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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 16, 2015 19:49:13 GMT
Oh, it just goes from bad to worse!
The 26th falls on a Thursday (34 years since my dad left)
and my ex, who I consider to be my best friend, who I've known for 30 years, has just put up pictures on FB of his big 50th birthday party.
He said that he wasn't going to have one when I asked a month or so ago. It would have been nice to be invited.
I feel rejected and worthless.
So I'm in floods of tears and in great distress and my mum just pretends that everything's normal.
She doesn't ask me what's the matter, or am I OK.
How can a mother do that to her child?
and now I am a child.
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Post by contrarymary on Nov 16, 2015 21:40:45 GMT
(((((((( vagueandrandom)))))))) bums they say that tears water the garden of the soul. better out than in we cry in order to let go and let ourselves grow it's all bloody hard. the 26th was (is?) my wedding anniversary. i'm very happily divorced, tho it ws a long & difficult journey to get here. and my father left home a few days before my 12th birthday; all these years later i know i am still shaped by that longing and that loss. Stuff, huh? in our weakness is our strength, in our strength our weakness. xx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 16, 2015 23:49:57 GMT
I'm so sorry to have you here in my diary of . . . . swearwords . . .miserableness..
I'm really scared that tonight I've burned my bridges with my only friend
He deserves it
I deserve better.
It doesn't mean that I feel any better. .
Shit!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 17, 2015 17:48:53 GMT
vagueandrandom, I'm so sorry for your pain. It is normal to feel childlike and in need of comfort during rotten times, even if those around you can't see it or help. You are in my thoughts. xxx
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 18, 2015 0:19:43 GMT
Thank you @pelargonium and contrarymarySometimes I think that this forum is the only thing that's keeping me sane. I feel understood when I say things here that I couldn't say to my friends without them thinking that I'd lost the plot, or was being over-dramatic or unreasonable. I think I've made it up with my friend, but he still thinks that I over-reacted and am too focussed on myself. I forwarded him this quote that I got from the ADHD Foundation: Not enough people realise that ADHD is not a disorder about loss of focus. It is a disorder of loss of emotional control, which is triggered by outside influences, self-esteem and our interpretation of events. Whether this is positive or negative it triggers us to hyper focus on what consumes our thoughts. Staying positive is critical and distancing oneself from hurtful people is essential, in order to live a life with purpose. One of the things he's always loved about me is my ability to feel everything so deeply. He still doesn't realise that the smallest thing can break my heart. Anyway, I'm just here now to let you know that I'm feeling a lot better now and I haven't cried since lunchtime - yay! Maybe my eyes will look normal tomorrow
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Post by chillisauce on Nov 18, 2015 0:23:43 GMT
and my ex, who I consider to be my best friend, who I've known for 30 years, has just put up pictures on FB of his big 50th birthday party. He said that he wasn't going to have one when I asked a month or so ago. It would have been nice to be invited. Oh vagueandrandom, that does sound like a rough time you're going through I know you said elsewhere that you probably haven't lost your best friend, but I hope that he had a good reason for why you weren't invited? It seems a little crappy to not have invited you and then put the pictures up on FB when you'd asked about his party. Something I've realised - just because we're 'difficult' or hard to get close doesn't mean we should settle for less than adequate treatment, or feel grateful to friends who stick around. If you wouldn't do that to your friend, then you have a right to know why he did that to you...
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 18, 2015 0:48:44 GMT
chillisauce Hi! His excuse was that he thought I'd already moved up north (he didn't ask) and that it was 'just the lads and their partners' - so being a woman and single disqualifies me, does it? Well, he got a right old mouthful from me last night and I said that I hated him and didn't want to be his friend any more. But he knows me too well. . he refused to stop being my friend and he gave me a sob story about how hard it is to be a single dad and his girlfriend's depressed, he's drinking too much and he's lonely too. . . and he was upset when I didn't express concern for his woes in my reply. He told me not to be so self-absorbed. My profile pic is one that he painted and said 'that's you, that is' and it's title is nemesis. So I don't let him get away with treating me badly. We split up because he can't be faithful (he's had treatment for sex-addiction) and I've been pretty much single ever since. I've never cohabited again.
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Post by chillisauce on Nov 18, 2015 1:09:41 GMT
vagueandrandom Playing devil's advocate here, I wonder if there's something in him that craves having a push-pull relationship with you, that likes creating a position where he then gets to 'refuse' to stop being your friend... And FYI, not being invited to your best friend's party and not being told about it is NOT a small thing. You have a right to feel upset, I'm pretty sure most people would feel like that, ADHD or not.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 18, 2015 2:27:34 GMT
You're probably right chillisauceAlthough he's *my* best friend - I don't really have many friends and he knows it - I'm not his. He's got loads of friends. So he knows he's got a certain amount of power over me because I have so few. It's a difficult friendship to describe. It's a shared experience thing. We're like squabbling siblings. We don't even meet up very often. He knows full well that he should have invited me to his party. He's a terrible liar. He didn't want me there and got found out. I'm hoping that once I've moved I can make some new friends. Now I know that I have ADHD I'm going to get some suitable therapy and try to learn how to make and maintain friendships. And maybe they'll be healthier than the ones I currently have. Goodness! look at the time 2.30 again! Must try to sleep.
