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Post by spacemummy on Apr 28, 2016 19:57:41 GMT
Does anyone else feel like they have lived their life being 'not quite there'? Like in a half dream, not able to fully keep up with all sensory input around them at the same time? I pretty much feel like this all the time. I notice it least when I am sitting quietly watching TV. I'm guessing being on citalopram won't be helping this but I have always felt it to some degree.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 29, 2016 11:47:02 GMT
I'm not completely sure what you mean spacemummy . . Is it like clubby 's La La Land ? . . Getting lost inside your head. . Or a dissociative state? . . which is when you feel disconnected from the world. . as if you don't really exist . . I experience both. . Article about depersonalisation Link
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 12:19:09 GMT
Hi spacemummy100% yes. I feel as if I have to wake myself up every 5 minutes. It is not that I go to sleep, I just go into my own thoughts and forget to come out. In there I have no sense of time so can be lost for hours. I have been practicing coming in and out of what i call "LalaLand" at will, which means not going too deep or else I become totally unaware of anything such as duties, time, cold, hunger, sleep people etc vagueandrandom What is dissociative state? Not sure if I feel that or not. I do feel disconnected from the world but I always know I exist.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 29, 2016 17:10:29 GMT
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 18:11:32 GMT
Just seen the link vagueandrandom thanks to contrarymary. I definitely don't suffer from depersonalisation . In some ways though i experience a bit of the opposite, a terrible feeling of being assimilated.
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 18:34:07 GMT
I once had an experience when I was learning the violin.
I looked down at my hands and they just kept going as if they weren't my hands
I watched them playing music for about 30 seconds and I felt as if I could go and make a cup of tea and the'd still be playing when I returned.
I was wondering if this is disassociative or a normal experience for musicians.
Only happened to me once and it was really fascinating because I can't normally maintain any sort of auto routine - for example - data entry is exhausting
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 29, 2016 21:17:30 GMT
i get that with playing music sometimes clubbyws relearning recorder last year and kept mentally stopping to think "ooo look at my hands, aren't they clever! how do they do that?" and then my conscious brain would get in the way & i'd make a mistake
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 21:37:05 GMT
Isn't it fascinating contrarymary. Just like you say, the conscious mind messes it up. I really struggle with automatic processes. If I'm not conscious the milk ends up in the cupboard. If I am conscious I stand bewildered for a few seconds not knowing where to put it Either way I feel a complete plonker.
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 22:02:02 GMT
I have found this LINK which describes automatic and controlled processing. I think my automatic processing ability is flawed. I cannot trust it at all I think my controlled processing is good as long as I am not bored. When you read what is written about the two types of processing and relate it to adhd you would conclude that we should all be great automatic processors because we don't need to pay attention to do that. In fact I am beginning to think that we are in fact super conscious and attentive. We see, hear and feel too much and we attend to it. What the experts fail to grasp is that, in a teaching context, it takes two to be equally attentive. There are so many teachers who teach in auto-mode. If a pupil can absorb in auto mode then they do not need to think as they learn. When I am being taught I fully engage as long as the teacher engages with me. I am attentive as long as the teacher is attentive.
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 29, 2016 22:02:41 GMT
but isn't that so constant with addhers that it's almost diagnostic?
as you said earlier ^^^, we have to pay conscious attention to things NTs would regard as automatic. we seem to have something missing, because as soon as we go into auto mode:
a) we make mistakes b) we're not consciously aware, even when we can see what we're doing and will often repeat it or stare without processing what we're seeing c) we don't make memories - physical, visual, linear d) what we do has no logic, and may well be another *automatic* process carried out without thought e) thus I throw away veg and keep the peelings, have only one knife in the six-knife-block, once put my tv remote in the freezer realised i'd done something wrong, took it out and threw it in the bin..
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Post by contrarymary on Apr 29, 2016 22:04:33 GMT
clarification - clubby , you sneaked in an extra post while i ws typing a reply to t'other and we STILL managed to talk about the same thing - shazam!
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Post by clubby on Apr 29, 2016 22:29:10 GMT
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Post by vagueandrandom on Apr 29, 2016 23:29:06 GMT
It's a thing with me to hide. . .
to block out difficult emotions. .
Must learn how to cope better. . .
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Post by Mouse on Apr 30, 2016 8:08:41 GMT
On good days I feel like I'm half a step / half a moment behind behind everyone else. Not quite in sync in conversations or interactions. On bad days... well, I don't feel I'm on the same planet.
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Post by Mouse on Apr 30, 2016 8:49:18 GMT
Autopilot mode can be a wonderful thing or a total bl**dy liability.
And the point at which you transition from autopilot to 'back on line' can be awkward, difficult, or dangerous.
For example, walking down sets of stairs doesn't cause issues for me unless autopilot switches off and then mind and body stumble together! It is like my mind realises 'oh hello, you're walking downstairs (what are you doing here?) - better take care' and then I'm in a state of wrongfooted-ness physically and mentally!
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Post by spacemummy on May 3, 2016 23:48:45 GMT
Thank you all these responses help me at least feel I'm not the only one with a squiffy brain. Progress made on referral front today. Had to do gps secretary's job for her but hopefully ccg will release funding for me to see local-ish specialist for assessment once GP is made aware she needs to write to them :/
Have told very close family about this seeking diagnosis/ruling out and so far have: Mum: you must have salycilate allergy like me. You are stressed due to being working mum of 2 small kids.
