algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Jan 28, 2017 23:32:57 GMT
So, I was diagnosed approximately 3-4 years ago...unsurprisingly, I can't remember exactly when.
I counted myself as one of the lucky ones, although it wasn't easy:
Numerous trips to various GPs (and all the humiliation that goes with it) trying to convince them something was wrong
Eventually (and largely, thanks to my wife) I was referred for initial assessment and counselling
Then I was "lost in the system" for 18 months (the same time they said it would take for the referral to go through)
When I contacted them, I had to wait another year
Eventually...visits to a specialist centre (in Northamptonshire)...a test or two...diagnosis...medication...follow-up appointments. Probably a dream come true for most people who visit this site.
I was getting my life back together. Actually...I was getting a life. For the first time, I had confidence in my ability...not only to remember things, but to plan and achieve.
I was promoted at work. I fitted a new bathroom! I felt part of my marriage, rather than a mere encumbrance. No longer a by-stander or additional dependent for my wife to deal with. I joined a gym, got fit and felt good about myself.
Then 2016 happened:
Amongst other things, I discovered my big brother (one of 4 boys, including me) was/is experiencing paranoid delusions, after he confided in only me
One of my boys (16 years) has severe anger issues, culminating in him coming at me with a knife
My wife broke her hip and was found to have Osteoporosis, after suffering several other health scares
My new boss (it turns out) is the least supportive/interested person I have ever known, let alone worked for
The result? I've lost it...gradually, but very surely. Whatever I had gained has evaporated. I have regressed...right back to where I was. Despite taking the same medication (Concerta XL, 72mg). Despite everything it had done for me. Despite all the progress I had made, both professionally and personally. I am back to where I was for 40 years of my life, only this time it feels worse:
Confused, muddled, fuzzy-headed, disorganised, incompetent and (worst of all) my short term memory has gone to shit again...utterly and completely to shit.
During a recent appointment (December 2016) my wife and I expressed concern at the demise in my focus...my memory. The Doctor (the first time I had seen this particular one) listened, very intently and with great empathy. He expressed that much of these issues would, most likely, be down to my heightened stress levels. He is probably right, but (if anything) the stress has reduced in the last 5 weeks. Yet, here I am...getting worse by the day...forgetting everything:
Where I parked the car (not occasionally, but every time)
What I was going to talk to my boss about (several times in 3 days and in the time it takes me to walk 20 feet from my desk to her's)
What my wife spoke to me about 30 minutes ago and then arguing with her that the conversation never took place
Any and all confidence I had developed has gone. I am, again, unable to rely on my recollection of anything...assuming that I actually remember there was something to recollect.
My relationship with my wife is plummeting in a downward spiral, with her crying on a daily basis
My frustration and anger is manifesting in the conversations I have with her and my children
My patience levels are non-existent, as is my confidence and ability at work
I attended a training course this week and found it impossible to keep up with the pace of the class
I left my seat in the cinema today and forgot where I had been sat, when I returned
I'm also exhausted all of the time and have regained most of the weight I lost
I am back to looking and feeling like an idiot. I know I'm not...I just feel like one and look like one to everyone around me.
Do you know what's worst of all? If I hadn't seen how I could be without this bloody affliction, I would be oblivious to all of this.
My issues are, by no means, as bad as being blind but the only analogy I can liken this to is being given sight for the first time after a lifetime in the dark, only for it to be taken away again.
I feel completely bereft and the upset this is causing my wife is too much to bear. It is awful beyond words.
I've had enough and don't know where to turn...
|
|
|
Post by easilydistracted on Jan 29, 2017 22:48:44 GMT
Hi Dude,
Sounds like you are caught in the spiral, the slow accumulation of stress and pressure, the gradual erosion of confidence and with it the strength to tackle things.
Your details are different from mine, but I recognise that feeling, every day seemed to bring a new club to beat me with. No-one in real life to confide in, no-one who understood, each day the problems got bigger and I got smaller.
Like you a few years ago, I've now had my dx and started treatment and life is slowly improving and with it my shattered confidence, abeit very slowly.
What helped me through that bad time? This place, people who really understood, the understanding that comes of living it.
