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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2010 8:30:13 GMT
Frustration sets in!!!! I have read up on various online sources over A-ADHD and i still find it very difficult to sit down and have a conversation with my wife about the issue, she always accuses me of not understanding and wants me to look into it more. I try and explain that I do understand but I will never be in a position to fully understand how they feel as I do not have the same problems myself. I know this may sound selfish but how can you possibly understand the way that someone with A-ADHD feels without suffering yourself. I try and listen and discuss the issue but find it very frustrating that it does not matter what I seem to say that I get the same response each time of not being supportive basically. Has anyone got any advice on how they deal with this issue?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2010 8:51:26 GMT
You seem to be doing OK.
ADHD is frustrating as hell and it makes you feel 'apart' and isolated.
It means that you're probably going to have to try harder than you should to show that you value the relationship.
If you crank up the mild affection a notch (depends how you do things but a hug or a 'I love you' out of the blue is nice).
You've tried doing the research and I agree that you've done as much as you can. If you get the 'but you don't understand' treatment maybe you should be saying 'maybe I don't but I'm here and I want to be with you'.
Expecting anything more is unreasonable.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2010 12:18:08 GMT
Thanks for the vote of confidence. I try the mild affection approach but she has great difficulty at times to show it back in response. As I have read up previously there seem to be many people who suffer with A-ADHD that feel uncomfortable at times when you try to hug them etc. I normally try and wait until she wants a hug herself not always possible . The amount of times I have been snapped at and told to go away! As I said I will never understand what it is like to suffer from ADHD (then again as a man I will never fully understand the ways of the fairer sex) but I love her which is all that matters at the end of the day. I hope that one day she may be in a position to see or realise what it can be like on the otherside and that it is not an issue of not understanding but realisation as to the synopsis of what is supposed to be classed as a normal life, if there is such a thing! Again many thanks...........
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Post by kakema on Oct 7, 2010 19:28:55 GMT
Hey, Tanis - lots of helpful replies already, but I'll add another two-penn'orth. Not sure if the hugging thing is part of ADHD or perhaps a sign of a co-morbidity (mild autism/aspergers?) or just background? I'm pretty sure my own issues with physical contact are well-rooted in my upbringing - my mother and grandmother viewed any sort of physical affection as rather filthy (I have no recollection of being hugged or kissed as a child) and if people were embracing (or, God Forbid, kissing on the lips) on the TV it was declared 'unsuitable' and switched off. So I won't let anyone apart from my husband and daughter kiss me, hate social kissing, hate being hugged, and my brothers and I never touch each other. Kiss and hug the wee one, though, all the time, trying hard not to screw her up with my issues. So, back to understanding and communicating. My lovely boy probably doesn't understand (he'd share your view that you need to live it to understand it), but I do get that he sympathises with how bad I feel, and sometimes I spot him 'spotting' for me - just doing some no-fuss reminding, organising, gentle (sub-nagging) chivvying along. And I know he means well so I appreciate him rather than getting defensive. But it's early days, and I'm not in treatment and to some extent we're both doing some adjusting. It feels a bit all-consuming at the moment, and I don't think that can work over the longer term. You don't say where your wife is on her journey. Has she got used to living with the condition, or is it still early days for you both? Anyway, you sound just lovely, and I hope she appreciates your efforts.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2010 21:13:40 GMT
I agree with oooshiny... I am the opposite.. I love gettin a hug.. I am into contact.. well not with total strangers.. but how can I put it without beeing missunderstood? My Man had to learn to cope with my cuddle needs.. lol So it might be well something else to do with your wife. I am glad for all what you do to try to understand the ADHD.. Wish my man would be that interested..
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2010 4:24:33 GMT
Hello, Everyone. I hope I don't end-up with duplicate postings: I thought I had posted to this forum earlier this evening. However, I don't find the posting here and, so, figured I'd try again!
I've been with my fiance for 8 years now. He has a whopping case of ADHD and major depression. He's in therapy for both. He's taking meds for the ADHD, but still exhibits many of the symptoms--chiefly irritability, forgetfullness, lateness, & disorganization. I have given up on trying to understand the condition. Instead, my fiance and I have agreed to try to respect one another's conditions, (I have an eating disorder with slight depression.) This means that he must respect the fact that it is difficult for me to simply stop eating when I find myself in the middle of a binge. In turn, I must respect the fact that he can't simply pull himself together and get to places on time, pick up after himself, etc. As part of our pact, we have agreed that we will keep separate residences; that, when he is feeling irritable, I will walk away; that, when he is late for more than 30 minutes, I will go on with my day; and, to lessen the problem with missed appointments, etc, that he will immediately tell me when he has booked an appointment so that I can put it on my calendar (and remind him when the appointment nears). Needless to say, setting boundaries has helped relieve a great deal of tension and to lessen my impulse to binge!!!
So, long story short:
Tanis, I suggest that you and your wife agree to simply respect the multi-impacts that ADHD has had on each of you. Then, try to set up some practical ways of coping that you can both agree to follow. It will make you both feel a bit more in control of the situation.
Best of Luck! Manxie
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