him to let everything else go for a moment and be there with me. if we talk, are intimate or just sit on a bench quietly it's hard for him to stay in the moment and relax... his head is always getting in the way and if ever I want to sit in the park for 30 minutes I know I'll be saying "no let's stay a bit longer" at least 3 times...
He changes subjects a lot if we talk and it's hard to plan ahead in any way... if he says we'll leave the house in a few minutes it may be two, it may be 3 hours... he changes the plans for the days so frequently it's hard to adjust. all these things are not that difficult to handle but it's difficult for me to see how he never truly is with me 100%.
it hurts me to see that he more or less allows me to do things with him and let's me drag him along, he let's me kiss him, hug him or seduce him, he respondes but it often feels like dragging someone to go someplace and they halfheartedly go along and quite like it.
these things are hard for me to handle... I don't want to pretend it doesn't hurt me because I'm not a big fan of lying or eating it down but also I know he doesn't do it out of spite or because he doesn't love me or find me attractive... I know he can't find the peace to be there in the moment and I don't want to push this upon him.
Physical contact has become very important to me through this because I feel it's the only time when I have a good chance to get his full attention, also emotionally. I used to joke about and tell him how it's a crazy world where I have to try and get him to be intimate with me and how other guys would cut off a leg for that... but we are many discussions, fights, insecurity-attacks and long nights later and I know it's not that easy. There's just always something in the way and his head is always somewhere else.
I know he already feels like he hurts me because he can't give me what I want...
that's not what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to talk about it, not complain. I want to learn to understand what's happening inside his head so I can react without pressuring him and making him feel helpless and guilty.
and I want to help him to find that peace and quiet inside sometimes.
I have a history myself, I have been in therapy for depression almost my whole life until 2 years ago and I know what it's like to want to feel or be there for yourself and others in a way you can't be... and how that hurts. I know you need people to understand why you are the way you are, that it's not lazyness or that you don't just need to get a grip ... but also how you need people to not treat you like a mental case who can just give up and get away with anything because you're oh so very ill... you need someone you know you can always turn to, who believes in you and will never be scared to be there for you...
I don't know how to do that sometimes. whether I should allow him to be his way or press on with what is important to me... if he changes subject should I let him because I know it's hard for him to stick with something or should I get back to it and make sure we talk it through because it's important to me...? I feel it's a balance act and not that easily learned.
But I want to be able to be that person for him because I owe it to the relationship we have...
maybe you can help me.??
I'm in a longterm relationship with my boyfriend, who is 22, for almost a year now, I love him and wish to keep it that way for a very long time. He's been diagnosed with ADHD when he was a small child and I've talked to him and also his parents about this and know that it affected his childhood and teenage years in many different ways... but to the present... what scares me now is that I want to be there and help and support, only I'm not sure I can do this alone and without advice.
He's a very creative person, playing various instruments, very interested in a lot of things, easily excited about even the smallest things and I love all those things but
there are downsides too,...
it seems hard for him to focus on things and he loses hope and motivation very quickly... this has influenced his job situation and as a consequence constantly brings him down because he's not sure what to do with his life (which I think you don't have to know at that age but...) it seems like all the possibilities are too much to take on and that it keeps him from sitting down and pursuing something, even if it seems important to him... he talks about nothing else but majoring in camera and then he loses hope and motivation and keeps blocking his own path.
he always seems to find something to bring him down and render all his ideas irrelevant to work himself into. this, plus my still waiting to get accepted into college has brought us to living off money from the state.
to and outsider this might seem lazy but I know it's not and I want to be there to give him the strengh to do what he wants to do, because I know he's not happy doing nothing, even if he pretends...
only I can't just go and tell him to get his head out of his ass because I know it's not the issue but I also don't want to treat him like he's got special needs and walk him through life... I know people who are always led by the hand only have one hand left to do stuff...
so I don't know how to do this the right way... reminding him he can do anything he wants, but I want him to find his own strengh to do all these great things he has in his head...
another thing is that it also affects our relationship. we live together and so we share a great amount of time throughout the normal everydaylife.
but it's hard for him to let everything else go for a moment and be there with me. if we talk, are intimate or just sit on a bench quietly it's hard for him to stay in the moment and relax... his head is always getting in the way and if ever I want to sit in the park for 30 minutes I know I'll be saying "no let's stay a bit longer" at least 3 times...
He changes subjects a lot if we talk and it's hard to plan ahead in any way... if he says we'll leave the house in a few minutes it may be two, it may be 3 hours... he changes the plans for the days so frequently it's hard to adjust. all these things are not that difficult to handle but it's difficult for me to see how he never truly is with me 100%.
it hurts me to see that he more or less allows me to do things with him and let's me drag him along, he let's me kiss him, hug him or seduce him, he respondes but it often feels like dragging someone to go someplace and they halfheartedly go along and quite like it.
these things are hard for me to handle... I don't want to pretend it doesn't hurt me because I'm not a big fan of lying or eating it down but also I know he doesn't do it out of spite or because he doesn't love me or find me attractive... I know he can't find the peace to be there in the moment and I don't want to push this upon him.
Physical contact has become very important to me through this because I feel it's the only time when I have a good chance to get his full attention, also emotionally. I used to joke about and tell him how it's a crazy world where I have to try and get him to be intimate with me and how other guys would cut off a leg for that... but we are many discussions, fights, insecurity-attacks and long nights later and I know it's not that easy. There's just always something in the way and his head is always somewhere else.
I know he already feels like he hurts me because he can't give me what I want...
that's not what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to talk about it, not complain. I want to learn to understand what's happening inside his head so I can react without pressuring him and making him feel helpless and guilty.
and I want to help him to find that peace and quiet inside sometimes.
I have a history myself, I have been in therapy for depression almost my whole life until 2 years ago and I know what it's like to want to feel or be there for yourself and others in a way you can't be... and how that hurts. I know you need people to understand why you are the way you are, that it's not lazyness or that you don't just need to get a grip ... but also how you need people to not treat you like a mental case who can just give up and get away with anything because you're oh so very ill... you need someone you know you can always turn to, who believes in you and will never be scared to be there for you...
I don't know how to do that sometimes. whether I should allow him to be his way or press on with what is important to me... if he changes subject should I let him because I know it's hard for him to stick with something or should I get back to it and make sure we talk it through because it's important to me...? I feel it's a balance act and not that easily learned.
But I want to be able to be that person for him because I owe it to the relationship we have...
maybe you can help me.??