That and escaping for a while, heading off for long days on the bicycle or on foot, even if it was just to walk to the next town. If I had a dog he'd be called Stumpy now he'd have walked so far.
Either way I was away from the places I associated with the pressure, free, a chance to forget.
No advice other than to say remember you were good before, you can be good again and in the mean while, do what we always do, muddle on, one foot in front of the other and try to find yourself some space to breathe.
And stick around, lots of good folk here
Good luck
|
|
algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Jan 30, 2017 7:13:40 GMT
Thanks, easilydistracted.
Your words are probably the most comfort I have received in quite a while.
Such is the situation, it appears that even my wife may have, finally, given up on me. I can't say I'd blame her if she has...I'm not very easy to be around when I'm like this.
She told me yesterday that she's written to an ADD support website which, I suppose, is a good thing. Problem is that I can feel I've already lost her...no affection, no warmth...no nothing. I think it's a last ditch attempt to help me...probably to prepare the way for her exit.
With that, I feel I have nothing. I was determined to get up at the right time and be ready for work today. I even made sure I ironed my shirt last night and made my lunch...very unlike me.
I got out of bed...looked at myself in the bathroom mirror for 5 minutes and am now back in bed. I don't feel like I can do this anymore. Without my wife's love and support I have no reason to.
Of the many, many low ebbs I have experienced throughout my life, it seems this is the lowest.
I'm not going to work today. I'm going to try to find it within me to get some help.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Jan 30, 2017 10:21:23 GMT
Relax, sleep, do meditation, chill, listen to music, think calm thoughts. Long post coming up so I'll just post this for now, and say hang in there.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Jan 30, 2017 13:51:50 GMT
. . . Apart from having ADHD, you remind me of a co-worker of many years ago. We only met at shift changes, and usually just exchanged hello, how are you?s, nothing in depth, but one time we got talking. I think she'd been late, and she was apologising and explaining. Basically, as far as she could see, she was just stupidly tired all the time to the extent that she was considering giving up work. Luckily I wasn't in a hurry that day, and knowing from experience that you don't get tired like that without reason, I asked her all sorts of nosy parker questions. I can't remember the details now, but basically two of her closest relatives had recently had some sort of major problems, one had been taken to hospital in an emergency, and the other was something of similar magnitude. I said something to the effect of 'no wonder you're depressed'. She went into denial, 'but it was weeks ago, and nothing happened to me, and they're both fine now.' I said 'Yes, but it was a lot of stress, it takes a long time to recover from that', and explained that depression isn't so much about being desperately unhappy, as not having the energy to do things, and generally feeling crappy. She stopped denying, and looked slightly shocked. I can't remember if she asked for advice or if I just gave it anyway, I have a tendency to do that, even when it's not wanted, but this time it was. I suggested that as she liked the work, that she not give it up, just take a few days or even a few weeks off, 'til she felt up to it again, and that it might be a good idea to see a doc, just in case it was something else, but with what she had told me, I was sure it was from stress. I don't remember if she went to the doc or not, but she was fine when I saw her again some weeks later. The point of this story is, Don't underestimate how much bad things happening around us can knock us down, even without ADHD. Stop beating yourself up about it, none of it is anything you could have prevented, or had anything to do with. Even your own current state, is down to things happening around you, not anything you did or didn't do. Ok, having ADHD means you are potentially more affected by traumatic events, but you've had a lot of them this last year, it's entirely reasonable that you are affected the way you are, even if you weren't ADHD. For years I was (ineffectively) treated for depression, I had no idea that untreated ADHD was so very similar to ADHD depression (I thought it was hyperactive kids, and I never was hyperactive). To be fair to the doctors though, I WAS depressed, and while I was depressed, all those overlapping symptoms became much worse. I had barely noticed them before, and apart from knowing my short term memory was worse than most people's, I assumed everyone else was the same. Just because you have ADHD, doesn't mean that's the only cause of poor memory, concentration etc. There is good reason that depression and ADHD are hard to tell apart. The meds that work for normal types are not likely to work for ADHDers though, so probably best to talk to your specialist, rather than a GP. As for the folks