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Post by shiningbright on Jun 25, 2016 16:31:23 GMT
What to do when one is starting to really hate or resent oneself...
I can tell the difference 'tween my rational self and my emotional self, I just can't shut either side up.
My emotional self is telling me how useless I am, how I'll loose everyone cos I'm so useless and how I'll never be the person I want to be 'cause I'm too damn useless.
My rational self is telling me that I just have to get up and do, yet when I get up I buzz around like a bee yet afterwards everything looks the same as before, nothing has changed. I know rationally that I'm better then I was, that I've come a long way. But I also know that I'm not expecting myself to climb mount Everest or something unattainable - I want a clean, uncluttered and relaxing home.
I want to live in a clean, uncluttered house. I have the weekend to myself and thought I'd tackle the harder organisation tasks, yet all I've managed to do is sort one and half cupboards out and do some online research for my OH, two sets of laundry and three sets of dishes, whilst juggling the kids and guests who came by ealier. Even allowing for guests I should have got more work done. I so fedup of failing at the tasks I set myself. They're not difficult, a kid can do them, yet here I am feeling the huge useless failure.
Sometimes, when it all makes sense, I'm able to sort the whole house out in less then half a day.
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Post by marionk on Jun 25, 2016 18:13:56 GMT
Hey, you should see my house, then you'd realise how amazing you are!
The odd thing is though, that while it is undeniably depressing (the state of my house), I don't hate myself for it. Sure I wish I was more capable, or I wouldn't be trying out crappy medication, and paying eye-watering sums for the privilege of a diagnosis, and prescriptions (as well as the first lots of medication,) but the world is made up of all sorts of people, some cleverer, some not so, some stronger, some weaker, some more capable, some not so, and so on: I just happen to be one of the cleverer, but less capable ones. I just thank my lucky stars/fate/kismet/God, that I am not totally dependant, and that I can do things that I enjoy fairly frequently, and I hope and pray that I don't lose what I have either through my own failings, or the machinations of others.
Actually, the view from my bedroom window is quite a tonic, the trees are so lovely that even the rain and the grey sky don't matter. We're not far from busy main roads, but the birds are so noisy, you can hardly tell.
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Post by shiningbright on Jun 25, 2016 18:44:06 GMT
Thanks, that has actually made me feel better... I'm so blessed to have the skills that I do have and I've come a long way from the person I once was.
I'm just not the person I want to be.
Is that even attainable? Has anyone successfully become the person they want to be?
When I'm older and my kids grown up and my new mother daughter or son comes to me vexed at themself for their random imagined action, will I be able to tell them it does get better? Can anyone tell me that I can be the person I want to be? Or will I always be stuck as this useless lass who can never quite reach her goals of cleaning one room a day?!?
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Post by easilydistracted on Jun 25, 2016 19:51:07 GMT
Hi!
Reading your posts you are always on the go with the everyday 'musts' of life, working from home, young family etc but...
Do you ever get any 'me' time? Time for a cup of tea or a walk to the further away shop for whatever rather than dash to the closest?
That 10 minutes or half hour to recharge the batteries a little?
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Post by shiningbright on Jun 25, 2016 20:51:09 GMT
Surely I must get too much 'me time' cos little seems to get done around the house... it doesn't make sense to my mind...
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Post by easilydistracted on Jun 26, 2016 7:08:09 GMT
Being very busy while achieving very little is not an uncommon story here.
It's also exhausting and disheartening, so many jobs started, so much effort put into staying focused and on track and so few results produced, that sense of satisfaction rarely comes.
Just as we'd recognise and be positive about the effort a child puts into a task it's important to do the same for ourselves sometimes.
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Post by shiningbright on Jun 26, 2016 11:36:11 GMT
My OH is often asking me why I'm so tired when I've been home all done and nothings been done (he doesn't phase t as harshly as that, he's very diplomatic in his terms and never hurts me deliberatly), he also struggles to understand why I get stressed out when I have stuff to do like booklets.
The other day he sat me down and said 'sorry, i have some bad news' I was all confused, turns out his boss him to go to London for 6 - 12 weeks to work. I thought he was sorry cos i'll hardly see him and he'll be by my cowife more then me as she lives in London, even though he knows that doesn't bother me. Nope, he was sorry because he needs me to sort out teaching materials for the full course before he goes (so 3 weeks to do 12 sessions of materials and lession plans). He tried to break it down for me and said that I should focus on getting the first half done before he goes then do the 2nd half while he is there. He does understand me, or my ways, to an extent but we also work well together. EH also suggested just updating some older materials to match the new learners needs, hoping hat it'd would make things easier on me then ( I actually find making from scratch easier then reusing old but he means well bless him). When I can focus my skills are so fast, I can do a full 12 weeks worth of lessons in two days if I don't have housework or kids, or cooking to worry about and can just zone out and focus. The same works in reverse, I can get more housework done when I can zone out and do. My most productive times are when my children are sleeping, my OH is at my cowife (he's my biggest distraction cos when he's near work is never on my mind) and I'm in a good mood. But I'm so tired from playing catch up with myself that i'm totally useless.
I tried cleaning the kitchen today, and left my boys in the livingroom to play while I worked, I checked on them two minutes later and they literally tipped the toy box over and there are toys everywhere. Which I wouldn't mind on a normal none worn out day, but today it has made me sad because I wanted to see the house get tady not see it get messier. My plan was to organise the livingroom after the kitchen, but I've gotta clear all this up first and then I'll have to refocus and everything and I'#m shattered just thinking about it lol.
