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Post by jan on Jan 29, 2013 17:27:31 GMT
hi ya i'm female and straight but do have add though not diagnosed and not medicated. don't know if its different for guys but even when i was a raving alki (been sobor 10 years now) i was never unfaithful! seems to me like this guy is well taking the piss and if I was you i'd get out NOW before its too late!
Sounds like he doesn't care about any one but himself! having unprotected sex whilst hiv positive is NOT ON and having add is no excuse - there is no excuse!
I had to leave my daughters father 2 weeks before she was born as he was violent and abusive and it was hardest thing iv'e ever done i know its hard when you love someone but you need to love yourself more babe if that man is going to treat you like that you must deprive yourself of him. Follow your GUT EVERY TIME I say.
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 29, 2013 19:10:54 GMT
Hello. To me, it sounds like this man is way more trouble than ADD on its own would account for.
I am aware that in the past I have behaved in ways that were not acceptable and, maybe, there was an element of ADD in what I did. However, I knew I was doing things wrong and had the choice to stop if I wanted to. This man is having unprotected sex with other people in the full knowledge that he is HIV positive. He is putting the lives of others at risk and he doesn't care. This sounds closer to psychopathy to me.
Don't make excuses for him and don't allow him to use ADD as an excuse. We all have free will.
Please be careful and good luck.
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new2aadd
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Post by new2aadd on Jan 29, 2013 19:28:37 GMT
Thank you for the responses so far. Would be great if there were also some male opinions. No offence intended! Just would be good to hear from the entire spectrum; much of the research I read would suggest that men are generally more promiscuous that females and have greater problems resisting impulsivity.
Also, it's very common for +ve gay men to have unprotected sex with +ve gay men. I'm afraid it's a reality even though +ve men should be more careful because the HIV virus mutates very quickly; there are many different strains of HIV, and infection with multiple strains of HIV is possible.
Please keep posting. Would also be good to know if you have been professionally diagnosed, are receiving treatment, and what kind of challenges this has allowed you to overcome.
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Post by Kathymel on Jan 29, 2013 20:28:08 GMT
No offence taken. I was basing my answer on the assumption that the HIV- men didn't know that they were having sex with HIV+ partners. If that's not the case then my comment doesn't stand.
Gay culture is fine. I promise I wasn't being narrow minded.
I didn't know you could get multiple simultaneous strains. That's adding insult to injury on a grand scale.
Hope you get a helpful answer. Kx
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Post by DKL - darkknightslover on Jan 29, 2013 20:42:45 GMT
Another female voice unto the fray I'm afraid, but I'm going to send a link of this thread to someone I know who could be of more use.
ADHD causes impulsivity. It also causes a low tolerance of boredom. You also are far less likely to have that "stop" moment before you commit to an action. Medication, in my case, seems to introduce more of these moments. ADHD certainly will be a contributry factor, but his choice to not take responsibility for it is not only irresponsible in terms of his safety (which he is less likely to care about) but also the safety of others and is very likely to cause him to get into trouble with the law if he transmits an STD he knows he has and knowingly not use protection, especially with something as difficult to treat and life changing as HIV.
Chances are he already knows the consequences. Chances are there are other things going on with him. There is a higher likelihood of other things to be going on if you have ADHD - not just dyslexia/praxia/graphia but also depression, anxiety, and a whole host of other things. If he had a difficult childhood this is going to be even more likely.
Only you can answer if you wish to stay with him or not. You are brave for considering it. You could also say I was brave in marrying someone with several allergies and bipolar disorder. However my husband is very responsible with his conditions and is about to complete his medical degree (just to show how able he is at handling himself). For him to have committed to me in the same way knowing how useless I am with money and tidying and cleaning frequently was also a big thing for him - although this was before I was diagnosed or even had a whiff of what ADHD actually was beyond hyperactivity.
In your case look at what he offers you and he must look at what you offer him. You should both decide together about how serious you are about each other and if you are willing to help each other through a lifestyle change. If he refuses to change I can't see how this relationship is going to work out on any level. If he didn't like his medication before there are others and it certainly seems like he could do with some professional help in any case even if he chooses to remain unmedicated.
Sent from my GT-I9000 using proboards
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damonk
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Post by damonk on Jan 29, 2013 21:02:14 GMT
Hi, I'm a bloke. I've read and reread your post, and have to say I appreciate it's very difficult for you to make any decisions. The fear I have is that your supportive, noble stance and recognition of your "partner's" various conditions and problems is both destructive and harmful, certainly to you and in turn, likely him. His problems may explain his behaviour, but they certainly don't excuse it. By standing by him, you condone his behaviour, being forgiving and understanding, that's telling him "You can do whatever you like". It's also telling you, I don't deserve further consideration than "Sorry,I didn't mean to hurt you". It's bordering on an abusive relationship, and whilst not knowing you personally, I don't believe anyone should be treated like that, let alone made to feel that they ought to accept it as their worth. If it's the price of your relationship, and you love him, don't want to be without him, the God bless, and good luck. If it makes you feel angry, hurt, unvalued and unloved, then I have to say you need to consider YOU. If you were my friend, male or female, I'd be enraged and desperate for you to be treated better and happy. When people are in a relationship and they have different views on each others contributions to that relationship, at best it leads to unhappiness, long term dislike. You and anyone, are worth more. Take care, and good luck.
