kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 15, 2016 18:07:51 GMT
I love writing. Hence starting this. But not sure how long I can keep it going for... I start lost of things, including various diaries, but I get bored and don't get around to updating. One day I would love to write a book. I've started so many times, but it doesn't sound right, or I doubt my ability (who are you kidding playing at being an author?), and no-one would read it anyway... So, what led me here? A chance comment in a facebook group. A week ago. I'd written a few things as I was soon to have an assessment with a local low level MH provider and I wasn't sure if I should go. Someone asked if I'd been tested for adhd. No. Last thing I would think of. Cue much internet searching (and not much else!) and I landed here. With so many lightbulb moments! It all sounded so familiar. Going to break things down to make posts more readable
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 15, 2016 18:31:14 GMT
SymptomsI still doubt very many of them. It's been this way so long it's normal. At least I thought it was. Nothing a good boot up the backside wouldn't solve. I'm just lazy, utterly disorganised and forgetful. A few lists broken down into small chunks, and notes left to remember stuff. That's all it takes, right? Anyway: * my overwhelming problem is everything is overwhelming. I procrastinate for England and after putting things off and not getting around to them for so long, they just get bigger and bigger. I start something with all good intentions and loads of enthusiasm. Current project was to clear out the loft of the kids stuff. It's all gone up there, just in case, but the youngest is 12 now, I'm 43, my new husband has had the snip, there will be no more little bundles using or wearing it all so I may as well give it to someone who will use it. Only we don't have a lot of space, and I want to make sure all the toys match up into sets etc, so it's all been piled in the living room. This was months ago. It's not been touched since as I have no idea where to start. I've even put the 6 person tent up in the garden to put all the clothes in so I can sort into ages and sexes etc. That was weeks ago.... Which leads me to - * prioritising. I can't do it. I make lists. Oh, I am a list queen. Everything is written down, bug tasks broken down bit by bit. Everything I would love to get done. But do you think I can actually cross things off? Practitioner I saw today (for a later post) reckoned I should start every list with 'write to-do list' so I can cross at least one thing off. Anyway. I need to sort the living room as it's currently unusable and the rest of the family are getting pee'd off. But the bedroom needs clearing out too as my new husband is moving in in a few weeks once he's worked his notice, and I need to make room for his stuff. Which is more important? And then there's the kitchen, and my piles of paperwork that needs sorting as it's hiding all sorts of important letters.... Sorting all this would be simple. They may be tedious tasks, but it's easy. Get rid of the rubbish, file the paperwork, sort the clothes/toys and bag up for charity or sell on facebay.If only it wasn't for the lure of the internet.... * distraction Thing is, I can't see the mess. Self preservation kicks in and I've blocked it out. I have a table in the kitchen I use as my desk (I work from home most of the time) and I sit there. Problem sorted
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 20, 2016 20:13:25 GMT
So, I start off with good intentions...
A bit of background... I have 2 jobs. The first one I've been doing 4 and a half years - a Slimming World consultant. Self employed, working from home, recipe for disaster. In March I got another job working in a cafe at a local gardens. I love being sociable, and missed the interaction with people working from home doesn't give. apart from needing the money, I hoped having to go to work on my 3 free days a week would give me a bit more structure to my days so I'm not lost with having the whole day ahead of me. Maybe I would actually get something done if I had less time to fit it all in......
Some hope!
Friday was group day. I love seeing my members and hoe they've done, but last week the inability to remember names of people I see week on week was extra bad. The more I stared at her, the more the mind went blank. I've turned my rubbishness with names into a standing joke with them, but it's getting embarrassing now.
The job at the cafe is great, if it wasn't zero hours, and a really quiet time of the season. Apart from pushing the time I leave to the limit so as not to be late, I manage fine. I know what I'm doing, I can manage in that sort of social setting (though them talking about getting a group of us together down the pub to catch up with my recent wedding photos is worrying me a bit....), and I enjoy it.
Today I emailed my SW manager about my potential inattentive adhd. It's affecting my ability to get on and do the work I need to do during the week between groups. I've always struggled with this bit. Once I've done the face to face session it's out of sight, out of mind until next week. Two years ago I was on a last chance warning and managed to get my act together, do some promotion, and things got better for a bit. But I couldn't keep it up. Same as when our old manager left and a new one came along. I wanted to prove that I COULD do it, I wasn't just lazy etc, but again, it didn't last. Over the summer (pre adhd discovery) I took some time off to decide what to do. I know I could be really good, I've been told as much, but no matter how much I want to be good and successful, it doesn't make any difference to my ability to go after what I want. Awaiting her response.
