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Post by Millie21 on May 24, 2011 22:40:29 GMT
Hi there this is my first time on these boards, hoping i can get some advice on how to deal with one thing in particular i find hard to deal with in my ADHD boyfriend He's 32, was diagnosed 3 years ago, takes Ritalin and had a year and a half of coaching to get to grips with the condition and issues that he has had to deal with, and we've been together for a year and a half. I knew of the ADHD when we got together but didnt really know what it involved, just thought he was a bit hyper sometimes and talked a lot! He is a very creative, self employed, very intelligent, lovely guy, very attentive and loving to me...but yes i do have to deal with the easily distracted, restless traits, the not so good time keeping, the 'cant tear him away from his work/computer' issues etc etc which does raise the odd problem, sometimes a bit of anger and tears but we continue to work on it, i think any relationship can encounter these anyway! But the one thing i need advice on is his excessive talking, whether he telling me a story, we discussing a certain topic, but mainly its his work. Sometimes we can be on the phone for half an hour, an hour, or longer and ive hardly gotten a word in, im just listening and agreeing. And when i try to input to the conversation i only get a couple of sentences in and i get interrupted for him to talk again. Its like he just doesnt know when to stop and there is only so much i can take and i start to get agitated. I try to tell him in a nice way we need to 'wrap this conversation up' or 'turn the conversation round' somehow but it seems to offend him or he agrees but keeps on talking and i just dont know how else to do it without telling him im actually getting bored! Sometimes ive gotten angry which is not cool but ive said i need to go, i need to go but he has to get to the end of the conversation and cant go until he's gotten to the end in his head, if you know what i mean? Rant over....but does anyone have any advice, or have similar experiences of how to deal with the excessive talking? because none of the books ive delved into yet cover how to! Look forward to hearing some of you
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Post by boo on May 24, 2011 23:13:53 GMT
hi there millie nice to meet you in truth i dont know the simple answer, what might work for 1 person, will be way off the mark with another, and as someone who tends to zone out from peoples conversations anyway and then bombard them with my own when i am on a roll, its not probably good advice if its gonna come from me but when he talks 'at' you like that, do you notice whether he actually does need you to be listening...... sometimes i am so caught up in what i am saying (over and over.... yep relating to that that just having my OH there is enough.... the fact that he has been busy watching tv/tidying up/nodding occasionally can be enough. i dont usually need advice or feedback, sometimes its just leakage from all the thoughts going round in my head, they need to go somewhere and unfortunatey, sometimes when they start to leak.... i have noticed that sometimes my OH needs to make the tea or run a bath and says 'back in a minute' at these times....... coincidence??..... i'll let you decide ;D
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 1:15:21 GMT
you could try something that you know would excite his interest. like say something/suggest to do something that you know he'd like and then he'll forget what he was saying because what you're saying is more interesting. that's basically what you have to do. you have to distract him (which shouldn't be too hard lol) with something that's more interesting than what he's currently on about.
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Post by millie21 on May 25, 2011 7:42:22 GMT
hi guys thanks for the replies boo - thats interesting about 'the leakage' coming from all the thoughts, he's never really said that that may be whats going on (i havent really approached it to be honest, i thought it would be rude or offend him) and i have noticed that sometimes when the conversation is for example about work and some difficulties he may be having, when i try to offer answers or advice he tells me he doesnt want me to provide answers, just to listen. I thought it was the right thing to to do, offer advice when someone is having a hard time, but obviously not him hehe. And yes its easier when we are in the same place for me to go make some tea or something (while he still talks!) but because we live apart and talk on the phone every day its harder to get away haha but thanks for pointing out the point that when 'leakage' starts it has to go somewhere...i understand a bit better now cookie monster - hmm when he's in mid flow and deep in whatever he's talking about its VERY difficult to distract him funnily enough...he HAS to finish what he's saying, however long it takes him but i will keep trying any other advice/stories very welcome!
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Post by Deleted on May 25, 2011 8:38:50 GMT
Hi Millie:
It took me years and years to realise that I couldn't stop talking at people and that the glazed looks that people gave me in response were not actually encouraging signs for me to continue with whichever endless polemic I was in the middle of!
Cookiemonster's point about awakening an interest resonated with me in terms of finally discovering that most esoteric of concepts: listening skills. At the time I was doing counselling training and although I didn't follow counselling through (thankfully) I found the concept of listening to people became a fascinating challenge!