around you, your brother needs help, sure, but he needs to get it himself, I'm pretty sure you can't arrange it for him. *Your son, likewise, needs help, I don't know if you can see to that, or if he can refuse. Best if he realises he needs help and seeks it himself, but at that age . . . Work issues . . . not my field at all, sorry, but anyone who has no sympathy for you with all that's been happening, is a complete arsehole. Your wife though . . . your wife also has a son with anger issues, as well as a broken hip, and health scares. She, more than anyone else, needs your support. Talk to her, or rather, let her talk to you. Bite your lip, and let her have her say, even if she is berating you, try not to get angry or let the conversation turn into an argument. You are both under a lot of stress. Bottling things up and going over them internally is no good for either of you but neither is getting angry. If she can't 'be there' for you at the moment, try and accept it and just try and be there for her. Calm and de-stress is the most important thing, possibly you could both benefit from meditation. Relevant support groups could be good too. Coming on here is good, but it's not the busiest of places, and sometimes it can feel lonely, so best to find somewhere else as well. Algenon . . from Flowers for Algernon? I think about that story a lot, especially when I have a 'moment of clarity' that I later can't remember the details of. * Is ADHD a possibility with him too? For many ADHDers, emotional lability is a problem.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Jan 30, 2017 14:06:53 GMT
Oops I hadn't quite finished after all. I was going to ask about 'sleep problems'. (My favourite topic! ) Getting enough sleep is often a problem for ADHDers, especially in times of stress. Sleep is very important though, particularly for recovering from stress, which makes it a bind. ADHD is so often accompanied by various sleep disorders that many doctors are actually trying to blame ADHD on lack of sleep. Anyways, this bit of what you said: What my wife spoke to me about 30 minutes ago and then arguing with her that the conversation never took place Makes me wonder if you were actually asleep at the time. Effectively sleep walking and talking. It would explain why you don't remember the conversation.
|
|
algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Jan 30, 2017 15:03:36 GMT
Wow...! Thank you marionk. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and to write such a detailed, understanding and helpful response.
I've been to see my GP who has signed me off for two weeks. I desperately didn't want to take time off, but realise I will only get worse without it. Time to de-stress. Time to talk to my wife. Time to see what I can do to help myself...us...our marriage.
I have also left a message for my ADD specialist, asking for an appointment ASAP. I note your comments about depression and antidepressants. I have been prescribed a new one by my GP. I need to ween myself off the current one for a few days, so this will give me time to check it's suitability with my specialist.
My GP also encouraged me to tell my boss about my ADD and has mentioned it on my sick note, with my agreement. I have always been particularly reluctant to divulge my condition, as I hate being treated differently or for people to assume I'm incapable. I also fear the consequences for my career. I am advised, however, that this will offer me some protection under the Disability Discrimination Act...not something I have ever researched...so I guess only good should come of it. Fingers crossed!
So...I'm in the process of writing a (rather long) email to my boss. I have to ensure I get the message across in the right way, instead of blurting out a load of emotional nonsense. I have also mentioned that certain management styles might be more appropriate, although I am still researching this. As a manager myself, I know different people (ADD or otherwise) respond better to different styles, so you have to adapt your own if you are ever going to get the best out of your team. I don't feel this expectation is unreasonable or different to what any other employee should expect, do you? This will hopefully force some action, as I don't feel at all supported at present.
Talking to/with my wife is difficult. We get so far before I become defensive and an argument usually ensues. The difficulty I find is that the weight of things I forget completely undermines those that I remember. So determined am I not to be deemed completely useless..."defenceless"...I can go on the offensive. Not physically, you understand. Just "shoutally". Your suggestion to just let her go for it and "tell all" is one I hadn't considered before. It's hard, as I've often been told I am lazy, stupid etc from an early age. I will try...I owe it to her to try. After all, without her, I would never have been diagnosed.
As for my son. It has occurred to me for some time that he may have similar issues. He flatly denies it and will not go to see anyone (teenagers!) but he has been for Anger Management counselling. I will mention it to my specialist again when I speak to him.
