shamindo
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Posts: 5
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Post by shamindo on Mar 20, 2016 23:19:09 GMT
Ugh, god help me. I've somehow summoned up my courage to try dating again. It usually doesn't last long. I find it very difficult to do, to organize one more person into my life. Things either get completely ignored for the new person or I just end up dumping the person out of pure over whelmingness. I am meds this time so hoping it will make a difference. Is this a normal thing for ADHDers?
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 21, 2016 0:15:13 GMT
Ach! . . . I haven't tried dating since diagnosis and meds. . didn't try much before tbh. .
I do it periodically, then run away and hide. . .
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Post by mypineappledream on Mar 21, 2016 3:53:52 GMT
I've never got to the point of being organised enough to even try, turning 26 next week. It's kinda forever alone in my world
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Post by Babble on Mar 21, 2016 11:33:35 GMT
Am already 26, and definitely have that 'forever alone' thing going. Same - can barely organize myself, no idea how you're supposed to add someone else into the equation without your brain exploding. Also the fact that I'm missing the 'handbook' that NT's seem to have for social interaction. Previous relationships haven't taught me anything useful, so I'm still left thinking 'what the hell are the rules in this situation?' pretty often which ain't good for my fear of screwing up. This inevitably leads to me doing as you say - quitting while I'm ahead (aka, ignoring until they go away or running away out of overwhelmedness, which, yes is a shitty thing to do and I'm very aware of it). But I think you're brave for trying, and I do think it's possible to succeed. So best of luck to you Let us know how it goes?
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Post by tessaract on Mar 21, 2016 17:19:13 GMT
Theres a book aimed at women called 'Catch Him and Keep Him'
Trust me it is not full of crap. Its written by a guy and it is extremely straight up, honest, clear and blunt - exactly what us ADDers need. It explains how women make particualr mistakes with guys and what guys really mean when they have certain behaviour.
It was a real eye-opener for me and I realised I had probably done every single one of those things he says are a no go. But apparently most women do it.
Seriously check it out.
Now if only there was a book for dealing with/keeping/making friends.
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shamindo
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 5
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Post by shamindo on Mar 21, 2016 20:12:13 GMT
Wow Thanks so much for the tip on the book. Am absolutely going to check it out! Like impulsively right now! Hahaha...well I feel relieved others have the same problem...though I'm sad for you all as I am for myself! And yes, I have been nicknamed "the bolter" too as I often will leave right before things start to get serious. The good thing is, this drug stops me from ahead of myself. I start over analyzing and now I know I am doing it and force myself to do something else and it actually works! I stop over analyzing! third date with the same bloke this friday....wish me luck.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Mar 22, 2016 0:14:14 GMT
Luck! I've just (today in the post, not read yet) got a book about Social skills for adults with ADHD called "What does everybody else know that I don't " . . I'm so desperate to learn (at 49) how to make and keep friendships and relationships. . it looks quite accessible from an initial flick through. . . Will let you all know if it's any good when I've read it
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Post by anopheles on Mar 22, 2016 22:05:12 GMT
I'm now in a relation coming up to it's 7th year, which is my longest relationship by about... 7 years. Ha, more like five, but I went through a lot of three monthers. I got lucky, but here's what I learnt,and suffered through, so hopefully you won't.
1: Watch out for hyperfocus. Forewarned and all that. It can be mistaken for obsession, especially if the other wants to see how it goes. Intensity is great, though, if you both have it. (you probably aren't actually obsessive as every time you leave the stimulant, you may lose the interest).
2: Communication is the key: Try not to over share right off the bat. First few dates, limit yourself to around yourself and generalities. A bit of mystery is better than a lot of history. Imagine ever decreasing circles. Try not to mention your diagnosis til the third date, if it's not already known. Any slip up you may make sill be put down to charming nerves.
When you mention it, mention whatever facets affect relationships worst (emotionality, distractibility, what have you), and let reassure them a lot. I used to have short relationships because after the initial intensity, I'd revert to daydreaming and, I think, they saw this as diminished interest. I was always surprised, as I was generally still quite keen.
3: Excitement and nervousness make us jittery and talkative, mostly. Be prepared! Luckily, this affects both of you, so don't panic. There's a lot of space between Suave Steve and Trainwreck Terry. Make a list of topics if you need to be sure of being interesting. The good news is you are likely fascinating.
If you are listening, you aren't talking, so ask them about themselves a lot.
4: One leak does not sink the boat. If it doesn't work out, it's not you, it's not them, it's just practice for that right person.
5: Don't drink too much. It's not a good look.
That'll do.
Oh I forgot. Space is your God. Give you and the other space. The candle that burns twice as bright, etc. You'll either burn out the relationship or the other person. make every other/third day for yourself no matter how long it lasts.
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