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Post by turnrightnow on Jan 1, 2017 19:40:59 GMT
Hi there group,
Happy new year . What is people ideas on this. I understand friendships and genrally enjoying each others company. I have a selection of male friends. Generally old school friends and people from out and about.
My struggle is that sometimes i yearn for more intimacy. I want to snuggle up hug. Well basically i can fall in love not sex but possibly could lead to.
This might not be such a step if i was attracted to opposite sex. (There can be confussion here too)
ALl of us really want to be loved and sometimes a friendship possibly can't give us all we need.
So im confussing a friendship with a relationship.
It could be that this is just life science and nothing at all todo with ADHD/Autism Be cool to understand this some more.
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Post by turnrightnow on Jan 2, 2017 18:20:41 GMT
Theres a reply to this post?? Cant see it
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Post by marionk on Jan 2, 2017 20:12:36 GMT
It's possibly by someone that's only just joined the forums, so their posts can only be seen on mobiles until an admin approves them. I have a reply to your first post in progress on a different computer, I might get it posted later tonight or it might take a bit longer.
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Post by turnrightnow on Jan 2, 2017 22:37:45 GMT
Cool beans...thanks for the heads up
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Post by marionk on Jan 3, 2017 9:48:55 GMT
Most of that confusion is due to semantics, because 'relationship' is the word used as a euphemism for a particular kind of relationship. In a few contexts it's obvious it's not a euphemism, e.g. What kind of relationship do you have with your boss? but in others, especially potentially romantic situations, the distinction gets very hard to pin down.
In the proper meaning of the word, we have a relationship with everything and everyone around us, and even things can have relationships with the things around them, but as a euphemism, sometimes it simply means a sexual relationship, only, either the person talking about it is a prude, or is afraid the person they are talking to is a prude. But sometimes, it's used to mean (more) involvement, contact, or commitment, or even more openness, such as when one half of a 'couple' (now I'm using couple as a euphemism for people who have sex together) says 'I don't want a relationship', and that usage always astounds me. Not just because they are using the word in such a twisted way, but because despite their clearly being in a 'relationship' they are trying to keep their distance, but still get to have sex with that person. And it does happen irl, not just in ghastly soaps! Some people really are gits.
Aside from semantics, there are the social mores that infer that any more physical contact between non relatives than the occasional hug, implies sexual attraction. This is becoming less of a problem, as more people are becoming more accepting of 'unconventional relationships', but it can still raise inhibitions between friends. Such as when my affectionate friend still gives me a hug and a kiss when we meet and part, even though we're likely to meet up again in a couple of days time. I don't mind at all, but it's not what I'm used to (I hadn't seen her for years) and it makes me feel very awkward. Ironic really as she is the one person aside from close family that I can let see the inside of my truly shockingly messy house.
'Relationships' that really work are rare and precious, and so are friendships.
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Post by marionk on Jan 3, 2017 9:54:03 GMT
Cool beans...thanks for the heads up I've just looked on my phone and can't see any other replies, so either it's been deleted, or it was never actually there.
