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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 10, 2015 10:32:49 GMT
So. . . I got diagnosed yesterday and took my first 18mg of Concerta over 4 hours ago and I can't say that it's done anything that is an improvement. I'm making more mistakes in my typing than usual. My eyes feel kind of heavy and tired and slow and I've spent a lot of the morning trying to break myself out of daydreams. It could just be that I'm tired because I got my diagnosis and I've accepted an offer on my flat which means I can move, so I didn't sleep much because my mind was racing (but that's not unusual). I remembered to take my thyroxine with the Concerta, but forgot the antihistamine, I only remembered when I had a massive sneezing fit. I've got loads of things to do, but haven't started any of them yet. My head is quieter, but I just keep stopping and staring into space, or at the screen and not really thinking about anything. I feel disconnected from the world. I'm not stressed out and anxious about all of the things that I need to do, but I'm not doing, which I suppose is something, but I'm still not getting stuff done. Maybe I should go for a walk. PS: for those of you who are interested, Vague and Random was my DJ name
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 12, 2015 14:13:20 GMT
Woo! look at me, I've now posted 'somewhat'
Ok, so I decided not to take meds yesterday as I had an afternoon garden party to go to and wanted to enjoy it and maybe have a couple of drinks.
I did and it was good.
I told someone about my diagnosis and was really surprised by his negative response.
He told me that I don't have ADHD, he thought I may have OCD or ASD (which is news to me), and was really angry about an encounter with an ADDer that he'd had.
We'd been talking about his meds for depression, so I thought he might understand. I changed the subject.
What is it about ADHD that people find 'difficult'?
I spoke to my mum on the phone on Fri eve and she didn't really want to talk about my diagnosis. I told her about trying the meds and feeling bad and she told me to stop them.
I think she's afraid of meds because she thinks that they'll turn me into a zombie, or change my personality.
She's not good at 'mental illness' and has never understood my depression (and hated me taking antidepressants).
The thing is that when I suggested that I may be 'on the spectrum' last year she agreed that I might be and supported my assessment, speaking to the consultant about my childhood for an hour on the phone. She is a retired SEN teacher and a school governor with responsibility for SEN provision in a primary school.
She won't talk about ADHD. I'm sure it's because she's either misinformed or feels that it might be her 'fault'
Both of these reactions to my diagnosis prove that there's not enough knowledge/understanding of ADHD in the wider population (even in educated people)
I have to admit that until ADD was suggested at my ASD assessment, I knew very little about it and thought that it was all about naughty hyperactive boys.
I think that I can say that educating myself about ADHD, may have saved my life.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 12, 2015 14:23:52 GMT
That previous post got a bit long, so this one's today - and my second attempt at meds.
Took the 18mg Concerta at 8am and the only effect that I've noticed is that I feel a bit tired and my typing's still not as good.
My concentration's not good and I'm putting off tackling my 'to do' list.
I'm less anxious and I'm not getting up and down and wandering around my flat as much as usual.
I'm still zoning out more than usual, but I'm not getting 'stuck' inside my head.
So no noticeable improvement to the ADHD, but less side effects. I'm going to stick with it, but think I need a larger dose.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 13, 2015 12:20:01 GMT
Day 3 of meds: after feeling unbearably tired yesterday and dozing on and off all day, I feel OK today so it seems I'm tolerating them better. My concentration's still worse than usual and I'm finding it hard to stick to any tasks. I'm stressed out because the buyer for my flat has gone AWOL and the place I want to buy is pressurising me to give them the go ahead asap. This is not helped by the fact that I really hate using the phone. I'm feeling a bit tearful. I'm also worrying about my mum's reaction to my diagnosis. I'm thinking about writing a letter, but don't know how to start. I've been here a lot because I have no-one to speak to and I feel very alone. I have my last session with my counsellor tomorrow morning and am seeing my favourite GP in the evening, so I'm hoping that I'll get some positive energy from them.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 13, 2015 20:34:21 GMT
I'm very weepy today and my noise sensitivity is turned up to 11!!! I usually find a swim really relaxing, but had to get out of the pool in floods of tears and with my fingers in my ears - the noise and the echoes and the splashing! I don't normally like listening to my iPod when out and about, but had to to drown out all of the noises. I don't know if this is related to the meds, or if I've just had a really stressful shitty day (which I have). Apart from the noise and tears, I don't feel any different today on meds than how I do normally. I'm very tempted to up my dose before the week on 18mg is up.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 14, 2015 23:22:22 GMT
OK, so today. . . mainly tired, a bit sleepy and tearful. . . went to see my favourite GP for a catch-up and he was nice. Bought earplugs for the noise sensitivity.
