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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2011 12:10:34 GMT
HI there
am a new member getting desperate. here goes with a rant -apologies in advance.
My partner was diagnosed with ADD last May, is on Strattera & seeing a coach (occasionally). HAs struggled all his life with inability to focus, procrastination, chaos, terrible time keeping associated stress/depression etc, etc. you all know the type of thing.
I have read so much about it and tried to find out as much as i can which initially was amazing> it helped me see & understand and make sense of the last 10 years of my life.
All that was then. Now things have settled & progress is slow and his 'default' of being chaotic and tired and non communicative etc returns when he forgets to make the effort, or has too much work on (is self employed & can't say no & takes on too much & can't manage what he does take on, so of course every waking hour is dedicated to work related stuff), i see that there is no miracle change and that from what i have read (both the experts and those living with it) for the non ADD partner you basically have to sacrifice your own dreams and hopes fro the future for the sake of the ADD partner who will never understand your pain & frustration cos they can't & they won't read the books about how it affects you.
You have to bite your tongue, repress your anger & frustration at the chos, cos they go into shut down or get too stressed, you have to learn to tailor your expectations (dreams of a relationship where you are appreciated), and live with the fact that you are always the last person on the list & that all your huge efforts go in the main un noticed until you point them out & become a nag.
Then you get accused of being needy & un supportive....! When is it our turn? that's what i want to shout.
I've read Gina Pera - ehr book is great, but what i need is a magic wand, a new relationship or at least someone who understands what this is like - not friends with regular partners who say "oh, it sounds a bit like x...". It is not like that. We know.
I live in north herts and would love an adult support group but apparently there are none -if anyone is from round here and wants to help me start one please get in touch. Thanks for reading.
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Post by kakema on Feb 18, 2011 23:39:23 GMT
Sorry, isam, that nobody replied.
I guess I can only speak for myself, but...when I read posts like yours, I'm a bit stuck. It just makes me feel guilty about how I treat my other half. Not really wise to how to help non-ADHDers cope with us.
But....bad behaviour is bad behaviour, and you can only blame the condition for so much.
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Post by goosey on Feb 18, 2011 23:49:29 GMT
Sorry I can't offer you any proper advice isam. My husband is really laid back, so just lets me get on with things. He's as bad with money as me, but has a higher earning capacity and a positive outcome on life. We've been together for 18 years and I only found out I had adhd last year. We're both dyslexic, hubby is more so. We enjoy the same hobbies of sport and travelling, so maybe that's why it works ? The only times we might argue, are when we are in the car, or ethical reasons, when I'm being pig headed over some principle. I think you need to live your own life more, or you may result in resenting him. It works for us, but then we do have a very trusting relationship. Good luck
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2011 8:09:36 GMT
I'm with the last post you need to find live more of your own life, find your dreams and make them happen. You sound a little like your grieving the life you thought you would be getting. John grey the men are from mars women are from Venus author has a great book on loss and grief. I highly recommend it to help you move on to the relationship you do have.
Ailsa x
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2011 8:13:17 GMT
To any partner who has a partner with ADHD I would recommend men are from mars women are from Venus. Understanding the opposite sex would be lest half the battle.
Ailsa x
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2011 5:51:58 GMT
Thanks for those -
oooshiny, sorry i don't want to make anyone feel bad - i wasn't really thinking about people with ADD readling the post - i fully appreciate how difficult life is for you guys & that there is no malice or bad intentionin your actions (inaction?). i know enough to know that.
I am really sympathetic to the 'it's just a different way of being' ppoint of view & i respect every individual for the person that they are.
It's finding a way through so that we can live in harmony that i'm struggling with.
I have told him calmly bout my issues, but the result is generally that it sends him into a spin & he basically gets more stressed by me telling him as he is on the edge all the time as it is so any extra pressure causes further chaos or retreat.
When i read Ailsa's words: ' You sound a little like your grieving the life you thought you would be getting.',
that really struck a chord. MAde me burst into tears in fact (but i am 21 weeks pregnant too so that's not that unusual at the moment).
Will read the book - i read it years ago butwill have another go- i remember finding it pretty good at the time mainly for teaaching me to accept differences & i guess modify exectations. I wasn't reading it with my 'knowledge of ADD glassses then though'.
It is about me at the moment - he's getting some help & we are waiting for an appointment for CBT (although i can't help thinking other forms of therapy may be helpful - as i have said in other post relationship therapy specifically working with couples....why hasn't anyone realised the need??). The trouble is you don't get help on the NHS for being a partner , let alone the one with the condition.
Thanks again all.
One day next week i guess things will suddenly look different....
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Post by boo on Feb 20, 2011 13:13:41 GMT
have you tried putting some of this down in a letter?
i dont mean a pour everything out accusing letter, but something that you can note down as being a couple of the most difficult things you are trying to deal with. (as a starting point at least)
that way he gets a chance to absorb what you are saying to him without having the inevitable face to face reaction.... which almost certainly is a knee jerk reaction without too much thought going into it and if thats the case its gonna be a very defensive one
trouble is (speaking from my own personal experience here btw) once you have that initial reaction its very difficult to steer the conversation any other way at that moment in time and tends to spiral into a more and more defensive stand off....
if you do jot any of it down, try to keep it to how difficult you are finding it, not how difficult he is making it......
yes its probably one and the same, but just less inflamitory.....(many adhders have spent a lifetime on the defense and it can be very hard to get past that initial hurdle) but once you have opened up those lines of communication, you can hopefully build from there.
tbh, if you are walking on eggshells, its not fair, adhd or not, you shouldnt have to live like that and with a baby on the way, its all the more important to try and get some of these issues out on the table sooner rather than later.
as adhders we DO react without thinking at the time, and then we spend god knows how long chewing over whats been said and kicking ourselves for reacting like that AGAIN!
and then nothing really gets dealt with from the heart of the issue.... and round and round it goes....
sorry, i think i am possibly going to go off on a tangent or waffle on for england, so i am going to leave it there for now, except to say that emails could a good way to start this off... i know that may sound stupid and impersonal and not a very good way of communicating, but it can actually allow both sides to have their say without interuption and with time to think about what they are saying.... and hearing (reading)
good luck and take care
boo x
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Post by kakema on Feb 20, 2011 20:22:54 GMT
Hey, isam - didn't mean to make you feel bad that you'd made me feel bad! ;D
Boo's right - the letter approach, or even just heading for Relate and getting yourselves some professional support would be a good idea, to complement the ADHD support that your OH is getting. Having an independent person there to keep the conversation on track and stop it from getting overheated might be a good idea.
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Post by sherry on Feb 21, 2011 20:26:13 GMT
It's true we are a nightmare at times to be with, we do feel guilty, certainly I realise the effect I have on my other half. I do try to look after himas best I can and he has complete freedom to do as he pleases (last wife was a control freak). To be fair though he hasn't got ADHD and he is a pain too at times, especially when he expects me to remember his stuff too.
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