It was was a novelty thing at first (!) but I gradually started to realise just how much verbal diarrhoea I had been capable of producing. Coming up for air during a conversation became a real goal and having tried everything, including gaffa-taping my mouth, I became aware of the fact that other people had loads of interesting things to tell me about! I discovered dialogues were an interesting alternative to monologues!
I'm still struggling to pull back on talking to much but I'm so pleased my imagination saw the potential in examining the concept of listening skills!
As boo noted, it can be hard to find the right individualised approach. Good luck with finding an appropriate technique to help your boyfriend.
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Post by boo on May 25, 2011 19:21:12 GMT
yeah not so easy to get away on a phone call..... i dont use the phone for chats so i dont really have anything i am able to relate it to in my own life.
i am assuming that you have chatted about this and he is just unable to put into practice trying to do the listening bit, which can be very hard once the gushing starts.
i really do get what you mean about getting to the end of whats in his head, and for an adhder, the internal conversations can be tenfold of what actually comes out verbally, so you can imagine perhaps just how jam-packed it all gets at times
it sounds like you have tried to let him know, and he has said he realises this, but cant seem to identify when he starts doing it and then once he is mid flow if you cut him short i guess he feels like you dont care.... (at that instant moment in time at least)
......but the plus side is, he wont think that for long, cos we have short memories on upsets aswell ;D
gotta dash, but will post again if i can think of anythng more useful x
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Post by Millie21 on May 25, 2011 22:59:31 GMT
thanks again guys : )
Monopod - yes thats interesting about the listening part, but approaching that with him feels like a massive step ahead of what im trying to do at the moment! Maybe one step at a time for me just now, but im gonna remember what you've said so thanks : )
Boo - im glad you are understanding what im saying, its really helpful to hear. Maybe you will relate to this?!.... Sooooo...up came an opportunity on the phone today, where he was starting to launch into a conversation we discussed a lot over the weekend (just general work and friends chat) but i could tell that it could probably turn out to be a long one, with a lot of repeating the story and explanations (and i was working from home today and reeeally didnt have the time to do that at that point in the day!) so i reminded him, in the nicest way i could, that we'd already discussed a lot of what he was saying and that now wasnt really a good time to go into it all again, and that i really didnt want to (THIS is where i dont know thr right thing to say!)......and he got angry....saying that i may as well just hang up the phone if im gonna want to cut him off like that. I tried to explain to him that i didnt mean to offend him, i was trying to explain nicely, and brought up that this was something we needed to talk about...i explained a little how i was feeling about it. But he got angry and upset saying that we'd talked about it before (we have briefly and he gave me some printed out sheets to read), i should already know how his brain works, and that he cat help having 'mental problems' (which is something i never label him with) and that pointing out these things (the excessive talking) is not what he wants because its one of the things its taken him years to come to terms with, and that he's battled with and is very self conscious of. Then i felt bad.
So yeah, this was the perfect example of what i need to know how to deal with : )
We will chat about it face to face hopefully...
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Post by dizzydumpling on May 25, 2011 23:56:33 GMT
Hi Millie21, I can so identify with this problem from both sides of the fence, because like the guys previously I'm also guilty of this, but I have an 8 year old who does it too & he drives me nuts with it (although half the time I just switch off - not sure what that says about my parenting! : I think when I'm doing it, it's the 'leaking' thing like Boo said, but I think it's also how I untangle thoughts and clarify things in my own head - it's like I can only make them clear if I do it out loud and 'run it by' someone first. However, although I feel annoyed at my partner when he doesn't pay attention, I know that I don't really need him to listen, as it's my psychological need to feel that my thoughts/ideas have been acknowledged, validated and made concrete in some way - there's no 'actual' reason for him to listen, because even if he does give me his input I usually disagree with it anyway. It's actually a very selfish habit, but I don't know how else to deal with it. I do talk to myself a lot, and often have a rather annoying internal monologue going. Having said that, when my partner politely asks me to give it a rest, I usually do, as it's just not fair to bombard him with my crazy thoughts the moment he gets in from work and for the rest of the evening thereafter! I don't know what the answer is - my partner puts up with it for so long and then, like someone else said, goes off and does something else - or else just says 'I'm knackered, will you shut up & let me watch the telly now'. I have found that I've enjoyed having a counsellor to offload at once a week - I know I can run any crazy sh*t past her and babble away to my heart's content for an hour. Otherwise , I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions, apart from perhaps explaining how much it wears you down - could you show him this? Or would he flip? Might help him see that a. he's not the only one that does it, and b. even other babblers like him think he should try & give you a break! ;D What about setting aside time specifically for him to offload about work? Maybe suggesting that you put aside a certain time after dinner each evening for an hour or something just to get stuff off his chest...but that after that he agrees to give you a break. Also like Monopod said - throw him a shiny thing to put him off his stride...show him pictures of Kylie Minogue on Youtube or something! (Well that would work for my other half!!) Anyway - good luck with things. I hate to sound cheesy, but hopefully lurve will see you both through it!
