lux00
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Posts: 5
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Post by lux00 on Jun 9, 2016 1:07:35 GMT
I always felt so disconnected and alone. For as long as I can remember I have felt bored and under stimulated. I’ve vanished in to daydreaming in quests of finding something more exciting.
People told me I was smart and I did my best to live up to their expectations of being an intelligent high achiever.
It was all “ok” until 7th grade. Then everything failed. To this day (I’m 34 today) I can’t explain what went wrong when I was 13. I wasn’t dumb. But for some reason I could not complete anything. Today I simply think I was insanely bored.
Bored of life. Bored of everything.
Today, and for the past 10 years I have suffered from anxiety, and extreme perfectionism. I am so driven and I have so many ideas, dreams and desires but nothing gets done. I’m just stuck in nothing unable to get to the next step.
I get obsessed with things. I spend hours, days, and weeks on a topic just to all of a sudden, with no explanation grow bored and leave it.
I meet people, make friends and then soon enough I grow so bored of them and I get angry of myself for not being able to meet and connect with people that stimulates me.
Don’t know what I am trying to say. But I’ve recently been told I might have inattentive ADHD. And for my entire life I have felt that something is wrong. I’ve suffered from depression, social anxiety, anxiety and severe performance anxiety. But my restlessness and tendency to move from place to place has stopped me from being properly diagnosed by anyone.
Sometimes when I am bored and frustrated I cut myself with a knife. These days, only in my feet because I know it heels better and even if it scars people don’t see it as much as on the arms. I have big scars on my arms from childhood. It was never for attention. Just boredom and frustration.
I just want to find someone that is like me. Someone that can give me an answer of what it is I am fighting. And when I heard of inattentive ADHD it felt so write. Especially since I have been an excessive daydreamer since I was a child. I’m talking about days spent in bed, staring out the window daydreaming.
I can barely walk 5 min to the store without feeling terrified of being so bored I will collapse in to hours of daydreams.
Is anyone in this place recognizing any of this?
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Post by marionk on Jun 9, 2016 4:32:07 GMT
Hi there! Welcome to the forums, and many happy returns of the day! Your post is only visible on mobile devices at the moment and most people on these forums are in the UK and fast asleep right now. I am having my worst insomniac night in quite a while and was about to m eta Oops! That's what happens when I try and make a post using my phone! I was about to make a post about it and chocolate when I got distracted by your post. I identify very strongly with your post, except for the cutting. I think I grew out of involuntarily going to lala land as a teenager. Certainly I became aware of 'disappearing' into daydreams more as I got older. I'm over 50 now, and it was only due to a chance conversation (around 15 years ago) with my first headmaster that I had any idea that it had happened more than the handful of times that I remember 'coming to'. Neither he, nor any of the teachers said anything about it at the time, either to me or my parents, but they dealt with me very cleverly, and I did exceptionally well until I started secondary school (age 11). At secondary school I got seriously depressed, due to problems with bullies and homework, and that's when I learned how to 'daydream' voluntarily. But that's enough about me for the while! It's more than likely that you have ADHD(PI) or whatever letters it's assigned these days! I can't help much with your ADHD, except to say "You're not alone!" I'll post more in a bit , but I figure you're probably about to go to bed so will post as far as I've got now.
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Post by marionk on Jun 9, 2016 5:16:41 GMT
just bumping so you will get notified and see my edited post
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jun 9, 2016 10:20:54 GMT
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lux00
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 5
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Post by lux00 on Jun 9, 2016 14:06:35 GMT
Thanks for the replies.. I'm glad I found this site. I think it can be very helpful.
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Post by thinkaholic on Jun 9, 2016 15:54:17 GMT
No, I can''t hear you. Although I have 2 functioning ears. But I understand that you're screaming and you want somebody to listen. Really listen. Inattentive ADHD is the same as A DD, I gather. Have you studied lots of info yet on the many websites about it? It's not impossible that we have lots of traits in common, except the cutting. May I ask what gender you are? Because I don't know. Have you attended university? Jobs? Relationships? Family?
