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Post by shiningbright on Jul 16, 2016 10:57:34 GMT
So, last night instead of doing my work I did some cross stitching as a gift for my CW. I also couldn't settle and was super restless, couldn't get comfy on the sofa, wanted to be on the treadmill but was so tied I kept loosing my balance cos I've not had a proper night sleep in about 5 days. Oh well, I'm still happy. Today is all about work (she says while procrastinating on here again). I spent time with my boys this morning, food for tonight is sorted and the baby is in his playpen with toys so I can focus on work without worrying about his safety. Yet my brain is obsessing over different things - like school motos, childhood memories, the philosophical perspective of value, worth and time, and education resources unrelated to the resources I'm actually trying to make. A large part of my brain is actually debating the possibility of me become the person I want to be inside my head weight wise. Going on about if it is actually possible to go from 18 to 12 stone in a year and planning different things i need to do to do this. Another part of my brain is wanting to get up and dance which is making it very hard to focus on working cos my hips are moving and my toes tapping while I'm sat on the sofa trying to focus >_< *face palm* How am I so fat when I love to move so much? Now I'm distracted by watching my toddler problem solving (my OH 'work laptop' is old and doesn't hold itself open anymore, so he's trying different way of propping the screen up lol, using books and toy brinks he put into a tower, etc). And now I'm thinking about the next fun thing I can do with my hair - I want to put it in loads of tiny braids but that'll take forever. So maybe I should practice doing french braids, but that will take me a little while I need to focus on my work. For now it's --- forgot what i was saying... My lad just was naughty and i started shouting at him (I'm not a shouter normally, but when I do it catches everyone by surprise, even me). He's crying and I shout at him 'why'd you do that for?' and he says 'I don't know'. A part of my brain is shouting at me saying I shouldn't be shouting so I say 'do you want mummy to stop shouting? only it comes out as shouting :-( lad goes 'yes' so I take a moment to breath and do a little prayer and then when I talk, I'm talking normally and once I'm calm my lad stops crying and talks calmly too and he says sorry for his naughtiness, I say sorry for my shouting and we talk about what happened and what to do next. He's now cleaned his mess, gone toilet and when he gets back I'll give him some paper I forgot to give him earlier poor lad. Now I feel like an awful mum, but my lad is happy and is giving me hugs and has now returned from the bathroom to sit and do some drawing. And now my brain is back to my pre-tantrum state of obsessing over weight - am I really able to go from fat to thin or is that just a online gimmick? I got down to 14 stone last year and now I'm back at 18 and hating myself for it. I love fruits and veggies but when I'm outta focus I grab the unhealthy stuff first and I need to do better. Maybe if I give myself a meal plan - would I be able to stick to it? I'm terrible to sticking to plans. It is all even worth trying if I'm just gonna get fat again afterwards. But I can't stay this way, it's not good for my kids and my future - I don't want to turn into my mother!!! Oh, I really need to loose weight and build up some stamina again but whenever I try I get so distracted by my workload that I end up comfort eating or bring eating. Am I just making excuses because I don't want to change/ But I do want to change - I want to be better to be healthier. To be better you must first do better. *sigh* I'm such a damn weirdo :-( Why can't I just stick to a plan and stay on it??? My boys are playing so sweetly together, my lad just showed me the 'car' he drew and is now playing cars with the babe. They'll all smiles and laughter - maybe I'm not too terrible a mother after all :-) I really want to do some belly dancing but I think I'll just look like a pick jiggly marshmallow Lunch time and now work done again :-( I hate myself sometimes i really do ... :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 17, 2016 10:58:12 GMT
So, I've not managed to do much work and the resources my OH needs for tomorrow aren't finished yet. However, I'm blessed, as I go another half week time extension before he starts his new project (some issues with dates and rooms at the center). So today I'm gonna clean the kitchen and do what I can.
I've also joined an online weight management support group, got about 12 lades in it and it's a daily comment, discussion thing with other women struggling with their weigth like me. So hopefully that will help to keep me motivated enough to stay on target there.
Today's tasks are:
Clean kitchen cook dinner write food/meal plan for next week clean living room (or atleast tidy it some) do what resources I can for OH (luckily I woke up with a plan for this in my head, yes I dream about work and it's useful if tiring lol, and so I kinda know what I'm doing at least)
Vex of the day: my 3 yr old keeps looking at the window asking for his day, every 3/5 minutes. Which is very cute but he's been doing it since 8am and his dad won't be home til at least 5pm (most likely later then that even). Joy of the day: I just feel happy, i'm in a good mood. My kids are amazing and my OH is coming home today :-) I also did something fun wth my har last night that my lad thinks looks cool - a Y braid! simple but fun :-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 17, 2016 13:58:22 GMT
Done two booklets and one basic game. Most of it is cherry picking from old resources.