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Post by dizzydumpling on May 26, 2011 0:13:26 GMT
Sorry Millie - just realised that you said you live apart - makes things harder (head like a bloody sieve...sorry!) You could try keeping a pair of saucepan lids by the phone and just bang 'em together down the receiver when he gets too carried away ;D (sorry - too much seriousness & I get a flippant backlash : We incessant babblers do appreciate our patient partners you know - just don't always show it.
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Post by boo on May 26, 2011 6:46:30 GMT
haha dizzy, i was gonna suggest a referee's whistle down the phone ;D and my lad does this to me majorly..... less as he has got older, he is 16, so he mostly lives in his room nowadays, but when he does, i forgt about being on the recieving end of it and how wearing it can be from a recipients point of view millie, i cant help notice on your last post the bit where he got angry and you felt bad for me, i know i am quick to rise and can be just as quick to move on, and i dont know if this is the same for your b/f personally, i think if there is any part of relationship where one partner is regularly walking on eggshells for any reason, and apologising constantly for repeat behaviours on either side, it needs tackling, as i say, this is purely my take on things in life and i am in no way trying to dish out advice on what you should do i know where he is coming from about the confidence and being very self conscious, it can really kill any self esteem over the years, but by the same token, it doesnt give me the right to override the fact that my partner has his emotional needs too, and that they are as important as mine, different maybe, but just as important. me and my OH have had some hum-dingers over the years on mis-understandings, he has said some stuff without truly understanding how he was effectively re-inforcing all the shitty beliefs i had about myself, but then i also had to meet half way and try and not take everything he said so sensitively, and sometimes i needed to wind my neck in and not jump at him simply because i was already tuned to hearing this sort of thing.....and really was on the defence before he even opened his mouth...... almost like an old habit i couldnt break..... i dont know if any of that last part made sense to you? i hope so x do you think he would be up for joining these boards? as dizzy suggested... it can really help ........ take care, boo xx
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Post by kakema on May 26, 2011 20:56:27 GMT
I talk too much too.
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Post by Millie21 on May 26, 2011 22:51:22 GMT
boo - yes that last part DID make sense, total sense ;) sounds really familiar! I'm not perfect either and im really defensive when it comes to issues of my own...so we both as bad as each other really! But thankfully he is quite good at getting me to look at the way i act, because im prrrrretty sensitive and i do snap or retreat into myself quite a lot. And we are quite aware there are things to be worked on on both sides, as in any relationship! And I dont want to mention these boards to him, id like to do this in private to kinda get advice for myself for now :)
Dizzy Dumpling - He has said before what you say about just needing your thoughts acknowledged and validated...and yeah, when i have offered advice he doesnt want it usually, just like you said! Even though reading what you've said has jogged my memory of how his brain may work, i find it hard to remember this every day that its his condition (because as ive said i never think of him as someone with 'mental problems') and not just find it a little annoying! Maybe i will use the saucepan lids hehe
And yeah i have no doubt he cares for me....i think i just need to educate myself more on ADHD, be able to talk openly about it with him and be able to ask questions. I guess its not something he wants to be reminded of all the time, but just as he was not naturally equipped to be the only person to take on ALL my problems and emotions when i was going through a bout of depression, i am not naturally equipped to be able to deal with some of the things that come up with ADHD. right?
Education and communication me thinks :)
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Post by dizzydumpling on May 26, 2011 23:43:28 GMT
, but just as he was not naturally equipped to be the only person to take on ALL my problems and emotions when i was going through a bout of depression, i am not naturally equipped to be able to deal with some of the things that come up with ADHD. right? Absolutely! But you're doing your best and that's all anyone can do! :) Also IMHO, his ADHD might explain and even, to some extent, excuse certain things about him that are difficult for you to handle, but it doesn't excuse him not making any effort to address the issue at all. I'm not saying he does this as I don't know anything about him, but I do know that since discovering that ADHD is most probably at the root of my own problems, I've been far less inclined to keep a lid on my annoying behaviour, and I'm fighting the little demon inside that feels like letting it all burst out before whinging "but I can't help it.......!" ::)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2011 18:53:30 GMT
your man sounds exactly like myself, I just don't stop talking either & it drives people mad. I often repeat myself too because I zone in & out of conversations easily forget what's been said. I talk for hours & get jaw ache!