Still trying to push myself to go get an appointment with the doc. Hate the thought of how long it could all take, worried that I have very little evidence from school, just generally worried about being taken seriously, so all this is stopping me from making that first contact...
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 20, 2016 21:59:02 GMT
Just finished Driven to Distraction. Really insightful. Read it in 2 days, most of it, got bored 3/4 of the way through and flicked through the rest. Never had a problem with reading, always had my nose in a book as a kid, but was more aware of how I often have to read a paragraph more than once as I know I've read it but nothing has gone in.
Everything is now looked at in terms of an adhd brain, and not just mo normality. Not sure of that is helpful or a hindrance...
Have now ordered You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 22, 2016 15:32:02 GMT
I did it. Got my backside round to the doc and booked an appointment for 3rd October. Had to change my name with them too, and registered for online access, so I can book an appointment online now, and see an overview of my records. Fascinating to see how long ago some things were! Must see the doc once a year at most, so lose track of time lol.
Adhd or not, at least it's a starting point, I hope, to finding out whatever has been bugging me for all these years. Was surprised to see I have a 10 minute slot though. Didn't think you got more than a couple these days, and forgot to ask for a longer one so I could try an explain everything. One less thing to have to use the phone for lol. Might actually get my overdue smear done if I can book online....
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 23, 2016 11:11:44 GMT
Work is getting worse. Or maybe I've been noticing it more lately... Last week my mind went blank when I was trying to talk to one of my Slimming World members. I knew who she was, I knew I knew her name, but do you think I could remember it? And this week I couldn't read something on the tablet properly which confused me. I seem to spend most of the time apologising for being so rubbish. I actually asked them if I was getting worse, but they kindly told me I'd always been like it! One even joked they only come for the entertainment lol. At least it's nice to know I'm good at something.... Really not relishing the thought of negotiating the diagnosis hassles. Haven't heard encouraging things about Hampshire and referrals so far. Can't believe it takes so long in most areas . Wish I could go private but a) I'm broke and b) I don't agree with having to, rather than it being a choice to. New book turned up this morning - You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy? Need something to show the hubby. Told him last night about the doctor's appointment, and think he's of the opinion that it's not real if it's not been diagnosed, so I just need to get a diagnosis and then get it treated or cured and life will be how it should be...
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 23, 2016 16:29:36 GMT
Have just rattled off an email to Dr Sally Cubbin's practice in the hope of some pointers on how best to get referred to her on the NHS. Fingers crossed.
Need to buy more printer paper so I can print off stuff for the doc, just in case I need back-up. No idea where the stash is I know I've got somewhere. Had a bit of a start on the tidying up last weekend and have probably put it away somewhere. Recipe for disaster actually putting stuff away....
Need to get on with the washing up too, but one of my friends is swimming the Channel today and it's fascinating tracking her pilot boat. Not far to go now before she touches France. Awesome.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 26, 2016 7:55:17 GMT
Big argument with the hubby yesterday . When I excitedly sent him a text one night - ok, late, but it took a lot to admit to him I may be defective as I don't do anything wrong with me, I just generally ignore it and hope it will go away. But I had nothing in response. Next day I asked if he'd got my text in an email. He works away during the week. Again, no response, but then I don't always, so mentioned it on our nightly call. Just got fobbed off really... Last week I booked an appointment with the doc to start the diagnosis procedure. Oh good, you can get it confirmed and then find out how to get it cured. Right. All came to a head yesterday, as he's pretty much accused me of self diagnosing based on a load of claptrap I've read off the internet. And to stop making excuses as it could be any number of things, like depression. Oh, and going on what you've said, I could have it too! Am I wrong to be really hurt that he couldn't show any interest in the beginning? Even if he didn't believe me, and I certainly don't expect him to 'get it' straight away, but if it was the other way round I'd have read everything I could to see if what I saw in him backed up what he thought he had. And I'd be with him every step of the way trying to be as supportive as possible. Trying to sort out the mess I've made in nearly every room in the house, but have no idea which to do first, so switch off as it's too overwhelming. So I asked him to help by telling me what he thought I should start with. He made it all sound so easy, and so obvious he'd not listened to anything I'd tried explaining about inattentive adhd (why do I ALWAYS want to call it inactive??). If even my own husband (of 5 weeks) humour me and give me the benefit of the doubt, and support me unconditionally, who the hell will?! Think I'll go back to trying to read my book, while listening to the same bit of song playing over and over in my head (as I can't remember the rest of it), and having a conversation with 'someone' about something that happened yesterday at the same time! Wish it would all just shut up
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Sept 26, 2016 10:49:36 GMT
I'm really sorry that you had this reaction from your husband.
