Post by inittogether on Nov 28, 2013 9:21:16 GMT
Hi there,
I'm new to the forum and was introduced to it by my husband who came across it looking for help and support for himself. I have recently been feeling the cracks begin to appear so thought I would come on here for some advice or even just support to know that I am not alone.
My story is rather long and I am sure you will get bored by the time you get to the end but I would be grateful if you could try.
I met my husband nearly 14 years ago. At the time he was being treated for depression and being seen by a psychiatrist for it. He stopped taking them not long after we got together. We were friends first and soon began to fall in love. He seemed a happy go lucky kind of guy and was more than happy to spend loads of money on me - a trait I found endearing at the time as he was wooing me and now is one of the major things we row about (the unthinking spending of money on ANYTHING). Throughout our relationship he didn't seem as keen as me to go out and have fun with friends and as a result we lost a lot of friends along the way. Even when I tried to pursue my own friendships, he always made me feel guilty by saying things like "stay with me" or "what am I going to do" so I eventually gave up. Things like exercise also lost against his need for me to be with him. I don't feel like he has ever supported me doing something that I wanted to do and I feel perhaps it is because he was unhappy in himself and didn't want to feel like I was getting on with my life without him??? He'd have bouts of being down but being young I never thought of it as a problem.
The real downhill turn came when we had our first child. Literally a couple of months after our son was born he bought himself an Xbox. He would spend hours on end playing and trying to have a conversation with him or getting him to do something was an impossible task with the result that I became a 'nag'. I became extremely resentful of him and his Xbox and would fantasise about 'accidentally' spilling some liquid on it when he was not around. The only thing that stopped me was the fact it meant he would spend more money replacing it. I felt that I was doing everything with our son but he saw it differently which led to numerous arguments. We decided to emigrate when my son was 18 months old for which I did all the arrangements because he couldn't pull his finger. I also want to add that he was extremely close to his family to the point where we saw them every day which I also resented a bit as I wanted us to grow our own family (maybe childish but I just felt seeing them every day was not necessary). Apart from spending a short time living away from home when he was at Uni, he lived at home till he was 30 with a mum who had never worked and made her kids her whole life. He had always, therefore, had someone to pick up after him, make him tea/coffee/lunch/dinner, do his washing and cleaning etc. To this day he blames me for moving here. We have been quite successful in the move but as soon as he's feeling down or misses his family or things are not going well, the blame game begins. He says he never wanted to come here and I've always maintained that he should have said so - these things are for discussion!! I don't quite believe it anyway. I think that when things are good he is happy here but when things are not good he wants to be able to blame someone. The idea was that I would work and he could study as he never completed his degree but upon arriving here it was the time the economic downturn hit and we were unable to pursue this. I've been told I am a lier and deceived him deliberately to get him over here. It took him about four months to find a job during which time I worked full time and he was extremely depressed. I'd come home from a full day at work to an untidy house, washing up not done from the night before and me wondering if he'd even done anything to stimulate our son (he used to let my son sit next to him and watch him play games). I would have to wash up before I started the supper. More rows. Things improved slightly when he found a job but he was constantly bored and was never happy just doing things as a family like playing a game, going for a walk, going for a picnic. He wasn't happy unless he could spend money. It improved his mood for all of five minutes and then the high would be over. Every time he wanted to buy something it would end up in a row as I wouldn't 'let' him spend the money (we are talking buying expensive gadgets etc.) I would end up feeling guilty for being careful with our cash and he made me 'pay' for it by being moody, grumpy and miserable for the rest of the day.
He's never been capable of making a decision - even things like planning our family holiday is left to me and if something goes wrong, he's always very quick to say he wouldn't have done it that way or gone there etc. He completely ruined our last holiday (for which he had no input despite being prompted numerous times for suggestions) by being sulky and miserable 90 % of the time because it wasn't 'fun' and the house we were staying in was in the countryside and he would have preferred the city. He can be extremely sharp tongued and will do his very best to hurt me with very low blows. I do EVERYTHING. 95% of the house work, all the bills, checking bank accounts, important telephone calls, cooking, washing is left to me. The things I ask him to do is always "in a minute" and when I have to remind him, I'm nagging. He feels that he will do things in his own time and not when I say. I've been out till about 3 pm and come home to him waiting for me to make his lunch! He was working full time and when he'd come home would just flop on the sofa with his iPad and zone out for a couple of hours. This would infuriate me as even if I've been at work all day, I still have to walk straight in and start getting supper ready so we can get kids fed and in to bed. Also, his kids try talking to him and he's always so engrossed in what he's doing! All the hobbies he's taken up have always been solo hobbies - not ideal for a family! The xbox and fishing being the worst! He would work 5 days and then want to go spend the entire day fishing by himself. I began to get upset with it as I felt we never saw him and if I'm honest resentful of the fact that I was always 'stuck' with the kids with no time for myself EVER! As a result I found myself getting snappy with them as I never had any down time. I'm aware that I have written so much and I feel I have so much more to say but it's too long already :/ I find myself dreading his days off as I know that he will want to be entertained and I just feel I can't do it anymore. I have tried coming up with suggestions but he always says "nah, that's boring'. So I ask him what he'd like to do? "Don't know". Gahhhhhh it's so frustrating!!! I feel I can no longer cope with the stress of keeping him entertained. I think that one should be content to be at home with ones family doing things together most of the time and having 2 or 3 fun days out in a month on the weekend. Maybe I'm wrong but we don't have the money to go out every time he's off to do something he finds entertaining!
