1jja
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Posts: 4
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Post by 1jja on Jan 28, 2017 12:25:06 GMT
Hi all,
I was playing squash the other day, an activity I love doing and would do 5 times a week if I could because I find it helps keep my ADHD somewhat more in check. After the game my friend and I stayed for a drink in the bar and I was discussing my being insensitive toward my wife when talking to her about general things. That I would say things in a manner that appears to me to be logical, helpful, supportive etc. But that in fact it comes across anything but.
My friend then mention something that happened when I visited his home. He asked if I wanted tea and I said yes please. Moments later I found out that he didn't have any sugar so I then said "I'm alright for tea, thanks".
He said that he thought it was a bit rude so I asked what he would have done. He said that if he found out there was no sugar, he would have kept quite and drink the tea anyway despite not enjoying it.
Then we had a bit of s conversation trying to put our reasons across. He thought he was right, I thought I was. You know how it goes
But it made me aware my choice of behaviours. Choises that I make with "the help" of my ADHD. And reading about ways to understand and things I could do to help with my getting along with my wife more
So my question is: should I just shut up and drink the tea even though I don't like it?
The idea is to try and get on with my wife more. To try and avoid fights and missunderstandings etc etc
Any thoughts?
Thanks guys
J
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Post by Bee on Jan 28, 2017 18:21:32 GMT
Seems a bit silly to me to accept a cup of tea you know you wouldn't like. I would have done exactly the same as you in that situation!
Maybe it's not so much what you do (put up and shut up, or try to be honest) maybe it's the words chosen or tone of voice?
Like, I definitely would have turned down that tea if I knew it wasn't going to be how I like it. I'm a coffee drinker, and I like it so specific that I actually insist on making it myself most of the time. But instead of going 'you'll make it wrong and I won't like it, I'll just do it myself' I tell people that I'm just so bloody fussy and it's hard to instruct people how to do it..
That way the problem is with me rather than them - it's a bit of both, (not my fault you all drink your coffee like dirty dish water lol) but I don't need insult someone unnecessarily!
I think there are always ways of getting your message across, but you have to be a bit tactful (not always a big ADHD strength).
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Post by easilydistracted on Jan 29, 2017 23:45:24 GMT
Ah, the what should I do vs. what would I do question... Absolutely, you should have the cup of tea, to avoid making the host feel uncomfortable. And I'd have done the exact same thing as you
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Post by marionk on Jan 31, 2017 16:37:05 GMT
What a storm over a cup of tea!
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amelia
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Posts: 23
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Post by amelia on Feb 5, 2017 13:36:41 GMT
I get told off for things like too. I have a tendancy to speak quite logically and to the point but as an emotional race of people, others just aren't used to it. Especially in typing I have been told I come accross as rude. I try to use smily faces and 'lol' a lot to try and put some tone in to it but I can't do that on every sentence I type. I can't be someone I'm not, so I don't know what people expect of me. I find it hard to make and keep friends because of my condition.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2017 5:18:59 GMT
I can relate to all of this. I have also learned to try and phrase things so people can feel like I am admitting a problem with myself rather than a problem with them. I am also very logical a methodical when conversing about something that interests me or I feel strongly about and this seems to annoy a lot of people. I am terrible at being devil's advocate too. In an argument over tea I might suddenly switch to their argument to demonstrate why they are making their point so badly and demonstrate a better argument then switch back to mine and highlight that despite what I just argued for them my point of view is clearly correct by beating my own argument. Sometimes I think I am probably being unfair and a just arguing better. I have had more than one person totally loose it with me on the grounds that I am just too good at arguing and it isn't fair. I have used the word 'argument' a lot but really from my perspective I am just 'debating'; people seem to misconstrue me being passionate and animated with what I am saying with me being angry, so they get angry then I get angry that they think I am being angry and the escalation becomes a total disaster . In the tea scenario I think it is just a case of trying to be less blunt, I would probably be apologetic and say something about how silly it was of me to not think of checking there was sugar available. I use the "oops, what a fool I am." defence a lot and usually it quickly disarms a situation like that. Good anecdote you posted though, if you ask me I think your friend was being a bit unnecessarily precious about the whole thing and was probably the one being rude rather than you.
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Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 20, 2017 11:56:22 GMT
Oohhhh. . debate, or argument? . .
I love a good argument. . .sometimes I'll start them deliberately for a bit of excitement!
I only realised this after reading up about ADHD. . .you see, I find it interesting and amusing
and I'm good at it too . .and, like @llamageddon people often mistake passion for anger . .
and my ADHD and autistic traits mean that I know a lot of things about a lot of things,
which, more often than not can miraculously be summoned to mind during an animated debate. . .
. . .I've lost jobs for being argumentative, when I thought it was a bit of harmless fun. .
Saying the problem is with you and not them . .isn't that passive-aggressive? I'm good
at that one too. . .this is the worst thing I've found about ADHD and what led me towards
getting diagnosed . .not being able to make and keep friendships and relationships. .
I'd like to be more social, but don't know the rules. . and end up messing up
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Post by Fleecemaster on Feb 22, 2017 14:46:06 GMT
We're no strangers to love You know the rules and so do I A full commitment's what I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this from any other guy
I just want to tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
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