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Post by Candy on Oct 4, 2011 1:54:34 GMT
Question:
Can ADHD be an influence in infidelity?
(Partner of several years had a one night stand with someone else, blames 'acting on impulse' aspect of ADHD).
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Post by kakema on Oct 4, 2011 6:19:17 GMT
Yes and no.
It's widely recognised that ADHDers have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships, for lots of reasons. And we are undoubtedly impulsive. We are massive stimulation-seekers - we often thrive on extreme excitement because we need more than most to get our brain chemistry going. We don't 'process' well - can go with our first thought without any forward thinking about consequences. We can be as obsessive about emotional attachments as we can be about video games. And we bore easily.
But ADHD doesn't obliterate your moral compass. We still know what's right and what's wrong, and while we have difficulty with impulse control and forethought, we still know what we're doing and are still on some level making choices. Your OH may have acted on impulse, and that's a powerful force for us; but he would still have known that what he was doing was morally wrong and could hurt you. I don't know whether he could have stopped himself though.
It's tricky. The fact that 25% of the prison population has ADHD illustrates the impulse control point - but I'm not sure that ADHD would be a successful defence in, for example, a manslaughter case. There are a number of threads that explore this sort of question.
In my case, I married young, pretty much on impulse, bored after a few years, couldn't successfully tackle the complexity of divorce until I got my dx and in the process realised what had been happening. We separated earlier this year after nearly 25 years and my ex is still completely baffled by the experience. Over the years, I had a number of intense friendships with men but although coming close a few times, was never actually unfaithful. However, this was not always because of moral considerations. I always knew that when I formed an attachment with another man, I was stepping over a line. It's not quite the same as blurting out a thought, or suddenly deciding to spend the day in Brighton. I just didn't care enough at the time.
This is a topic that should generate quite a few responses because there isn't a right answer. Only you know whether this is something you can - or should - forgive.
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Post by Jonboyz on Oct 4, 2011 13:03:28 GMT
This is difficult, the impulsivity I can definately relate to but, sorry it might be difficult to hear, he should have been able to consider the effect it would have on you and if he cared he would of stopped himself.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2011 14:06:05 GMT
I don't think you could blame infidelity purely based on ADHD, the person must be cheating for a reason, such as they're not happy with their relationship at the time, but problems in the relationship exacerbates the impulse to cheat.
I've never had a long-term relationship because I get bored really easily, and I don't like commitment. I don't know what my point of view would be if I were married for a few years, I don't think I could handle a marriage.
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Post by Candy on Oct 4, 2011 14:19:34 GMT
He had drank a lot and smoked a lot of dope, and it was offered on a plate. We've broke up but I want to understand why he did it, because our relationship was happy and he sez he wasn't unhappy with me.
Just want to know more about how much ADHD would have made him be unable to stop what was happening when temptation was there.
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Post by kakema on Oct 4, 2011 16:57:43 GMT
It's really hard for a non ADHD person to understand what it feels like. We have all sorts of issues with self-control and self-regulation, and we can't gain control simply by effort of will. It's not how we want to be Lots of ADHD people have problems with drug abuse, for example.
We live 'in the moment', and don't think very far beyond the immediate. And we just don't think very 'sensibly' a lot of the time. I often find myself thinking 'ach, sod it, why not', and then regretting it later.
Sometimes thinking through an impulse is too complicated, sometimes it never occurs to us to think, and, frankly, sometimes it's boring to have to, and responding to the impulse is far more rewarding. Jam today will usually beat jam next week some time, even if it's several jars. It's just too far off to be real.
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Post by Candy on Oct 4, 2011 17:02:54 GMT
Thanks for trying to explain, I didn't mean to trivialise what it's like it's just hard when you don't understand, because it could be an easy excuse for him to fall back on, so was wanting to see whether anyone here could give some advise on to what extent it is a genuine reason.
It would never make it right, but just understanding the 'whys' is important.
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Post by kakema on Oct 4, 2011 17:07:02 GMT
I know. But our perspective can only help a little. In the end, it was about you and him. ADHD was just a complicating factor.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. Life shouldn't be like that.
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Post by odat on Oct 4, 2011 18:38:04 GMT
As everyone has said, just because we are impulsive doesn't mean we shouldn't have morals. I'm more inclined to think the drink and drugs were an influence but no matter what, he needs to take responsibility, even if 'it was offered up on a plate.'
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kreate
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Post by kreate on Oct 5, 2011 16:18:07 GMT
Everyones impulses are all individual.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2011 11:24:03 GMT
Hi Candy,
I've been thinking about this thread for a while.
I think what is important is how you feel about his infidelity. Whilst, as other have pointed out, ADHD can mean that we are more predisposed to commit adultery, it doesn't mean we cannot stop and we do have a choice.
The most important aspect, in my opinion, in a relationship is respect. If your husband doesn't respect you, then I can see problems. By accepting the blame of the infidelity on ADHD you'd be almost giving him permission to do it again. The fact that your husband had been drinking and smoking pot would have lowered his inhibitions further, but he still would have wanted to do it.
