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Post by shiningbright on May 24, 2016 7:42:28 GMT
When asked why I get stressed out I'll say it's cos I've got too many plates I'm trying to juggle and I need to either be left to manage the ones I've got or have some taken away from me. But does anyone listen, no, every day there is more and more to do. So much that I can't even remember half of it. And I've not finished the stuff I was doing before having more added. I'm overwhelmed and pressured and trying to do everything I need too. It's like trying to build a car with one hand and no tools. I need space to do my work in my own pace and for people to understand that I can't work AND do housework, its one or the other if either job is to be done. But people just look at me and say stuff like 'you've just got to learn to manage your time better' or 'your a woman, youre good at multitasking.' (Which yes I am but I'm already multitasking so much inside my head just to focus on this conversation that anything else is a burden on my already tired psychi) or, 'just do what you can and prioritise this or that or this and don't forget that' ? yeah, super helpful thanks. People seem to get confussed- they talk to me and think I'm super clever and brainy and capable cos I have loads of knowledge and a unique set of skills. Then when I don't match up to those expectations in practical applications then I'm deemed lazy or stupid or crazy. I have a brilliant mind. I'm not stupid, I am clever. But no one seems to understand how tirying it is being me and trying to focus on one thing let alone the dozens of things I'm faced with daily. I try not to let it get me down but sometimes I just feel so trapped and lonely. Like a prisoner inside my own head. All I want is to be the kind of wife and mother that my family deserve- why do I have to be more then that? Why can't that be enough? And the next time someone tells me I need to 'organise my time better' I'll throw a clock at them!
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Post by bluedrifter on May 27, 2016 7:00:22 GMT
Hi shiningbright, the mind inner and outer is bit like driving a car, when one is thinking about the car controls they are in the inner, when they're thinking about the road ahead and the traffic they're in the outer. There is a saying from a well known monk, Thích Nhất Hạnh, he says that ''I am home'' an example of this is when someone is busy thinking about stuff in their mind and the telephone rings, one should pause before they answer the telephone and take a moment to think about their breathing and concentrate back on the controls, then when they answer the telephone they will be able to listen properly and give the caller the respect that they deserve. What this really means is that with the stuff you're good at you can just do without too much problem, the other stuff you need to think about your breathing, think of it as parking a car to check the map, you have to pause everything, take time out, regain your composure, then you are empowered to continue, frantically trying to cram information into an already busy multitasking mind won't work. You'll just end up over worked and stressed, you need to come ''back home'' as Thích Nhất Hạnh says, think about your breathing and sort of disengage with the outside world for a few moments from time to time, seems to me from reading your post that you just need to manage your functioning rather than adding to or taking away from it.
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Post by marionk on May 27, 2016 8:54:12 GMT
Thankfully, I've never been in that situation, but I have at times had to explain my problems to people. My closest friends do get it, but then I wouldn't call them friends if they weren't sympathetic people in the first place! Basically, most nt's (neurotypicals) just don't get it. They see that you are clever, and that you interact (mostly) normally, so they think you are just like them or maybe a bit cleverer. They just don't understand that you can't cope with so many things on the go. They think it's just a matter of organisation, they don't understand the whirling, and swirling that goes on in our heads, when we have more than a very few things to get done. I don't think they understand at all that lists and alarms don't really help. Heck, until I recently made a truly determined effort to get a ton of stuff done with the aid of lists and alarms, I didn't realise!! Sure you get a bit more done, and you are less likely to miss things, but OMG was my head spinning!! It wasn't so much a case of needing to slow down, as not being able to keep it up any more.