I've resently redone all the entry level 1 resources, for for el2 sessions 1-5 it's just a more complicated version of those. So was quick to do session 1 and 2. Session 3, 4&5 will take a little longer. 6 will be easy enough but 7-12 will be trickier.
Still got to make the power points which is a pain cos I don't like making power points (too fiddly).
Oh well, needs must
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 18, 2016 7:40:15 GMT
Slow start to a manic week and I'm dragging my heals.
Yah- my OH is home. Nah- he's got work and is only here til Thursday. Way nah- i have more exams as needs marking before Thursday and I won't receive them until tomorrow.
And it's a pain of an exam, the others were all reading, writing and maths, easy to mark. Now I've got to do the exam on spoken English which is fiddly cos they record it, Then I listen to the recording and rewrite it into the paperwork and mention how to matches marks >_< I hate it and I'm not in a good mood
Today is my only 'free day' until maybe Sunday. And I've got to get baby passport photo taken, get passport form for him, do the weeks worth of shopping at two shops and cook a big enough pot of food to get us through the week as I'll not likely have time to do much cooking in the coming days.
I've also got a tooth infection that's eating my attention span. I'm an emotional wreck cos of things I need to talk to my oh about but won't be able to. We're like ships in a night lately, cos Iif his work hours, he leaves for work at about 3pm, returns around 1/2am, eats and goes to bed at 4/5am which is when baby wants him milk. I'm out of bed around 6/7/8am and he wakes up around 12/1pm for breakfast.
Then after next week he starts a new project based in London when I'll only see him at weekend's.
The way his times been lately is -come to me on Sunday, go to cowfie on Thursday. Pretty fair I guess. But now his planning to take an extra job in London so he can pay off some debts. Meaning he'll come back on a Saturday and go oin a Sunday. Its only for a year but I'm not happy. And I know that if he can't see his kids one weekend (the ones to his ex wife) then he'll be "too tired to come down this weekend sorry".
Now I'm happy for him to take extra time with his other wife. But I need quality time with him and so do my boy's. I told him as much last night when he was saying he hopes to give me some of the money he gets for all the exams I've done. I said I appreciate the offer but I don't care about money. I do that work so he can have more time with his kids and that's what we need. It's all getting to me but I know it's only playing in my mind cos I'm stressing over the workload ahead of me :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 18, 2016 15:35:58 GMT
Now that the shopping is over with for the week I feel a little calmer. More myself almost. Just a tired version as those bags were heavy lol.
Really not looking forward to the week ahead but I'll manage somehow. It'll be a case of paperwork/exams all morning, cooking and cleaning afternoon and sleep evening.
I'm a little vexed at my oh but that'll pass - mostly cos I'll hardly see him and will have to deal with grumpy kids by myself.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 5:42:46 GMT
So my son has decided thag 6 is a perfect wake up time. I'd have preferred 8 but I'm up now. Kinda I'm drifting back to sleep on the loo lol.
Loads of work to do, not keen but gotta be done :-( sometimes the only way out is through lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 9:34:19 GMT
Oh I'm finding it do hard to focus. I want to be up and moving around not sat writing this out. And I don't have a table so I'm sat cross legged on the floor and can't even wiggle my legs. My boy's are distracting me so much, I can't wait til their dad is awake- then he can take them. I'm getting very frustrated and stressed because I want to get these out of the way and over which before my oh goes to work this evening (so he can take them to submit) but I can't focus, the noise of the boy's, the urge to move around and my brain being on so much more interesting things then this. And today is onky a small batch of 19- I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow's batch
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 15:29:04 GMT
Todays exams are finished and marked but i'm all stressed out still 'cause tomorrows exams will be more - only had 18 to do today.
I was up at 6 this morning and i'm so tired and flustered. Got to cook but really don't want too.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 19:05:51 GMT
I fed the boys on left overs and I'm gonna start cooking once I've rested a little, I've just put my boys to bed (I can hear them playing in the bedroom) and my head is killing me lol.
i'm also trying to diet but keep breaking down halfway through the day and quiting my diet :-( Still, tomorrow is a new and more stressful day so i'm sure I'll do better.
I'm only thinking about time with my OH because I'm stressed over these ruddy exams that all sorts of random stuff seem to take up worry space inside my brain to drve me crazy. Which is unhelpful as I'm trying to focus.
My OH saw how stressed I was this morning and how much stuff I missed --- he's at working filling in the bits I missed on his break :-( So he's told me that tomorrow I don't have to rush to get them all ready before 3, just to do what I can.