ADHD is so misunderstood in society and even within the medical professions. So many people think it's a made up illness to excuse bad behaviour and laziness.
When I thought that I might have ADHD and when I was dx, I was so happy that I'd found an answer to my bizarre collection of quirks and neuroses that I wanted to tell everyone. . .
My mum still won't talk about it and someone I know quite well, who has experienced and campaigns for MH issues and I thought would be supportive reacted really aggressively and told me that I didn't have it!
Then there's the problem that it's a neuro developmental disorder (physical) being treated in the MH services . .
It's not a mental illness that can be cured!
Anyway. . Rant over. . you'll always be you, dx or not. Your husband fell in love with and married you. Meds may, or may not help, but understanding your condition can make living with it better.
I don't know what else to say. . it's difficult. . I just want to offer you some support and let you know that you're most likely not delusional. . You've read some good books and recognise yourself. . The only way you'll know for sure if you have ADHD is to get assesed.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Sept 26, 2016 13:04:44 GMT
Thank you V&R Things weren't quite as chaotic in the house when we met over 6 years ago - I just threw everything, and I mean everything, in the loft, or the garage, and forgot about it as I couldn't face doing anything with it at the time. So when marriage came into the equation, and him moving in, I decided it was time to do something. So in full enthusiastic all or nothing mode, out it all came lol. So now we have no room, and he's seeing the other side of me in all it's full glory. Even I will admit my house is a horrible place to live in at the moment, I just need him to understand that however much I WANT to do something about it, it's not that easy. And the self help book will take time to read, but nowhere near as long as an assessment will probably take to come through, as long as I get one... As you say, knowing there is a reason behind it all will help, but it's such a shame when people refuse to accept or discuss it
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Oct 3, 2016 13:22:05 GMT
Ok, so I went to the doctor today. Was WAYYYY out of my comfort zone as I don't do things wrong with me at the best of times, let alone something like telling him I think I have adhd...
Not sure if it went well or not. Went armed with some info, the ASRS screening thing, and the email from Dr Sally Cubbin who takes NHS referrals and has a clinic only a couple of miles away, but was mainly asked about the practicalities and specifics of how I'm affected.
He didn't seem confident of getting funding for a referral, so wanted to show how badly I was affected in practical terms, so we ended up with might lose my job being the main issue. One room of the house being unusable thanks to my enthusiasm in wanting to clear out the loft rapidly disappearing, or the friction between me and the rest of the family because of it, or the worry that early onset dementia was setting in didn't seem to swing it in terms of securing funding.
As he said, it's like I needed an assessment to prove I needed funding for an assessment. He admitted he knew practically nothing about adhd, but enough to see that there was a lot of overlap with depression - though he accepted I didn't feel depressed, so I suppose it's good that he wants to make sure enough bases are covered so the ccg will agree to cough up.
So now I've got to wait 3-4 weeks as he's going to write to Dr Cubbin himself to see what specific info will be needed to make sure we get funding, and take it from there. He did forst mention a place called Anchor House (I'm in the New Forest/Southampton area), which I have found out is part of the adult mental health provision, but certainly doesn't look like it deals with anything like adhd, so hopefully he's rethought that idea after saying he'd contact Dr Cubbin direct for advice.
Still not talking to the hubby about it all, it's kind of a no-go area at the moment. Don't know if he'll even remember I had the appointment today lol.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Nov 10, 2016 14:18:02 GMT
Well, it's been a while!
It's been 5 weeks since I first went to the doc - 3 weeks where he contacted Dr Sally Cubbin (who I'd be referred to for an assessment), and another 2 between receiving the letter asking me to see him again, and actually being able to get an appointment!
Today I had that appointment. He mumbled and murmured a lot as he tapped away on the keyboard and clicked various things, but printed out the screening test thing so I could do again for him (took the copy I had the first time, but he didn't want it then, and couldn't find it today) and the funding request form. All filled out with what Dr Cubbin advised him to say, all signed, all stapled together, and in his out tray ready to send off to the CCG. They apparently meet monthly, so hopefully I won't have to wait too long, and doc didn't reckon there would be much of a problem with it being approved.