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Post by shiningbright on May 28, 2016 17:38:19 GMT
Bluedrifter: "What this really means is that with the stuff you're good at you can just do without too much problem," I'll say - I often joke with my oh that the things I want to do I'm not good at (cooking and housework- they take alot of pause and thought and I can get really confused for rw as on I still can't explain cos I both know what to do but don't know what to do- if that makes sense) and the things I don't want to do I'm really good at (namely paperwork - once sufficiently focused I can do in 2 hours what would take an nt 2 days lol. But it doesn't make me happy. It bores me, I've done it so much and for so long I need new stuff to keep me going. And never ask me to edit my own creations, I'm hopeless at that lol- once it's done I won't revisit it. Can't tell you why cos I don't know myself :-) ) Basically, most nt's (neurotypicals) just don't get it. They see that you are clever, and that you interact (mostly) normally, so they think you are just like them or maybe a bit cleverer. They just don't understand that you can't cope with so many things on the go. They think it's just a matter of organisation, they don't understand the whirling, and swirling that goes on in our heads, when we have more than a very few things to get done. I don't think they understand at all that lists and alarms don't really help. Even if I set my alarm clock i f often gets forgotten as it goes off when I'm mid task and I'm not good at doing more then one task at a time. So I tell myself, I'll finish this first and then it's forgotten about lol. I tried setting a timer on my phone sk that every 30 minutes I'd stop the activity I was doing and move on to something else. I read somewhere it'd make me more productive as I'd get more done in my time frame. All it did was give me a mirgrain as I panicked trying to fit everything into a 30 mins slot lol My oh says that without me he'd be lost cos I have the skills that he lacks for his work so we do make an amazing team. He doesn't get the adhd stuff- he simply can't quantify it and I'll not force him. He accepts me for who I am and though he thinks I can do better with my time and though I'm terrified that one day he'll give up and get sick of me and leave me (even though that's not his nature), for the time being he accepts me and he loves me and he helps me to prioritise things inside my head. If I'm emotional or confused about something I can ask him and he'll make the choice for me. Sometimes he forgets, especailly lately, and things I don't need much guidance but othertimes he is amazing. I'd be lost without him not the other way around. He can help me to put aside alot of my internal distraction s just by being there, My desire to please him can help motivate me but he's away so often lately that I'm starting to loose alot of my habits. My 3 yr old is starting to fill some of those gaps that my oh is not helping with (roll the guilt! ) - he'll remind me to eat and cook and clean and will help me with tasks and it turns them into a game. Cleaning the bathroom is so much easier for me when my lad is there washing the sink while i do the dangerous stuff like toilet and shower. Cleaning tht kitchen takes no time when he's there putting things away and finding things I've lost - he knows he's way around better then I do and I organised it all lol. He's my most amazing little helper and I'm so grateful to have him in my life. Best part is that he has fun too, he loves playing and helping out and it's good bonding time for us. Even my 1 yr old is learning good habits and helps with laundry, sweeping and hoovering (with supervision obviously lol) I just wish I knew how to tell my oh what I've just said here though lol. I think I must at least try and tell him my fears of loosing him but every time I try to explain it kinda goes like this Me 'what if I never get better then I currently am?' Him 'you will. You just need to do xyz and you'll be fine' Me 'bug what if I can't do xyz or what if it doesn't work for me?' Him 'course it will. You do something for long enough anyone can do it- you're a supermum, clever and creative, you just need to learn to organise your time better.' Me ' I'm 27 and my organisation skills are still impulsive at best' Him 'you'll get there, just focus more.' I normally give up my this point lol. He just can't understand. He does try but he just doesnt get it. I tried telling him then when I was a girl some teachers suggested that I should be tested for autism but the school could only sort one of us out and as I was well behaved my brother was the one seen too. Course rhat was before the days of adhd. If i saw a dr today, i told him, id be quickly labeled as adhd. At first I didn't think he understood but writing this now and I'm thinking maybe he did. He asks me daily now if I need anything from him, if I'm okay and when I had the paperwork drama of the other day he was very sorry. He also knows the right way to compliment me. Very Important task lol :-) He and I have a kinda of code. I told him once that my mind is like a bee hive and that when every bee is working nicely then we get sweet honey (meaning I'm not an angry emotional wreck lol) and that if the bees start playing up (killer bee style lol) and stinging (what we call bad thoughts that cause me some form or emotional or physical pain or discomft) then the honey goes bad (and I become a crazy emotional wreck lol). To prevent the latter I tell him my bees (thoughts that may prove to get the hive buzzing unhoney like) and he helps me by either suggesting something I can do to fix it or by overwriting it - often with prayers or reminders of love etc. And I can feel better and focus more. Also if I need his help then I can just text or call him. Even when he's at cw i can text him and say I need to talk about a bee and he'll make or find time for me. Huh I've just realised that writing this post has helped me to come full circle from feeling ignored and isolated from my oh to feeling loved and respected by him. I will make a point of tell in b him about my fears but I k ow he'll say he loves me and I don't have to worry. What will be will be :-)
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Post by clubby on May 28, 2016 19:26:36 GMT
Hi shiningbright. I do love your energy. I have given up following "expert advice" on how to cope. None of it works for me and in some cases it makes things worse. I have spent a lifetime listening to others telling me what I ought to be doing, and it simply disabled me more.