Tomorrow we have the older kids coming over for a while which is super exciting and I can't wait to see them. Though cooking for them is an extra stress ontop of all these exams. I'm not happy with the situation but I am happy with life.
Roll on next wekk when I'll be back to stressing over resources again :-( I can't wait to go to bed tonight. Once i've cooked I'm off to lalaland lol.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 19, 2016 20:36:22 GMT
Oh my word I made so many mistakes on the paperwork today, I've lost count of the number of text my OH has sent me to check details and ask after things I missed.
fortunately i haven't put the wrong details down, I just missed lots of stuff.
And what does my OH say to me - no worries, thanks for what you could do.
I'm so blessed. Just knowing that my mistake hasn't cost the earth is helping me relax a little.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 7:39:35 GMT
I just want to quit, or throw a paddy or something.
On th eoutsde i look very calm and collected,, my voice even tempered, my feet (for ones) stationary (they're normally tap tap tapping away).
vut insde I'm scream crying. I don't want to do anymore. I'm sick and tired of the stress, I can't cope anymore. Having to pretend like I'm normal, having to think about so much. My brain is physically painful every single bloodly day and more so when under stress or strain as I have been of late. I've got bags under my eyes that make me look like a panda with a broken nose. I've hardly slept in weeks and when I do sleep all I'm dreaming about is bloodly paperwork.
I just want to live simply. I just want to wake up in a morning and having nothing more to worry about then house and herth.
But when my OH asks if I'm okay (only he seems to be able to see the stressed me but I don't think he understands), I say 'yeah, I'm fine' when we both know I'm not. But this is a part of my brain that is so deeply locked away that I can't do anything about it, I can't verbalise this part of me. it's too deeply buried under 'mute and distract - don't let anyone see how broken you are' that I'm drowning in my own poison and I feel completely useless.
I know me. I know that I won't quit, I'll keep going 'til I can't go no more. But I'll get more emotional and stressed the more I do. I don't know any alternative, this is the only way I know to be and I hate myself for being so useless.
Once, ages back, in a moment of stress and frustration on his part, my OH uttered the words "other women can handle housework, children and full time jobs, so can you." he didn't mean it, and has said a great many more positive and supportive things. But that's always played in my mind like an deal I'm meant to achieve. I'll never be that good.
I feel so lost and alone in my wide expanse of brain. And I'm oh so tired. just now my OH came through and asked how i was. I told him that I'm sad because this work stresses me out, he asked why it stresses me out and to not worry and just do what I can. But he's gone back to bed and I'm crying over my laptop (not heavy crying, I don't want to upset my boys).
I've got nappies, breakfasts and dinner to make. The older kids will be coming over which means more cooking and cleaning which I don't mind but I can't cope with picking up and putting down stuff like this.
I can't keep doing my OH work for him. And now I'm scared we'll never open this school because it all rely on me creating the curriculum and policies needed. It's also my job to find funding.
My family is going to suffer because of how useless I am :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 7:43:55 GMT
And today I've got 25 exams to do.
My OH says to be this morning - 'don't worry, you've got until tomorrow' but he conveniently seemed forget that tomorrow I'll have even more to do, and tomorrow i'll have a deadline of 3pm. SO that doesn't reduce my stress levels 1 iota.
Sorry about the vent. Just feeling grumpy today.
would you beleive it took me 7 trys to type the letter 'the' just now - how dumb is that :-(
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 20, 2016 10:43:37 GMT
I really feel for you shiningbright . . you need a break . . Regardless of the ADHD, you have too much to cope with. . I'm glad that you feel that you can express yourself here where people can understand. I'm having another one of those days when my brain won't wake up, but I don't have children and family and exam papers to deal with, so I'm able to allow myself time out. Can you find a little time to be by yourself? or you could get out of the house for a short time. . take your children to the park? You can get a lot more work done if you take breaks, even little ones. Sometimes you spend all of your time doing things for others and not looking after yourself. . . You need to look after yourself. . take a break. . give yourself permission. . .
