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Post by stone25 on May 21, 2016 16:46:32 GMT
Hello and sorry if I'm is anyway irksome in my post.
I am wondering if a person is suspected of having had adhd most of their life, but has coping habits in place then she uses effectively. Can she carry on being undiagnosed and just let matters rest? Is there really any benefit when she would refuse medication anyway? She manages most things daily anyway, Not greatly but nothing that does can do to fix her poor housework skills, so long as she doesn't overload herself. So can she carry Iin the way she is and not be labeled in anyway. To use her words-she'd rather be thought of as lazy and stupid then labeled as having an 'issue' (sorry - not wanting to be offensive. She knows rationally that adhd isn't a shameful situation but has spent her life surrounded by people judging and putting limitations on her relatives simply because they had some labels and doesn't want that to play out in her life).
Many thanks for any advice shared and many apologies if I have been at all rude or insensitive.
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Post by clubby on May 21, 2016 20:23:09 GMT
Yes, of course she can carry on undiagnosed. If the coping mechanisms are in place then that is all that matters.
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Post by Mouse on May 21, 2016 23:53:43 GMT
I'm not sure what answers you are expecting, tbh.
Of course she can carry on life undiagnosed, that is, if she has adhd or maybe another condition. Her choice entirely - and, as she is aware of others having limitations imposed on them, hopefully that will never happen to her, or rather, she wouldn't allow that to happen.
Although it seems possible that is already happening and the point is being missed if she would prefer to be 'labelled' as 'lazy and stupid' as opposed to being labelled anything else.
Personally, I think labelling is 'lazy and stupid' - whether that is done by others or used by a person as an excuse or 'get out clause'. 'Naming and explaining' a condition is quite different.
I haven't found your post rude or insensitive.
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Post by stone25 on May 22, 2016 13:34:00 GMT
Many thanks for replies. I'm glad I've not offended :-) maybe I'll give a little background about the lady.
She was raised (oh rather she did the raising) by a single mother who was deeply depressive and neglectful. She has a younger brother with server dyslexia and epilepsy. She herself was diagnosed for dyslexia but opted to hack it without support as she had to think about her family. As it was her brother only got support in schools because she had told the staff that she can't do her work while always supporting his (the only way they were willing to help him) and she also had to face social services in her youth over her mum's depression and brothers illnesses. The way people treated her brother and mother has made the lady very careful to avoid labels that she herself can't control- being called lazy and stupid is something she's used too. Having a 'disorder' label, with her background, would make her feel weak and broken (thought I keep telling her she is not). She has a very low sense of self and has difficulty expressing herself. She says it's like trying to drive down the road in a fog when you can't reach the steering wheel and the gareshift has a mind of its own. She feels trapped, She can't focus on things for long period of time and she knows what she's meant todo but just doesnt do it. She is a happyperson, she loves her life and her husband and her children. But she feels trapped inside her own head. She was coping great until her husband had to switch to a lower paid job and she needed to help out with earning, She just can't juggle too much. She puts alarms in her phone, to do lists everywhere, but still never seems to get anything done cos she can't focus. It's starting to upset her cos she has a female friend who says she's a bad wife which hurt her a lot cos all she does everyday is try and try and try to care for her family. Her husband never complains but he thinks she needs to learn how to manage her time better and helps her to do to do lists and such. He relys on her a lot more lately then he used too and she doesn't want to betray that trust. She spoke to me a while back, I used to work with children on the autistic spectrum as a nanny, and I suggested she speak to a specialist. They suggested that she get tested for adhd or add. She said no cos she doesn't want to be labeled as such and even if she did she wouldn't take drugs anyway. But it's been playing in her mind as she knows in her head that she can be a better mother and wife but can't seem to make that a reality.
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Post by Mouse on May 23, 2016 5:34:26 GMT
Do you know, it sounds like she is a great wife and mother. And that she is way to hard on herself. She sounds resiliant too. A diagnosis is a private matter - she doesn't have to tell the world - or anyone. And there's other support, not just meds. Help with self esteem issues and cbt for example. And she has you support too. She might want to avoid the toxic 'friend' tho.
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Post by stone25 on May 23, 2016 13:14:03 GMT
Would she have to be diagoinsed as adhd or add to join this site? It m ight be helpful for her to talk to people who can relate.
Thank you everyone for you comments and advice- I've relayed everything on to the lady.
One last question, if that's okay; what happens during and after a diagnosis? As in the process and such (can easily Google common treatments) but also how it effects daily life- does anyone get treated differently by employers or teachers at school cos of having adhd or add?
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Post by marionk on May 23, 2016 13:59:46 GMT
No need for dx at all, in fact lots of people here joined before dx and some were, or go on to get, dx as something else. I started a reply shortly after you first posted, but then lost it. I was going to say that although she's coping at the moment, would she be able to cope if/when something nasty happens? Then I saw that actually something nasty has happened. I think, perhaps she should get a diagnosis now, quietly, before e.g. she gets so anxious or depressed that diagnosis is obscured. Many of us have had difficult journeys to diagnosis and been messed about with a load of medication that had very little* potential for help. I would also encourage her to try medication, once properly diagnosed, it could actually help. *that's being very polite
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Post by stone25 on May 23, 2016 15:33:40 GMT
When she was younger she went to the Dr for help as she was under a lot of pressure at work and was struggling to cope with everything. She was stressed but no unhappy, mostly just frustrated with herself. The Dr asked her lots of questions and she tried explaining as best she could but told them she wasn't depressed. But they looked at her family history (her mum's depression mostly) and her mental health issues from her childhood (she went through a bout of self harm after being abused in her preteens). The Dr just told her she was depressed, insulted her when she said she wasn't, gave her meds that made her fuzzy and made everything harder and she ended up loosing her job anyway. She stopped taking the meds, took time out to focus on some hobbies and went to college again (mostly for something to do), she was very upfront with the staff when she started saying that she didn't want them to think she's not paying attention or being rude in class if she doesn't join in stuff but that's how she is some times and she gets worse if pressured (basically she asked that if she goes all 'zoned out' in class to be left alone so she can 'come back' by herself and- for the first time ever for her they said okay. They even gave her copies of class notes to help her out. And she had a great experience and got distinctions in essays. She knows her strengths and weaknesses and she knows her limits. But she struggles some times with how lonely she feels but loves her life.
She's got a hide of steel and finds happiness in the darkest of days- she's the happiest person I know (which is part of why she gets called lazy and stupid cos she makes mistakes but just keeps trying even if she makes more mistakes- so she's not got many friends). Sf es given me great advice on how to ingage some of my autistic clients as she has a different way of looking at things.
I too think that diagnosis might help, if just to let her know she's not lazy or broken but just like the millions of othersout there who ststruggle like she does. I'll try and get her to join here. I've had a read around and it all looks great and supportive.
We did some online tests last night (which I know aren't proof but I hoped it'd encourage her to be tested) and everyone said she had a high change of having 'add' weigh possible 'adhd' trates.
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