When he came across the symptoms of AADD he didn't tell me what it was but read me the symptoms and asked if he thought it sounded like him. I burst into tears. I've not gone in to all the things he displays as I've written a long enough post as it is but he displays most of the symptoms.
- Not being able to follow instructions or not remembering things I have told him (always thought it was him being lazy or deliberately 'not hearing' to avoid doing things)
- Not completing things leading me to call him "half job Joe"
- Hyperfocus (on his hobbies)
- Disorganised and procrastinating
- Lateness
- Leaving things till the last minute
- Addictive tendencies
- Sense of underachievement in spite of doing well at his job
- Trouble staying motivated
- Mood swings
I also feel over the years that he takes no interest in me whatsoever and can't be bothered to take me out. It's always my suggestion to go out and I don't feel he values me.
The possibility of him having AADD doesn't make me feel better as after reading some of the stories on here I worry that it will never get better and I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. It seems it is not easy to diagnose and even when it is, the help available for it is poor. I have seen a few success stories but at the beginning of our journey from what I've seen from the GP and a private psychiatrist on the phone, I don't hold out much hope. I can't talk to him about my hopelessness as I don't want him to feel it is hopeless. I need to be strong for both of us.......
Thanks for reading and well done if you got this far. I know I have rambled on a bit and didn't even scratch the surface of what I want to say
I'm new to the forum and was introduced to it by my husband who came across it looking for help and support for himself. I have recently been feeling the cracks begin to appear so thought I would come on here for some advice or even just support to know that I am not alone.
My story is rather long and I am sure you will get bored by the time you get to the end but I would be grateful if you could try.
I met my husband nearly 14 years ago. At the time he was being treated for depression and being seen by a psychiatrist for it. He stopped taking them not long after we got together. We were friends first and soon began to fall in love. He seemed a happy go lucky kind of guy and was more than happy to spend loads of money on me - a trait I found endearing at the time as he was wooing me and now is one of the major things we row about (the unthinking spending of money on ANYTHING). Throughout our relationship he didn't seem as keen as me to go out and have fun with friends and as a result we lost a lot of friends along the way. Even when I tried to pursue my own friendships, he always made me feel guilty by saying things like "stay with me" or "what am I going to do" so I eventually gave up. Things like exercise also lost against his need for me to be with him. I don't feel like he has ever supported me doing something that I wanted to do and I feel perhaps it is because he was unhappy in himself and didn't want to feel like I was getting on with my life without him??? He'd have bouts of being down but being young I never thought of it as a problem.
