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Post by cheekybuddha on May 4, 2014 15:57:16 GMT
Dear Adders, it's been along time since I wrote on here, hi to any who remeber me.
I am feeling desperate and don't know where to turn. My child's father left the country several months ago, (adhd also!)I simply I can't cope in my own. My son is 4 , highly possibly has ADHD, either way is very full on, doesn't listen is quite wilful and cheeky.
He can be ok with one or two playmates but In a crowd of kids gets stupidly over exited and inappropriate , as was with camping this weekend, it was stressful trying to get him to behave In an appropriate way ie not hitting screaming and being bossy.
Then heart breaking to watch the rejection by his peers who all seem more mature confident and to 'get it'
I ended up having quite a meltdown on way home and I am so ashamed to admit was screaming in his face that I hated him
Tbh I'm not a good enough parent but what do I do? I find it hard to motivate myself to play and be creatve and ignore him sometimes. I do try, we go out, we do a jigsaw, but we both get distracted!
. I've been on a waiting list for counselling for 2 years while he suffers, children services let me down and stopped coming after I got upset one day and shouted on phone. I'm definatley depressed and lonely, isolated. I've started wacking him impulsively recently , I'm so ashamed. Please don't preach to me, cos I already know. If anything the guilt cycle is causing more damage.
My neighbours must hear me losing it sometimes and I really shout, but only for short burst, then I full of remorse and try to repair the damage but I know it's too late. My mum has him now but she has lots on and doesn't want to have him as much as I need someone to have him , which I'd say would be about 2 nights a week. I have no other family nearby. But my neighbours have never invited me for a brew or offered to have him for an hour, they just give me dirty looks. I'm really sad right now and thinking of ring social services cos he deserves better than someone woth such an unstable mind being his main carer.
We are both stuck in a . Nightmare and don't know what To do
How can I control my temper and get motivated to be a better parent ? Fuck I'm desperate
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Post by petra on May 4, 2014 16:07:05 GMT
Just saw you had posted. Can't think properly atm to answer, but just wanted to say hi and send lots of love xxxxx
And, like you, I think I need to come back here!
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Post by contrarymary on May 4, 2014 20:53:29 GMT
cheekybuddha petra missed you both; not been the same without you and v happy to see you cheeky - really sorry to hear how hard it is for you at the moment. well done for posting and saying it how it is. of course you need some help! going from having your son's dad available to help to being on your own is tough stuff and will take some time to find a new normal. there are all sorts of ideas shooting into my head right now but i'm not sure if any of them are v helpful it's such a long time since my daughter was that age and she's inattentive rather than hyper. but one of the most useful pieces of advice i was given was to look after my needs because only then would i be able to look after my daughter's needs. so, how can you get your needs met? i can't believe you've been waiting two years for counselling!!! is this via your GP? can you follow it up and see what's going on, maybe get the GP (or whoever put you on the list) to chase it for you? i would definitely think about whether the GP might be able to help with anything anyway ... and thinking about what resources might be available locally... eg i wonder if there might be support groups or parenting classes for adhd parents in your area... some place where you can be supported and belong. i'm so sorry not to have better ideas - long day and feeling a bit all over the place myself... maybe fuzzywuzzy is more inspired.. hang on in there cheeky cm xx
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 5, 2014 6:15:05 GMT
Hi Petra and contrarymary thanks for your reply
Feeling embarrassed now for airing my very dirty laundry in public! I have been to drs so many times, I was assessed for community mental health support but I'm considered fine, I had mental health crisis team out once , she said she would ring me following day, neve did turned out they list my number. ! I have tried really hard and feel defeated. I have to wait 3 weeks for DR appointment and they just fob me off, With my internal confusion and stalling I'm just getting nowhere in life with anything, eg trying to sell my car I can't get it cleaned, then photographed then advertised, don't know where to start...I want to ask for help and be real but I'm scared of my son being taken off me.
I have an adhd diagnosis but no meds, I found my anxiety started to increasw after a few weeks on concerta , I have depression and I would say many aspergers symptoms . So I dunno where to go with that either, the clinic is 1.5 hours drive on motorway each way which I hate so I'm not getting anywhere.