Thank you again. Knowing there are people who know and understand what I am going through is an unbelievable relief.
|
|
algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Jan 30, 2017 15:21:22 GMT
Yes...sleep. BIG issue in this house. I'm dreadful...truly awful...at going to bed. I don't think I'm asleep at the time she is telling me things, but I definitely don't sleep enough. It might sound daft, but I find myself almost flatly refusing to accept it is time to go to bed. Even when I get there, I often lie in bed mucking about on my phone, watching TV etc. As for my wife, she sleeps loads and HATES my phone with a passion! Can't say I blame her...it is a pocket-sized portal of distraction. I think I like the escapism it gives me, but the hours I lose on it... I recently discovered that I can set the WiFi up to disconnect certain devices at certain times. Might need to do it for me as well as the kids.
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Jan 31, 2017 11:24:36 GMT
Hi. algenon I've been following this thread, but have been experiencing a few days of depression and have been finding it hard to communicate with anyone. . . why do I mention this? as marionk said, depression is common with ADHD. . and lack of sleep doesn't help. . I totally get the inability to settle down for sleep. . there seems to be a twilight zone that happens when I decide to go to bed. . no matter how tired I am, or how early I decide to go to bed, it's always at least 1am when I finally turn off the light and screens. . . I've been tracking my sleep for over a year, but hadn't found a satisfactory app because most of them need to be turned on and off . . and it takes me ages to fall asleep so they presume you're asleep as soon as you start it. . Anyway, I got a Fitbit a couple of weeks ago and it tends to think you're asleep if you sit still for a while. . .BUT I'm quite shocked by how little sleep I'm recording. . . between 2.5 and 4 hours on average, no matter how long I'm in bed . .the longest was 5.5 hrs with 12 hours in bed! . .at least half of every night I'm either restless or awake. . I wake an average of 5 times a night. . . I don't know where I'm going with this except. . . I know where you're coming from. . It IS a good idea to disclose your dx at work, even if you don't consider it affects your performance. The fact that you're signed off sick indicates that it can affect your work, and if they're aware of your ADHD you're protected under Disability employment law. I'm glad you're going back to your specialist, it could be that you may need to adjust or change meds if you're not finding them as helpful as previously. You might also benefit from some ADHD adapted therapy or coaching, if it's something offered in your area. While you're off work make time to be kind to yourself.
|
|
algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Jan 31, 2017 13:36:00 GMT
Hi vagueandrandom
I was sorry to hear of your depression. I suffer a lot with this too and whilst it is good to know what the cause is, it's not easy to live with is it? Even with meds.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I have been a member of this forum for a while, but never realised how supportive it could be. The support it has already given me at what is, very probably, my darkest ADD hour is incalculable. This has also shown me that I may be able to support others...something far more worthwhile for me to do in the coming days, whilst I am off work and my evenings when I return to "normality". Better than having my head in my phone, that's for sure.
Your comments regarding sleep are interesting. Even the people I have seen about my ADD suggested that it may just be part of me, rather than my ADD. To hear from someone encountering similar issues is something of a relief and not least as this has plagued me for most of my life. It also has a very negative effect on my marriage.
I cannot explain it. I actively resist going to bed, albeit subconsciously. I can't tell you how many times I've said to myself "Right! Time for bed!" only to then wake up on the sofa at 3am, wondering what the hell happened...again! It's something that I have berated myself about for years and never conquered. The names I have called myself!
It's funny that you mention your Fitbit. My wife has one, as we are (or at least she IS and I WAS, until recently) avid gym-goers. She has been raving about it and I have decided to save for one, as it may help me understand my sleep patterns and push me into going back to the gym.
In the meantime, I have set up my phone to disconnect from the internet at 10pm every night, as even though I am making more of an effort to actually go to bed (my wife goes to bed around 9:30pm, which helps) I then find myself watching TV on my phone until stupid-o'clock.
I am also starting a diary/journal (my wife's suggestion) in order to track my daily activities, so I can see what I have achieved, rather than what I haven't. This should also give me motivation to do something worthwhile every day...particularly at weekends. That's the aim anyway. One of it's most important functions will be to record things she and I talk about. Currently, she feels lonely as nothing she says to me seems to stick. She interprets this as disinterest when it really isn't - a difficult thing for non-ADDers to understand. I will need to push myself to keep doing it. I guess writing it on here is also a commitment of sorts.
As for today, I am yet to have a shower, but I have cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, giving me some sense of achievement. The radio was making me laugh at the time, so I found it easier to stick with, even if I had to force myself in the first instance.