To me this means that there is an underlying problem with the relationship irrespective of ADHD and the infidelity. Whilst my relationship with my wife was solid, adultery never really crossed my mind. Yes, there were women I found attractive, but to cheat on my wife would have been unthinkable. As our relationship has started to disintegrate I have found myself engineering circumstances in which temptation is placed in my way. I have yet to fall foul of my marriage vows, but it has been very close. And I think I would struggle had I been in your husband's circumstances.
I strongly suggest you explore your relationship with your husband as the cheating is a symptom of an underlying relationship issue, not a symptom of ADHD.
Hope this helps, and isn't too disjointed.
BeaglesEnd.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 11, 2011 11:27:13 GMT
Hi Candy, I've been thinking about this thread for a while. I think what is important is how you feel about his infidelity. Whilst, as other have pointed out, ADHD can mean that we are more predisposed to commit adultery, it doesn't mean we cannot stop and we do have a choice. The most important aspect, in my opinion, in a relationship is respect. If your husband doesn't respect you, then I can see problems. By accepting the blame of the infidelity on ADHD you'd be almost giving him permission to do it again. The fact that your husband had been drinking and smoking pot would have lowered his inhibitions further, but he still would have wanted to do it. To me this means that there is an underlying problem with the relationship irrespective of ADHD and the infidelity. Whilst my relationship with my wife was solid, adultery never really crossed my mind. Yes, there were women I found attractive, but to cheat on my wife would have been unthinkable. As our relationship has started to disintegrate I have found myself engineering circumstances in which temptation is placed in my way. I have yet to fall foul of my marriage vows, but it has been very close. And I think I would struggle had I been in your husband's circumstances. I strongly suggest you explore your relationship with your husband as the cheating is a symptom of an underlying relationship issue, not a symptom of ADHD. Hope this helps, and isn't too disjointed. BeaglesEnd. Typical, just re-read the post after pressing send and realised that he isn't your husband, but partner AND you have already split up.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2011 12:57:29 GMT
It's really hard for a non ADHD person to understand what it feels like. We have all sorts of issues with self-control and self-regulation, and we can't gain control simply by effort of will. It's not how we want to be Lots of ADHD people have problems with drug abuse, for example. We live 'in the moment', and don't think very far beyond the immediate. And we just don't think very 'sensibly' a lot of the time. I often find myself thinking 'ach, sod it, why not', and then regretting it later. Sometimes thinking through an impulse is too complicated, sometimes it never occurs to us to think, and, frankly, sometimes it's boring to have to, and responding to the impulse is far more rewarding. Jam today will usually beat jam next week some time, even if it's several jars. It's just too far off to be real. nail.head
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 20:13:59 GMT
...and here's another!
(I'm kakema, btw - just a bit...reincarnated 8) )
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Jul 23, 2012 13:12:22 GMT
As everyone has said, just because we are impulsive doesn't mean we shouldn't have morals. I'm more inclined to think the drink and drugs were an influence but no matter what, he needs to take responsibility, even if 'it was offered up on a plate.' Couldn't agree more!
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Jul 23, 2012 14:04:27 GMT
Yes and no. The fact that 25% of the prison population has ADHD illustrates the impulse control point - but I'm not sure that ADHD would be a successful defence in, for example, a manslaughter case. There are a number of threads that explore this sort of question. You need to remember that many factors influence the percentage rate of ADHD offenders, not just impulsiveness. For example, children (and adults) with ADHD can have co-morbid disorders such as dyslexia, dyspraxia etc. This can lead to them having difficult experiences at school and as a result not being able to achieve the academic success that their peers are achieving. Relationships with parents and peers can often be strained and all these can be factors in why a person with ADHD take drugs or commit crimes...I wouldnt say it was just due to them not being able to stop themselves.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 23, 2012 19:46:59 GMT
Exactly! You said it so much better than me!
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Jul 25, 2012 13:51:58 GMT
oooshiny...just realised ur kakema..lol...why be that then? What's occurring? x :-)
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2012 20:34:44 GMT
kakema was my original name when I joined in June 2010; but I changed my forum name to oooshiny! fairly early on in a moment of merry self-discovery. As others who've done this will know, your underlying account name doesn't change. So if you wanted to pm me, for example, you had to pm kakema. I then had a bit of a meltdown last November and deleted the entire account (rolls eyes) - although all my posts remained, they were shown under my now-defunct account name. I then re-joined a week or so later when I'd calmed down. It's impossible to reactivate a deleted account, so I used my old screen name to set up a completely new account. Simples!! Any day now, I should rejoin the Olympian ranks of the idiotically prolific Senior Gods, which might, actually, constitute some kind of 'first'...wonder if I'll get some sort of prize... ;D
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lisablue
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Post by lisablue on Jul 27, 2012 11:59:00 GMT
Ha ha haaaaa...bluming ell....remind me not to delete me account :-) I like oooshiny....GREAT name for an ADHD'er!!!
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