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Post by computermandan on Jan 5, 2017 1:31:50 GMT
You know I'm confused and coming round to the idea that my catholic upbringing somewhat blinkered my own conscious thoughts early on. I had a remarkably open, frank and enlightening chat with my soon to be 13 year old daughter a couple of months back. She took me totally by surprise with how both open minded, self aware and confidently sure of herself she was/is. I'm not remotely affectionate with my parents.. it weirds me out. If i think to much about it I'm the same in the physical sense with my kids, as they grow up I find it awkward to kiss them goodbye etc... which is kind of a daft thing... they're my little girls for goodness sake! Anyway this convo with the eldest... she said something like "I'm bisexual" which set dad alarms off, in the "crap i haven't waffled on stupidly about something i didnt really mean did I?" sense. Lol Anyway she admitted shed not mentioned it because she thought I'd be upset. Not that she wasn't straight, but because she's "labelled" herself aged 12. So on realising dad was like "ah ok fair enough" ... she went on to elaborate... turns out she doesn't know/care if she likes boys or girls more than the other because she fully intends to be closer to the people she likes and who like her and if "love" arrives then that will be the person... so she's turned my mind inside out by simply making the totally logical choice of removing the society expected default of "straight" until otherwise and replaced it with... "undecided but open to ideas"... Maybe after all it was ok to upset mother by refusing to get the kids christened "just because" Funny old world we live in... im learning to have more empathy a i go on
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Post by turnrightnow on Jan 8, 2017 0:07:07 GMT
You know I'm confused and coming round to the idea that my catholic upbringing somewhat blinkered my own conscious thoughts early on. I had a remarkably open, frank and enlightening chat with my soon to be 13 year old daughter a couple of months back. She took me totally by surprise with how both open minded, self aware and confidently sure of herself she was/is. I'm not remotely affectionate with my parents.. it weirds me out. If i think to much about it I'm the same in the physical sense with my kids, as they grow up I find it awkward to kiss them goodbye etc... which is kind of a daft thing... they're my little girls for goodness sake! Anyway this convo with the eldest... she said something like "I'm bisexual" which set dad alarms off, in the "crap i haven't waffled on stupidly about something i didnt really mean did I?" sense. Lol Anyway she admitted shed not mentioned it because she thought I'd be upset. Not that she wasn't straight, but because she's "labelled" herself aged 12. So on realising dad was like "ah ok fair enough" ... she went on to elaborate... turns out she doesn't know/care if she likes boys or girls more than the other because she fully intends to be closer to the people she likes and who like her and if "love" arrives then that will be the person... so she's turned my mind inside out by simply making the totally logical choice of removing the society expected default of "straight" until otherwise and replaced it with... "undecided but open to ideas"... Maybe after all it was ok to upset mother by refusing to get the kids christened "just because" Funny old world we live in... im learning to have more empathy a i go on ...it turns out that this situation i was explaining in my earlier post is kinda happening now. Uncertainty with feelings for friends. I have made one advance on understanding, maybe as simple as the need for a hug..Fine with friends that i dont have sexual Feelings for. Just got to be careful with other friends. I know there are other types of "relationships", "couples" ect with various nuances. So because of my awkward feelings i was up front with one mate and he said hes fine with hugs but not interested in taking things further. As itbhappened he was yearning for a comforting hug. I respect his feelings. Also find it Ĺ•eally loosened any tension that was there just to be frank about how i felt was a breakthru. Although maybe it could have turned different. If hed been agitated or angry. Think sexuality is a huge subject. Is this the right place for my question does it fit with anything here on the forum...thanks for ya replies
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 8, 2017 0:50:01 GMT
Hi turnrightnow Friendships and relationships are always difficult to negotiate. . particularly as a lot of us ADHD ers have a bit of autism too . . I find I'm either over-intimate or completely stand-offish . . with both men and women and regardless of how sexually attractive I might find them (usually oblivious to their thoughts though) and I don't know many people who couldn't do with a hug from someone they're comfortable with from time to time. . it's absolutely ok to talk about it. Glad you didn't get knocked back
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Post by computermandan on Jan 8, 2017 12:32:37 GMT
Yep communicating is crucial... im hopeless on that front.
You leave things and they build up in your mind, then become this bigger hurdle to overcome.
I've been married 13 years and together 15... she still hates that i cant talk to her comfortably. Like V&R - i'm either over the top and so generally knocked back, or completely disengaged. As mentioned ive very recently noticed the asd traits of this emotional inability.
Definitely communicate.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 8, 2017 13:30:24 GMT
turnrightnow . . I meant to say in my last post that there's a thread I started on sexuality and gender issues in the Gender Specific Zone . .
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Post by turnrightnow on Jan 10, 2017 2:33:03 GMT
Hi turnrightnow Friendships and relationships are always difficult to negotiate. . particularly as a lot of us ADHD ers have a bit of autism too . . I find I'm either over-intimate or completely stand-offish . . with both men and women and regardless of how sexually attractive I might find them (usually oblivious to their thoughts though) and I don't know many people who couldn't do with a hug from someone they're comfortable with from time to time. . it's absolutely ok to talk about it. Glad you didn't get knocked back Thanks for your reply and encouragement.. isnt life fun. If life was dead easy, it would be boring. Sorry i take long to reply to messages on here.
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