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 14:12:53 GMT
In the end I did some exams but couldn't think or write and it was stressing me til I wanted to cry. My oh told me to put it down and sort the children out first. So I played games withthe kids and iI'm feeling a little better now but I know it's only a temporary relief I'm glad all the same. I still can't think right and I'm all stressedan panicky about deadline dates and such. But my oh says to just do what I can and not worry. I try. He's really worried. Today he turned to me and asked ' do I put to much on you? ' while i was in the height of my stress and I said "right now i want to say yes" i probably really hurt his feelings. He doesn't know what to do and I can't talk to him cos when I try my toubge gets tight and doesn't work. I realised something today. Last time things got this bad inside my head I lost my house and job :-( so I'm super scared. But I'll keep plowing on, one foot in front of the other, cos nothing stays down for long and the more I try the more I'll find a way back up. I just don't know who I'll be when that happens :-(
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 16:59:20 GMT
Time to get back to work :-( I've been putting it off and off. I hope my kids fall asleep soon cos I need to be able to focus (normal bedtime is at 8)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 20, 2016 21:34:53 GMT
I feel so defeated just when I start feeling like I'm in control of this bloody stuff, despite the hour and how tired I am, we get an email from the IV pointing out some mistakes I've made - now I have to recheck EVERYTHING that I've got here - which is around 200 exams! There is no way I'll make a total deadline of tomorrow 3pm when I'm barely half way through the ones I've got here already and I've got another 20-30 coming in the morning. I have a second deadline of Monday for any I don't do today/tomorrow, plus the 20/30 so that will come in on Thursday night/Friday morning. So it's not the end of the world is I can;t do everything by tomorrow, but I had hoped to have the weekend with my boys. Oh well, I'll take them somewhere special next week as a treat. ALways look on the bright side of life right ...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 21, 2016 6:46:21 GMT
So, I did 11 (really 21) out of 23 (really 33) exams. I have 12/13 left to do.
I've fed my lad, just having a breakfast now and the baby is in his cot with a sleepy daddy. My 3 yr old hasn't woken up yet but when he does ge can feed and dress himself which my guidance.
So it's back to the grind stone.
After the sorrow of last night my OH told me to stop where I was and go to bed, I didn't sleep well but whenever the baby started crying or when my 3 yr old had a night mare - my OH was right there in seconds to tend to them so I could sleep. that means alot to me. Especially as I know he has to work late tonight then drive to London afterwork. So him taking this interrupted sleep for me, so that I'm better rested, means a lot.
So, I've been awake for a while now, and I've organised everything so I can just get on and do as needs be. At the very east I should get these 12/3 done today.
I'm trying to stay positive and not stress or panic - but inside I'm all tense and confused.
It helps when I'm on my own working - cos then I can talk to myself and/or imagine I'm doing something else to distract myself lol - In my imagination i'm sat on a beach in the sun and dipping my toes in the water while I casually work away (in reality I'm writing each paragraph as fast as I can and getting crapped wrists lol) - I prefer the beach lol :-) though I probably sound very disasociated lol ;-)
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 22, 2016 17:58:30 GMT
I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown, everytime I step away from the edge something happens to push my closer. It's scaring me.
But I'm not unhappy, I could never be unhappy. I've got to see this situation through now as best as I can, but next time it'll be different.
My OH doesn't understand how my brain works per say, he knows nothing about ADHD or anything like that. But he saw me yesterday as i was struggling to get the exams done (I managaed to get all but 2 done and now I have another 27 to do by Sunday, these are my last ones) and he saw that it was all too much for me.
One of his bosses (whom I'm deeply ashamed to say that I dislike her alot - she's extremely disorganised and then blames it on us or someone else, but we still end up having to work harder to fix her mistakes - how she ever got the position I'll never know, all training and no skill), has been emailing lots of different lists about the same learners, but if we send our one database (which I created so I think it's great lol. Got the names of each learner by day and class - 4 classes each day, 4 days a week - 128 learners in total- it's got a set of information in line with each name of when they sat each exam, when each exam was submitted, if it's a pass mark, etc. - and it's colour coded also with a clear key that even my OH - who isn't good at databases - can easily read) but nope, not good enough for the boss lady who wants all the submitted learners on this list and all the maths on another and all the english completes on another and all the english uncompletes on another and another list for those as need to resit exams or those who've not yet done exams and the list of lists goes on.
Why can't they have a centralised system where the learner details (ref #, DOB, etc that is needed for exam paperwork) is there along with dates of exams taken and submitted by us, then IVed by them, etc. Whenever I get a pile of exams I tick the name off on my register as having sat the exam, i then colour code it to say if they've pass or fail andf then say if they've been submitted and when. It takes two seconds to do with each exam as you go.
I'm also sick of them loosing the paperwork we send in. They email today to say that our submssion sheet and what they're reading dont match! Every year the loose something - we've had to re-enrol 4 learners cos they lost the paper work for them, so they've had to be enrolled the same time they are doing their exams - it's rediculus.
Plus, when my OH went back to working for them, it was under the agreement that he'd have autonamy to work as he does best, so that he doesn't have to rely on me so much, instead they send a translator who keeps reporting back to the boss lady about every little thing and she's being a total pain about it. I don't blame the tranlastor, she doesn't want to loose her job, but the boss lady needs to get her act together.
