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Post by clubby on Oct 18, 2015 18:03:25 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 20, 2015 22:57:44 GMT
Ooh, the forum decides that this is 'new'
I don't feel new. . .I've had some news that means that my move to Hull - YES, HULL!! is going to be delayed by legal stupid stuff. . .
I WANT TO MOVE NOW!! I may not feel so excited in 2 or 3 or 4 or 6 weeks . .. I have ADHD . . .I WANT IT NOW!!!!!
I may seem like a nice middle aged woman . . . but I have the emotional sensibility of a 4 year old!!!
I can and will have tantrums!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
at the moment I'm just having a bit of an angry cry. . . on my own, so it doesn't really matter. . .
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2015 8:49:23 GMT
Hey, Everyone would cry , be angry, freak out in that situation. It's allowed. Hope it gets sorted. It's totally healthy to react in the way you are doing
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 21, 2015 8:56:54 GMT
bums bums bums vagueandrandom and you have an unexpected "holiday" with your parents. any way you could use it for a particular thing, rather than hanging time...? i hate hanging time with a passion, but have found if i can reframe it as time out to do x then it can be transformed into something less exhausting/frustrating/stressful xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 22, 2015 11:51:54 GMT
contrarymary I'm at my parent's house, but they're on holiday and I have no car and it's in a small country town. I've been going to the gym and one of my parent's friends drops by from time to time and took me for lunch on Sunday. Although it's the town where I grew up, it's not a house where I have lived before, so I can't find stuff and it's not 'home'. I get un-nerved when I'm not able to have my organisational systems around me. I've got a whole house, but am spending most of my time in a small bedroom because it's where I feel safe.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 22, 2015 12:46:41 GMT
OK, I'm expecting some flack for this. . .
On Tuesday, I couldn't remember if I'd taken my concerta or not (it doesn't seem to have much of an effect) so I decided to take (another?) one
as I didn't have any plans and if I ended up accidentally taking 72mg I'd find out what would happen.
I did end up taking 72mg. My sight was blurred, I felt spaced out and tired, then I got a killer headache and I still had it yesterday, so I didn't take any more.
So I've decided to have a bit of a break from meds. The most noticeable effect so far has been less fluctuating moods and less rage.
I'm also more physically 'calm'. I have no improvement in focus.
After the first couple of weeks of blissful sleep I have been mainly very tired and when the meds wear off in the evening, my brain wakes up and I can't sleep.
I'm finding the tiredness and lack of energy is making me even less productive.
I'll be monitoring myself carefully and may decide to start taking them again.
I currently have no GP or specialist to consult.
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Post by clubby on Oct 22, 2015 21:54:47 GMT
Isn't life full of contradictions. People say of me -you're so disorganised, you can't organise a piss up in a brewery, you never think ahead. Yet here I am in complete limbo land, totally disempowered and unable to plan due to circumstances. It's driving me nuts. Maybe it's the loss of the goal to head towards. Do you know what I mean vagueandrandom?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 22, 2015 22:25:06 GMT
I do know clubbyI like to have plans and goals, even if I don't achieve them. They can be dreams, or fantasies, but they can drive me forwards. It's hope. I read in one of Edward Hallowell's books that people with ADHD can fail every day, yet still have hope. You said it was like being a caged animal, and it is. If I had a completion date, even in a month's time, my excitement about the move would return. My hope. The uncertainty crushes my hope. I can't start on any of my overblown fantasies of what I'll do when I move (and probably won't happen). Letting my mind flow with possibilities makes me happy. I feel unable to have my flights of fancy until the housing issue is solved.
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Post by clubby on Oct 23, 2015 7:54:52 GMT
Well said vagueandrandom. That is EXACTLY how I feel. The completion opens the door to wonderland, wherein lies the prime motivator attached to the feeling of hope.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 26, 2015 9:48:43 GMT
Quick update. 5 days with no meds. Not so tired. Got quite a lot done, but that could be circumstance.
I travelled 6 hours by public transport to see some art and stayed in a B&B on my own, which I've never done before.
And most of it involved looking at a framed bit of sky, or sitting in a dark room looking at dim colours changing very slowly (James Turrell).
I've loved his work for years and wonder why, especially considering my now diagnosed ADHD.
I can sit still and concentrate FOR A VERY LONG TIME - on NOT VERY MUCH - WHY? HOW?
1. The setting is very quiet, often dark and unadorned, so there are very few distractions.
2. Hyperfocus.
3. With the hyperfocus, I am able to clear my mind and feel calm, like true meditation. I found it emotional, almost like a religious experience.
