Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 7:41:03 GMT
Hi, im new to this so I hope somebody out there can help me! I'm going insane! My partner is 28 and an ADHD sufferer and is on medication, has been for all his life. He has never cheated on me (that I know about) but I am constantly finding stuff in his emails! I know I shouldn't be going through them in the first place but it's the only way I find out stuff. There have been facebook messages to someone he used to work with and when I confronted him about it he said it was the only way he knew to get close to her to help her sort out a problem with another person at work harrassing her. When I found them again, he completely denied all knowledge of doing it even though I know 100% that it was him. Lately, I have found emails from sex and dating websites. Now, his dad, who is an undiagnosed and unmedicated ADHD sufferer, also does this kind of thing and his mum just puts up with it and their relationship is just, well, there's not much point to it! I have absolutely NO trust in him whatsoever, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore and I feel so hurt, like, am i not enough? Why would he want to do this? He always goes on about his dad and how he doesn't want to end up like him which is why i'm so confused. Is this part of ADHD? Is this what they do? And lying, blatantly, to my face? Or am I just looking for a reason to excuse him for it because I love him? Please help if you can
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lisablue
Member posts quite a bit
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Post by lisablue on Jul 19, 2012 8:15:41 GMT
Hi,
Gosh! Does ADHD cause a person to be unfaithful...NO...absolutely not! Does ADHD have an effect on impulsiveness...YES most definitely. I suppose I could see that if he randomly wandered on to such a site and then got a bit sucked in for a bit why he maybe would want to deny it. Going onto sex sites is really not part of the condition in the respect that if I made the statement 'all ADHD people use sex websites' that would not be an accurate statement. If his dad has always done it this could be a learned behaviour that has nothing to do with ADHD just that he grew up seeing it was OK for his dad (mum didnt mind) so it's OK for him. I, personally, would not tackle this as an issue related to ADHD...I have been with my husband for 14 years and the most I have hid from him is the new pair of shoes I should not have brought or things like that...so to me the answer I would give you is NO...sex and dating website use is not a symptom of ADHD
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2012 22:08:42 GMT
ADHD is more a complicating factor. It doesn't define your moral framework. As lb says, it can't make you be unfaithful - but it can make it a bit harder to stop yourself, if doing that is somewhere in your range of possible choices.
It's possibly a bit of a simplistic example, but I can't imagine myself using the 'C' word - it's abhorrent to me. But knowing, and believing, that it would be inappropriate to swear in some circumstances hasn't ever stopped me doing it, and feeling mortified afterwards, and still doing it again...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 14:17:30 GMT
Thanks Guys, that's helped clear some stuff up. At least if I confront him about it, I know he cannot blame it on his ADHD. I guess I really need to read up alot more about it. I guess I just maybe figured that as forgetfulness is part of it - maybe he kinda forgets what's hes doing?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 19:01:23 GMT
Impulsivity is more about responding to the immediate stimulus - or prospect of stimulation - and not thinking about consequences beyond that. Not quite forgetting; more failing to pause long enough to consider.
I'm certain we talked about all this in another thread where the issue was actual cheating, rather than a bit of website idiocy - but there were more, and a broader range of views expressed. Maybe search on 'unfaithful' or 'fidelity' etc?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 20, 2012 19:02:26 GMT
Found it! Search for 'cheating'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2012 8:29:30 GMT
Many thanks, I will have a look
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2012 8:43:50 GMT
Ok, so did have a quick look and by the sounds of things people are saying that the impulsiveness and stimulation their brains need are probably a big factor, however, regardless of that you still know what's right and wrong etc. Which does help but also still leaves me abit confused!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2012 8:57:34 GMT
Anybody got any ideas on how to tackle this?!
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Post by cdsinuk on Jul 25, 2012 9:06:01 GMT
Hi Moonbag, just let me say my missus hasnt been near me in three years, i long for a cuddle and relations the way they used to be, i would give anything to have normal sexual relationship and feel needed and wanted, but i wont cheat on my missus, that doesnt mean shes not cheating on me, i dont know how things got this bad, but ADHD doesnt make you a cheat, that trait is usally in you already , or you feel forced to by desperation or need for sex or love, or thinking you need to have one to have the other, however that said, he may be hyperfocusing on things, i had a situation a few years ago with an old childhood friend, i wasnt cheating, i wasnt going to cheat, but i was almost obsessed for a while with this friend, but it can cause problems, try and distract him away from the computer, if you can, i spend almost all day on mine, its the only friend i have if you know what i mean, but it can get you up to no good, sadly my affair at the moment is making complaints and trying to get heard, but it could just as easily be someone on face book, or porn site, etc etc, it could be anything, really, but it doesnt meant he is cheating, distraction distraction distract, that will help you im sure, and im sure if he is a bit obsessed on something or someone, he may be very embarraced by this, and hence the lies, you need a really honest conversation
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2012 10:31:43 GMT
Thank you. That's the most confusing thing - we have sex. we have sex 4+ times a week yet he still feels the need to go and do this! The only problem with trying to distract him from the computer is that he works nights. he's a security guard in a disused office block so there is nothing else for him to do but go on the computer! He does have like books to read etc that he does take with him but they don't last very long! And obviously when he's nights - i'm not there! I do try and text him alot and also phone him alot when he's on nights. I have even tried doing 'dirty texts' etc etc but even that hasn't stopped it. I have confronted him before about stuff and all I get is lies. He blatantly lies to my face even though I know it's true because i've seen it! But he swears blind all the time that it's not him and he hasn't done anything. Even when I talk to him about his dad, who also does this - and his mum does nothing about it just lets him get away with it - he tells me that he thinks it's disgusting and that he would never ever do that, yet, he is! I've sat there and told him 'you better not do' and 'if you did it would break my heart etc' yet, nothing! He still continues to do it! I know that he will and does blame his ADHD for this.
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