My mum looking after him today and tomoz so I can sleep and rest which will help xx
I'm so tired of living like this, I'm on a downer now which makes me feel a lot of rage to the 'NT's who seem to have it all and find it so effortless (in comparison)
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Post by cheekybuddha on May 5, 2014 6:15:41 GMT
*lost my number
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Post by petra on May 5, 2014 11:51:05 GMT
Don't feel embarrassed about airing laundry - if we don't do it here where can we?
My kids are also older now. But, I remember just how very hard it was when they were little - it felt impossible and certainly took it's toll on me, and I definitely was not a perfect mum - you are far from alone in your experiences. And, it's so painful having so many unmet needs - it's not fair. You are clearly having to survive without the medical and emotional support you need, I wish I had the solution for this....
All I can suggest atm is that you be as kind as possible to yourself. You are number one. The more rest and doing of activities you enjoy the better. I believe a major key, especially for us ADHD'ers is to be as true to ourselves as possible.if you don't enjoy playing with your son ( I didn't with mine) maybe there is something totally different you could do together. I love animals, and found looking after pets with my kids worked better for me.
You are there for your son, and have more understanding of him than probably 99% of mums would. That is precious. I know what you've said, I just doubt you are as bad a mum as you think you are. And as for social situations - total nightmare! Personally I would avoid unless absolutely necessary.
One day at a time, and be kind to yourself xxx
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Post by contrarymary on May 5, 2014 11:55:23 GMT
cheeky - don't worry. this is one place where you can be as honest as you like you popped into my head just now - i wonder whether you have come across this free online cbt programme. it is free and straightforward and immediate. i've used it to reset my head sometimes when nothing else seems to work and i feel cut off from people or don't want to talk about stuff with the people in my life. today is Your Day cm x
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Post by fuzzywuzzy on May 5, 2014 17:35:56 GMT
Hi @cheekybuddha So sorry you're going through this right now.... following on from contrarymary's wise comments....yes, your needs definitely need looking after.....I have been suffering from depression (bipolar depression) many times in the past....and been fobbed off by GP in the past....NOW I just won't put up with it....mine told me off for making an urgent appointment recently and I soon put him straight on mental health issues and emergencies.....7 days in a row with 3 hours sleep IS an emergency in my situation...and you must insist on an appointment straight away, taking someone with you for strength and support if you need to.....depression is every bit as urgent as many purely physical conditions......on the phone explain that 'the crisis team have already had to come out' .....or even get a friend to say this, and that 'they're really worried about you' (and even 'what you might do') you've only got to get past the receptionist and they won't know the facts..... this will hopefully get you the help that you need.....it's utterly ridiculous to wait 3 weeks for an appointment....and absolutely outrageous to wait 2 years for counselling.... will think some more about your son and try to help with ideas there p.s. Re counselling, might be worth looking at some women's charities before GP appointment.....I found one that said I could ask GP to refer directly....and just 2 weeks later I was seeing a lovely lady once a week, for 8 weeks.....it could have been increased too but would need to transfer to different counsellor in same unit
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andyplink
Member's not posted much yet
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Post by andyplink on May 10, 2014 18:58:04 GMT
Hi ave just signed up. I haven't had my diagnosis yet, been waiting 17 months now. I have always known I had a problem but felt to ashamed and worthless to speak to my doctor. As a child though the signs were there. I was 21b 12 ounces born, couldn't read or write properly up until aged 10. Concentration span 0, bored easily, left most jobs, got a great job in Dubai working with Emirates Airlines but the exams I just couldn't remember everything. So they told me I couldn't complete the course. How embarrassing. I tried to pass my driving test but failed at 17. I'm now 41 and only 12 months ago decided I need help. I can't hold down a job or try and go back having driving lessons. It's way to shameful. My mum constantly ridicules me on how much money I have spent on lessons, and the great jobs what I have left. I tried to do a Beauty Course but left after 6 weeks as I didn't have a clue what was going on, and when the tutor asked me questions I couldn't answer her question. I am so disparate to get some diagnosis as I to am a single mum of two boys........