Saw my ex (we split up more than 20 years ago) as he's the only person I can be totally myself with and it was so nice to talk and not to be judged.
Listened to loud music. Didn't finish paperwork or finish cleaning.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 16, 2015 16:29:27 GMT
OK, so yesterday was just 'meh' - I would have sworn that I'd not taken the tablet had I not recorded that I had.
SO, today I decided it was time to take 2 x 18mg and I feel much better - I can't say quite how, and I was a bit nervous talking to a stranger around noon and started to feel a biy 'speedy' but it seems to be fine now. I sometimes get like that naturally when I'm excited and nervous, so maybe I was just looking for it.
Lets see. . .
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 8:28:27 GMT
Since we're going through the same thing (I started June 22)...
Try to spot very subtle differences. After my first day on 36mg I got a little bit of rebound, but it was very subtle. Still a good indication it was doing something. I also woke up last Monday with that anxious and overwhelmed feeling. Took my meds and 30 minutes later my head was calm. The rest of the time I hardly notice anything, but the hints are there that it is working. Maybe it helps you (as long as you don't obsess about trying to spot something).
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 20, 2015 17:31:44 GMT
I'm back after a break. . . got a bit over-involved here and a bit sick of writing about myself. . .
What's happened? Meds wise, not much.
I've been at my mums' since Friday (on 36mg) and she was looking at me strangely, so dropped to 18mg for the weekend, but v tired.
Woke up today and thought fuck it, I'm better on 36mg, so took it. Mum looking at me weirdly again.
I'm a bit physically calmer, but forgetting names of things more often than usual. A bit 'speedy' and jittery from time to time.
What's really getting to me is that my mum is still in total denial. Neither of us has mentioned ADHD since I was here. I don't want her to feel awkward/upset if I bring it up.
She's always like this when I'm depressed, so I don't want to push it.
I'm glad and relieved to get a diagnosis, so I really don't get it.
More soon.
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ailsab
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Post by ailsab on Jul 20, 2015 23:51:13 GMT
Hi vagueandrandom, on a forum aiming to inform and assist people like this one I don't think it's possible to be 'over' involved so don't worry I personally like to read about everyone's individual experience, and cross reference them with my own. It's tough what you're going through with your mum and I can understand what you mean about not wanting to push it (I believe that I have a similar thing with my dad) but in the end her staying in denial and you needing to tip-toe around the subject helps neither of you in the long run. Is there anyone you can ask to act as a third party/buffer in discussing it with her? Or maybe take her with you to a councillor session so you have some backup on explaining what ADHD is and is not? Just throwing in some random ideas, sorry if I'm talking rubbish! x
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 21, 2015 13:48:20 GMT
Thanks for your reply ailsab I'm just feeling a bit over-sensitive at the moment. Another 'emotional' day on concerta and feeling very alone. I've written my mum a letter, but haven't sent it yet as I've been getting conflicting advice and she's now gone on holiday. She lives in a different part of the country to me. My main reason in getting to this point - diagnosis/meds - is that I don't really have any friends, don't speak to my sister and don't have a close emotional relationship with my mother. I don't have any other family. People seem to like me, but I've never worked out how to maintain friendships and relationships, which has been the root of my recurring depressions. I really want these things. I don't want to be on my own for ever. I've learned to cope quite well with organisation. I've developed systems that work for me (even before I knew anything about ADHD). I've found jobs that keep me stimulated, albeit on short-term zero hours contracts, but have never managed to get a job which uses my qualifications and knowledge. So, I can cope with ADHD and I'm quite happy with some of the quirks and off-the-wall nesses that come with it. I want to be understood and appreciated and to develop lasting human connections. Anyway, as I said, I'm having an emotional, super-sensitive day today and I realise that I'm wallowing in my own self pity. I'll probably be fine tomorrow.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 22, 2015 16:04:56 GMT
After my truly shitty day yesterday, I've had a reasonably good one today!