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Post by tessaract on Nov 18, 2015 3:36:57 GMT
I was a member of a forum for about 5 years and couldnt make virtual friends either. I was always upset and surprised when I discovered there was loads of people having skype meet-ups and google hang-outs!
In work I slowly realise everyone is friends on facebook and some going for pints after work and becoming friends. I try to brush it off. I know its because I dont know how to grease that social wheel and move aquaintances into friendships.
At the moment I have a friend who conveniently doesnt see facebook messages and doesnt reply. I already told her to put me out of my misery and say she didnt want to be friends anymore and she got really upset.
I'm always ready to be rejected. I get the feeling you are too. I often think its because I, (we) grow up not understanding social rules and cant become adept at them as adults.
I hope a new home will fill you with optimism of new friends and a fresh start. (sounds like a housewarming card, hallmark here I come!)
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 18, 2015 11:36:11 GMT
Hi tessaract You're right - I am always expecting rejection and see it in tiny things which are probably not even there. I often invite rejection (but not on the recent scale) by saying things like 'you don't need to reply if you're too busy' then feeling rejected when they don't. I have no problem in shedding friends. I can't understand why people would want to keep in touch with schoolfriends, for example. I deliberately stopped seeing my school best friend about 15 years ago because we have nothing in common. We're FB friends. She lives a 5 minute walk from where I'm sitting now. I only have FB friends that I know and I rarely post. Until this year I've never had an online friend. I'm still trying to get my head round it. Before I knew about the ADHD I didn't know why I couldn't keep friends. I don't like using the phone, which doesn't help. I stay friends with people who I don't see often, but we sporadically keep in touch. I have about 5 of those, but no-one who I could ask for coffee at short notice. I casually know loads of people who think I'm fun and are always happy to see me, but would never think about contacting me directly to meet for a chat. I always wondered why my friends drift in and out and change so much. It's about the new, the excitement, the novelty. I love meeting new people and it's like falling in love (and some people think that it is) and I want to know everything about them and spend all my time with them. . . until. . . I get a bit bored and someone more interesting and new and shiny comes along.. . and I don't forget about the first one, but can't be so intense with more than one person at a time. . . I'm the same with music and art and books and. . . everything.
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Post by clubby on Nov 18, 2015 17:15:58 GMT
vagueandrandom Part of a poem by Russel Moffat 2008 Born outside the Universal, it's a lonely place to be On a road going somewhere, just where you cannot see And you meet no fellow travellers on the path that calls your name But when you leave the campfire, life can never be the same You're thankful you can see it, but they don't want to know They'll never leave the camp fire with its light and heat and glow But you were called to wander, to question, doubt and test To leave behind illusion and find no place to rest
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 20, 2015 15:26:19 GMT
Thanks for that clubby It looks like my move is delayed again! and I thought we were exchanging contracts yesterday. I just want to hide in a hole in the ground until everything's sorted.
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Post by clubby on Nov 21, 2015 12:00:43 GMT
Isn't the property market torture vagueandrandom? We got a moving date yesterday -10th Dec. Tentative yippee. Been waiting since 30th July when offer was made. Almost 5 months! So many set backs due to lawyers, planners and banks. Hope you get some good news soon. Thinking about you.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 22, 2015 23:08:57 GMT
Just a quick one. Today I visited my sister and her child with my parents. We haven't spoken to or seen each other for over a year. Luckily they'd both got colds so I only had to endure being ignored and laughed at for about 4 hours. I made an effort at the beginning, but then decided it was better just to zone out and retreat inside my head while pointing my face in the right direction. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but my mum saved the day by asking if they were really well enough to go out. . . the conversation had dried up a while earlier and the house was really cold. I'd spent some time earlier locked in the bathroom and sending emails. The child (who's 12) didn't speak to anyone but their mother for the whole visit and spent most of the time looking at the ipad and giggling. At least the cat was friendly and they didn't make me cry. Tomorrow I have to go to the GP here where I'm not registered and try to persuade them to prescribe me a controlled drug
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Post by vagueandrandom on Nov 23, 2015 14:27:57 GMT
clubby waiting on the phone for tentative yipee!! for possibly next Monday. Went to my mum's GP armed with the letter from my ADHD consultant and my NHS number to try to get more concerta. Was a lot easier than I expected. The Dr had to check a few things and take a copy of the letter. They took the prescription to the practice pharmacy and I had to show ID and sign all kinds of forms and books, but got a month's supply and I only asked for 2 weeks. My mum, who hasn't mentioned ADHD since I told her about my dx, asked how I got on, then asked if I read the article in the Observer Magazine yesterday about children in USA 'on drugs' for ADHD and MH because: 'it seems like most of them sell tablets to their friends'. . . I hadn't even told her what the 'difficult' prescription was for, just that it was from the hospital and not my GP and is a 'shared care' med. Oh well. . .