I hope the things I write are even half as useful to you as the responses I have received from you and others. Knowing there are people out there that "get" all of this and care is a huge comfort for me.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Feb 1, 2017 14:08:28 GMT
Even posts with no advice, just asking for help, or relating something that happened, are all helpful, because they all say, 'You are not alone'.
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Feb 1, 2017 14:21:48 GMT
I have major problems with going to bed too. Aside from not getting sleepy at an appropriate time, there's all that procrastination/'dopamine boosting must just finish this first' to fight through, plus the fact that I hate lying in bed awake for various reasons, and even if I do get to bed earlier, I just wake up even earlier in the night.
I'm trying to get an appointment at a sleep clinic, well I've had two, but they were cancelled and I'm waiting for the replacement.
|
|
algenon
Member's not posted much yet
Posts: 23
|
Post by algenon on Feb 1, 2017 16:16:35 GMT
Let us know how you get on with that marionk. Thus far, the concerted effort I'm making to go to bed at a reasonable hour has resulted in my lying awake for an hour or so and then waking up several times throughout the night. Who knows...it might be the reason I developed such a resistance to going to bed in the first place and adopted the "I'm awake...I'm awake...I'm awake....CRASH!!!!" method? Although I was only getting around 4-5 hours sleep per night, I slept straight through. Can't bloody win!
|
|
|
Post by vagueandrandom on Feb 2, 2017 12:22:35 GMT
Keeping a journal is a good idea if you can stick with it!
I keep starting them with good intentions and either spend too much time
filling them in, or forget for a day, then another. . .then feel like I've missed
too much it's not worth starting up again. .
But I live on my own with no external accountability. .maybe your wife could
gently remind you?
Regarding sleep. . I'm surprised that ADHD professionals don't think it's related. .
Nearly everyone I've met with ADHD has problems sleeping and going to bed!
|
|
|
Post by marionk on Feb 2, 2017 14:12:57 GMT
Let us know how you get on with that marionk. Thus far, the concerted effort I'm making to go to bed at a reasonable hour has resulted in my lying awake for an hour or so and then waking up several times throughout the night. Who knows...it might be the reason I developed such a resistance to going to bed in the first place and adopted the "I'm awake...I'm awake...I'm awake....CRASH!!!!" method? Although I was only getting around 4-5 hours sleep per night, I slept straight through. Can't bloody win! Woohoo! I've just got the new appt., less than a fortnight away! I'll keep you all posted I had some major shocks/trauma that resulted in my crying myself to sleep every night for years, and avoiding going to bed before I was absolutely sure I'd be out like a light. Even before that, I had a tendency to procrastinate, but I had developed a method (self hypnosis?) of drifting off to sleep, going straight from day-dreaming to dreaming, but I have recently discovered that it is not the normal to go straight into dream state, but then again, they have fairly recently found that dreams can happen in other sleep states than REM, and I suspect that it's not REM dreams that I go into, so who knows what's normal! Anyways, I have always had problems both with going to sleep and with sleeping the night through, and daytime sleepiness has more to do with how much stress I'm under than how much sleep I've had. And obviously things got much worse after certain nasty events, and my technique for getting to sleep went to pot, too. I was also on quetiapine for a long time, and while it helped me sleep the night through, I was still stupidly tired in the daytime, so actually it was bleeping useless. It's taken me a very long time to recover from the quetiapine, and until I started mph, I was rarely asleep for more than 1 1/2 hours I think things were a lot worse after the quetiapine than before, and I think they still are worse!! (this is two years now, and the mph definitely helps too!). . . I started monitoring by taking note of the time when I woke up, but I found that the activity of turning the light on, or trying to find my glasses to look at my watch, etc, was waking me up too much, so I stopped that and just tried to count how many times I woke up, instead, but kept losing count! In the end I found a nice digital clock with a huge light button on the top. Problem solved. Eventually I discovered sleep monitors, and rapidly realised that they can't tell the difference between lying still and sleep! If I get ESA back I'll get a Fitbit! When I started mph, I would get 3 hours in one go either at the start, or sometimes after a few short spells. There was eventually Ok got to stop there something's com up
|
|