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Post by cheekier on May 15, 2014 21:49:08 GMT
cheek! get yourself to an adhd meeting of some sort asap. you don't need to say anything when you get there, just be around some adhders, it will help xxx
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Post by supine on May 15, 2014 23:26:42 GMT
Hi CheekyBuddha, it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a right old pickle! If there's something we all understand is that once things start getting on top of you it can snowball like crazy into a World spinning out of control. I can only echo what others have already said - you need to look after yourself, and I appreciate how hard this will appear to be with an ADHD nipper! The only think I can think of (although I expect you are busy from eyes-open to late-night collapse) is that 1/2 hour meditation practiced *every* single day may give you the necessary head-space to see your own solutions to the problems you've got - after all, no-one really knows what you are going through as well as you do. One exercise I've often found useful when faced with a dilemma is to imagine someone who has similar issues and then try and offer them advice. Taking yourself out of the equation will help you gain perspective. When you have given this person the advice (I find that I end up giving a *lot* of advice ) you may need to filter this down into the main thing you need to do first (such as the action that will help you reduce your stress levels and so make better decisions and lose your temper less). I have a terrible temper and it's taken me a long time to get to grips with it (still have the odd relapse mind ) and I've found that it's the frustration that sets me off more than anger, but everyone's different. Deep breathing excercises might be useful too - do them even when you aren't stressed - make them part of some other routine thing you do (such as the washing up) - that way it becomes habit. I suck at keeping up routines, but then I only have my own personal development to worry about, your son's well-being should give you all the motivation you need (once you stop feeling like you hate him of course ) andyplink - welcome to the forum, but you might be better off starting your own thread - there are loads of helpful people on here and off-topic posts are very ADHD but I think CheekyBuddha has enough going on without a thread hijack!
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Post by Beaver on May 31, 2014 22:30:24 GMT
hi CheekyBuddha
I really struggled with my daughter at that age, I found myself yelling at her quite often and always felt terrible about it after. I have had short courses of nhs counselling over the years which have helped and also I went on a positive parenting course which was brill. I still struggle now (she's nine) but I don't shout as often and I also try to give her understanding when she can't help her behaviour. I remind myself that if I can't help it how can I expect her to. Two years is way too long to wait for counselling, there may have been a mistake. I would go back and ask for a re-referral. I had to do this once and the new referral came through in two weeks. It's horrible when you're asking for help and it's not being given. I don't understand why children's services have withdrawn support, surely if you're shouting that's a sign they need to help you more? It sounds like you're burnt out and maybe both you and your son are still coming to terms with his dad leaving. I find outdoor activities with friends can work better for my daughter, especially in nature, it seems to calm her (and me!), although it sounds like that didn't work with the camping. Maybe something simpler like a play in the park, if done regularly he may calm down with it. If my daughter is v excited about seeing friends I try to make sure she has a walk or something acute first to discharge it a bit, and I'm careful what she has to eat and drink-not too many sweet treats etc. You say you find it hard to play with him. Can you find games or activities that you enjoy a bit yourself? It's hard to keep them entertained when you're on your own with them so much, I've had to manage with little support and often you just don't feel like playing.
Don't be too harsh on yourself, this is a learning journey, you can learn to find ways to manage. You'll get to know your son's triggers and warning signs for behaviour (if not already) so that you can intervene earlier to help prevent them. For example my daughter is really hard work and hyper when she is tired, which other people don;t always recognise, so I try to get her to bed or resting/quiet time before she gets to that stage of overstimulation where I can't get through to her. Also learning to spot it in myself before it makes me feel crazy!
Try to notice the good things your son does and give him lots of praise for them, even if it's just a small thing in a crazy day.
Hope this isn;t too waffly to read!
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Post by terry33 on Oct 16, 2014 21:30:02 GMT
i keep all the bad stuff in a pandoras box in my mind.it stays there until i need it,as a last resort.it is my nuclear deterrent. 42 yrs of adhd without meds or professional support.you learn to swim ,or drown.
large social groups and adhd are a bad mix.one or two friends is fine,but more than that is confusing.i was desperate to be the center of attention,and to be accepted,when i was at school.decades of social rejection has given me THE FREEDOM not to care if others accept me or not.i can happily sit in the corner at a party.just chillin'.nothing to prove to anyone and no need to 'fit in' 42 years.......every day is a better day than the last.
