mike161
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Post by mike161 on Jul 27, 2016 5:48:44 GMT
Hi.I really could do with some advice. My son who is 17 has adhd and over the last year had changed. He always seemed to have managed himself but since leaving school things have changed.
He has a group of freinds and they are close. I think he likes the only girl in the group Lucy more than he should but she is dating one of the group who he helped get them both together. Never having a girlfriend in his life I think he is confusing the signals of a close friend.
He has been self harming by cutting his arm which he confided in Lucy and she persuaded him to tell us. He has stopped and he talks to us about his feelings more.
He seems to be over thinking things all the time. He worries he will loose his friends, he thinks he is not good looking and why would girls like him etc. I too have adhd but it was never diagnosed where my son has been. I do my best to help him but seem to going round in circles. I feel for him as all the girls look at him but he has no confidence in himself.
Mike
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 7:47:13 GMT
Oh Mike I feel for you. I know it's hard. You're doing so well that your son feels he is able to talk to you about his feelings and such. That is a huge accomplishment, more then you'd realise.
ADHD or not being a teenage, especially at that age where they're expected to behave like adults while society treats them like kids, is extremely confusing and complicated.
My advice to you is to let your concerns go a bit. What your son needs from you most now is trust and to be there even when he is wrong (which it sounds like you are which is amazing). He needs to be able to make his own mistakes, and figure out how he'll fit in society. Especially when it comes to women.
By all means advice him about anything and everything you desire, but I advice you to wait until he asks gffor your opinion/advice before you give it. Something which I get the feeling you already do :-)
Your son is emotional, hormonal, lustful,lonely, angry, stressed, confused, overwhelmed, and panicky about thefuture. He needs to figure out who he is as much as what he wants from life. And we often learn so much more from our mistakes then our successes.
I hope all that makes sense.
I'm a female so it's slightly different. But at 17 I too was self harming and a total basket case. No one in my life cared a jot and I struggled with every aspect of my life. Your son has so much on his side, so much love and support, tthat's what he needs now - love support and trust. You sound like a wonderful parent and your son is much blessed :-)
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jul 27, 2016 11:35:44 GMT
I agree with shiningbright but would like to add that leaving school can be difficult for young people with ADHD as the structure and order that school provides is suddenly gone. I'm presuming that he still lives at home and that you provide security and structure to some extent. What does he do now that he's no longer in school? If he's not in college or work, I can see how easy it would be to spend too much time overthinking. Does he have systems in place to help with organisation? I'm mentioning this because another difficult time will be when he eventually leaves home and has to be responsible for his own life management and it would be useful to think about this and prepare before the time comes. Another thing. . . ADHD often comes with some autistic spectrum traits, even if they're not significant enough for a separate diagnosis. This can affect the way that we socialise, not knowing how to act in social situations, behaving inappropriately and not picking up on signals that other people seem to do naturally. . I know that this is the case with me and it may be worth exploring. Being 17 is a confusing and difficult time for most people and people with ADHD are more self critical and aware of their difference than the general NT population. You're giving him support and care. . .continue to do so.
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mike161
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Posts: 2
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Post by mike161 on Jul 27, 2016 18:27:23 GMT
Thank you for all your replys. My son is under a Psychiatrist who we are seeing shortly regarding how my son is dealing with teenage life and his adhd.
Yes my wife and I spend time with him and listern to all his concerns. He is at college now and this will be his second year from september. He is starting a new college which I know is already causing him to be on edge.
We have tried various groups but his nerves always get the better of him. I have been taking him fishing so we can talk more in neutral zone.
We also spend time fixing his car while he learns to drive. He enjoys this as he feels he is achieving something.
Mike
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Post by shiningbright on Jul 27, 2016 19:47:11 GMT
Sounds like you're doing a great job and that your son is surrounded by love :-)
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Post by longstocking on Sept 11, 2016 10:30:49 GMT
Hi Mike,
Just some thoughts for what it's worth, with the awareness that you may have already considered these things :-)
If your son is over-thinking things and doubting himself I'm wondering if it's possible to sort of introduce him to a bunch of different or new interests, team sports, classes or clubs. Could be anything from an improv theatre troupe to tai chi lessons. Of course if he's 17 he may say no to it all but frankly one has to actually try it first.
I'm just brainstorming a bit here but the idea is twofold: occupy that busy brain in the hopes that he might begin to hyper focus on something he can excel at, thus creating confidence in himself and taking some of his focus off the girl.
If he were meeting other girls in new classes or areas of town it would probably help to take his focus off Lucy, who is unavailable anyway and that just makes her seem more desirable. Not good.
It would be great if he could meet new girls in a casual atmosphere such as working on a team project or again some interest. It's harder to be self-conscious when you're busy doing something, especially something you like doing and are fairly good at, instead of standing around talking.
Good luck and take care-you sound like a terrific Dad!
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