So, we're on the way. Don't know how long a referral will take to come through once funding has been agreed though. Asked about an asperger's assessment too, but was told Dr Cubbin should pick up on anything like that as there's a bit overlap between adhd and asd, so there is anything she will either refer me herself or send me back to the doc.
Relieved that things are in motion, but daunted by the whole idea of being defective. Also contemplating getting the children looked at, but wary as they seem fine to me lol.
One thing I did become aware of while waiting - how much I fidget! Just as I got there someone was brought in having an allergic reaction, so my doc got caught up in initially helping her, and then had another 3 people to see before me. Had to wait 40 minutes in the end, but noticed I was nearly constantly moving something - wriggling mm toes in my boots, tapping my thumbs together, and even alternating bum cheek clenches! Don't really notice it at home, I'm usually moving around or on the laptop I suppose...
Sorry for the essay!
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Nov 10, 2016 15:14:03 GMT
Not defective, just different. If anything is defective is modern/western culture/society/economic systems.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Jun 3, 2017 15:49:26 GMT
Haven't posted for ages! Not much was going on really, just waiting, so forgot all about my ramblings.
So, to bring you up to date - I've had my assessment!
Part one, went by myself as hubby had double booked with a work trip, and all she did was briefly go through the questionnaires I filled out. I was really nervous, and am never good with bigging up what's wrong with me. Usually play down everything and just get on with it myself, so feel I made a right hash of getting my point across. Didn't feel she asked me specific enough questions for me to bring up specific enough examples, and it ended with no conclusive outcome. She wanted to speak to my mum and husband in person to get their perspectives, and suggested I tried going gluten free for a month, before another appointment. This was because while she agreed I showed some adhd traits, she'd misdiagnosed someone in the past when it wasn't conclusive, and later found out this person had a gluten intolerance.
so off I went, less than an hour later, feeling pretty shit. I managed 2.5 weeks gluten free, and while it helped in a few other ways, it had no effect on the 'brain fog' it was meant to be testing.
Part 2 was 2 days ago now, and this time the hubby was able to join me. Though after getting annoyed with him for not being able to come before, I didn't know if I actually wanted him to come this time lol.
She asked how I'd got on gluten free, and chatted to the hubby about me. Asked me about my moods, and what was the biggest issue I had. Seemed more interested in what the hubby had to say! And apparently my mum thought my untidyness as a child/teenager was perfectly normal, which I wasn't impressed about. Dad would make us tidy our rooms on a Sunday, and I was often in tears at the overwelmingness of the job - the floor was often at least a foot deep in 'stuff'! And it would be just the same by the next week....
This time I just switched off, especially after she gave me suggestions on how to tidy more efficiently. I thought it was a good idea to get the kids stuff out of the loft and get rid of it. Over a year and a half later it's still making the living room unusable, and the job is so big I just don't look at it. If I on't go in the room it's not there. Dr Cubbin, I thought, was one of the leading voices on adult adhd, but didn't appreciate her telling me that I should just go and get 3 bags - one to put charity stuff in, one to put rubbish in, and one to put stuff to keep in. I'm 44 years old for heaven's sake!
So, still no conclusive diagnosis. Something to do with running marathons. apparently someone with adhd wouldn't be able to organise a weekend away camping to run a marathon. By now I've given up and didn't bother telling her how we're usually pitching the tent at gone 9 at night as it's taken so long to get out of the house, that I've had to run in the hubby's trainers before as I'd forgotten mine, that on more than one occasion I've forgotten to pack cooking pans, cutlery, plates etc, that we often forget to get the chairs out to take, and last weekend I luckily managed to remember to ask if my backpack was in the car only 5 mins down the road.
Not holding out much hope (she hinted about my low mood so assumed she was going to blame it on the self diagnosed dysthymia) I was a little surprised when she said she'd start me on methylphenidate. I did show some signs of adhd, but was apparently very orgnanised, and could work ok - one job involves working in a cafe, where we're pretty much left to our own devices to get on with it, where I'm often rushing in at the last minute, and regularly walk round in a daze trying to work out what I'm doing if I've not been given a specific task, and job 2 is a self employed Slimming World consultant, which I'm contemplating giving up as I'm letting everyone down by not being able to self motivate myself to do the job properly!
