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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2008 20:06:36 GMT
Hi to all, This is my first time on a forum, so forgive my mistakes!! I have been married (2nd time around for both of us) for 8 years to a man who I am pretty certain has ADD. It has been an exhausting, bewildering, lonely 8 years - most of it wondering why I married again and thinking it must be me - but a surprise visit by my husbands son (now 20), who I only met once when we were first married (he lives abroad with his mum and rest of family) revealed that he has ADHD and it was diagnosed when he was around 12......!! My thoughts raced away and I tapped long into the night on the old pc and found all I could about ADD in adults / genetics etc. I have met with resentment "there is nothing wrong with me" "not living on drugs" "its normal for men to be angry all the time""you must be menopausal(for 8 years???)""blah blah". Stubbornness, cunning and threats have resulted in my husband visiting the doctors and hopefully we are on the way to a referral (not assisted by the local Mental Health Unit who declared 'both Bill Gates and Einstien are thought to have had ADD and they haven't done so bad - so don't worry about it'). Now here is the problem - how do I get my husband to start to think differently - he refuses to do anything until properly diagnosed declaring he want the assessor to see the full picture (not a slightly improved model). IN TRUTH he doesn't think there is anything wrong with him and will be told that he is just under stress/wrong marriage/old divorce/childhood baggage etc. Whilst I accept all these things are relevant - reading all that I have, combined with reading lots on this wonderful forum - what can I do?? My husband doesn't use the pc (can't be bothered to learn and wouldn't remember how to use it anyway) and he doesn't read books (same reasons) so what I can I read - recommended books please? ?? Help please before I go out of my mind and give up! So tired of the endless rows, my nagging (it has turned me into a different person), the loneliness, financial responsibility, lack of a life (no point in going out together as he not interested - only there in body). Know I shouldn't moan - lots of women get beaten up and have dreadful lives - there is no man with a gun and we are well fed and housed - but it could be sooooooooooooo wonderful!! Thanks for listening and thanks for all your comments which have prompted me to be brave and write. Good luck to you all Mooney
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2008 22:41:20 GMT
hello Mooney,
well done for being brave. it's hard to make that step but you have come to a great place with lots of wonderful, caring and very knowledgeable people.
i found it hard to write the first time.. that's me in the previous thread in the spouses section. Still, I needn't have worried. People are extremely supportive and well-informed on this forum and have proved a lifeline to myself and my husband over the past 6 weeks or so.
I'm sorry your husband is rejecting the information about ADD. Still, you've got him to the doctors and, hopefully, he will start to come to terms with things once he gets an official diagnosis. Perhaps, for some people that's the only time they will start to take things on board... once someone 'in authority ' has declared it to be so.
I would recommend a book called 'Delivered from Distraction' by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey. (One of the chapters towards the end I felt I had written huge chunks of it myself: "What can you do if your mate has ADD?".. you will probably feel the same.)
You've got every right to moan. It is extremely hard living with someone with undiagnosed ADD.. much of the time it's a miserable existence for both parties.
I felt bewildered and miserable and a nervous wreck after 20 years. (There were happy times... or should I say moments... maybe an evening or a day or two that felt carefree but there was always what felt like a black cloud overshadowing things).
Things have been better for us since my husband found out about ADD at the beginning of September. It seemed strange at first.. a huge relief.. and also a bit scary... but my husband and myself came round to the idea (fairly quickly, I think.. maybe a matter of weeks) that the info and stories that we read (in abundance) mirrored our lives together over the last 20 years (and my husband's before that). Of course, the ADD is still there... my husband is in the process of seeking a diagnosis... however, many ill feelings and resentments have fallen away in the light of this knowledge.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2008 23:12:52 GMT
Sorry Mooney ... I had just written quite a bit more and I've lost it somehow ... d'oh
anyway, will have to sign off now...
take care and don't give up ... you've got this far...
keep in touch
best wishes Di
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2008 22:59:47 GMT
Thanks Diane - so far I'm too scared to tell my husband about the site!! With so much positive thought on the site and hearing I am not alone, I already feel stronger and may be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I felt such relief when I discovered there may be a cause for our problems - just hoping we can learn together. Mooney
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2009 13:28:54 GMT
dear mooney, i bought a book called SCATTERED by a dr Gabor Mate, i got in from amazon, second hand just a couple of quid, i started to read it and it was like id been struck by a lightening bolt, then my 31 year old son with add started to read it and then my husband, just been refered to specialist for assesment started to read it, he finds it so enlightening and at the same time quite unsettling, he said it feels wierd that someone who doesnt even know him has written a book about him, unlike your husband he is sick of being like he is and realy wants to live the rest of his life feeling better so he was very open to anything that might help us. there are two versions of the book available, scattered and scattered minds. your post brought tears to my eyes and i can honestly say I know how you feel. all the best. kriss
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2009 22:24:54 GMT
Hi Kriss,
Thanks so much for your support too!! This forum is such a help - I can't tell you how often I read it just to reassure myself that things will get better.........