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Post by clubby on Nov 23, 2015 17:05:34 GMT
The proof of the pudding is in the eating.
Young man with adhd crazymaking in class, friends disperse and nothing productive is achieved.
Young man with medicated adhd, friends crowd around, he is running an enterprise.
Duh! Why don't they get it.
Your mum sounds just like mine.
Hope you get good news soon. My sale has died another death -lawyers have all gone on holiday again! AGHHHHHHHHH
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 2, 2015 13:18:56 GMT
I've not written here for a while. I don't like to when all I do is moan. I was hoping to have good news.
More delays with the move - waiting for a signature from my freeholder.
I'm crying a lot. . .or holding it in. . .and my mum's sick of me being here. . . and everyone keeps asking when I'm moving. . . and my stuff's still in the van
which I've had to hire for another week because I'm not taking it all out again!
and my mum's worried that her cancer might be back because they've sent her for another scan - so she's snappy.
I'm sick of her and my stepdad telling me to shut up all the time. She did it loudly over the weekend when we had 6 guests here.
I'm checking my phone and email every couple of minutes. I'm posting here and browsing the web to try to distract myself.
I can't sleep. I wish I had friends that weren't hundreds of miles away.
Something has to happen soon. I feel so powerless.
I know that it'll all be fine in the end. That thought doesn't help me now.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 13:20:46 GMT
I'm sorry for your struggles.
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 2, 2015 19:59:05 GMT
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Post by manson88 on Dec 3, 2015 7:35:47 GMT
vagueandrandom I feel your pain at mum's house.. Forged relationships it's difficult... X manson88
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 3, 2015 12:13:58 GMT
Thanks for your support @pelargonium contrarymary manson88 and anyone else who read my post and empathised without commenting. Still no news. I'm trying not to think about it.
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Post by clubby on Dec 8, 2015 21:35:17 GMT
Hang on in there vagueandrandom. You will get there I am sharing your pain. We are 24hrs from our move and we still have not concluded. The legal system is utterly inhumane.
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 8, 2015 21:45:43 GMT
good luck with the move clubby
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 13, 2015 0:24:04 GMT
You're right clubby it is inhumane. . . .I hope you finally made it! So. . .I'm totally not excited or thrilled to have exchanged contracts and will complete on Tues. The problem is that because I don't need a mortgage to buy my new house, it doesn't all have to happen on the same day. . . I still don't have a date to move. I need 3 days to get my stuff out of storage. No-one is answering emails (I don't do phonecalls unless I absolutely have to). . Happy birthday to me! (not) I just want somewhere to live and a new life and I have family stuff and xmas and holidays booked so won't really live in my new place until the new year. I haven't posted much recently because I'm just too stressed and I'm having meltdowns and tantrums and all kinds of personal drama. I also think that I've f*****d up some online friendships. And none of my RL 'friends' have even asked how I am even though I left home 2 months ago. I'm either trying to keep all of the ADHD in, which is hard; or letting it out, which hurts me and the people around me. I can't see an end to any of this. It was supposed to be a good thing. I'll shut up now because I'm getting maudlin. Did I mention that I've not been sleeping? Hope to post more positively soon.
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Post by contrarymary on Dec 13, 2015 0:54:02 GMT
Happy Birthday to you vagueandrandomi hope that things move forwards without any more major issues, you have space and time to plan this last bit - and all of this will soon be but a memory. the best is yet to come
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 13, 2015 1:01:55 GMT
Thanks contrarymary my birthday's tues, so's completion. It will all be fine, I know. . . I'm just not feeling it right now. . I'll be fine. ?
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Post by smogz101 on Dec 13, 2015 11:13:10 GMT
Happy Birthday vagueandrandom! I really hope things get better for you soon! It looks such a stress moving house, its a lot to co-ordinate for anyone never mind when theres additional problems with contracts and stuff! We've moved around quite a lot when I was a kid and remember my mam being so stressed with it and in tears a lot, and she doesnt have adhd and is the most organised person i know! You're almost there with it though now, so just try and keep going!
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Post by vagueandrandom on Dec 18, 2015 12:45:34 GMT
OMG! I think I might actually have some good news! Looks Like I'm moving on Tuesday! Well, dumping my belongings into the house - I'll be coming back to my parents on Thursday. Other good things that happened this week: I can still drive! - haven't driven since 2003 and went out with an instructor and was fine! Had my hair cut (a bit). Managed to get another emergency prescription for concerta, so enough until I get a new GP. What am I doing now? Faffing about on the laptop avoiding forwarding my mail, or seeing if I can get the phone/internet on in the new house. . . I've got so much to do that I'm not doing anything. Big family 'do' tomorrow which I'm not looking forward to. Suppose I should get off here and do some important stuff.
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Post by manson88 on Dec 18, 2015 16:57:13 GMT
Everything has a time and it's place. Relax..
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