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Post by spacemummy on May 10, 2016 23:39:36 GMT
I am having a bit of a hard time coming to terms with the fact my lifelong impediment may be ADHD. I'm not worried about having it, more terrified I don't.
Everything I read seems to point towards me having the inattentive type. See my introduction post for more info on that.
If I do get diagnosed, I feel it will be a huge relief and I will finally be able to feel proud of the fact I have 'made it' despite a significant impediment.
I am scared that I will see the psychiatrist and they will tell me no I don't have it. Then what will I do? I'm a f@"k up who somehow slipped through into a good job that my family relies on for support.
I don't WANT to be lazy. I have the brains and drive to do way better than some of the specimens I have to tolerate each day. I just CAN'T for reasons which befuddle and upset me.
I feel that if I don't get a diagnosis I won't be able to carry on in my job. I am an engineer for a large company and have many responsibilities at work and at home. My family rely on me for almost all financial support.
Don't know what I'm looking for here, I guess just a venting moment as nothing I can really do until I see the psych.
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Post by clubby on May 11, 2016 6:25:44 GMT
Hi spacemummy. Don't be worried. If the inattentive adhd symptoms make you that certain, then you have it, no matter what one doctor may say. They go on evidence and when we have spent a lifetime coping sometimes that evidence is masked. Well done for achieving so much and for coping so well.
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Post by easilydistracted on May 11, 2016 6:48:02 GMT
*nods* Very much in the same place as you at the moment, worrying that I'm turning into a jellybrain as I chase my head down the rabbit hole of doubt and insecurity. Trying to make sure that every base is covered at work and instead making more mistakes, taking longer to achieve tasks with poorer results as I try to work in a methodical, precise manner instead of providing the instinctive answer. Being aware that I am under scrutiny, knowing every action or decision will need to be defended, knowing nothing I do will be viewed as good-enough, that everything has to be perfect with every i dotted and every t crossed leading to more mistakes and more missed deadlines as every task is checked and rechecked. Knowing everyone in the office must be aware that something is wrong with me, even if only a few know the details, every one can see that I'm regularly being corrected or taken aside for chats. Tasks that are well within my abilities taken off me, the things that engage me, given to others to "help" me focus on my core duties. Being stripped of resposibilities left right and centre because if I can't complete the simple jobs well then, I can't be given anything interesting to do Knowing that because I can't dot the i's and cross the t's I've over reached my position and the best I can expect now is to watch everyone else over take me but more likely to be demoted, transferred, sacked and plunge me right back into that mess of a few years ago that I'm slowly clawing my way back out of. Not knowing if it's ADHD or ASD or neither or both, not knowing what it is, how much of me is it, how much of it is me. Dreading a diagnoses that says I'm not, that basically I'm thick and lazy and should accept that I've been promoted beyond my abilities and that all that that entails, dreading a diagnoses that says I need a jail for my brain in order to be productive. Dreading, doubting and worrying and getting worse as I go round and round in circles
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Post by marionk on May 11, 2016 7:06:35 GMT
Well, I think you'll agree you definitely have something wrong with you, and the key difference between ADHD and anything else it might be, is if you had it in childhood (before 12) or not.
Reading through your previous posts, it seems that you have always had it, so it is ADHD not any of the other possibles.
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Post by clubby on May 11, 2016 8:50:09 GMT
easilydistracted. Wow You have put into words exactly how I feel about the workplace and everything that is wrong with our modern world. As you say, we work from intuition and usually it is correct, but if we make a mistake then we learn to notice and adjust. But that is not the modern way, where intuition is suppressed. They want us to plan everything down to the last dot before we act so that there are no errors ever. That is not life, that is a machine. I know it is hard but take heart that you are actually ahead of the others. The modern world are able to plan machines and buildings but they have just discovered that they cannot plan the environment. In the future man will need to rediscover his intuition in the workplace, a state of mind which you know intuitively you possess, and which I can see in your writing.
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alien
Member's posted somewhat
Posts: 76
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Post by alien on May 11, 2016 9:34:26 GMT
Hi spacemummy. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. I completely sympathise and empathise with your situation. If it helps at all, I can let you know that I've gone through the assessment process, and I did expect a diagnosis. I didn't get one. I know from talking to plenty of others in similar situations (and dyslexic and autistic people too) and thinking about my skills and abilities, my own family and reflecting on my school life and work history, it doesn't matter. I still have – for want of a better term – an ADHD brain. I did okay at school. I've done well professionally (maybe not counting the last six months or so : ) ) – You and I haven't slipped through the net. We've succeeded because we've compensated or worked round some of the things that are harder for us than for others, and also perhaps in some respects due to the idiosyncratic ways our brains work. Supporting a family, especially if it is a complicated one, puts a lot of pressure on people. I spent the three months leading up to my assessment obsessing about it. The day itself was incredibly difficult. I don't feel I was myself at all. I was super anxious. I don't think the psychiatrists really listened to the fact that I was in there with them not because my mode of thinking had changed due to my circumstances changing, but because the circumstances I was having to deal with meant my mode of thinking was becoming more and more overwhelmed. If you are assessed and you don't get a diagnosis, it doesn't mean you're stupid or lazy or wrong about this. You're not. You've obviously given it loads of thought. Not getting a diagnosis does mean you won't get any medication, or have a formal medical label to take to work. I hope that helps a little. Hang in there. I know it's hard.
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Post by spacemummy on May 11, 2016 10:25:37 GMT
Thank you, I feel a bit less worried reading all of your responses and yeah wow easilydistracted you hit the nail on the head for me too!
Back to work now....
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