Husband: ummm err ur doesn't everyone feel like that sometimes? What is brain fog? Oh that sounds crap. You just need to try and ignore stuff that's distracting you.
Sister: I am a teaching assistant and trust me you don't have ADHD I've seen it.
I don't even care what the outcome of any assessment is in diagnostic terms so long as they can help me be like all the normal people I'm surrounded by who just 'get on' like I so desperately want to!
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Post by spacemummy on May 3, 2016 23:50:15 GMT
Haha I've totally had this happen to me when walking down stairs!! Autopilot mode can be a wonderful thing or a total bl**dy liability. And the point at which you transition from autopilot to 'back on line' can be awkward, difficult, or dangerous. For example, walking down sets of stairs doesn't cause issues for me unless autopilot switches off and then mind and body stumble together! It is like my mind realises 'oh hello, you're walking downstairs (what are you doing here?) - better take care' and then I'm in a state of wrongfooted-ness physically and mentally!
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Post by spacemummy on May 3, 2016 23:56:26 GMT
P. S Do any of you think 'I'm not seeming to suffer with this as badly as all these other people' Then 'well wtf is actually wrong with me?' 'I'm just really lazy and a bit crap' 'All these other people have an actual thing wrong with them and here I am trying to identify with them to excuse my crapness' 'I guess over 34 years I could have come up with plenty of coping strategies which mask my true struggles/self' 'Nah that's just me making excuses for myself again'
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Post by spacemummy on May 4, 2016 0:25:29 GMT
Both, I guess, though until you put it like that, I didn't really see the distinction! I spend most days feeling like I haven't properly woken up. I'm not completely sure what you mean spacemummy . . Is it like clubby 's La La Land ? . . Getting lost inside your head. . Or a dissociative state? . . which is when you feel disconnected from the world. . as if you don't really exist . . I experience both. . Article about depersonalisation Link
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Post by Mouse on May 4, 2016 4:55:24 GMT
Haha I've totally had this happen to me when walking down stairs!! Autopilot mode can be a wonderful thing or a total bl**dy liability. And the point at which you transition from autopilot to 'back on line' can be awkward, difficult, or dangerous. For example, walking down sets of stairs doesn't cause issues for me unless autopilot switches off and then mind and body stumble together! It is like my mind realises 'oh hello, you're walking downstairs (what are you doing here?) - better take care' and then I'm in a state of wrongfooted-ness physically and mentally! I meant to add when I posted this that I don't think this is specific to ADHD but just something that happens when you think about taking care 'not' to do something. The brain doesn't hear the word 'not'. So, 'I mustn't fall over that log' results in a fall over the log LOL. But it just happens a lot. Maybe it just happens more frequently. I an a cautious walker and explorer. On rough ground and away from paths the person I walk with is brave (adhd hyper). They rarely stumble - stride on ahead with the mentality of a gazelle, whilst I, adhd-slow with poor balance, lag behind planning nearly every step, hesitant and all over the place! Like a three-legged hippo.
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Post by Mouse on May 4, 2016 5:23:19 GMT
Spacemummy - it can be disheartening (understatement) when others attribute adhd to other things or deny it but just carry on doing what you're doing getting your dx or what I call 'my Adult Statement'. I know it runs in my family but I'm the worst and always been source of much loving teasing, and, at times, frustration on their part at my annoying 'failures'. You have to do your thing and let them get on with theirs.
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Post by Happyhippy on May 5, 2016 20:08:13 GMT
I get ya, i used to feel full of life when i was younger im only 26 but i know what you mean the older i get and the more aware i am of how horrifically effected my life is from adhd,i dont feel all here and looking back was i ever really fully on point because of my shotty attentio. ive been depressed so long ive lost touch with some of my senses like im not all hear anymore i was on citalopram also i believe it had a part to play
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Post by Babble on May 6, 2016 8:47:51 GMT
Totally get this. I feel like I'm constantly having to 'catch up' with reality, and I get so lost in my own head that I never really feel fully present in my own body (if that makes any sense). It's why I love hugs - it sort of brings me back to myself with a 'bump', reminds me that I'm not alone. I'm not a big fan of being touched or touching people I don't know, yet I'm a cuddlebug, so I feel like I'm in a sensory void sometimes, and anything I do feel (arms resting on table, keys against my fingertips etc) sort of gets drowned out by the overwhelmingness of smell/taste/sound/sight anyway.
Thinking can be dangerous. I can think for hours. Just sat there like a moron, staring into nothing, and I swear I'm only 'away' for a couple of minutes, but 3 hours later...
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Post by easilydistracted on May 6, 2016 12:29:22 GMT
Babble, perfect description, fits to a tee. the awkwardsness of being physically close people you are not emotionally close to, to the hug addict with those you trust implicitly. I don't know where i go, 3 hours have passed and there's barely a few minutes of work done in front of me, cant have been sleeping as ive not been disciplined for it, nor have i been walking about the work naked as the police havent been sent for, yet! where then?
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Post by vagueandrandom on May 6, 2016 12:59:55 GMT
Babble me too! the not liking to be touched or to touch other people who you're not comfortable with, but wanting to have physical contact. . . That's why I like physical activity, walking, swimming, gym, Pilates, dancing. . it reminds me that I'm in the physical world
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