The real downhill turn came when we had our first child. Literally a couple of months after our son was born he bought himself an Xbox. He would spend hours on end playing and trying to have a conversation with him or getting him to do something was an impossible task with the result that I became a 'nag'. I became extremely resentful of him and his Xbox and would fantasise about 'accidentally' spilling some liquid on it when he was not around. The only thing that stopped me was the fact it meant he would spend more money replacing it. I felt that I was doing everything with our son but he saw it differently which led to numerous arguments. We decided to emigrate when my son was 18 months old for which I did all the arrangements because he couldn't pull his finger. I also want to add that he was extremely close to his family to the point where we saw them every day which I also resented a bit as I wanted us to grow our own family (maybe childish but I just felt seeing them every day was not necessary). Apart from spending a short time living away from home when he was at Uni, he lived at home till he was 30 with a mum who had never worked and made her kids her whole life. He had always, therefore, had someone to pick up after him, make him tea/coffee/lunch/dinner, do his washing and cleaning etc. To this day he blames me for moving here. We have been quite successful in the move but as soon as he's feeling down or misses his family or things are not going well, the blame game begins. He says he never wanted to come here and I've always maintained that he should have said so - these things are for discussion!! I don't quite believe it anyway. I think that when things are good he is happy here but when things are not good he wants to be able to blame someone. The idea was that I would work and he could study as he never completed his degree but upon arriving here it was the time the economic downturn hit and we were unable to pursue this. I've been told I am a lier and deceived him deliberately to get him over here. It took him about four months to find a job during which time I worked full time and he was extremely depressed. I'd come home from a full day at work to an untidy house, washing up not done from the night before and me wondering if he'd even done anything to stimulate our son (he used to let my son sit next to him and watch him play games). I would have to wash up before I started the supper. More rows. Things improved slightly when he found a job but he was constantly bored and was never happy just doing things as a family like playing a game, going for a walk, going for a picnic. He wasn't happy unless he could spend money. It improved his mood for all of five minutes and then the high would be over. Every time he wanted to buy something it would end up in a row as I wouldn't 'let' him spend the money (we are talking buying expensive gadgets etc.) I would end up feeling guilty for being careful with our cash and he made me 'pay' for it by being moody, grumpy and miserable for the rest of the day.
He's never been capable of making a decision - even things like planning our family holiday is left to me and if something goes wrong, he's always very quick to say he wouldn't have done it that way or gone there etc. He completely ruined our last holiday (for which he had no input despite being prompted numerous times for suggestions) by being sulky and miserable 90 % of the time because it wasn't 'fun' and the house we were staying in was in the countryside and he would have preferred the city. He can be extremely sharp tongued and will do his very best to hurt me with very low blows. I do EVERYTHING. 95% of the house work, all the bills, checking bank accounts, important telephone calls, cooking, washing is left to me. The things I ask him to do is always "in a minute" and when I have to remind him, I'm nagging. He feels that he will do things in his own time and not when I say. I've been out till about 3 pm and come home to him waiting for me to make his lunch! He was working full time and when he'd come home would just flop on the sofa with his iPad and zone out for a couple of hours. This would infuriate me as even if I've been at work all day, I still have to walk straight in and start getting supper ready so we can get kids fed and in to bed. Also, his kids try talking to him and he's always so engrossed in what he's doing! All the hobbies he's taken up have always been solo hobbies - not ideal for a family! The xbox and fishing being the worst! He would work 5 days and then want to go spend the entire day fishing by himself. I began to get upset with it as I felt we never saw him and if I'm honest resentful of the fact that I was always 'stuck' with the kids with no time for myself EVER! As a result I found myself getting snappy with them as I never had any down time. I'm aware that I have written so much and I feel I have so much more to say but it's too long already :/ I find myself dreading his days off as I know that he will want to be entertained and I just feel I can't do it anymore. I have tried coming up with suggestions but he always says "nah, that's boring'. So I ask him what he'd like to do? "Don't know". Gahhhhhh it's so frustrating!!! I feel I can no longer cope with the stress of keeping him entertained. I think that one should be content to be at home with ones family doing things together most of the time and having 2 or 3 fun days out in a month on the weekend. Maybe I'm wrong but we don't have the money to go out every time he's off to do something he finds entertaining!
When he came across the symptoms of AADD he didn't tell me what it was but read me the symptoms and asked if he thought it sounded like him. I burst into tears. I've not gone in to all the things he displays as I've written a long enough post as it is but he displays most of the symptoms.
- Not being able to follow instructions or not remembering things I have told him (always thought it was him being lazy or deliberately 'not hearing' to avoid doing things)
- Not completing things leading me to call him "half job Joe"
- Hyperfocus (on his hobbies)
- Disorganised and procrastinating
- Lateness
- Leaving things till the last minute
- Addictive tendencies
- Sense of underachievement in spite of doing well at his job
- Trouble staying motivated
- Mood swings
I also feel over the years that he takes no interest in me whatsoever and can't be bothered to take me out. It's always my suggestion to go out and I don't feel he values me.
The possibility of him having AADD doesn't make me feel better as after reading some of the stories on here I worry that it will never get better and I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life. It seems it is not easy to diagnose and even when it is, the help available for it is poor. I have seen a few success stories but at the beginning of our journey from what I've seen from the GP and a private psychiatrist on the phone, I don't hold out much hope. I can't talk to him about my hopelessness as I don't want him to feel it is hopeless. I need to be strong for both of us.......
Thanks for reading and well done if you got this far. I know I have rambled on a bit and didn't even scratch the surface of what I want to say