Anyway, vent over (for now lol) - my OH is now thinking of taking up taxi drivng or something for a year or so, leaving this job after the next project. SO that I can focus on the school and our kids more. I've literally been sick from the stress of all this and he feel horrid, but with his broken hand it can't do all this by himself. What he can do, he has done, but even with his fully working hand and my ADHD, I'm still faster then him.
I had a moment of hyperfocus yesterday morning, I was able to do 12 exams in 2 hours! But afterwards i was more tired then I could fathom and it took me an 7 more hours to do the other 18.
I'm procrastinating today ;-( Got to be up early in the morning for a dentist appointment I'm dreading - my plan is to relax tonight (cos my brain needs a rest really bad) and get back to it tomorrow after I get back. It's the only option open to me at this stage, I'm so wiped out lol.
But i'm still happy - I went out with my boys and had fun. hoping to enjoy the trip out tomorrow also :-) keeping optimistic about everything - I'm a determined optimist lol ;-)
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Post by marionk on Jul 23, 2016 13:18:09 GMT
One of his bosses (whom I'm deeply ashamed to say that I dislike her alot - she's extremely disorganised and then blames it on us or someone else, but we still end up having to work harder to fix her mistakes - how she ever got the position I'll never know, all training and no skill), has been emailing lots of different lists about the same learners, but if we send our one database (which I created so I think it's great lol. Got the names of each learner by day and class - 4 classes each day, 4 days a week - 128 learners in total- it's got a set of information in line with each name of when they sat each exam, when each exam was submitted, if it's a pass mark, etc. - and it's colour coded also with a clear key that even my OH - who isn't good at databases - can easily read) but nope, not good enough for the boss lady who wants all the submitted learners on this list and all the maths on another and all the english completes on another and all the english uncompletes on another and another list for those as need to resit exams or those who've not yet done exams and the list of lists goes on. Why can't they have a centralised system where the learner details (ref #, DOB, etc that is needed for exam paperwork) is there along with dates of exams taken and submitted by us, then IVed by them, etc. Whenever I get a pile of exams I tick the name off on my register as having sat the exam, i then colour code it to say if they've pass or fail andf then say if they've been submitted and when. It takes two seconds to do with each exam as you go. Boss woman clearly has problems understanding anything more complex than simple lists. Personally, I'd want those lists correlated into a spreadsheet with the relevant information, but it seems that even that is beyond her, let alone a whole database! How on earth they expect to keep up with the information without a database beggars belief! ~ ok it's not impossible, I mean, schools and exam boards kept records of all sorts of things long before computers, but in many ways, that was just the pen and paper version of a database, the same organisation of information, just much slower and more tedious to produce reports, and tbh, it sounds like she can't even manage to keep physical, on paper information sorted properly! Still, looking on the bright side, at least you have it all on a database, so producing silly little lists is easy, even though it is a daft way of presenting the information!
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 19:36:42 GMT
Oh marionk they have databases - about 6 of them I think (why they don't take one afternoon/day aside or put it all together in an easy to manage form I don't know). My OH has three bosses - the two owners who started the business and the manager lady pain. She's not a bad lady but she is poorly skilled at the job at hand. i know why she got the job - boss #1 likes my OH and wanted him for the job but boss #2 doesn't like my OH's calm ability and was worried he'd be pushed out by my OH (which he wouldn't, all my mister wants is a peaceful, safe and well paid job - rare things these days). So boss #2 insisted that lady be given the job (so that they looked more open, not all males in higher management). She got the job two months before taking maternity leave and all the extra paperwork then fell to my OH (AKA me) to do as they lost so much at the office. Now she's expecting fast turnarounds and seemingly different stuff all the time, it's vexing. Boss #1 has avoided me since the drama from the last project got screwed by her maternity leave, he values my OH's work and results (he always gets a 98-100% turnaround because we adapt our resources to each project rather then having a flat, across the board set that doesn't work for all). Boss #2 sees us as useful cos they basically get two staff members for the price of one. I honestly hope she learners and improves, but she won't do that til she learns how to instill respect and gratitude - people will put themselves out for someone who respects them no matter the dramas. If she doesn;t adapt then she'll never get past manager level and will always be stuck at this small company. She deserves better then this - all the problems at the company aren't hers alone - the two bosses are always doing their own things and most of the office support staff are family of boss #2 and they're inefficient workers - the most efficient I've seen so far was his teenage kid who works there in the holidays! Where as we have options to branch out on our own - my OH used to be a manager himself so he has the skills, and we're just using this job to bridge the gap tween now and opening our own place. The company has so much potential, boss #1 wanted to branch out when the iron was hot but with britexit that time has past (he got held back by