I started with Pilates and swimming, then looked at some art and found an old friend on linked in.
I got a copy of the ADHD assessment letter that they sent to my GP which is interesting.
My official diagnosis is ADHD hyperkinetic subtype, which is the one thing that I didn't expect before I went. I don't consider myself to be hyperactive.
I'm used to being unconventional, but the last comment is: "Overall it's a slightly odd presentation but I think that some ASD traits are in the mix and made her presentation something less than classic"
I also have possible dysthymia which I had to google and means persistant or neurotic depression.
There you go!
The only worrying thing is that it says review in 8 weeks. The Dr told me it would be 4 - 6 and I only got 60 concerta and I'm taking 2 a day now. . .
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 24, 2015 15:37:27 GMT
Surprise! more good news! After I posted on Wednesday I went to an exhibition opening and bumped into a couple of people I know, we went for a drink after and had a good time. Yesterday I managed to fill in solicitors forms (yawn!) find a chequebook and get to the Post Office to get them registered and posted. I did this on the way to the gym, and thought I'd been so organised and had remembered everything until I looked at my feet and saw . . . sandals! Didn't want to go all the way home on the bus, so bought a cheap pair of sparkly plimsols. At the gym, listening to my iPod, I made an amazing discovery - Tom Waits is great work-out music! - who would have thought it? Got stuck into watching crap on youtube until 3am though. Got new orthotics this morning and ADHD clinic called to make follow-up appointment with new consultant and told me that I can call for a new prescription when my meds run out as the appointment's not until the middle of September. Had a little nap this afternoon and now feel alert and calm.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 24, 2015 23:49:14 GMT
Now, I don't know how to broach this - I'm very english - so, on the concerta, I've been feeling more. . . sensual?
In a kind of tingly sensitivity of the lips and skin. And a much greater sexual desire. . . and I'm single, so it's a bit of a bugger! - I have to make an effort!
I do have a high sex drive, but this is more so. . .
Well this is what this diary is for - observation, not answers, or explanation - I know that it is a *thing* with the meds, but with my complete failure to maintain human relations, it makes me feel more unfulfilled and disconnected than usual.
And the day started off so well - and it's fine now - I'm not going to expand.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2015 1:48:38 GMT
Higher skin sensitivity is common...but usually it manifests itself as sensitivity to clothing labels and hives.
Mentioning it seems to have increased my own sensitivity, dammit!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 25, 2015 10:19:12 GMT
Ooh, I've suddenly been promoted to 'posts quite a bit'
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2015 8:07:52 GMT
Ooh, I've suddenly been promoted to 'posts quite a bit' I bet it was hard work, but the achievement makes it all worth it!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 27, 2015 0:16:21 GMT
Much the same this weekend.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 13:43:00 GMT
I only just realised you had updated. Glad to see you are keeping up with the diary! I might struggle with mine!
Was concerta the first and only drug you were offered? I wonder how they decide what to prescribe to each person. I am on a stimulant and you are on a non-stimulant but I guess you have a more combined type than my Attention Deficit.
It seems like you've had some cracking side effects though! I hope it levels out for you soon. xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 28, 2015 18:53:47 GMT
Hi thehedgehog I just read your update. Concerta is also a stimulant - it's the same as Ritalin but it lasts longer. I was told about all of the drugs, but the consultant said that he liked to start with methylphenidate (short or long release) as it's been used the longest and has quite a good success rate. He mentioned Elvanse as an alternative, if I didn't get on with Concerta. I'd be really interested to see how it works for you.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 28, 2015 19:10:17 GMT
The last few days I've been aimless, unmotivated, unfocussed and spending too much time stuck inside my head.
I've been to the gym, but I find it so boring! and distracting - even with good music on my iPod. I can't even count my reps up to 10, or remember if I've done 2 or 3 sets!
I think it's because I'm off work and have no external structure. I'm still on 36mg and all it seems to do is make me tired and my typing inaccurate.
