Sometimes I just hate myself

[Deleted]

Hi all
I have ADHD (diagnosed age 45).
I take Ritalin 60mgs a day, which is great for my concentration, but I don't get any other help. My doctor is nice but totally ignorant of my condition.
Okay so I get the "creative" bit in ADHD (which I am) but I am so impulsive, make stupid mistakes, and sometimes generally feel like such a pratt. Every time I say to myself "next time I won't do that" but every time the moment arises and I think something sounds like a great idea I go and put my foot in it, and create a big mess. I'm just so sick of it all. I just want to be "normal". I even get jealous of "normal" people sometimes which makes me even more fed up with myself.
Sorry, I just wanted a bit of a rant.
Cheers for listening
Jen

[roland]

Hi Zuzu,

I typed a long response to your rant, because it struck a chord with me, and then I lost it all because my login timed out, and now I can't remember everything I wrote, so next time I'll remember to pay attention to how long I've been logged in, except of course I won't. It's already happened to me four or so times, and will happen again. It's very annoying!

So yes, I wish I was 'normal' sometimes, but then at other times I'm glad I'm not.

Oh now I remember one of the things I said; my neighbours think I'm weird because I don't have the "normal" knick knacks in my house. For example on the chest in my hall, I have a roe deer skull (complete with antlers), a hare's skull, and a rabbit's skull, all picked up on my walks with my dog. In part they're there because I think it's funny when people see them for the first time, and clearly don't know how to react. You should have seen the vicar's face especially when I told him that I only bring out the human skull on hallowe'en. I don't think he really enjoyed his cup of tea after that, but I was inwardly chuckling!

So you see even though I want to be 'normal' sometimes; sometimes I have fun being different (even when it's only me that understands the joke)!

[pinkbeauty]

Roland, you can set yourself to be logged in forever and it never times out.

[roland]

Silly me! And it was there on the login page irght in front of my nose!

Thanks PB!!

[annie]

Me too!!!

I've written so many replies only to find I'm not logged in and have to start all over again - so so frustrating, but I could do worse things in life.

annie

PB I tend not to log in for too long in case someone comes on the board and I'm off doing something else and the other person thinks I'm ignoring their thread - is that logical!!?

[pinkbeauty]

It does and I know that I stay logged in and leave my pc on for hours and they may think the same but when you choose to stay logged in forever on the welcome page it doesn't mean that you always show up on here, when your pc's not on or your not on the web page you won't be online, its just when you click on the link to the forum it means you don't have to sign in everytime because your PC remembers you.

[Deleted]

Hi all
Thanks for the reply. Sometimes I am happy to be who I am, other times I get so agitated with myself. You'd think by my age I should be happy and at peace with myself, sometimes I am. I wish I would have known at an earlier age about my condition, maybe things might have been different, but then again life is too short for regrets.
I get anxious because although I have met thousands of people, from all walks of life, in my life I have not got any friends. I can't stay in touch with people, and I have lived in many different places. I find this weird, well I'm weird so I guess lots of stuff in my life is weird, also, I think other people are a bit wary of weird, maybe their little brains might explode if they got to understand or even just accept me.
There I go again, rambling on and on and on.....
Oh well I think I will just go and watch some Ricky Gervais, usually cheers me up.
Thanks again, everyone.
Jen

[Deleted]

Hello zuzu

I know it's an easy thing to say, but don't be too hard on yourself. We've had a lifetime of beating ourselves up about it.

From saying the 'wrong' thing at the wrong time (impulsivity), personally I think it's a case of saying the right thing at the wrong time. 9 times out of 10 everybody else is thinking it anyway, it's just that....we're the bumbling idiots who come right out and say it
(I use the term 'idiots' endearingly )
So in that respect we are catalysts for change. And to be honest, many people secretly like us for it.

When I think back about the many times I have said something to someone in a group situation, or face to face, and it's been one of those really deep and close to the bone statements, comments, or opinions. The kind where, a deadly silence falls, tumble-weeds come rolling across the floor, and the darts player misses the board for the first time in 20 years. Well I find more often than not those people who were the 'victims' of your truth arrow, are the ones who quietly approach you after all the fuss has died down to talk about the issue with you in a friendly & constructive manner.
But then on the other hand, I don't know why my nose hasn't been flattened many times over by now... lol

Which brings me to another thing, is it just me or do people like us have an uncanny ability of just coming up smelling of roses every time we find ourselves up to the buffers in the proverbial brown stuff?

Like we can just waltz through life with a smile on our faces and a straw hanging from our mouths, leaving carnage and destruction in our wake along with a lot of frustrated and bewildered people left scratching their heads and cursing our very existence.

On the subject of regrets zuzu, you right, life is too short. When I started the process of learning about myself in regards to AD/HD, I quickly came to realize that those accumulated regrets I had about myself, through years of trying to live a 'normal' life, quickly fell away. Along with the guilt & shame I carried around with me.

Here's a short video of nice lady from new zealand I came across talking about this issue, and I could relate to her straight away.

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ASfNO9Dmtbs


AD/HD isn't an excuse for our behavior, it's the reason for our behavior. Don't feel bad about the aspects of yourself that you don't like. If you don't like them, change them, if you can't change them, manage them.