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Post by shiningbright on May 28, 2016 22:20:39 GMT
Hi shiningbright . I do love your energy. I have given up following "expert advice" on how to cope. None of it works for me and in some cases it makes things worse. I have spent a lifetime listening to others telling me what I ought to be doing, and it simply disabled me more. In all honestly my faith is what keeps me going, my creators words are the olny 'expert advice' i need, as humans are a prone to mistakes as anyone else, no matter their 'mental state of being'. And truely, to me, ADHD is a gift more then a burden, it's tricky yes and some days things can feel so hard that I want to hide under my quilt for an undefined length of time (with chocolate and my loved ones). But in all honestly I think it makes me a better mum on a emotional and psychological basis as I can emphasis so much more with my kids. I am more fun and more creative and I have a confidence, in the home, that is suited to our lifestyle and progressive thinking. WE home ed so that gives me plenty to enjoy also. My faith makes things in life much easier as they 'rules' are much simpler - i don't have to worry about being different when I trust that my crazy brain is part of my purpose in life, that it's and I am part of a grander design. And in my relgion it's not all about success in an action but also about intent, so long as i keep trying then I'm on the right path. So maybe today I forget to put the bin out or I get emotional cos I put the milk in the oven instead of the fridge (yes - I've done that before lol, and cried about it too lol) but all I do every day, whether i succeed at it or not, is all part of worshipping my creator and that's the most important thing in life to me. I know not everyone is religious, but it's important to me and my family :-) Anyway, I posted that I'd talk to my oh about my 'bee' and fears and such, poor chap was so tired (he'd traveled 4 hours by train with painful arm and wanted to rest and sleep but he took the time to ring me and listen to me - I'm so blessed) - I told him that one of my inner fears is that one day he'll quit on me like everyone else in my life has, that one day my poor house keeping skills and more inattentive crazy hyperactivity would prove too much for him to bare and he'd walk away from me with a 'sorry'. He listened, reassured me and told me that in fact my house keeping skills aren't bad, he told me I am actually good at house keeping - when I remember to do it lol. He has so much confidence in me, he has allowed me to buy some boxes and such for the living room (I'm an impusive spender so I asked him to manage my spending for me, he didn't request this task lol - basically we just talk about it and if I can rational why I need it then he'll tell me to get it lol - for example I didn't want to waste money on a new frying pan but he and my cowife explained why we need a new one so the choice was made to get a cheap one so everyone was happy lol - I'm very fugul and I ahet shopping)... sorry I digress. I bought some paper trays and have recyled some old boxes so that I can organise all the shelves in the livingroom. I've already reoganised my kitchen and things are easier to manage in there now - less piles built up and such. I've reorganised the bathroom also but I think when oh hand is fixed I'll ask him to put some storage in there - I'm worried about my eldest getting access to the bleach, it's currently on the hardest to get to part of the house with a freezing cold water pipe between it and any climbing children but my lad has resently found that no where is out of reach with some creative climbing (spider monkey that lad is). Then I need to organise the main bedroom and get rid of some of my old clothes, see which ones I can salvage (nearly all of my clothes have holes in them lol - did I mention that I hate shopping? lol) - and see what I might be able to make using old fabrics like sheets and such. We've got an old shirt of ohs that he used for work but ink got spilled on it, so I reclaimed it and am going to cut and sew to suit my lads usages - an ink stain doesn't