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Post by tink on Oct 25, 2014 9:33:46 GMT
I think it's brilliant that u were able to come here and express yourself. Writing stuff down (particularly manually, i.e. on paper) has really helped me during my bad times over the years... It kind of gets it out of my head and "out there".
My daughter is now 21 and diagnosed ADHD too. When she was growing up we both really struggled (but i didn't know what the problem was). I never understood why I found it so difficult to sit down and play with her, I just couldn't seem to and kept putting it off. Luckily my parents were really good at helping with this.
It also really helped when I went on to anti depressants and I've now been on sertraline for years. They really calmed me down and took the edge off things.
Life is very hard when trying to cope ourselves, especially when bringing up a child on top of that. You deserve every support there is available. Keep pushing for it and never give up. I reckon it's those who shout the loudest who r heard and given what they need.
Be kind to yourself...
Tink x
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spanna
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 66
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Post by spanna on Oct 27, 2014 21:19:49 GMT
Hi cheeky,
I'm pretty new here, And only at the beginning of my ADHD journey so don't know enough to offer any practical advice.
But I am a Mum and I do know how hard it can be. I can sympathise with getting angry and feeling guilty. I hope you get the help and support you need.
By the fact that you're on here trying to help yourself shows you're a good mum! Remember that.
Big hugs xx
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mrsh
Member posts quite a bit
Posts: 106
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Post by mrsh on Oct 29, 2014 16:29:32 GMT
Hi there, I too haven't posted for ages and I do remember you, I am sure you were one of the people who came to my aid when I posted a very similar thing to what you have done. It is the school holidays - oh how I dread them. Spending time with them especially when all senses are on fire is like torture. I can't imagine what it is like having to deal with this alone. My husband was away on business for a few weeks and I was high as a kite for the first week until mood dropped and I had to visit doc, health visitor - anyone who would listen that I couldn't cope on my own. I was scared of what I might do if left alone with them. A while back we got social services involved but they too had no understanding and just said no risk and discharged us. There should be so much more support out there for ADHD parents.
Because I still have similar issues I don't feel I can help much but I have learned that - intentions are pure, so don't beat yourself up (easier said than done I know). Some parents (like my neighbors) let their kids walk round in dog poo covered gardens with nothing on feet, half naked in winter, they don't seem to care, but keep having more babies. We at least care enough to say we are struggling and need help. We don't want to feel this way. I hope there is more support for you, please take care xxx
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Post by blaze on Oct 31, 2014 8:46:57 GMT
Hey op, have you been back to the thread? Has any of the advice helped? Id agree that looking after yourself is important and asking for help too.
Are you in england/wales? if so and your son hasnt turned 5 yet can you self refer to homestart? Its jst normal mums helping other mums and theres no judgement jst support. Do you use your free hrs ar nursery/preschool? Can you do something for yourself in that time like gym or swim to help with stress? Can you ask your hv for support? They cd refer you to parenting classes, theres a three p one iv heard of thats supposed to be helpful. Do you use your sure start centre, they have free courses/classes too and creche facilities for them. I think snapping at kids when under stress happens, but saying you hate him and hitting him is pretty.extreem and while I dont think you shd beat yourself up about it I do think its v important to take steps to stop it, and I think asking for help is important. If your neigjbours were to report any concerns to ss it wd look bad for you but I think standing up admitting your struggling and adking for help looks gd for you. Ss only temove kids as a last resort, if nothing else it costs the councils scarey amounts of moeny to keep kids in care so they only spend this if all other options have been tried or if theres immediate risk. They cd hurry up counciling fir you, get you a family sulport worker, etc. also have you tried the gingerbread charity? Its a national charity that supports single parents and iv heard great things about tjem.
Preschoolers are tough (i have twin three yrolds, also prob adhd) and I think its smwhat tougher because by this age peopls expect life has got easier when for me I find it tougher. I find how to raise your spirited child helpful, and highly sensitive children. Aha parenting is realy gd website, it helps me keep in mind whats normal for their age and has simple llay ideas. The immagination tree has gd play ideas too if you look past how 'perfect mum' it seems.
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