I need people around me to stimulate and excite me and motivate me and I haven't had a conversation with anyone in nearly a week.
I don't even want to think about the 6 weeks ahead with nothing to do and no money. There'll be some stuff to do with selling my flat at some point (and that scares me).
Still feeling a bit tingly.
Now I've just gone blank.
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Post by contrarymary on Jul 28, 2015 22:02:11 GMT
empathy what works for me is to set some structure for each day, get & keep some sort of routine, and work out goals and actions for each day. i then the latter public by posting it on the "getting stuff done lists & encouragement" thread on here, so that i feel the necessary external accountability. mostly it seems to work pretty well , esp if i keep coming back to tick things off
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 29, 2015 23:07:39 GMT
Thanks contrarymary I do try to book things to do, like gym/swim/pilates and today I went to the cinema. I'd love to do stuff with other people, but have approached and got no response. I have so many lists and am quite good at tackling them. Today I've been worried that I mainly post here when I'm feeling negative, when I'm probably more OK that it looks here.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 31, 2015 23:15:26 GMT
A few things - was very crazy and needy the other night - apologies if I sent you messages then. . . Got another prescription as my next appointment is longer than my current one. It's for 3 x 5mg IR methylphenidate a day, so I'm a bit confused. Will give it a go, but will have to revert to 18 mg Concerta for 3 weeks first. Spent most of today in bed and reading/pissing about on the net/playing games/ dozing. . . felt better after pilates and now have second wind after afternoon crash. . . Bought 'You mean I'm not lazy, stupid or crazy' the other day because it gives advice about how I might be going wrong in social situations and how I might change. Also phone stuff. . also lots of other stuff. . . I didn't want to get it because I hated the title, it's american, and it's a bit too scarily wordy. . . I think it's worth it, if you take a bit at a time. It's not a comfortable read and I'm now determined to make lists for a way forward I hate that I'm so needy and demanding and intense and I want to become better. . . I'm really going to try. I hate myself for being so crap at relating for nearly half a century. I can and will do better.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 7, 2015 15:28:11 GMT
Well, I haven't posted for a while. Nothing new, still no noticable effects from the concerta except tiredness. The thing is now that although I'm very tired, I can't seem to get to sleep.
I've been trying to get a grip of things and try to get at least ONE thing from my list done every day. It's usually the gym, because it's easy and I don't have to make a decision.
I'm just bored and lonely and seem to be just existing. I'm not depressed, just lost.
I'm going to attempt to go out socialising tomorrow night!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 10, 2015 14:59:33 GMT
Had a lovely Saturday night, good music, dancing, chatting, getting home at 5am! Obviously very tired yesterday. Decided to get round to some serious ADHD reading in order to make some connections and coping strategies. My business partner phoned and I answered because I'd just sent him an email link and he often calls my landline after an email (not many other people use the landline and I don't usually answer it). We were chatting and I mentioned the ADHD and meds. I decided to use the moment to apologise/explain certain things that he has been angry with me about in the past. 1. Repeating verbal instructions given over the phone: he'd accused me of treating him like an imbecile for doing it, so I explained that I wanted to clarify what he wanted me to do, to ensure that I had understood correctly, because I can get confused and distracted on the phone and that it's for my benefit, not that he was being unclear. 2. Blurting out things that he thinks are 'unprofessional' which I do quite often and he gets very angry with me about. I explained that sometimes I'm just being impulsive and truthful and don't actually have much of a concept of what is and isn't appropriate and other times it just comes out and I know that I shouldn't while I'm still speaking and I'm mortified, but I can't seem to stop myself. He was really interested - he knows that I really don't like the phone and he makes all of the important business phonecalls (I do other stuff that he doesn't like to do) - I tried to explain from an ADHD perspective why I think that I find it difficult (lack of visual clues, lack of focus, atmospheric distractions) and all kinds of other things that I've been finding out about, which I thought were normal, or just personal quirks. This is the first time since diagnosis that I've spoken to anyone at length, who has actually been interested and has been supportive and asked sensible questions. He said that he'd noticed me 'drifting off' and being distracted and thought that he was being boring. We talked about my meds and I said that I hadn't really noticed any effect - he said that he'd noticed that I was easier to talk to on the phone! I was still rambling and jumping from subject to subject and getting sidetracked, but he said he could notice a difference! WOW!!! maybe the meds ARE working!
