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Post by collywobble on Feb 2, 2009 20:38:10 GMT
My alcoholic h and I have split up and he keeps making arrangments to see his children and letting them down say 80% of the time. I was sticking up for him at first telling the kids that he was working so they wouldn't get upset but I have stopped doing that now telling them I don't know why he hasn't turned up and that they should ask him when they next see him. Of course they don't mention anything to him when they do see him so he is not being made accountable. I have asked him to set firm days and times when he is to see the kids but he refuses to do this instead ringing when he feels like it saying he wants to see the kids there and then. A few times when this has happened, our children have been busy doing other things but then he blames me for not being able to see them. I told him last week that I will not stop them doing things on the off chance that he rings up to see them and that he needs to make arrangements in advance so he arranged to take my eldest to the local football match yesterday, arranged for the youngest to sleep at his mum's (he lives with hhis mum at present) Saturday night then take him to rugby practice Sunday morning. He took my eldest to the football game but they spent the whole time at the bar with him drinking alcohol. I tried to contact him regarding the yougest to sleep at his but he wouldn't answer his phone and when ringing his mum she told me he wasn't in. I drove passed their house to check and sure enough his bedroom light was on so he was obviously in. He hasn't telephoned me back about taking our youngest to rugby so I ended up taking him myself and at quarter past 3 this morning, he turned up at the house with birthday cards for our eldest child (he is 12 today and had a sleepover last night) and knocked on the door waking everybody up. When asking him to leave he became a bit abusive saying 'this is my f'in house blah blah'. I felt so embarrassed as I had other peoples children in the house. They will now go home and tell their parents and probably won't be allowed to sleep here again. I really don't want to stop our children from having a relationship with their dad but when do you draw the line and say enough is enough? I am really tempted to stop all contact, at least until he can prove he can stay sober and more realible. I think what I will do is to stop all contact until he agrees to some conditions i.e. He can have them every other weekend but he must not drink any alcohol and he must never drive a vehicle with the children (he has driven under the influence so many times with the children in the vehicle). My eldest child has a mobile phone so if my husband agrees to this, then I will keep in contact with my children regularly to make sure they are safe. If I feel that they may be in danger at any point during their time with their dad, then I will go and collect them and stop all contact. If he doesn't agree to these terms then he doesn't get to see them at all, simple as that. I am taking back control of mine and our childrens lives. What do other people think?
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Post by annie on Feb 2, 2009 21:40:19 GMT
I know you've been on the forum before and remembered your circumstances were really difficult.
I have to say the people who are suffering most in this situation are your children and they are the ones who need to be protected from this very destructive relationship between your husband and yourself.
You believe your husband to be an alcoholic, you know he takes your children in the car while he is way over the limit, you know he is totally unreliable and will turn up at 3am in the morning, not only embarrassing you but also your children and their friends and yet you still want to negotiate with him!! Why?
Who comes first in this situation - your children or your relationship with your husband. Your children have no control over their situation but you do. Put your children first and dismiss what the popular press says about medication for children who have adhd.
First step first - get your child who you believe to have adhd, properly assessed by CAMHS and allow him to have the treatment which might prevent him going down the same route as his Dad- you owe him that.
Sorry to be so harsh but you do need to understand how this condition, if left untreated, can have serious consequences for your child's future.
annie
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Post by collywobble on Feb 3, 2009 14:56:23 GMT
Wow Annie. Strong words from you. I am not trying to negotiate with my h but rather take back control. My children love their father so I am willing to try visitation that fits in with our needs before throwing the towell in completely. At least then our children will know that I tried everything I could to help them try and maintain a relationship with their father. As for my son, I have never indicated that I beleive he has ADHD. He has had some problems in the past but why would I refer him back to CAMHS when there are no problems to report. He is doing very well at school, has lots of friends, and his behaviour at home is excellent. CAHMS would think I was some neurotic mother if I contacted them now when all is well. I must say I think you might be a little obsessed with dx's and medication. Not all children need a dx and meds and as I have said previously, if I had needed to go down that route then obviously I would. Thank you for your reply though.
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Post by collywobble on Feb 3, 2009 15:01:34 GMT
Just to add, whenever my h has driven a vehicle with my children, he has always left me in a sober condition. It's whilst he has been out with them that he has drunk alcohol then carried on driving with them in the vehicle. I stopped him from driving with our children in the car some time ago now as he cannot be trusted.
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Post by roland on Feb 3, 2009 16:15:24 GMT
It sounds as if you have a very difficult situation to deal with here,
You say that
and again
Is this your 12 year old son that your ex did this too?
Annie is absolutely right, you must think about the physical and emotional safety of your children and yourself. Think about the long-term impact all this is having upon your children.
In another post you say the following:
You also say
.
On top of all of that your husband has had an affair
You have had a lot of very unpleasant and negative things to deal with.
And now you're in a battle involving access to your children.
I'm going to sound harsh here, but if your husband is an alcoholic as you suspect, then he might agree to abide by your condition that he not drink alcohol and drive under the influence, but the chances are probably high that he will violate that condition.
I'm glad your son was helped by CAMHS and the parenting course, and that you are involved with al-anon. And btw, congratulations on getting your own drinking under control--good for you for doing that. I also hope that the counselling and anger management are also helpful.
My advice to you is to stay with Al-anon, get the most that you can out of the counselling and anger management courses, and keep the focus on yourself and your children. Their emotional and physical safety is paramount.
