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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2008 21:48:44 GMT
Firstly many thanks to Roland for this section.. thanks Roland you beauty! ;D Hello to all who might land in this bit... I have lived with my husband for a chaotic, crazy, nerve-wracking, bewildering but, at times, fun and very loving 20 years. It's been a white knuckle ride at times. We've muddled along all this time and I feel things have got steadily worse over the last few years. I found his behaviour so confusing. I thought he suffered from depression as he would get regular down days and he didn't know why. However, in addition, he was and is ..irritable, quick tempered, (sometimes the slightest remark could send him in to a rage in a split second), and those rages... have you seen The Incredible Hulk? : "you won't like me when I'm angry" ...very scary...emotional, disorganised, unable to focus or conversely, able to focus for hours on end to the exclusion of all else... including me ... always procrastinating, always late, house like a bomb site with things unfinished.. (plaster partly pulled off of the computer room/tiny box room! wall revealing bare brick which has needed plastering for more than two years!), offending people.. the things he's said!... very direct ...misconstruing people's meaning sometimes, very sensitive, reckless... impulsive...can't go to sleep on a night can't get up on a morning ... the list goes on.. Having said that! he is an extremely kind, compassionate, caring person.. ability to feel great empathy for others.. do anything for anyone in need..I've always thought of him as a person of pure intention which he is...he's quirky, funny, very creative, (brilliant artist and really good at practical things and most things he turns his hand to..except maths!).. very genuine and open... a loving and lovely person .. a real contrast ..someone so gentle with the capacity for such rage! (I think the beast emerges when he feels misunderstood.. and if alcohol is in the equation.. run for cover...) still, you've got to love him! immensely likeable , you see, but with no friends left Anyway, about 6 weeks ago he discovered about ADD on the internet when searching the term: "am I lazy?" after several comments from different people about getting up late.. What a revelation that was... when he said for me to come and look at what he'd found , it blew me away.. all those stories that could have been written by him.. they were his story and our story .. to the minutest detail.. the parallels were undeniable and still are... and so, an explanation for all these years... this knowledge, for me, has been a relief but also very emotional... i'm not sure how I've felt at times..cried quite a bit.. felt anxious... and then elated.. it's been mad! But, I have to say, many resentments and frustrations have fallen away in the light of this. I've felt a lot of despair and heartache over the years... not spoken about it to friends or anyone.. I've felt in recent years a state of chronic anxiety (and still do) .. felt bad about myself like I was this controlling, nagging, boring busybody/kill joy... I think I perhaps had become that as a way of coping..but that's not the real me, I'm actually quite a giddy kipper! ;D but been so unhappy at times and have felt terribly isolated... it's mad speaking like this ... this is the first time I've spoken about my feelings to anyone in many, many years.. I haven't even told my husband the full truth of how I've felt for fear of rocking the boat.. i can't believe I'm putting it on an internet forum! something I've never done.. still, sometimes, you absolutely need other people and I'm so glad you're here.. it feels a safe and kind place to be .. thanks well, i think i'll have to leave it at that for now.. i don't have the ability to hyperfocus like some people! he he come in if you feel like a chat.. they're lovely people here and it's good to talk kind regards, Di
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Post by Nutty on Oct 22, 2008 22:11:42 GMT
Hi Di,
I can really feel for you because I also have been married for over 20 years to someone with ADHD, and she is the most compassionate, loving person who feels empathy for all sorts of people. But things can be really frustrating at times because of her impulsiveness and fast changing emotional states so I don't always feel I'm in sync with her interests and demands.
Sometimes I get so frustrated that I've ended up losing my temper and acted in a way that later I didn't like, and sometimes it's difficult to talk about it with my wife because she's already upset. But the good thing about adhd is that she soon forgets and doesn't hold a grudge, and doesn't stay angry for long.
Anyway, its great to hear that there are other people who experience this and that there's now a place on the forum where we can talk.