I'm not on medication but I know alcohol keeps me quiet I just get tired & can't even string a sentence together. It slows me down but unfortunately I rarely drink so not helpful 24/7!!!
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Post by phil on Jul 6, 2011 7:47:42 GMT
woman ;D most women moan about there partners not paying them anough attention or not talking to them! ;D you could tell him straight that his constant chatting is doing you're head in
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Post by ChaosLily on Jul 6, 2011 11:25:03 GMT
I had my serious head on...then this... Classic Tena moment Both my daughter and I talk incessantly at each other. Actually my sister does too... We tend to say things like 'yeah yeah, get there quicker' or 'when's the interesting bit?' or 'bored now...skip a bit' - thankfully it's all done and taken in good spirits and, more importantly, it (usually) works! It does sound rude though :/
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2011 12:32:44 GMT
We tend to say things like 'yeah yeah, get there quicker' or 'when's the interesting bit?' or 'bored now...skip a bit'! It does sound rude though :/ Not 'alf missus! p.s. phnaar phnaar
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Post by ChaosLily on Jul 6, 2011 14:46:41 GMT
We tend to say things like 'yeah yeah, get there quicker' or 'when's the interesting bit?' or 'bored now...skip a bit'! It does sound rude though :/ Not 'alf missus! p.s. phnaar phnaar Hahahahahahaha!! Can't believe me of all people missed that!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 11:28:18 GMT
Millie - I actually think that you're demonstrating a hell of a lot of patience. i know partly that you're here out of frustration, but you're also willing to learn about ADHD and that's amazing. Your bf is very lucky to have someone who wants to understand the challenges that are presented by ADHD and therefore not judge him on things that are not really his fault. Which leads me to.....
I am not meaning to criticise him (have a lot of sympathy with him) but having done this to a partner myself, I also have to say the following:
You're listening to his incessant talking, and also to the reasons behind it. He is NOT listening to your life/concerns in the same way, and he's not listening to your frustrations. ADHD or not, he really needs to be aiming to give as much to the rship as you do and if the conversations are usually one-sided etc, then there's not enough room for you to process your life and have a sounding board. I wonder whether the incessant talking about himself and his life would be as problematic for you if it was coupled by a genuine interest in how your day has been, what's going round and round in your head or just not interrupting you when you speak.
Again, I am NOT criticising him. I have done this myself, and I have defended it by saying I have ADHD. If you get an ADHD-tolerant partner then you're extremely lucky but it does not let you off the hook for everything - you still have to try to meet the needs of the person you're in a rship, ADHD or not.
In terms of how to break this cycle, I think it's difficult now because the subject has clearly become a sensitive one. Does he keep a blog? The reason i ask is that I found that rambling on in writing has the same effect as talking things out with another person there but it is less of a burden on that other person. Blogs also represent new projects that can be obsessed over and it's exciting when other people read your writing and respond.
Obviously I don't mean say 'Hey, instead of telling me all this stuff over and over, write it down instead'. Then it just seems like you're trying to palm him off on the Internet.
Maybe just suggest keeping a blog it in a completely unrelated way. Maybe say that he's such a creative person, you think that a blog would be a good outlet for him, and that you'd love to be able to read what he writes and see him share his ADHD experiences with other ADHDers in that way. Just see if the idea catches fire. If it does, you might find that a lot of the excess leakage, spills out that way instead, leaving you more time to talk about other things on the phone. If you read his blog, comment on his posts, give him feedback, he'll feel encouraged, and listened to and like you're taking an interest but you can do it WHEN YOU HAVE TIME, and hopefully make your conversations on the phone as much about YOU as him.
Sorrry this turned out to be long - see? We all do it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 7, 2011 11:29:22 GMT
Gah! Just wrote out a whole reply and then realised the thread was from July - gah!!!! Am such a dick.
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Post by kakema on Nov 7, 2011 16:36:12 GMT
You're not the first person to have done that, and you sure won't be the last! Anyway, it's quite jolly when an old thread gets revived - we get to revisit CLil's oo-er moment (sniggger). ;D
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