boss #2) and now alot of their funding is going to dry up. It's a sinking shp and if they don't patch their hole they'll go down. But they can still fix it - so many markets they could cater too without changing anything. Small markets that can build up and, with very little input, provide revenue for when funding gets harder to find. For example - they focus mostly of polish and european workers, in the workplace, and teach english, maths, management, ICT. ect. But they are missing huge pools of learners and incomes - uni students from any country that need English to do their courses, they pay privately and teaching can be done on a 121 basis (at a little extra cost) and. Or our government is givng fundng to places that offer and run courses for women to learn english - aiming mostly at muslim women, who (from my experience) aren't going to feel comfortable learning from white males - where as a female teacher can easily manage such classes. Can also run specialised workshops that employers and employees need - such as about laws and regulations relating to modern slavery, visa laws, etc. Stuff that would normally take alot of research can be offered at workshop packages for companies and individuals for a small amount of imput. So much protental. Yet they have limited themselves to working along side an unreliable fundign course of a college that basically give them the projects they don't want to deal with. I personally have two databases - one for all sessions registers along with any learners noted as needed. I wanted to add thing I knew we'd need later like ref numbers and DOBs (If I had those I could have done alot of this paperwork months ago, or slowly over the last month) and one for exams. Alsways colour coded and easy to understand with a handy key (not that I need the key lol). Oh well... I simply can't maintain this level of stress and my OH can't do the job without my support. So he's looking into over options now. Taxing maybe, to see us through for a few years while I focus on the school idea. If it comes to light - hard to invision it currently while I'm so bogged down by all this...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 23, 2016 23:19:48 GMT
and I don't know whats wrong with my typeing hands lately - It's like they're workng at differetn speeds all of a sudden, my right hand keeps typing the letters that follow the letters my left hand is meant to type before my left hand gets a chance to type it, so words like hello beocme hlelo or gotcha becomes gohcta.
Weird - I blame it on all the writing I've done this week, my hand must be tired lol
I keep mispelling my OH name in his work emails >_< oh well, they'll live
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 9:44:08 GMT
I'm on my last 10/13 exams, to be collected some point this afternoon, and my boys are so loud!
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 13:21:35 GMT
That's it, I'm broken, I can;t do this anymore - if this was a job with a boss i'd just quit. But it's not so I have to keep going, no one else who can or will. But I'm extremely angry and hurt and sorrowed I finally finished the exams today. All done, finished and closed up. I'm beyond tired, I'm an emotional wreck right now and I'm all alone because my OH in on holiday with his other family. I thought, no big deal, take a couple days to rest, then on Wednesday through Friday, just work on the resources OH needs for the next week. No. My OH just rang me and told me that I have to do review forms also because the boss lady is insisting they have to be done by us. Weeks ago, 4 weeks ago exsactly (I have the emial proof) we asked her what papers we need to finish these learners off and she emaield them over. Now she's saying to do these, well my OH has another project coming up next week, he's on holiday which they all know about, but they also know that I'm not on holiday so they think "oh, it's okay C***** always does it all anyway. So it doesn't matter - she won't mind she never does." Bull shit. I've got two kids to look after - I'm meant to be a SAHM who's home edding her kids - not a unglorified PA and slack for their unreliable, unorganised set up. I've got ADHD, that's why I'm unorgnaised - what's their bl**dy excuse?!? So now, on Tues/Wed i've got another two piles of sheets coming over with a content of 127 each pile for me to go through, hand fill and send back in by Friday. What did my OH say "Oh, it's okay, you've got plenty of time - she doesn't want them until Friday." naturally completely forgetting that I'm out all day tomorrow to get a passport for my baby in Durham by train (my baby hates public transport and crowds so that's gonna be fun - not) and oh all the other work i have piled up. My house is a mess and my kids are upset because i'm so stressed and irratic lately. they don't deserve this. I don't deserve this. But what am i going to do - tell my OH don't lke it and do it anyway. Because that's the person I am, I'd never leave him hanging in a pinch Oh and never mind the fact that I woke up today with what looks to be a case of mastitis - so i'm extra tired, sore all over (mostly in the area), have a headache, an extra thing eating at my extremely limited focus and have a fever. Not that my OH asked how I am today - just spoke long enough to tell me someone was picking up the boxes and that i'd have this work to do. Then quickly spoke to our son before hanging up 'cause he's needed elsewhere. I know it's not his fault but right now I'm so angry at everyone and hurt by his utter distraction from me. I just feel so down trodden and broken. I know, logically, that It's not that bad, that I've got the skills and the motivation and that I'll get the job done - but the cost is what is hurting me and it's all coming down on me right this second - all the feelings I don;t like to feel all the thought I don;t let myself have and i'm crying next to my boys who are also crying because i'm crying and I'm so angry with it all and i'm so tired...