I know that some of you practice mindfulness (which I disapprove of) where you concentrate on a moment in your life, but this is concentration
on 'it', not 'me'. I have no sense of self.
I wish I could do it in everyday life on a regular basis - I'll have to see if I've got a large, dark cupboard in my new house (it's very tempting).
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Post by clubby on Oct 26, 2015 15:50:37 GMT
I am confused.
I bought a book on mindfulness which, not surprisingly, I didn't read except for my usual 5 minute dip-in.
I assumed that the process was about using one mental activity to calm down another out of control mental activity, and so bring oneself into the sensory world rather than endlessly whizzing round in the head.
I couldn't concentrate on a moment in my life if I was paid a million dollars. I use the tempo of an imagined drumbeat to control my neurons when they are behaving badly.
Whatever works for you and gives you peace, do it. So glad you had a great break.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 26, 2015 16:12:40 GMT
there's a thread or two on mindfulness and adhd here somewhere, including one from when some of us tried a book on the subject about a year ago. not very successfully at all. i hated the book, the voice, the ideas. it was impossible and everyone gave up then someone posted a link to wildmind.org's free meditation back in january of this year, and i haven't looked back. there's a simple guided meditation on different theme each month. it has revolutionised my life, given me greater awareness, patience etc than anything whatsoever ever has before in my whole life. now, sometimes, i'm able to stop and simply Be in the moment, to find myself where i am rather than letting my brain run amok with stories about what's happening/happened/going to happen. it's enabled me to begin to notice the difference between thoughts and feelings, between reality and fears and imaginations. i'm not on medication, but i recognise from my experience of meditation something of the epiphany which others find with medication. a slowing down of reactivity, a chance to change my mind and develop new, more helpful habits i have issues with medication largely (tho not entirely) because of side effects and brain damage caused by previously-taken prescription meds. i think that meditation can be an amazingly helpful tool, more so when combined with exercise, yoga, diet, structure, sleep etc
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 21:34:09 GMT
Kind peoples, I only take Concerta for the Dopamine ( yeah I haven't spelt that correctly). I don't think it works for everybody It never gave me that" reading glasses moment" Nor does it give me wonderful "focus" But for some strange reason I see it as a fast acting anti depressant No other anti depressant worked for me And neither does concerta provide a miracle cure It does not make me more attentive to learning It does not turn me into a sociable person It is just dopamine to me Nothing more , nothing less And it also gives me chronic anxiety But it is better than being so depressed I can't move To me, concerta is an anti depressant er, what was this thread about again? erm soz like
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 28, 2015 22:27:23 GMT
OK reply 1 - contrarymary Meditation is good when it takes you to somewhere beyond the self. My issue with *mindfulness* (to my understanding) is that it's about 'being in the moment' and thinking about the way that you feel . . . I feel that it's cut-price instant meditation and isn't anything to do with 'true' meditation (btw I'm not a spiritual person) I already think too much about thinking and feeling and being free of my *self* is liberating. I've also read that mindfulness can trigger or enhance depersonalisation - something that I feel quite frequently and wouldn't want to encourage. You seem to be doing *actual* meditation, rather than (bloody) mindfulness, so well done you! (btw that was not sarcastic)
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 22:32:55 GMT
Noooo
It's about flow of thoughts
recognizing what is going on in mind
and focus
decipher what thoughts are really important and what is not
I'd like to try meditation one day
But
Not eradicate "the self" as is Buddhist practice
Imagine
No
Self!!
Spooky
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 28, 2015 22:49:53 GMT
Reply 2 to @alec77 I totally get the anti-depressant thing about concerta.
I'm not saying that I won't go back, or try another psychoactive drug.
I'm already feeling a lot more fragile and that I'd quite like to dig a big hole to hide in.
The only anti-depressant I ever took that worked was Venlafaxine, but the side-effects and withdrawal were FROM HELLL!!!
And I'm NEVER EVER taking LITHIUM AGAIN!!
I'm torn. . . I just had a couple of days back in London and had a party (with drinks! and DJs!and presents!) and I told a few people about the ADHD.
and because they're lovely people, everyone was supportive. . .
. . . and they know how depressed I've been . .
. . .and I didn't realise that I do actually have a few friends, even if we don't see each other for years (and, yes, they're all freaks)
. . . and one of the DJs played a 'Misty's Big Adventure' track for me (OMG facehands!!)