stop it from being a good play shirt for messy kids lol. The 2nd bedroom is going to be the biggest hurdle but oh has agreed that I don't have to worry to much about that until all the stuff we're storing in there is gone (from when cowife moved to a smaller house, alot of her stuff in here for the time being) and even then he'll help me go through it all. I want to get some of those vacuum storage bags to store quilts and such in the bed - keep forgetting to ask oh about that - currently they get piled on top of the guest bed until used lol. We also have a small store space that holds the boiler that has become a untold mess, it's mostly oh stuff but I can't find simple things like hammers in it so I'll reoganise that also. So my tasks for this week, while oh is away (he comes back on Tuesday) is: - booklets for oh work: sessions 6 and 7 (8 if I can also). - at least two more subject breakdowns for our curriculum - at least 3 more learning resources for our curriculum - organise the living room - clean the oven inside (never done that before, not sure where to start, I might have to youtube it like I did for cleaning a toilet) - go through the freezer and see what needs using up - shopping on Monday - catch up on sleep before Tuesday as Wednesday will be at the hospital with boys all day (might be a good idea to make something i can take for the boys like a cold soup or similar) - my eldest also wants to go for a walk tomorrow which will be fun :-) I'm feeling optimistic and I have my handly to do list on the wall in the kitchen, bedroom and living room with pretty picture to catch my eye (hopefully - I can get desensitise very quickly). I also want to find the time to write a small group of sublists to support my main to do list, as it is a little general: I sometimes forget what cleaning I'm meant to do each day when my head is full of cooking and paperwork. Here's hoping that one day it will become muscle memory! :-)
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Post by marionk on May 29, 2016 7:17:49 GMT
Hi shiningbright . I do love your energy. I have given up following "expert advice" on how to cope. None of it works for me and in some cases it makes things worse. I have spent a lifetime listening to others telling me what I ought to be doing, and it simply disabled me more. Oh yeah! For me I think the worst advice has been 'keep busy'. I have a very strong natural drive to be active (internal motor? ) but had a pretty strong feeling that I was overdoing things, especially as I was always tired and easily exhausted. I asked my psychiatrist if I should cut down on my 'going out', but she said no, doing stuff I enjoy was good for me. With hindsight, I don't think she realised just how tired I was, (despite my telling her I was fighting off sleep almost all day). In one of her reports she wrote ". . . feels tired . . ." and still every time I remember that, I go into a rant about 'feels', just feels ?! . . .
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Post by shiningbright on May 29, 2016 9:20:32 GMT
Oh bless you clubby. Yeah, I agreed fully that so called expects often have no clue what they're talking about, it's just guess work for them as they can't directly relate.
I always say we should listen to oiiur body's, if we need to rest then we should rest and if we need to be active then be active.
I hate sitting still for too long but often have to sit to work on laptop and paper work. The a couple weeks ago my oh got a new lawn shredder and I just went bonkers and needed to walk but I had to do my work. So I put the box in the treadmill arms and poof I could walk andwork. Can t do anything in depth but it is helpful for when I'm struggling to focus.
I find that if I don't listen to my body (not something I'm great at in truth lol) then it makes everything much harder. But ibhate leaving a job half done (ironically and m ist of my jobs are never finished lol!)
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Post by shiningbright on May 29, 2016 9:23:37 GMT
In psycho babble 'feels time's doesn't mean that you need to rest but that your starting to feel depressed. It's totally cr*p.
