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Post by ivo on Dec 28, 2012 11:35:44 GMT
I did a reading in our church over the holiday, got lots of compliments from others, apart from my wife who said: "I almost fell asleep in your reading." I just let it go and ignored it to prevent a conflict, although later I just felt why do I bother?
I get occasional but consistent mild ridicule in front of friends and even strangers! about my age (I am older) and my baldness sometimes.. I am embarrassed for her because of her comments more than taking it personally but it's just not right. My parents have commented on her OTT comments and ridicule.
I laugh along mostly but sometimes feel hurt, I have told her sometimes but she says I shouldnt be taking offence as its a joke... (often a completely inappropriate or unnecessary joke). And I hardly ever mock her, and if I do she usually takes offence. What can I do please?
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Post by boo on Dec 28, 2012 12:29:19 GMT
I laugh along mostly but sometimes feel hurt, I have told her sometimes but she says I shouldnt be taking offence as its a joke... (often a completely inappropriate or unnecessary joke). If it is upsetting you, then it's not a joke....but laughing along is giving mixed messages in my opinion If she makes these jokes and they upset you sometimes but not others, then I am not sure how she will be able to identify which is which, but if you laugh along and it hurts and upsets more than just occasionally, then it needs to be tackled. Have you tried to let your wife know this is upsetting you, but not at the time of the comment. Gather some examples, and reel them off, maybe hearing them listed one after the other will make her realise just how often she is doing this, also for each example, find an "equivalent" that you could have said to her, this will allow her to really understand the impact it may be having, being able to actually relate to remarks and how the "equivalent remark(s)" might have made her feel... and by doing it at a time when the comment hasn't been made, might help in terms of avoiding direct conflict one at a time each time and not really having the same impact as a whole list of "spiteful" comments/remarks Has your wife always done this? if so, and you found it funny in earlier times, it may be a sign of your esteem being low, and not seeing the funny side any more, or it may be that your wife is insecure, and uses "humour" to disguise these insecurities... quite often a classic sign!, unfortunately it can get very wearing for the recipient........ especially if its "relentless" Its also worth thinking whether these remarks/comments have changed the relationship or whether the relationship has changed the remarks/comments somewhere along the way...
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Post by ivo on Dec 29, 2012 10:13:35 GMT
Thanks, would the suggestion be the same whether she has ADHD or not? She mentions sometimes she thinks she may have it but then ends up saying she hasnt if I discuss it further.
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Post by Nonmember on Dec 29, 2012 16:17:21 GMT
my husband has always made offensive comments which he claims are just jokes. They are often hurtful, insensitive and sometimes cruel. If I say anything, he says I should be "more robust" or "less precious" or "get my sense of humour back". I think it is because apologising is such an anathema to him, so it is always easiier to blame me. There is quite a lot about it in "Is it You, Me or Adult ADD". Interestingly, he is much more careful with other people, especially people he doesn't know too well. I think it is because deep-down he knows he can upset people (it has happened on so many occasions) and is therefore wary, but expects me to accept it in him. Thanks, would the suggestion be the same whether she has ADHD or not? She mentions sometimes she thinks she may have it but then ends up saying she hasnt if I discuss it further.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2012 23:55:03 GMT
Have a look at the threads where we discuss the tendency to blame others for our mistakes.
It's much easier, when you know you've hurt the feelings of someone you care about, to make it their fault.
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Post by ivo on Jan 1, 2013 9:54:33 GMT
Ah, but it's this occurence which is completely wrong in a marriage. You do all you can to help and support and you're consistently blamed by them for something which is their mistake, and accused of things you don't do! And my wife doesn't even recognise the fact.
What would a marriage counsellor say about the effect of this? It must in many cases eventually bring about the downfall of a marriage. I will look to see if there's any guidance in the other threads.
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Post by claudhopper on Jan 2, 2013 23:10:17 GMT
I don't know if this is helpful but I think (connected with ADHD) I have tended to choose / attract the wrong people for me. Many of them have been very critical. Ed Hallowell mentions this sort of thing in 'driven from distraction'
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