Cheers Nutty
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2008 23:19:06 GMT
hey! hello nutty thanks for your reply ... so good to make connections.. and share experiences.. I feel such relief.. It feels like a light's been switched on after many years of stumbling about in the darkness.. very illuminating.. We have had some horrendous arguments, almost coming to blows sometimes.. but, like your wife, he doesn't bear grudges and, more often than not, he is quick to make up (unless he's in the blackest of rages when it is impossible to reach him). I was feisty too in my twenties but my temper has quietened down whereas his hasn't. My frustration has got the better of me at times and I do remember an incident (many years ago) when he was in bed one morning having failed to go in to work for the umpteenth time. His employer phoned up to find out where he was, I answered the phone and tried to get him to take the call but he wouldn't and just stayed huddled under the covers. After repeated pleas and no answer from him, I just lost it. And so ... I hit him on the back of his head with the telephone receiver.. oops... well, that got his attention! He promptly jumped out of bed and ripped the telephone line out of the wall.. yikes! And then, all out war! I mean, I'm chuckling about it now but, of course, it wasn't funny at the time and, for my part, it's not a course of action I would recommend. I'm not a violent person.. honest.. just human. So, there have been many occasions when I've behaved in ways I didn't like, in response to his behaviour. His behaviour has upset and confused him and he has beaten himself up about the things he's done... I don't think I realised quite how low his self-esteem had become until we've talked a lot about things recently. He has suffered a lot emotionally .. anyway, the good news is he did forgive me for the phone incident.. but then there was the incident with the key ... but that's another story... anyway, i feel uncommonly cheerful tonight.. i think it's this forum .. it does things to be people.. warm wishes nutty Di
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Post by annie on Oct 23, 2008 6:33:08 GMT
Hi Diane
Welcome to the forum. What a wonderful partner you are! Obviously you have the ability to see beyond the "behaviour" to the many positive qualities your husband has. Not many have that ability.
Look forward to hearing and helping you both get a positive outcome
Annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 23, 2008 21:07:37 GMT
Hello Annie, Thanks a lot for that .. I'm not a bad old stick... but Craig might tell you different It's reassuring to know you're there if we need help and advice. I am a bit anxious about the process of seeking a diagnosis. I think one of my biggest concerns is not being believed somehow. Having said that, we have a nice doctor.. very warm, doesn't rush you off. In fact, I suppose he knows me quite well. We usually end up yacking about travelling and he is always insisting I must go visit India which is where he's from. I'm sure he will remember Craig although he's not had cause to see him for many years now. Hope our doc has some knowledge of ADD.. but then perhaps that's expecting too much? Anyway, at least he's kind and approachable and I think it will be easier for Craig to get out everything he wants to say. (I will go with him and will chip in if I think it will help... although Craig might have to put a muzzle on me... ...I want him to have a chance to express how he feels without me butting in too much). So, little steps... thanks again Annie (and all) for your support... it is greatly appreciated Warm wishes, Di
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2008 13:44:44 GMT
Hi I'm new here and am currently at work so cant write too much. I just wanted to way that I read your post Diane with tears streaming down my face (and I'm at work!). Some of it was like reading parts of my life.... I have been with a wonderful chap called Peter for 8 years. He has always known he was different and has had so much shit in his life to deal with. He was diagnosed nearly a year ago and yes it was a relief to know that there was a reason for some of the difficulties he has had through his life. Anyway, I could totally relate to all the emotions and the roller coaster ride-but I know that I love him more each day for all the personal strength and honesty he has shown. He is one of the most incredible people I know. I will be back, but for now...I'm glad I have found this site and hope to speak some more very soon. Alison
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Post by annie on Oct 31, 2008 16:17:46 GMT
Hi Stinky
What an unusual name!! Welcome to the forum. Really pleased to hear your partner got a dx - it is just so difficult for adults.
We are trying to build up a list of Dr's who have an interest and are willing to dx adhd in adulthood. I wondered if you felt able to share that information with us. Don't worry if you don't want to do that - it's fine.