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Post by contrarymary on Aug 10, 2015 16:56:35 GMT
i have the same phone issues as you, and am glad to feel solidarity i've recently tried skyping for a professional call and that wasn't brilliant but certainly worked a heck of a lot better than any phone call has done in a gazillion years actually, it was probably as good as i am in person, which is not brilliantly-focused either, surprisingly
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 13, 2015 12:52:14 GMT
contrarymary Until I started reading these boards I had never come across anyone else who had the same problems using the phone as me. It's always been something that I couldn't explain because I'm generally quite good at communicating and I talk A LOT. I've worked in ticketing, directory enquiries and on switchboards and I think that it was ok because all calls were incoming and predictable - you knew the phone would ring (so you're not disturbed from your current task) and that the person would ask a limited amount of predictable things for which there were a a limited and predictable range of answers/responses and once you've learned them you can almost do it without thinking. My immediate reaction when my phone rings is "Fuck off!!" because it's interrupted what I'm doing and if I do answer it's in an angry and irritated way. I don't answer unknown or witheld numbers - which means that I'm going to have to call back if it's important - which makes me feel sick, so I put it off, then have to think of a reason why I didn't call back earlier. which I garble when I finally do call back and I feel stupid. And now we all carry phones with us, so I don't have the excuse that "I was out". I don't like speaking on my mobile when I'm outside because I get flustered and confused and distracted. Text messaging is OK, but I hate text ping-pong because you think you've finished and get back to what you're doing and the phone beeps and the message is 'ok' and now you can't remember what you were supposed to be doing. . . also. . . I notice a text or email and think that I'll deal with it later when I can concentrate. . . then forget.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Aug 13, 2015 13:17:08 GMT
2 posts today, so that 1 isn't too enormous. . . Carrying on. . . I've been thinking about work. clubby had a bit on her diary about work and it got me thinking. My current short contract, zero hours, ridiculous shift job is probably the most perfect job for an ADDer - if only it were permanent and paid OK! I train people to conduct passenger surveys on London buses, so I work out of doors, on buses and in garages, so I can't answer my phone or emails I can spot the small numbers on a moving bus out of the corner of my eye when talking to people - I notice EVERYTHING! I react quickly and can quickly read how to approach new people and situations. I work somewhere different every day and often moving along. I talk to loads of different people every day. I don't have much paperwork to do and don't have to use the phone much. I'm on my feet all day. I'm thinking what sort of job I should be looking for when I move up north in a month or 2. I'll have enough money to take a few months off, so I'm just moving! I'm making a list of things that are essential, important and undesirable - I just want to move NOW!
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Post by contrarymary on Aug 13, 2015 13:28:13 GMT
contrarymary Until I started reading these boards I had never come across anyone else who had the same problems using the phone as me. It's always been something that I couldn't explain because I'm generally quite good at communicating and I talk A LOT. I've worked in ticketing, directory enquiries and on switchboards and I think that it was ok because all calls were incoming and predictable - you knew the phone would ring (so you're not disturbed from your current task) and that the person would ask a limited amount of predictable things for which there were a a limited and predictable range of answers/responses and once you've learned them you can almost do it without thinking. My immediate reaction when my phone rings is "Fuck off!!" because it's interrupted what I'm doing and if I do answer it's in an angry and irritated way. I don't answer unknown or witheld numbers - which means that I'm going to have to call back if it's important - which makes me feel sick, so I put it off, then have to think of a reason why I didn't call back earlier. which I garble when I finally do call back and I feel stupid. And now we all carry phones with us, so I don't have the excuse that "I was out". I don't like speaking on my mobile when I'm outside because I get flustered and confused and distracted. Text messaging is OK, but I hate text ping-pong because you think you've finished and get back to what you're doing and the phone beeps and the message is 'ok' and now you can't remember what you were supposed to be doing. . . also. . . I notice a text or email and think that I'll deal with it later when I can concentrate. . . then forget. ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto ditto (etc)
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