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Post by li0nberries on Jan 29, 2013 21:13:11 GMT
Hi, although a straight female :-), I have dignosed AADD and several long standing gay and lesbian friends and although not particularly socially acceptable, my attitude towards sex has always been seen as far more masculine
No ones going to like this I suspect, but I don't see things the same as the above comments. You are right, regardless of wether you were saying it to make him feel better or not, you are responsible for your own sexual health and as your honest with yourself about the gay communities attitude to unprotected sex and stds, you know the risks of unprotected every time u have a fling or whatever, without anyone saying.
Now ur in a relationship he has been begrudgingly honest with you. ADD won't help with the impulsivity but taking things will have far more impact on the decisions he makes ( personal experience, ).
AADD is one of many factors in the cause of his behaviour, it does increase sex drive for a lot of people, but so as far as I see, does being male and then gay to boot!!! It is easier to be promiscuous in the gay community cause there's not the social pressure for monogamy to help keep you in check.
God HE'S GIVING YOU PUPPY EYES!!! It's sooo much easier to convince yourself and other people your naive, puppy eyes are a great tool for this job.
How old are you two? In my experience promiscuous straight men tend not to settle down totally till 30ish and promiscuous gay men around 35 - 40, slowing down the older they get. But where as straight men find a new partner to be a better person with :-), gay men often seem to stay with the one that's built up years of resentment or tolerance for them, depending on how lucky they are.
No one can tell you wether to break up with him or not. He can't blame all this's on aadd and you can't use his aadd as an excuse to close your eyes. Gay men relationships are totally different from heterosexual ones, sexually and mentally but similar emotionally.
You can't change him but he will carry on growing an evolving till he's well past collecting a pension. You need to work out what you can live with ( cause everyone's got faults, it's just wether you can live with them or not. ) What u can't live with, give him an ultimatum and stick to it. What you can, let him know how u feel about it, so at least he can't say he doesn't know you don't like it and remember you'll have faults too ;-).
Last thing, if you've got this far, drugs and drink will have far more impact on fidelity than anything else.
You'll never get this if I have to read through what I've written, so sorry if its repetitive or full of drivel
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Post by li0nberries on Jan 29, 2013 21:14:01 GMT
Ha! U got 2 more posts while I was writing mine :/
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new2aadd
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Post by new2aadd on Jan 29, 2013 21:57:57 GMT
A special mention and particular thank you to darkknightslover and li0nberries. Thank you for taking the time to write such a thought out response. Your answers are helping to separate the behaviour traits of someone with AADD, and someone who is using it as excuse to mask issues with drugs and sex.
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damonk
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Post by damonk on Jan 29, 2013 22:04:28 GMT
I pretty much agree with everything li0nberries says. But it falls into the trap of this being desperately complicated, which it is emotionally, whilst not recognising the simplicity of the actual dilemma, can you continue as you are, and only you know. You're not married and can, as any individual can, say "this is not for me". But only you can weigh up the cost of accepting the situation on your own condition and at the same time, the very opposite. I don't know if gay relationships are any different to straight relationships, but as individuals are involved, every relationship is different. What is similar is that if you feel powerless, or conversely the only one in control, emotional tumoil is sure to ensue. Good luck.
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new2aadd
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Post by new2aadd on Jan 30, 2013 7:57:24 GMT
Thanks Damonk. Your right to say that some gay relationships are very open. However, I suspect for all the openness is publicised, it is actually only a small majority who enjoy/have this freedom. For me it's certainly not the benchmark of a strong, robust and lifelong partnership! People also take time to adjust, and we're both pretty new to the idea of a relationship. Also, I've had a very stable upbringing. Conversely his started stable and very privileged and then went down hill. Separated parents, mother becomes alcoholic, father remarries, problems with step mum, father dies young, he goes back to mother, they emigrate. Oh yeah - it's all real but obviously I'm only getting drip fed this, which is reasonable. Right - anyway I've said enough! And clearly here, looking at the evidence, the initial problem I outlined is not helped by is AADD but it is most certainly not the cause. Amazing what a nights sleep and some consideration can do!! Thank you for your input and for following the conversation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2013 23:09:24 GMT
My gay friends have largely been happily monogamous. As have my straight friends. I guess I'm just not very comfortable with people (gay or straight) who play around when partnered-up. It's a behaviour that suggests a lack of respect - for yourself, as well as your partner.
As DKL says, ADHD is only an aggravating factor. I'm ADHD, but my morality far outweighs my impulsivity, and when my ADHD, as it does, occasionally trumps my morals, I feel pretty bad about it.
There are monogamous gay men out there. Lots of them. I'm fairly sure one of my 'married' (civil partnered) gay friends is ADHD and he's as monogamous as I am.
ADHD isn't the only reason some people behave badly. It's not even the main one.
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