I know several adults who have adhd and without exception they are very loyal, very funny and extremely creative - all qualities you would want in a friend
annie
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2008 16:58:10 GMT
Hello Alison, Thanks so much for your post..I'm glad you found this site and me I know it's very emotional to read people's stories. I felt the same when we first found this site. I was usually choked up by about the second sentence.. and my husband Craig was too. The fact that so many people have experienced and continue to experience the same things as we have still blows me away. Craig went to the doctors last Monday. This doctor has been at our surgery a long time so I do know him and have seen him on a number of occasions. However, he is not our lovely regular doctor (the one I mentioned before) ..apparently, he is on long-term leave and they don't know when he will return. So, that was our first disappointment. We went to see this other doctor who was pleasant and attentive and appeared sympathetic. However, when we mentioned ADD he said there is nothing for adults with ADD..meaning there are no services that deal with it. I asked about out-of-area referrals and he said that, for problems to do with mental health, they can't refer out of the area. He also said it was a two or three year waiting list to see a psychologist! In the end, he referred us to the local mental health team but only to see a community psychiatric nurse. He said that would be 3/4 weeks. With hindsight, it seems like we've been fobbed off and I think we should have been more demanding and insisted on a referral to a ADHD specialist. However, we were so nervous going to see the doctor anyway. It was a big deal for Craig.. he hasn't been to the doctors for anything in 14 years. So, we are now gearing ourselves up for the next step of going back to see the doctor.. I know you're at work at the moment so it's difficult for you to write.. but, when you've got more time, would you mind telling me how your husband got diagnosed and how you found out about ADD, etc. Thanks If we had the money, he would go for a private consultation at one of the specialist clinics in the UK. However, we've no money and we have just about exhausted all available credit. We're in the situation where we are about to starting writing to our bank to tell them we can't meet the loan payments.... been down this road before and I never thought that we would be in this situation again... ah well... not to worry... I'm making a conscious effort to do just that .. Well, I'm sat at home in our downstairs back room ..among piles of boxes of things to go to car boot/ charity.. they were sorted two months ago... oh dear... i did take some things to charity shop this week, so that's a start I feel the same way about Craig as you do about Pete.. he's a great person.. infuriating and endearing at the same time.. often don't know whether to kiss him or strangle him.. fortunately, have never settled upon the latter... he he . we've had some very dark times .. it almost reached crisis point in May this year and, for the first time, I seriously thought that I wouldn't be able to continue living with him. I was so upset, felt absolutely wretched and inconsolable.. almost like a point had been passed inside myself.. I think it's called being at the end of your rope! I even contemplated just disappearing.. me and our two dogs in Craig's van.. yeah right... I don't know where I thought I'd go... although I did fancy Cornwall... ;D Anyway, things have felt a bit better since finding out about ADD.. for both of us.. and finding this forum has been so fantastic.. a life-saver really. We've still got lots of challenges to face but I'm cautiously optimistic about the future!.. I think I've always been a cautious optimist Take care Alison, great to hear from you Warm wishes Di
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Post by Deleted on Nov 3, 2008 22:03:33 GMT
Hi again to anyone out there!
Since my first (and only!) post, I have told my partner about the site and he said he would post about how he got his diagnosis as soon as he can put thoughts down onto paper (he is a perfectionist so could be a little while...). Watch this space.
Anyhow, it has been a bad day today because I kept Pete up half the night snoring, we argued and now we've not spoken all night (I said something horrible as usual as a knee jerk reaction at 4am!).
Hopefully tomorrow will be another day...seems to come with territory, the emotional rollercoaster...but then if I didnt snore like a foghorn I wouldnt be in this position!! The lesson being that all situations take two and ADD or not, we must all take our fare share of blame when we screw up.
What I was wondering was whether there are any groups that meet up at all for support. There was one group meeting advertised to meet in London but i'm not sure if it is still running?