Do not try and diagnose your husband, only a specialist can do that, and anyway, ADHD should never be used to excuse bad behaviour. It might be a reason but it's not an excuse.
I also strongly recommend that you get proper legal advice about your husband's visitation rights, maybe the people in the al-anon group will be able to help you find someone who is experienced in this area.
Good luck with everything, and remember keep the focus on the well being of your children and yourself.
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Post by collywobble on Feb 3, 2009 16:38:49 GMT
Thank you Roland. I see you have put some parts of my previous postings up in your reply but so much has changed since then and I understand Annie's comments now. Life for me and my children is so much better since my h left. Him having an affair was the best thing that could of happened to me. Now that the clouds have lifted, I see things a lot more clearly and I have taken back control of my life. I feel as if I was lost for a long time but am now back if that makes any sense. I am getting stonger every day and the stronger I get the more positive I am. The children see this change in me so are obviously themselves so much happier. I have taken the focus off my h and his problems and turned that onto me and my kids and things really couldn't be better. I am still prepared however to give my children an opportunity to have contact with their dad, not for him or me but for them. If he messes up then the children will see that for themselves and will probably respect me more for trying. Incidently, my h currently lives with his mum and dad so they wouldn't be left completely on their own with him otherwise I wouldn't even consider contact.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2009 12:14:36 GMT
My ex h was similar in that he would drink and drive so when he took my son out once I rang the police and reported him ! It was very difficult but I had to protect my son ! Nothing came of it that night but months later he was done for drink driving and chose to go to prison for 2 weeks instead of pay the £1000 fine ! That is because I had realised that he was spending thousands of pounds from our mortgage and put a stop to it so he could not access any money ! I didn't even know it had happened til after the event as he never told me anything that was happening as he he knew I would have reacted ! He was also having an affair and has a little boy who is now 2yrs old now ! He does not live with the mother and will not converse with me until recently when the CSA tracked him down ! I refused to engage with him as I am now in control of my own life and cannot help him with his !He makes arrangements with my son (always refused to request visits or make arrangements prefering to only deal with our son) and then he will say he cannot see him as he has more important things to do and I am left to pick up the pieces yet again ! My son has a punch bag and after the said incident last week-end he drew a stick man and wrote DAD above it and gave it a good old punch ! I always try and find him ways of disposing of his anger and disappointment as there has been a lot of it and I dont see why he should become dysfunctional due to either his Dad or me for that matter ! Writing things down which he has done eg when his dad informed him " it wasn't my fault that he had gone to jail" ! Iv'e never seen my son so mad (he was 8) and he tried desparately to tell his dad how he felt but dad just would not listen so I got him to write it down and also he illustrated his letter which made him feel much better as you can imagine ! I then gave himthe option of destroying it or giving it to his dad he chose the latter but was too scared so asked me to deliver it which I did ! I have also used this technique myself and found it to be very useful ! Just wanted to share my experiences in case they help someone else ! There has been a dwindling of contact over the years but not because of anything I have done as I have always encouraged his relationship with his dad and find it all sad but feel it is meant to be and am in the process of finding male mentors for my son.If anyone would be interestd and lives near us then please let me know ! I think that mentors are so important for our young people at this time especially as there are so many single parents (not all femail) who could benefit from the opposite sex input that their children are lacking ! One of my favourite sayings is "It takes a whole village to raise a child "
LOVE LIGHT AND ANGELS TO ALL XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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Post by Deleted on Oct 2, 2009 19:59:13 GMT
I'm sorry but you need to put the children first here, his letting them down is psychologically affecting them, they will learn how to be men through their father, wen in doubt drink, wen it hurts, drink. Wen u feel threatened, drink, wen it all goes tits up, drink! Co thas wat men do and they wont be able to BE fathers to their kids co they never really had one, I had the same problem wiv the father of my son, he had SO many problems, ALL caused by rejection, its indemic inside him, he feels worthless as shite, and I phone his father up in the end and said 'you've screwed him up enough, you had a chance to be a father and u proved u cudnt be one so SLING your hook'! BEST decision I ever made but I wished I'd done it sooner, my sons 17 and his daughter was just put in care, like father like son. If you love your son, forget wat the drunken looser wants GET SHOT NOW before theyre irrepairably damaged, I BEG YOU! Thing is they willl already kow hes a loser, so u need to protect yrself, if hes abusive get a restraining order and if he wants to see them set up a contact centre wiv the express warning he blows it ONCE, hes fukked, contact centres wont allow him in if he even smells like hes had ONE drink, don't think about him. The relationship shud ALWAYS be more important than the issue EXCEPT WEN THE ISSUE IS ABUSE, Put it this way wud u let him near them if you knew he was abusing them? No? Well wat hes doin in systematic psychological, mental and emotional abuse, STOP IT NOW!!! PLEASE!!!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2009 19:27:19 GMT
you dont say how old children aren? If they are under five you can contact a childrens centre near you. They offer one to one non judgemental advice a shoulder to cry on, helping to organise contact legally, finanical support and help etc etc. The government have spent millons on them and they offer fantastic services for any parents and children under 5
I wish you well it cant be an easier time, i think leaving your alcholic husband took guts and determination, and you must be feeling low and vulunerable now. But ashow the same determination you had when leaving your husband, to making sure your children are safe, and dont get screwed up by what often can be a cruel world. I wish you and your chiodren all the best Take Care
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