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 13:25:27 GMT
Oh and my OH wants me to find ferrys for him - which i did dispite the anger and crying - I know he'll thank me. I also know it was a wasted effort becasue the prices are way above his current range (which I knew they would be) but I did it anyway 'cause 'm just good like that, roll on the passive-aggressive sarcasm, jolly good
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Post by marionk on Jul 24, 2016 17:33:17 GMT
As it's really hubby's work, tell her he's on holiday . . . and take a holiday yourself.
eta Your health comes first, and that includes getting enough sleep and avoiding stress. Without your health, you cannot work, nor look after your children.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 17:33:18 GMT
Hi, sorry about that, I'm calm again now. Very embaressed but the feeling I hadn't arent invalid, I just need to handle myself better.
I reviewed my choices and the only path really open to me, that i can live with without hurting or disrupting anyone, is to do the best that I can and hope for the best. But I will likely need longer then Friday but I'm not gonna priorities these forms before the resources my OH needs. He's my priority not the lazy boss lady.
but I will have to talk to my OH about how I feel about all this - I know what he'll say but better out then in. My kids deserve a calm and relaxed me not a stressed and scary me. Poor lads.
Still feeling very ill but i'll make it through, I've survived way worse then a small infection.
SOrry again one and all :-) happy days (she says with just a hint of subliminal sarcasm lol) ;-)
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 24, 2016 17:45:52 GMT
shiningbright . . .right now I want to come round to your house, give you a hug and help you out with those s*dding papers! Even though I really don't think that you should feel obliged to do them . . on top of looking after your children and not feeling well. .it's not fair on you. . and your OH isn't even there to support you. . I don't know how you do it! You have every right to feel the way you do. . I would have had a full on screaming fit by now. . possibly chucking boxes of papers around . . .you're coping so much better than I would. . But you need to look after yourself, or you'll have nothing to give to your children. . Please find a little time to recharge yourself and not think about the work xx
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 24, 2016 19:08:16 GMT
Thnaks @vaugeandrandom It's be a long long loooooooong month (year?) and I'm flatter then a stone age battery. I need a break.
My OH is praying to take the kids to the Carabbiean later in the year, so they can see their gramddad before he passes, and he's hoping to take me with them, if he can afford to - a holiday is just what I need - even if the mosquites hunt me out and his mum dislikes me - I'm pro polygamy and she isn't - also never wavier in my support of my OH - her son - and she's stabbed him in the back countless times, I respectfully told her off for that once and she's not forgiven me lol (I'm a lioness - no one hurts my family) but she adores the kids and she's family, so it'll also be nice to see her ;-) I really hope I get to go.
I can't get the work off my mind - i dream about it and it drives me crazy! Normally, if I have a project or problem I need to slove, I can sleep on it and wake up with the answer or a plan to get the answer. But when I'm so overworked, my brain focuses on the work I enjoy and not the work I have to do - and it adds to the pressure because when I wake up I have answers to problems I've not got time to deal with and it just sits in my brain building up until I can get it out.
FOr example - I had a lovely dream (several times) for the pas year where I've built a house that accomodated the whole family - including each current missus and and future ones (4's the max), plus school room and pray room and gym. I love drawing these kind of houses down - I didn't have thte focus or smarts to do articeture full on at school (plus I had way too many interests to focus on one subject - I need space to explore when I learn) but it is a hobby of mine. Well it's been eating at me for ages - whenever I get a chance I jot down what I can, trying to get the proportions and angles and sizes right so that it actually fits propperly. It'll never actually be built but it's such fun and so relaxing - well i'm getting close but until I draw it out fully it'll nag at me.
Aother things nagging in my brain are resources for OH, resources for home ed, curriculum for school, curricululm for home ed, the blancket ii started for baby but never finished, the clothes I want (need really as all my are full of holes) to make for me and my 3 yr old, cleaning and organising the house, the children book series sat waiting and ready, the novel that I've only written a chapter for, a map of the land i created for said novel, and other stuff that I often remember when stressed out.
Prayer helps me to focus some, so do exersize - but i can;t exersize as much as I want too because I have too much work to do and get stressed if I don't do the work. but if I don;t exersize then I bringe or snack on sweets while I work to give me energy to get though it.
I text my OH today: I told him taht I need tot alk because I'm lonely, overwhelmed emotionally and that I need to get a load off my chest. I know that he'll try to 'fix' me but he cant so I told him that i'm not looking for a fix, that I know what I need to do, but that I'm feeling lonely (and a little abandoned) and need some comfort and reassurance. He's driving but he said he'd ring me as soon as he can.