Take it easy
Alison
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Post by pinkbeauty on Nov 3, 2008 22:30:59 GMT
Hi Alison, sorry I can't offer any advice on the snoring!! I have to put up with it from my dog!!! Anyway, here's the link to the London meeting joyfivolous.googlepages.com/homeAs you'll see it meets tomorrow, first Tuesday of every month, details are on the website if you click the link. PB
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Post by AlisonStinky on Nov 3, 2008 23:47:02 GMT
Thanks PB for the prompt reply. Will look into that. I'm off to bed now with nose peg at the ready! ;D If I haven't already said it, thanks again to all of you who set this site up-it really is wonderful to be able to speak to other people in the same or similar situations. I have been hunting the web for ages and was overwhelmed to finally discover you "guys". Incidentally, was reading the posts about the pending media coverage-it is just so typical and soooo infuriating! It is always the same when it comes to adult "problems"- we are the responsible ones and should just be able to "get on with it". As much as the barriers are coming down, there is still so much ignorance. These people fail to realise that the children who have been diagnosed are the "lucky" ones. They might just a get a fair chance to succeed in life and get the help they desperately need in order to develop coping strategies for the years to come. Its the suffers who are now adults, who have literally stumbled through life as best they can and who have probably under achieved for the best part of their life, who deserve as much a part of any media coverage. Anyway, I'll get off my soap box now and go to bed! Alison P.s- Stinky is my nickname given to me by Peter - I dont know why as I wash regularly!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2008 11:36:31 GMT
children who get diagnosed may be the lucky ones, but don't forget they grow into adults. this is where all their problems start as the "specialists" (or still a lot of them) believe that adhd switches off and goes away on their 18th birthday. all the help that has been available suddenly dissapears at this time and then the fight starts to continue treatment. that is where this sight comes in so useful, you get to find out what is available to adults with adhd and how it affects them.
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Post by roland on Nov 4, 2008 14:27:13 GMT
Welcome to the board Alison!!
I'm looking forward to hearing from Pete as to how he got his diagnosis.
Hi Di,
I'm sorry to hear that your appointment with the doctor did not go well, because that's so frustrating and annoying.
There are some NHS doctors and NHS clinics for adults with ADHD, so I'm wondering what region you live in (and apologies if you've already told us in anther post), because maybe we can suggest someone when you go back to demand a referral to an adult ADHD specialist.
We can also give you a reading list to give to that doctor to help educate him about adhd and the referral process. Did the doctor give a reason as to why they can't refer out of area?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2008 20:37:31 GMT
Hi Di,
I have been meaning to reply to your initial thread for so long that at this point it may seem like I have missed the moment but these sentiments are just as I would have posted had i not been out of the loop doing some hand holding for a friend whose mum with awful alziemers was trying v hard to get off the bus........ destination now reached......
anyway I just wanted to say how moving I found your posting of the experience of the partner of an adder. it really opened my eyes to the fact of really how lucky I am and by extension Craig and Peter are to have wonderful people who stick around for the good times when the not so good times are not so flash.
Thankyou for posting and for singing the song of the unsung heros. where it not for the likes of you the likes of me would have the balifs at the door while money was in the bank, half the local library by the bed, 10% of the tool box in each room in the house and a bicycle pump in the kitchen which reminds me that i must really put that back in the shed!
anyway Di, I just wanted to reply to your post and say how much it was appreciated. I really hope that Craig manages to get seen by the right person. it should not be such a massive battle but it seems that it is. if you have not got a bone poking out of your skin or blood all over the place you have to wait patiently. After all, you have waited for 35+ years so what is a bit longer....... except each minute is like a leaden hour when you realise something could be done to sort things out a bit.
Hang in there both of you!
tom
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2008 23:53:32 GMT
Hello Tom, Your post really touched me.. thanks so much. Your words were so kind and encouraging.. and they made me smile .. see.. ;D Sorry to hear about your friend's Mum.. Alzheimer's is awful .. my Mum died of it 7 years ago (after 10 years of suffering).. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.. I'm sure you were an immense comfort to your friend.. you see, that's why non-ADD partners stick with ADD partners: because (eccentric and scary behaviours aside ) you are some of the most wonderful people on the planet. Craig found some good news which Roland (thanks Roland!) had posted up about the South West Yorkshire Mental Health Trust (our area!) ... he's received a reply to say they've got funding and are recruiting ADHD specialists. ;D ;D ;D Yeah.....!!!!! Hopefully, this will herald an upturn in our fortunes Thanks again for your post buddy ... you've cheered me up no end.. and now must go to bed.. work tomorrow.. good luck with everything yourself! Warm wishes, Di P.S. Hi Roland, as you see above, we have promising news from our mental health trust thanks to your good selves (doc said couldn't refer out of area due to funding) P.P.S. hello all P.P.P.S. Tom... put that bike pump in the shed
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