spikeyxx
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Post by spikeyxx on Jan 2, 2012 2:30:40 GMT
Do any of you have any advise in dealing with a partner who is dismissive of ADHD?
My girlfriend goes from being supportive when something I do isn't upsetting her, to aggressive and dismissive when something I do (or don't do) effects her. Typical examples include when I forget to do something, leave something unfinished or have a hard time learning something.
She often tells me I am worse than a child. Another thing that seems to really wind her up is my reluctance to apply for jobs where I feel my ADHD symptoms are going to be problematic. I'm currently jobless, having left my previous job due to years of difficulty learning, remembering and applying myself. That's a whole other story in itself, but to summarise, I would try, would make a mistake, be criticised, take a confidence knock, be disincentivised and repeat the pattern with diminishing returns. I want to make sure my next job isn't like that because the stress of that over the course of 4 years really messed me up.
How do I educate her to the realities of what we live through each day without her cherry picking what she will and won't believe?
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Post by mizmog on Jan 2, 2012 11:47:55 GMT
Hi Spikey, I haven't much to say that will help other than I feel ur pain... After yrs of being told I had a problem and several failed romantic and family relationships, it was my husband that prompted me to do something.. Got a diagnosed and thought 'great he knows too so he'll understand' ... Nearly 2 yrs down the line, I still struggle to explain things to him... He has done all the reading etc, but still cannot possibly fully understand the condition. I hv come to the conclusion, that unless u actually experience the mass of confusion, u couldn't possibly appreciate the full impact of ADHD, and so we just rub along sometimes together and sometimes with me in my world.
All u can do is keep talking her through as the situation arises, and hopefully u will both get to a place where u can live without so much angst.
Good luck hun x
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Post by mariner on Jan 2, 2012 20:20:34 GMT
Easiest way is to stay single.
No way she'll ever understand and Im sure it's very annoying for her. She must really love you though. Best advice I can give you is... GET A RING ON HER FINGER!!!
Personally I think the onus is on us to try harder to not forget things and to not leave things unfinished. Easier said than done I know.
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Post by mccutcheon on Jan 4, 2012 15:47:25 GMT
hi spikey, first of all I have to disagree with mariner: why on earth would marriage be a solution to her not understanding? I find that advice rather idiotic (no offense, mariner) however what helped my wife understand and thus get less pissed off at me when I do ADHD things was reading "Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD"Maybe try to get your girlfriend to read that? And I don't know if you're officially diagnosed but having your diagnosis on paper might help her accept it better. And getting medication might help you do less of the things that are infuriating to others (and probably yourself as well). It definitely helped me take back control of my life. Ultimately - and I know this is a tough one to stomach - if she really can't come around and be a supportive partner to you it might just be time to call it quits. Good luck, I hope you two can work it out
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2012 19:01:33 GMT
i do really feel for you. as i am a wife whois like this to her husband! :-( hence why I'm here trying to learn more about adhd and dealing with it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 16, 2012 20:53:21 GMT
You have to work as hard at the relationship as you expect her to. Maybe harder, the way we have to work harder at so many things in life. You have to work at being the partner you think she deserves; and if you don't think she deserves better, ask yourself why.
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Post by Guest on Sept 28, 2012 7:03:22 GMT
I know this sounds really harsh, but why do you expect her to be sympathetic to your difficult behaviour? You know what your problems are and yet you are unable to make the necessary changes to making your daily life a little easier. She perhaps does not fully appreciate how difficult it is for you and I suspect is very frustrated at not being able to change or improve the situation. Changing yourself is difficult - changing someone else is impossible. The only way my husband and I have stayed together for 30 years is that we physically absent ourselves from each other quite a lot of the time. It gives me time to recharge my batteries and feel strong enough to cope with the chaos of our normal daily life. Since learning about ADHD I have tried to adopt tactics to "pander" to my husband's behaviour. Eg, I now allow him to ramble on incoherently about things which are unimportant (I'm learning how to block it out and just murmer at the appropriate time) but then I refuse to allow him to distract us from important issues by saying things like "so to ask the question again ....." Although this has led to a calmer existance, I still feel resentful inside. It is just so draining. The one thing I would really like my husband to do is to apologise for his behaviour from time to time. Just hearing him say "I'm sorry I was so awkward about ...." would make me feel much more compassionate. Perhaps you could try that???
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