Post by whattodonow on Mar 5, 2017 1:35:33 GMT
Wake up feeling groggy, listening out what's happening outside the room check my phone for Facebook links to cheer me up eventually get up to make a coffee and take a tablet then turn on my crap laptop. I log on to my emails to see if I have any replies from the jobs I've applied for, nope of course. Check if any jobs I know I could do and get that I can enjoy with a full time hours and actual regular work as all I can get is agency work. which I have not had been very lucky with at all either it is a terrible place to work at or there is barely any work at all if any, I did once get a full time job at a private hospital which with my active mind and being bullied destroyed my confidence
I will then try and see if I have anything I need to do that day, if I do I plan it in great detail with the time needed for each part what to wear and getting my clothes out ready towels in the bathroom keys in my pocket of my trousers and making sure there is plenty of time for me to easily make it on time. Then comes the time to get ready, I'm ready! Where did I put my keys? Where's my phone? Where's my wallet? Where is my other glove? How have I lost my keys again!? And then great I need fuel! Anddddd I'm late.
I hate my Adhd it causes me so much problems with being late, dealing with stress, sleeping problems, getting my words muddled up and not thinking about what I say, forgetfulness with dates times and putting things down (it’s almost like I hide things from myself lol) also when I am doing something I don't want to do it's so hard to actually keep myself on task and when I slip off I will find myself on something completely different like from writing out a application, next minute I'm trying to fix a pan with a loose handle!
People say everyone is forgetful but to this extent. It's extremely difficult to keep a job that you don't have much interest in as all of the above affects you in work and can get others in trouble too! My mind is flooded with questions and troubled answers, What could of done differently? What's going to happen? What do they think of me? Then comes the doubts about myself. Due to the overwhelming thoughts from the previous mistake especially when feeling uncomfortable with the current can cause the next task even more difficult to not mess up!
Arguments in this house are so foul, things are said quickly escalating to nasty comments as I try to ignore the person who wants to argue, they quickly get louder and a lot more personal to force a reply from me, telling me of my own personal troubles that am already well aware of and I am trying to battle everyday and how it pisses them of. Sometimes I don't have the mental strength to refrain myself from replying and I end up shouting back knowing full well this is not a argument I will win as it is wrong for me to shout at a volume that they was shouting at me lol. Then my brain then starts to question myself about everything going into overdrive thinking of everything I hate about myself so I turn to the computer play a computer game to try and stop my spiraling thoughts that eat away at what's left of my confidence and happiness, I once was renowned for always smiling and laughing with lots of energy, talking to anyone and no problems with it either.
Now it's gotten worse I used to be that I would play a game and be able to ignore all my problems, but it's slowly affecting me in games too, (you can only dodge your problems for so long!) I used to talk to random people all the time. and if I had any problems I would talk to a close friend over the phone or computer but due to the recent move to another house. Everything I say someone can hear me or is about to go through my room to my brothers bedroom which is an extension and the only way through is my room. Plus the fact that my father's office is directly opposite my wall which he works from home and can easily hear me talking. I'm not used to no privacy and it has sadly made me more troubled.
My doctor who see me is always postponing my appointments rebooking for a month later or two and also doesn't seem to understand my problems that I have and strange to say but it feels more like when you are there he will have you walking out in a matter of minutes without actually getting any information that you wanted to know and if you do manage to ask him something he will literally read it out this little book he has for medication and point it out with almost no social interaction. Every solution he has is very basic and something I have already tried or just put more meds on it. It feels very uncomfortable to talk to him as he seems to have selective hearing and picks the bad parts out of what I said or that he just writes it down and then passes it on so he can quickly tick you off and get you out the door! I leave feeling very confused every time lol and frustrated that I never get to say what I wanted to say or explain what I meant to say it's like my conversation was forced to head one way and next minute I'm outside the door walking to towards my motorbike
Talking to my parents is impossible about things that are bothering me as you need to catch my mum in a certain mood, which is very difficult to pick up. The problem is that this mood is more of an upset mood then she is understanding and listens to me but it is also when she can be looking for argument so I try to avoid talking to her about it!
My dad is very stubborn and even attempting to open up has ended up with him either looking away giving a obvious ‘don't talk to me about this’ or will just tell me to ‘grow up’ or ‘be a man’, in some form of way.
My brother I don't feel I could talk to other than a little rant about something lol he's great but he has his own troubles in this house lol.
My sister has problems with secrets she accidently relays everything you say to her to rest of the family and that causes more problems and she moved out a long time ago so is not an option.
There is some positives though!
Give me something that requires me to think about with and my thoughts play like a film I can picture it so clearly. And I can pick up things I enjoy so quickly and when I enjoy something I literally can spend all day without break, while being extremely productive with it!
Sure I'm not the best at the everyday things, but sadly because I wasn't doing so well at school with the coursework and easily distracted and not diagnosed with adhd till about 23 even though looking through all my reports said the same problems lol.
Though honestly I don't blame the school. Thinking about it would be hard to say to somebody's mum or dad that they think that their kid has a learning difficulty. I was never trouble other then the usual lads do and a few little fights here and there.
I didn't get the grades I needed to actually test my mind with how creative I could be in the work environment and haven't learnt how to control my thoughts on low days I am slowly getting better at being on time and was getting better with saving money but stress from still living with my parents at this age and the terrible jobs I've had that was mainly agency work with little to no work and/or jobs that you just brainlessly run around fetching things being bullied for the fact that I am an agency staff or even because I am sometimes a little slow or forgetful
Wish I could of done better at school and had some way to prove myself I found myself always good with repairing things like computers my motorbike and always put so much effort into learning new things that I enjoy. I wish I had the money to be creative and testing how far I could push myself instead I'm sitting on my bed using this none stopping thought dispenser with nothing to think about how dark is it going to get before I see any form of light.
people think adhd is not real honestly I wish it wasn't I don't want to fight to move on with my life everyday only to end up in the same place feeling no progress in my goals.hopefully I'll find some light soon and move on
I'm really really trying to hold on to this Rollercoaster of a life and take the sharp turns and the twists without losing the control of my emotions. I'm trying to be someone who doesn't have to plan everything and someday I might get a job where I fit in and get out of this house to have my own place where I have that money to pay my bills and not worry about every bill that I struggle to meet with the infrequent work I get but this is slowly nibbling at what's left of me.
Sorry for the ramble but I had to get it out