Well after quite a lot of effort we finally managed to get to Bristol - wow!!! Had a very good "interview" with the lovely Doc and my other half went for 'tests' a couple of weeks ago (apparently he fell asleep doing these as well)! Anyway now we play the waiting game until we can go back and get the results. Meanwhile no improvement in the camp - he still can't read the books (bought several now) however I have devoured Gina Peras "Is it you, me or adult add" - what a lifesaver - lets just hope we can get diagnosed positively - otherwise I am just in the wrong marriage. The Doc did suggest that we went for counselling and to a support group - but this was declined by my husband until he has a positive dx (which he clearly thinks will not happen).
Do hope things get better for your Kriss and that you get a dx soon. Diane I've just re-read your first reply - how did you cope for so long?? Thanks again for your encouragement.
Keep smiling. Lol to you all Mooney
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Post by pinkbeauty on Jul 27, 2009 8:11:09 GMT
Hi Mooney
Do you mind if I ask how long you waited for an appointment with Bristol? My GP is supposed to have referred me months ago but I have not heard anything yet. I suppose I should chase my GP about it ...!
PB
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2009 23:03:21 GMT
Hi Pinkbeauty,
First GP contact approx 15 months, then several letters, abortive referral to local MH unit, then GP tried to get us into Maudsley but no PCT funding and finally got a referral to Bristol in December 08. I did telephone BRI a couple of times just to make sure we were in the queue - they were very patient and kind and did check out the waiting list and advised of timings but in fact the appointment came through quicker than we were advised. I was told in March that it would be October but we were seen in July (don't know if it was a cancellation or what).
Hope this helps. You are welcome to PM me if you want more details. Good luck and hang on in there.
Mooney.
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Post by pinkbeauty on Jul 30, 2009 23:24:52 GMT
Thanks Mooney
I called the Bristol clinic a couple of days' ago as my GP referred me in April and I hadn't heard anything. I'm glad I did as they said they hadn't received letter so hopefully my GP has faxed it now. They said there was a waiting time of a year but they are hoping for a second consultant which should shorten the waiting list. Fingers crossed!!
PB
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Post by Deleted on Aug 11, 2009 21:14:54 GMT
Hello Mooney and all on this thread and others in this section! I haven't been on the boards in many months... life's been up and down ... the rollercoaster's still bombing round the track but there are at least a few stretches where it seems to coast a bit now...as opposed to before finding out about ADHD when it was just going manically up and down the dips all the time Mooney ... when do you go back for your husband's results? I've been reading Gina Pera's book today...Fantastic, I agree. I've read quite a lot about adhd since finding out about it (nearly a year ago now)... but then things went into a lull ...and now I'm starting to get all fired up again...this book a must read for partners/spouses. My husband of twenty years is still undiagnosed but is on the waiting list for a new adult ADHD clinic in our area (West Yorkshire). They started seeing clients in June but are dealing with transition cases first (people who were diagnosed as children) and then they will see undiagnosed adults. We have been writing to the medical director of the MHT since last November trying to find out about the new clinic. I phoned the clinic last week and was told by the secretary that my husband would be offered an appointment as soon as the second phase has started ...she wasn't able to tell me when that woud be. So, quite anxious .. my husband initially went to see the doctor last October to enquire about ADHD so it's been a long long wait.. (at times, excruciating) Anyway, best to you all Di P.S. Have just watched an extremely moving programme about three guys with autism ("Autistic Me") ...screened on BBC3 .. I think it was mentioned by Roland. Thanks Roland.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 23, 2009 21:47:18 GMT
Hi Diane,
Sorry for the delay in responding but we have hit a bad patch !! Thought when we went to see the doc in July that we were on the way to getting help but it seems the process has to wait for holidays........ doc not back until end of September, so that was another summer been and gone in rows and disappointments. Not too sure how long I can wait for an answer to whether I just married the wrong guy or there is a reason for this 'mythical better future' - whats wrong with having some fun now???
Will try and be more positive .. regards to all Mooney
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Post by Sue on Aug 24, 2009 19:16:33 GMT
Hi Mooney
Sorry I haven't been around to welcome you to this site! Welcome. Sorry to hear things are in a bit of a lull because the docs on holiday - but not long to wait now.
I know what you mean about thinking you may have married the wrong person. Sometimes I think life is too short to be so unhappy then I think "I want to make this work" then I swing back to I want to be on my own! It is difficult. Hubby said I don't have patience but at the same time he doesn't accept that he is creating situations or saying things that result in me losing it. Granted only I have control over my emotions but boy does he press my buttons. Basically he is not able to be the type of husband that I want nor am I able to the wife that he needs to support him so where does this leave us? I don't know. He is a good man and a brilliant father, but an awful provider and more of a child than a husband. He hates being treated like a child but can't act like a responsible adult. Sigh. That's enough moaning from me.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2009 17:11:40 GMT
Hi everyone ! WELL ALL I CAN SAY IS YOUR HUSBANDS ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! LUCKY TO HAVE CARING WIVES WHO ARE STANDING BY THEM !! My exhusband used to say it was like looking after 2 children (we have a son) which is what I told my GP after she told me I could not possibly have ADHD as I was a professional person ! She changed her mind Bless her and referred me which in 2005 took 9months . ADHD DESTROYS PEOPLES LIVES !! Hang on in there girls as your lives are about to change !! Am praying it wont be too long but it will be worth waiting for PROMISE !!
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