Follow up phone appointment in 2 weeks.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Jun 3, 2017 16:00:29 GMT
Day 1 Had picked up Medikinet the previous day, and was takig 3 x 5mg doses to start with. Had to run the Slimming World group today. Apprehensively took my first dose before group, not having any idea how it would make me feel. The only thing I can consciously remember was a feeling of space in my head. That it wasn't filled with 'clutter', and I had a space to breathe. To me it was like when I got to the top of Sca Fell Pike in the Lake District and could see so far. The sheer hugeness of the place filled me with 'wow'. Really can't describe it lol, and it sounds really stupid, but that's how mu head felt. 'Bigness' and more room. Don't think it lasted long though . And everything seemed to go as normal - like me forgetting people's name's and not remembering what I was doing... Dose 2 when I got back. Didn't really feel much that I was aware of, but felt a little bit jittery for a short time. Nothing serious. Had my CBT session too, which actually went really well. My main problem is getting on and doing stuff. It impairs my Slimming World job and my home life. My relationship with my daughter is at rock bottom as I can't get on and tidy the mess up I created, so he 'made' me finally get rid of 2 charity bags I've been carrying around in the car for at least 3 weeks. The charity shop is just across the road from where I have my sessions! Found myself smiling all the way there and back lol. Actually felt good for the first time in ages on the way home. Medikinet? Or the prozac starting to kick in after 10 days? Dose 3 - didn't really feel anything after taking this one. Though all in all, I think I was a little less volatile, especially with the hubby. And luckily I managed to get to sleep ok, though it was pretty hot.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Jun 3, 2017 17:13:52 GMT
Day 2 Managed to sleep ok, apart from it being a tad on the hot side when I went to bed, but woke up with a stonking headache . Didn't shift that until lunch time, even with a couple of paracetamol. So, dose 1, and didn't feel anything from it. Don't know if it's the positivity from finally feeling like I'm getting somewhere, or the pills did actually help, but took a loa of stuff to the tip that's been hanging around for ages, and then went to the shops to put some money in the bank. Popped into Waitrose to get some food, and a free coffee, sat on the promenade (I live in a village on the New Forest edge of Southampton Water), and then came home. Dose 2 - after some lunch. One good thing about the meds is that I've lost a lot of my appetite. Couldn't eat all of my dinner last night for the first time in soooo long! Then managed to get on with tidying some stuff in the living room - sorting out the tent that had been drying from the weekend, and sorted through a few other bits. In between having to play with the dog, of course. Felt a bit more lethargic than I had, but I'm used to being permanently tired. Dose 3 - felt VERY weary after taking this one, about the time I thought it should be kicking in. Hubby came looking for me (I was sat at the laptop drinking beer lol) and asked me what I was up to. Usual snappiness in feeling criticised for daring to sit down. Felt he's taking the whole thing as a joke, and now I've got pills I should be up running around doing everything yesterday like superwoman! I'm shattered! did manage to pull it together to put the camping stuff and Christmas stuff (yep, been at the top of the stairs since December) in the loft, so at least that is out of the way. Thinking of upping the dose to 3 x 10mg tomorrow, or at least for the first one, to see how it goes.
|
|
kw
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 29
|
Post by kw on Jun 4, 2017 19:34:15 GMT
Day 3 Today I took 3 x 10mg doses (like it says on the packet and I was told I could try) and things seemed a lot better. Not as much tiredness or as many attacks of the yawns as meds wore off compared to yesterday, though I did feel I was a lot more talkative than normal before the lunchtime dose was due. Then, an hour or two after the last dose, hubby mentioned he's not used to me talking quite so much. Again, no discernable effects during the day, and certainly no difference in my ability to spend money! Went to Gunwharf Quays outlet shopping in Portsmouth, and ended up spending more than I probably should have done. Just because it was payday 5 days ago, and I got a bit extra in tax back, doesn't mean I have money to squander. Did get some good bargains in the sales though . Definitely feeling sleepy now though, and have to be up early as the kids are back to school. Will be interesting to see how I fare at work compared to usual, as I've not been to this job while on the meds yet, and the other job was only after the very first pill. After seeing it being mentioned in a few places, I picked up a copy of Melissa Orlov's "The ADHD Effect on Marriage". Have only read the first few pages, and already things are sounding pretty familiar. Hoping it will give me, and the hubby, some tips on how to live with each other...
|
|