I had one counsoller in my early twentieswho was great, hHe never asked me how I felt. She just asked me to talk about whatever I wanted too, some weeks that was my childhood and other times it was the weather lol.
Helps to be able to express oneself without feeling that you have to check that what you say matches what they hear >_<
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Post by adhdude on May 31, 2016 13:34:08 GMT
And the next time someone tells me I need to 'organise my time better' I'll throw a clock at them! EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
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Post by marionk on May 31, 2016 13:50:34 GMT
Just re-read a bit about alarm clocks.
I can't make anything fit a 30 min slot either, but I do find AlarmClock+ very useful, for reminding me how much time is passing, especially with the flexible snooze times.
(It's an android phone app)
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Post by shiningbright on May 31, 2016 14:25:38 GMT
I'm terrible with apps. I hate my phone, I only use it really to communicate with my OH and sometimes with friends and family but it gives me headaches and distracts me from more important things.
Maybe I should get an egg tier with an hour setting or something, I don't know, but I need something to remind me of the passing of time otherwise hours pass without my realising.
Time holds no weight with me, it's all so subjective, but the basis of organsation, management and functionality in our world is based on a mutual concept of time and space. That seems to be what is missing in my head. Time, space, they mean so very little to me, so abstract.
My priorities aren't based on long term necessities but on personal perspectives and desires and beliefs and values. SO when my OH says I'm wasting time cuddling him when I could be doing dishes, in my head that's not a waste of time because I do dishes everyday. I don't cuddle him every day. That's one small example amongst many but you get my meaning.
I'll try setting 1 hour slots to my alarm and maybe using a sound that will register more with me, more distracting to take me out of myself and my activity in the moment. I'd probably have to change it regularly though lol.
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Post by vagueandrandom on May 31, 2016 14:40:42 GMT
Welcome to the phone hater's club! shiningbrightWe all have our own ways of keeping track of time. I have Radio 4 on in the background when I'm at home, in every room. . .I don't really listen to it, but find that I can zone out speech and it masks intrusive/distracting noises. . it keeps me moving. . There's news on the hour, but I've been doing it so long that I know what time it is, by which programme is on. . .so, I'll think. . I'll try to get this finished before the end of Woman's Hour. . (11am) Or. . where did the time go? it's already You and Yours! (12 noon) Find your own way
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Post by shiningbright on May 31, 2016 14:54:56 GMT
Thanks. I'll have to keep trying thinks til I get the right rhythm :-)
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Post by marionk on May 31, 2016 18:14:24 GMT
I got my phone a year after my old one was stolen, as I was going on a trip abroad and Mum insisted I had one in case of emergency. That was about three months ago. I think I made a call with it once, when I first put a sim in it. While I was away I used it loads for Kindle, pdf viewing, and a few downloaded videos, mainly because I got sick in the middle of nowhere, and that was my only source of entertainment! Since getting back it has been my shopping list, alarm clock/reminder system, list and to-do organiser. The fact I could also make phone calls with it is somewhat unnecessary. My oh was the opposite, always telling me to leave the dishes, and come sit with him.
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Post by shiningbright on May 31, 2016 18:46:38 GMT
Lucky You lol.
Most of the time, in the evening, I'm told to go to bed. But in fairness to him I'm up loads during the night as 1 yr old still feeds at night and they tend to play up in the wee hours. He knows I'd stay up all night with him (he's a night owl) and be shattered next day.
I think hes a better use of my time then he things he is lol
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Post by bluedrifter on Jun 1, 2016 13:47:29 GMT
I get about three or four hours sleep per night. Besides that I had been diagnosed by a clinical psychologist that I had ADD but later I was diagnosed again by a consultant psychiatrist that I had Asperger's syndrome with the addition of some ADD like symptoms.
I don't get any medication so I generally drink beer or something like that as a sort of self medication.
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