Also I don't know what tme my OH will get home today or if/when he'll bring the older kids and I feel like I can't plan my day properly even though I know that he is probably still asleep.... I'm just vexing myself here lol
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Post by shiningbright on Jun 26, 2016 22:30:19 GMT
Wellnim happy with the kitchen today but not happy that I didn't fully sort the living room out. I got some done. I also cooked two meal options for dinner and saw the older kids for a little while which was awesome :-)
Youngest of my oh daughters saw my kitchen and said 'wow you kitchen is so clean' which was bitter sweet as it's nice for someone to say it looks nice but she had such a tone of shock and surprise I was left wondering if it was worse then I thought before lol. Can't win with myself, never good enough...
Most satisfying part of my cleaning work today - doing the dishes a bubble comes off the fairy when I got more for the sponge. The bubble floats about and I move my head just an inch and the bubble pops so softly on my nose :-)
Also my lad watched me clean, the babyIin the door bbouncer and the toddler trying to copy me. After I clean the work surface and started cooking I gave him a sponge and he happily clean what I 'missed' lol. He loves cooking and cleaning and is better then me at 3 yrs lol.
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Post by easilydistracted on Jun 27, 2016 12:12:44 GMT
Sounds like you found a smile :-)
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Post by Mouse on Jul 1, 2016 11:32:13 GMT
Truly, you do so well achieving what you achieve. I can't do that with just one untidy man and a dog! I try not to hate myself but I hate the state of the house quite often. And my work, is away from the house so I can switch off... but when I walk the dog I get away from it all.Tho even I still end up scooping poop!
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 1, 2016 23:12:38 GMT
Thanks for the uplifting comments.
I'm not a perfectionist but sometimes I wish I were. I have some 'baggage' when it comes to dirty homes and I give myself a lot of greif over it. I stress myself out and put added pressures on myself because I wanna be some perfect housekeeper that I simply can't achieve.
When I was growing up my mum was depressive, not the mental health needs love and support kind but the bratty I do by wanna do it you can't make me kind (basically her mum and spoilt her and she couldn't afford her own cleaner), I did what I could but tween feeding my mum, brother and myself and the cats and homework and school there was little time for cleaning and even then all my gran taught me was hoovering, sweeping (I learnt mopping from the school dinner lady lol and dishes from a lady from church). Then my mum also had cats that weren't properly cared for (I still have some scars from the flea bites- they were everywhere, think medieval house level, the only reason the council didn't kick us out was cos they didn't want to clean it up) and the cats used the whole house as their litter tray, nothing was safe. I got I'll a lot and and I was a crazy emotional wreck of a teenager and I never learnt how to do anything myself. In my head I always had the image of my friends house and her mum smiling mop in hand looking like a cleaning superwoman in a sparkling kitchen and I wanted to be that good. Everyone said I'd learn when I had my own place.
Well after a while i lived on the streets and my health improved almost overnight. It was amazing for my mental and emotional development too becauseĀ I got to see a world outside that of my mum's creatings.
Cos I never did drugs, or got drunk or did anything else "dangerous and inappropriate" I got pushed through systems really fast and started lodging at a supportive house for young adults. Kinda like adult fostering. They helped me with educational/work choices, we're there for comfort and support if needed (they got trained for this, they were ace) and taught me some basic cooking and cleaning stuff. But my room was my deal and I still had a mess of a room. I didn't know why.
I then got my own house and I had no idea what to do. I did try but I failed and I gave the house up and went back to shared living which was too expensive so I ended up back at my mum'.
I love my mum, she's a good woman, but she's not a very good mum bless her. She was always more of a daughter who favoured my brother and never wanted a girl. Her loss lol. I was getting I'll again atmy mmum's, even thoi gh I made an effort to clean the fleas where a huge issue.
In the end I opted to go to college for an access course at a residential college. Where I was mostly able to keep a cleanish room but I didn't actually do much cleaning as they had staff cleaners to Hoover and pass oout sheets and such. I didn't even have to cook as meals were included twice a day. While there I was looking for a hubby and hoping I didn't have to go uni.
I found my man shortly before the end ofthe year and it was love and perfection and I'm so blessed. He even understands that I knew nothing about house keeping (he braved my mum's house once and turned green poor guy) but he's also not used to doing things himself (cultural thing) he's used to coming home, putting his coat anywhere and then someone else pits it away lol.
But he has lots of patience with me and never out right complains. If anything he apologies for putting so much on me everyday (paperwork) and if often trying to boost my self confidence and motivation.
I asked him a few weeks ago if he'd be happy chasing me up on tasks, to try and force me to do them so I didn't feel shamed in saying I hadn't done them. Hesaid he ddidn't want to do that because he didn't want to chance damaging our relationship by being naggy. Which meant so much to me- basically he'd rather have me than a clean house which shows how much he loves me in my books lol :-)
I'm okay at the minute. I've got loads on my plate yes but I feel good today. I had a rest day today, caught up on some sleep and took my boy's to the park in the rain. It was fun.
Tomorrow my plan is to mark exams in the morning, and clean in the afternoon.
I really want to get the house organised and cleared up so I can relax a bit (I'll let you know tomorrow night if I succeed or fail again lol).
I home educate our kids and really want to start devoting more time to them. They're 3 and 1 now, so mostly about play, but my lad loves doing things like drawing and writing with me right there with him. He likes showing me what he's doing. Same with reading.
They're my priorities and they need me more and more as they grow.
Tomorrow, if it's not raining and we have time, I'll do a little science experiment with them, They love stuff like that :-) amongst all the mums in our family, I'm the sciency/crafty/crazy/fun one - when it comes to play I have one rule "if you mess it up then you clean it up" which works really well :-)
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