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Post by Olrick on Jun 10, 2016 4:38:51 GMT
i hear ya loud and clear, you should check out russel barkley on you tube he is the leading expert on adhd,(now retired)
his research describes adhd very accuratley, i found his videos when i was looking for answers too, it was shocking, it explained everything that i couldnt.
coming to terms is a personal process from understanding and self awareness, that will develop overtime, finding as much information about adhd helps
at the end of the day you know yourself better than anyone, but having an understanding of adhd will help you to organise the chaos about whats going on and how to deal with it, theres people on the forum that can relate and help
everyone deals with it in there own way of course. there is medication (which has mixed reviews), cbt(therapy) ,excersise, diet, knowledge about adhd,an understanding family and having the heart of a lion, lol
i eventually understood how adhd strongly controls my life and why i act in ways i dont like,why i could never control my behavior to achieve my goals,and why i felt in constant turmoil.
im more and more aware of my behavior nowadays and try not to beat myself up when i have lost focus, it is a disablement, that ive learnt to accept,
it has opened a new way of thinking , i believe there is more to this world than we know,everyone has there challenges, disabilities but we learn from them, about ourselves and about others,and that there is defnitley a bigger picture.
and know that adhd has nothing to do with inteligence ,even though the symptoms will make you feel like a dumbass,its only natural ,that you would feel this way.you could have an elite iq but youd still have these disabling symptoms that made you feel a dumbass.
with time youl understand its how the symptoms show themselves but your not stupid, its one of the most difficult things with adhd because you feel like a failure. be humble, some over compensate with arrogance and its not attractive.
adhd is a disorder of self control or self regulation, thats not just behaviour but how the brain regulates itself.
when i mean not.just behavior i also mean attention regulation,not being able to control what you focus on without reacting to every distration or going off and doing something else the minute it popped into mind.you get nothing done,
they say adhd was poorly named it isnt attention deficit because we actually pay attention to everything around us. but that makes it extremley difficult to focus on one thing fully,so you miss details.not only does this disregulation make you distracted by everything around you, but you find it.difficult to regulate and inhibit thoughts, which can also effect your emotions,
because of the severity of this symptom of distractibility it effects the short term memory, because reacting to distractions instantly ,( you cant help this your mind does it automatically ),how do you retrieve a memory clearly when there was a mass of unrelated distraction, within that memory, your mind doesnt know how to find the memory ,its like a filing cabinet that needs organised.
all these issues combined can leave you feeling somewhat dysfunctional,and it doesnt stop there.
the adhd brain apparently has overdeveloped parts and some that are delayed (catch up in size but not fully in function)there is also the theory of systems deprived of dopamine and altered blood glucose flow,
the over developed part is the part that effects motor skills movement etc it makes you restless and constantly feeling like your being run by a motor ,the delayed part is where you govern and control the rest of the brain , it regulates.
so the combination leaves a hyper restlesd brain without 100% regulation.
having.adhd is very difficult to explain to people because its so complicated .and even then you cant focus to explain, the more you know the easier it is to explain and to deal with
your impulsive to act , you speak before you think and regret it after, more than most , theres a delay because the overdeveloped part is hyper and the delayed part is the brakes, so your vulnerable to not acting inline with your, iq,social skills, morallity, etc until the.delay passes and youve had time to resist all the distractions and focused to think
im not saying youl suddenly.become a child, but you act on pure impulse without calculating the options or consequences.
its quite a complex condition,and is still in its infancy, but once you understand what it is youl learn to treat yourself better,
ive learnt to seperate adhd from myself nd trying to move forward without the relentless self critism, it aint easy and i think it wont ever fully go away,
but i know and accept my own strengths and weaknessess now, and if anyone doesnt like them it honestly doesnt bother me anymore,
thats how much i accept myself, i know my condition and how it effects my life i dont need to proove anything to anyone.
people grow to accept and adapt, it may not be what you wanted from life but it has made me more spiritual, compassionate and focused on things that really matter in life, its all about perspective and perspective always evolves and changes, how you feel today will be different tomorrow.
humans arent a perfect being, there are many profound differences in us all, we all have challenges, physical and mental ,its all over the world, its reality, its the media that pushes.perfection and isolatedd people,
you just need to look outside to see the real world, and everyone is different.
if you have adhd know ur not alone , there are plenty on the forum going through the same thing everyday, u need but ask im sure you can find advice or just chat
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