Around 9 years ago now, I remember an incident that happened. Fueled by beer, and in a moment of sheer stupid impulsivity, I climbed out of my friends 4th story tower block window and hung by my finger tips, dangling in the wind with nothing but fresh air and a long drop below me. It wasn't anything to do with suicide. But a kind of wanting to overcome a fear of heights. The beer gave me the confidence to go outside my comfort zone and hang there for a moment on a thread, I felt calm & peaceful.
Stupid, yes. Impulsive, crazy, yes. Many times have I thought back, about that incident. But besides it making my knees knock thinking about it, I also felt guilt & shame about it. What if I had slipped, what about my poor wife, and my family. Imagine their pain and loss had I have been killed. Over and over and over... Why do I do these stupid things?
That was before I knew about the AD/HD, and the tendency for risk taking. My past behavior does not surprise me for one minute in light of this. I was, head down, body tilted into the wind, and full on
Just knowing what AD/HD is, I can now learn to manage those potentially damaging aspects of my personality. Needless to say I have freed and am freeing my self from the anxiety of past mistakes... I hope you can too

For those small-minded, ignorant people who think we're weird, one phrase I have used to defend myself from them is "F**K'em". If they can't be bothered to meet you on common ground and try, just a little bit to understand what AD/HD is, and the person with it, then they are probably not worth knowing anyway. I used to want to be liked, and understood by 'normal' people, to the point where I would become a self-effacing goofbag... not anymore.

So I'm gonna stop apologizing for rambling on too and just accept it and work on it.

I can't speak about the meds yet Jen has I have no experience with them. But I hear it's possible to up dose or change to something else if you feel there not working for you? others will know.

Anyway best wishes Jen

Craig

[Deleted]

Thanks Craig
That made me laugh (not the bit about you hanging out of a window, that would just be sick!).
Trouble with me is I have a husband (who's lovely) who has aspergers and two years ago I was struck with a spinal cord condition as well, which means I can't physically go out to work, lost much of my independence and walk like I'm drunk (promise I'm not). Not to be defeated I am currently in the process of designing my own psychedelic greeting card range and just started a counseling and psychotherapy course which I am determined to finish, unlike my last 2 attempts at a University Degree course (that was before diagnosed ADHD).
I can focus more now with Ritalin so I am hoping that everything sort of goes according to plan.
I don't want anyone to think I am moaning about my situation, I know that there are people far worse off than me and you are right, sometimes I am so hard on myself and should ease off the self criticism. Sometimes it seems like my internal whip is always cracking.
Anyway, thanks for your response, your humor is just like mine.
Jen

[Deleted]

Wow, a triple whammy, you got my my sympathies mate!

Good that you have the creativity to get lost in though...... random connection just popped into mind: Article about AD/HD and creativity www.underconsideration.com/speakup/archives/002255.html


I hope it goes well for you with the Ritalin, I can't imagine doing a degree. I tried putting myself through a few college courses over the years, but my inability to stay on task, and the disorganized I dealt with it, meant it was doomed to failure. If I can get the right medication for me, I would love to have another crack at it!

You will have to link some of your finished card designs if you feel happy doing that, maybe on picasa or something like that. I'd be interested to see them. I have some finished and un-finished artwork I'd like to put up for comment sometime.


And you didn't come across moaning ;D

Take care

[Deleted]

Hi Craig
If you let me know your email address I can share my Picasa Web Album, it has most of my designs on there.
Jen

[Deleted]

Ooooh I've just figured it out:

picasaweb.google.com/jenward000/Greetings?authkey=sFPShX1KXyQ#

All my designs!
Hope you like them
Jennifer

[Deleted]

PM'd you before I saw your link ;D

[Deleted]

WOW Jen

How did you make them? or is that a trade secret? ;D
I found myself get completely lost in some of them. The colors and intricacy are amazing, I bet they look great as cards.

The patterns and colours remind me of some of this guys stuff, maybe you've seen it before?

Alex gray, his website: www.alexgrey.com/


Nice work anyway, keep it up. I'll post a link whenever I can put something of mine up.

Craig

[Deleted]

Hi Craig
Glad you like them, I create the patterns on my computer with a fractal design program and then I kaleidoscope them with another graphic program. I tell you I can go all day doing this and not eat or anything, I get sooooo addicted to creating them.
;D
Thanks for the great comments
Jennifer

[Deleted]

I just read your original post and all I can say is that I most definitely understand how you feel because I feel EXACTLY the same. I just looked at your Picasa web album, it's brilliant!

Louise

[Deleted]

Thanks Louise
That is so nice of you to say that about my designs, I'm just started out on my greeting card venture and positive feedback like that means a lot.
Thanks for empathizing as well, although it feels like poo feeling like that, I know I am not on my own.
I also have big problems with my temper, I think I get so impatient sometimes and when I am working any distraction gets me soooo mad. I also think it's weird that I jump a lot (not literally) but when I am doing something that is interesting to me or even when I am just lost in thought and my husband comes into the room, I jump out of my skin with fright, I can feel my heart pumping, it is so strange.
Anyway, thanks again and email me anytime, I am usually on my computer.
Take care
Jennifer

[Deleted]

Has anyone eveer been prescribed Epilim Chrono. I started taking the meds and they had a profound effect, for the first time things were quiet and I found out what it means to go to sleep at night and wake up the next morning. However I have struggled to take them and despite few issues convincing my mum, I don't take them, I just dont feel like me.

Sometimes I wished I did take them because I get tired of being me, it can be relentless inside my head. I do like myself but sometimes... I know meds make my life easier but..