So, back to the subject. . . I had less extreme moods with concerta, but also headaches and super-tiredness. . .
I jumped out of bed at 6.30 am this morning with a clear mind, but I was paying for it this afternoon. . .
I've been hiding from emails and mail and the phone and forgetting the ONLY thing on my shopping list and in the countryside everything shuts at 5
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 28, 2015 23:04:26 GMT
OMG!!! I've become a 'Senior Member' - does that mean I'm really old?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 23:10:42 GMT
manufactured realities we think therefor we are focus on something else write yer own manifesto put in a good bit of realism and hey presto just stick to the pre programmed plan learn about you the rest will follow man i am on fire tonight
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 23:12:56 GMT
Yes senior means old
yet it is not relevant to age in a physical real worldy sense
just means ya posted tons on 'ere
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 28, 2015 23:42:18 GMT
Have you had a drink @alec77 ?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 28, 2015 23:46:18 GMT
Erm no
hic
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 29, 2015 19:40:35 GMT
Today I have mostly been shredding! I'm very excited by this - why have I not discovered it before now? I don't need 20 year old payslips and bank statements! And there's something very satisfying about seeing bags full of shredded paper. ?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 29, 2015 23:13:28 GMT
That last post was bravado.
I had to make 4 phone calls (anyone who's been reading my posts knows how much I hate the phone) and now I'm going to have to find nearly £8,000 by next week and I've got no job and no money until the sale of my flat goes through.
And I'm on my own in the middle of nowhere and would really like some actual human contact.
So I'm making do with posting this to you, my imaginary friends.
Don't worry, tomorrow's another day and I'll get over it.
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Post by contrarymary on Oct 30, 2015 10:07:10 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 30, 2015 13:43:11 GMT
Thanks contrarymary In the last couple days of ADHD Awareness Month, I am posting here to say that I am now 'aware'. I'm not going to tag Planet Dave because he'll say that he told me so. . . . . after the crazy, needy, insomniac mania that I experienced last night when I couldn't keep my brain from racing until about 3am I've decided to start taking the tablets again. I thought that I wasn't getting much of a benefit and didn't like the side-effects. The benefit that I had from having a break from meds is that I am now more 'aware' of what my ADHD is like. In the past week my moods have been swinging like crazy. I've experienced overwhelm and depersonalisation and rage. And my brain is racing like a runaway train and I'm hyperfocussing on eating icecream and the internet, but I can't concentrate long enough to watch a whole TV programme or to complete any tasks. That's what my 'normal' always has been.It is destructive. I just wasn't 'aware'. @alec77 said that he treats concerta as an antidepressant. I'm not sure I'd go that far, but my moods have been more even. I have still had episodes where I've been reckless and impulsive and destructive and over-emotional, even on the meds. Maybe I haven't got the dose right yet, or maybe I need to try something else, but it's all academic until I move and get to see a local consultant - and who knows how long that might be?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Oct 31, 2015 4:11:53 GMT
FFS - how is it now 4am?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2015 9:33:05 GMT
Yep. I went back on my meds yesterday and was awake until around that time this morning!!!!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 1, 2015 23:08:27 GMT
Finally!. . . the crash!
I've been so out of control recently and I've only posted a fraction of it here.
Couldn't sleep again last night - got up after about 4 hours sleep, did some cleaning, went to the gym for 90 mins
then got lost inside the music and I couldn't stop, so I went home and danced and danced. . .
until my parents arrived back off holiday and I talked and talked -
and after dinner I crashed - it's like having other people around gives me a structure and stops my mind from running away with itself.
It had to come, I'm glad if it means I might sleep tonight, but now I feel so shit and embarrassed at my thoughts and behaviours over the past few weeks.
I really shouldn't spend too much time alone. I need external structure and plans and lists to hold myself together.
I don't think it's related to stopping and starting my meds, in fact, I think that my night-time alertness is due to them wearing off.
I get tired between 7 and 9pm, then wake up.
I'm a pathetic, ridiculous creature and I'm going to crawl into my hole.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 1, 2015 23:53:02 GMT
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Post by clubby on Nov 2, 2015 8:50:59 GMT
vagueandrandom you are not pathetic at all. You are simply alive and kicking. Don't feel ashamed of who you are. I love when I am left by myself, because I get the chance to dance through the night, sleep when i'm tired, eat when i'm hungry, hyperfocus to exhaustion, turn the world upside down and shake out all that pent up energy that is stored up while trying to conform.
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