He doesn't know about the infection yet, he'll be worried when he does - especially with tomorrow coming - but I never lie to him and I need him - he helps me with my emotions as much as I help him with his work (we're well matched lol).
When I cried and raged earlier, I could hear by boys crying in the bedroom so I went through and we all hugged and talked and then played together for a while. No matter how bad things get inside my head, they'll always be there to be with me. I'm so blessed. Even my ADHD is a blessing (not so much right now but when I'm calm and not under pressure) it helps me to see the world differently, to think differently and to find alternate options to what others thing are set paths.
So my 'plan' is to do this outing tomorrow; tuesday relax. Wednesday do atelat the first two resoruces for OH next week, Thursday relax and Friday do the work papers - they might take all weekend as they're really fidderly but I'll make it through. If i'm rested enough I might be able to hyper focus and get it done in one day. I'll need Monday/tuesday to recover again then get back to the resources. Also as of tuesday this week I need to get on my diet and stick to it, no matter what.
But my plans will only work if I don't get stress or extra stuff added - so I need to ask my OH to back off adding research tasks for me, they just interrupt my focus and he's got a car full of people able to do the research fro him -it's their holiday after all, not mine, I don't need to be finding stuff for them lol.
Okay, so I'm still vexed. But I'm not raging anymore atleast and I'm smling rather then crying :-) Could be alot worse ;-)
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Post by marionk on Jul 25, 2016 13:07:14 GMT
Mastitis is rarely an infection, errm maybe I should pm you with advice on what to do? Ditch those sweets, you're not eating them for the sugar anyway, you're eating them to get dopamine release. Dark chocolate is much more effective, so you don't eat so many unnecessary calories. Alternatively get a dx and get mph. Gingko is probably worth a try too, and maybe ginseng. Coffee is supposed to help but does nothing for me, maybe it works for you though? My favourite 'dream plan' is for a passive solar and rocket stove heated workshop, with a green roof, space for all my looms, and storage for all my wool and sundry equipment.
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 25, 2016 23:47:17 GMT
I'm not sure what is it currently - lots of pain, fever on and off. I thought it was mastitis (which you're right marionk isn't a infection but can turn into one, which I don;t want to happen). I've got pain contranstly in that side, I had a lump there last week, like the kind I get when engorged, but it passed after an extra feed for the babe. There is a red patch about the size of my palm on the left side of my areola, where the pain is. The whole area hurts all the time but mostly there. It's alot firmer, even after extra feeds, then my other side. I'm drinking extra fluids, giving baby for milk (dispite the pain - to be honest pain doesn't bother me, i'm used to it, but it developing into something worse isn't something I want happening), gentle massarges, warm showers (wish I had a bathtub lol - I'm willing to pay £50 for a hotel just to have a bath. If I had £50 lol). Hopefully it'll pass. but if it's no better by Wed 'll go see a DR. Thanks, I know it's good for some but "Alternatively get a dx and get mph." simpley iisn't an option for me (for many reasons). my best bet is to hack it through, beat myself up some, freack out every now and then and stuggle to find my zen again. I know my problem - I've got too much on my plate. But I have no way of getting it off. My OH is trying to limit my work and stress as much as he can but he doesn't understand - he thinks that will power conquers all and the like, that my mind set is optional and/or controlable by will. He means well. How can anyone who doesn't know ever understand anyway. He loves me and that counts for more then anyone could know. Turns out with the whole boss lady thing, she'd actually been wanting more stuff from him (AKA me) but he fenced her and is trying to work it out so that I don't have to worry too much. She also told him that she wants the papers by Friday this week (our fault really - we generally have must faster turn around times then everyone else at the office) but he told me I can take til next week if I need to. He things it an easy task, keeps talking about how it'll take no time, I can do bit by bit, he doesn't get it. But he tries. I struggle. Alot more then I want to admit, alot more then I've said even on here. But I'm not a quitter and I wont give up on myself or my family. I'll see my way though this ohase and pray there will be time to fix the damage I do to myself before the next drama hits. And i'll keep on going until I'm old and useless lol. For now, my crazy brain is both my biggest curse and my only real skill. It makes me useful. Which I need. I've studied phsychology, I know what all that means and leads too and my underlying 'issues' but when one looks at their options, they have to make the choice that they can most live with. Mine is to struggle on until A - I break or B - i get a breakthrough and become some amazing person lol :-) (or C - the most realistic option - curcumstances change an dI don't have to sruggle so much any more, which is impossible lol)
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